PLEASE DON’T ASK ME TO GO OUT TO EAT WITH YOU…… Sorry for the all capital letters but I just HAD to get that out there. Whew! Now deep breath. Monday and Tuesday signify a start to a new school year. This semester is different than all the rest. It’s uncharted territory for me. It’s MY LAST ONE! Since I start student teaching on Wednesday, Monday and Tuesday are ‘work days’ for us up at the university. During both these work days we get to leave for lunch and that means that there will be girls that want to go out to eat for lunch and then will probably invite me.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of others or that I’m a total people hater (insert laugh here) it’s just that I literally cannot handle it. I can’t do it. I can’t make myself do it. I’m especially on edge lately. I was just explaining to Marty last night that I literally live my life day to day trying to figure out a way to eat the least amount of calories as possible. I’m crazy…I know. You don’t have to say it. But don’t feel bad for me either. IS “this” a choice I’m making on purpose? I don’t know honestly. Some people might say it was. I’m unsure.
It’s just that I can’t make spur of the moment decisions that involve food. I’m obsessed (actually, I’m not going to call it obsessed, because that’s not it.) I just NEED to know what the food is I’m eating. I need to be able to trust that it’s within the realms of what I deem ‘healthy’. Sometimes, even if I know that the food I will consume is healthy, I still can’t go eat at that restaurant because the calories are still too high in my mind. I know that’s not normal.
I know that wanting to eat yogurt for literally every meal IS NOT GOOD. I can’t help it. Even drinking this Quest protein shake mix I have is difficult sometimes because I have such a routine. I had a freak out the other night as I was lying in my bed. I’m trying to fall asleep and my brain says “No, let’s think!!!!!” I was thinking about how I’m about to be in a school all day long and I’ll come home to work out like usual (no big deal). Then, I realized that in 56 days, I will have to begin a new routine. I’ll still go to a classroom all day, but then I’ll go home to a new house which doesn’t have an elliptical. CHANGE. So, then I was thinking about how I would need to run before I came home from school/work (not a big deal…yet). I figured I could run at the track, but what about Thursday/Friday home football??? The courthouse would do, I guess. But what if it’s too cold? What if it’s too hot? WHAT IF?! Suddenly, I couldn’t handle being in my own brain. Suddenly, everything was thrown out of control and I couldn’t get a handle on it. Thank goodness I fell asleep so I didn’t end up in tears that night.
I’ve just had many bad, bad, bad days in a row and the pressure and stress of school is already starting. This certainly does not aid my anxiety. I was just thinking about the other day, how I used to throw my food up from time to time, especially my first 2 semesters at UTSA and my first semester at ASU and how now I do that much, much less. I have made a baby step.
SIDE NOTE: I’ve been thinking about confidence lately. I’ve seen many pins about it lately on Pinterest and I’ve been thinking about how I need to have that in the classroom as a teacher. But, just because you merely don’t have confidence in your brain or body does not mean that you have some sort of a disorder or are damaged. Everyone has doubts about themselves at times, you aren’t totally going to be pleased with your body 100% of the time! Everyone has some sort of insecurity. Everyone feels like they aren’t good enough from time to time. What I’m saying is…..don’t label yourself “damaged” or “disordered” just because you lack confidence sometimes. We are ALL great 🙂
SIDE NOTE AGAIN: I read somewhere the other day that eating disorders were genetic. I didn’t research it further, but what if I give one to my child?!