Tag Archives: fear food

Thinking Out Loud #2

Three words. Lean cuisine pizza. 

  1. It’s been a very, very, very long time since I’ve have the courage to eat a microwave pizza. Microwave anything, probably. This pizza has been living in my freezer for weeks. Weeks I tell you! I’ve been trying to work up to this thing for what feels like forever now. Not that it’s really that bad for you, but my mind and Ed have me convinced that it is. All day long yesterday I worked and worked myself up to this. I spent the day coaching myself, telling myself that I did deserve food and that it would be all A-Ok! All. Day. Long.

Now, let me just say, that this IS NOT now my favorite flavor. I’ve never tried it…but I chose it for reasons that don’t need to be listed. However, it wasn’t totally disgusting, it was fairly tasty and I would probably purchase it again. My all time favorite is the four cheese 🙂

Victory in pizza and Ed land here.

2. I’ve decided I’m thinking out loud with quotes. This just spoke to me. It also made me chuckle pretty hard. I’m not  going to elaborate on this quote, it pretty much speaks for itself. Just let it sink in.

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Barbara Spanjers- Cake Is Magical Wellness barbaraspanjers.com

3. This quote also made me laugh…the green juice. I’m sorry, I actually like the color green but I also feel pretty uncomfortable about drinking it. But this is SO dang true! It doesn’t matter how much yogurt, fruits or how many vegetables I consume, if I’m still freaking out about even *thinking* about eating a York Patty or some other kind of dessert, that’s not mentally healthy or stable! Normal people and intuitive eating don’t work like that. Peace with food doesn’t mean that I constantly have to figure out how to rid my body of calories, think about how they are going to affect me or how I can suppress my random hunger during the day. That’s not normal and that’s not peace, girl, that’s still pretty hell-ish.

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Jennifer Rollin and http://www.karenmeier.com

4. On a happy note, we all know that I’m a 6 year old trapped in a 21 year old body with the hobbies of a 60 year old woman…and I’m kind of obsessed with Charlie Brown, Snoopy and The Peanuts. I came across with while searching it on Pinterest……..

How dang cute is this?!?!?! Doesn’t your heart just melt?!!!! Also, if Beagles actually resembled Snoopy in the slightest, I would definitely, positively own one. Too bad they don’t 😦

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http://notesandsigns.blogspot.com/

I now need to find this on a DVD so I can watch it over and over.

That’s my random rambling for my Thinking Out Loud Thursday.

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Thinking Out Loud brought to you by Amanda with Running With Spoons http://www.runningwithspoons.com

 

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Hot Messes Eat Carrot Cake

Excuse me being a hot mess!!! 

My entire outfit and hair situation is a bit of a disaster (but it’s kind of fun). Anyways,  Zulily finally got my ordered shipped and I got my new pair of heart-shaped sunglasses!! Score! They they little red and blue anchors on the ear pieces. I love shopping on Zulily, the only downfall is that they take forever to ship stuff.

Also, that orange water bottle is relevant because I’m currently feuding (but they don’t know it) with Walmart! I am completely in love with adding crystal light type things to my water, and my absolute favorite flavor is the Great Value Brand cherry limeade flavor. BOTH times I have gone to the store in the past week they HAVE NOT had the singles!!!! Grrrrr. Finally, I caved and decided I had to try something new. I got this Orange Crush singles and they are pretty dang fantastic, but they are no cherry limeade. But they work for now.

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Yesterday, I also had a spring/Easter type wreath victory!!

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It’s a bunny, which is Easter, but I had to work with what stores had. This little guy came from Michael’s. It’s kind of Easter themed and I really wanted more spring, but it will work until at least May when they will hopefully (fingers crossed!) have a better selection. He’s super cute or at least I think so.

Lastly, I was running around with my mom yesterday and we ended up meeting up with my dad and younger brother. Mom and I had already eaten lunch but the boys were hungry so they wanted to eat at Rosa’s. Lately, I’ve been telling my mom how obsessed I am with the idea of carrot cake and making one. Conveniently, Rosa’s happens to sell chocolate and carrot cake so my mom suggested that we split this one. I pretty much agreed without hesitation because that’s what recovery is about. Conquering fears. So, I willed myself and mustard up the courage to eat some bites of this cake. Guess what?! It’s pretty delicious and I will for sure be baking the recipe I pinned on Pinterest this week! Good thing it’s both of my parent’s birthdays this week.

I’m still kind of mad at myself for eating it. I’m sure I will be mad for a few days. Maybe even the whole week. However, I’m still walking around and living today, so it didn’t kill me to eat the 4 bites of cake! The world didn’t crash down and nothing drastic happened because I ate cake. Everything is still okay!!!! Which, in the end, is all I can really ask for.

Little victories, y’all.

Tonight, I’m going to try and make homemade chicken strips. Wish me luck!!

A New Cooking Adventure :)

If your husband makes a dinner request…chances are, you’re going to end up researching how to make enchiladas.

(I may have red If You Give a Pig a Pancake today while subbing in the library.)

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Excited face because I’m attempting enchilada making later!!

Literally his conversation started with, “Hey, do you know how to make enchiladas?” Followed by me going, “Uhhhhh….I know how to make enchilada casserole?” He was less than thrilled with that. I tried my hardest to avoid rolling the enchiladas, but I lost that battle. (ALSO: I was supposed to try them with ketchup, but I sort of forgot. He and his dad eat them this way apparently. Don’t ask.)

Commence the Internet/Pinterest search for how to roll them/an easy-ish recipe!!!! I watched some Youtube videos and convinced myself that I could actually do this.

I made cheese enchiladas because well, ultimately that’s THE best kind 🙂

In the end, it wasn’t that hard really, at least not nearly as difficult as I envisioned it being.

So, there is my adventure dinner for the week 🙂 Sometimes, I cook. ALSO!!! These were SO DANG GOOD. I’m so proud of myself!!! I’m also proud of myself for actually eating this for dinner. Even though, I did make a Kairos-Version and a Marty-Version of these. I still did it, y’all.

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No, Satan, I Don’t Want Your Hot Dogs and S’mores!

I apologize WAY in advance for this…..this is pretty much raw thoughts of a person who had to get up out of bed to write this because I couldn’t go to sleep. There’s almost no organization to this.

This is stupid. Recovery is stupid. Ed is stupid. Satan is stupid. Hell, I’m stupid. All of this…..is stupid. What a harsh word that is. I’m not even sure it has meaning anymore after writing it down that many times.

Unplanned meals. Unknown calories resources. Hold up…..actual food. Why doesn’t any of it make me feel okay? Why doesn’t any of it make me feel like I’m doing the “right” thing? It all freaking sucks. I don’t care what you say. It sucks. All of it just isn’t fun. It makes my life not fun. It’s all a whole lot of work and time and effort.

I literally had to get up out of my bed tonight because this was bothering me so much. I went to a movie and dinner tonight with my husband and my brain is just on overload. Then again, that could happen when nobody wants to discuss it…….then again, who wants to discuss how I hate myself for the millionth time??? Nobody, that’s who. I don’t think that it matters what I ate, I think I’d still feel bad and hate myself for it. There is literally no way around it….I hate myself. Don’t ask me why. Don’t even feel bad for me. On my way home tonight I was thinking about this and the Bible study I started with church this week. It’s called ‘Breathe’ by Priscilla Shirer and this week we talked about how God sets boundaries and how boundaries are actually beneficial to us. (Literally, God must have been there that evening for me. Because originally the plan that night was for everyone to go around the room and introduce themselves and then say something about themselves that not everyone else in the room would know about them. What the heck was mine going to be? Hi, many of you don’t know that I’m trying to recover from an eating disorder??? Nope!)

Anyways, I was just thinking about love and how my parents can love me, my brother can love me, my husband can love me, my friends and the rest of my family can and God can. And on the flip side, I can love all of them, I can love yogurt, I can love owls, I can love teaching, I can love God, I can even love my dogs, but I can’t love me. Why?! What is so wrong with me that I don’t think that I deserve love? Because I ate some damn rice?! Is that why? That’s stupid. But that’s the gosh darn freaking truth. I think that because I don’t always eat foods that are safe zone that I don’t have anything to offer the world or other people. In my head I believe that I’m a piece of dirt at that point that has no value because I ate some food that gets chewed. That’s……excruciatingly painful. I wish I could think of a better word for that feeling.

We ate at Rosa’s Cafe last night. I order the chicken tacos WITHOUT cheese. Then, I picked the chicken OUT of the tortillas and ate it. AND I still feel bad about that. As I have probably said before, I think I could’ve eaten yogurt for dinner last night and STILL felt guilty about that.

We live a little over an hour away from where we saw the movie, and I don’t think I’ve taken a breath since then. My mind has been going over and thinking about ways that I can get rid of this. I could just throw it up. I could run 3.5-3.75 miles. I could just not eat food tomorrow. I could “run” 2 hours on an elliptical. BUT literally NONE of that would make me feel any better about myself. NOTHING would get rid of the physically awful and emotional pain that rips throughout my entire body and head. Imagine digging long sharpish fingernails into your arm (or somewhere) and just holding them there. Can you imagine that? Well, that’s what I feel like doing with mine. Actually, that’s what I feel like is happening and my fingers are literally typing right now. It feels like someone has taken my fingers and just plunged them deep into my skin causing me this heartbreaking pain. My heart feels literally broken, y’all. It’s a treacherous slope.

(Side note: I’m listening to Julie Andrews sing ‘My Favorite Things’ from The Sound of Music to try and cheer myself up before bed. Feel free to laugh with me about that.)

The Sound of Music - Movie Musical Poster Print  13x19 - Vintage Movie Poster - Julie Andrews - Rodgers and Hammerstein on Etsy, $19.50

IMAGE: https://www.etsy.com/listing/125297296/the-sound-of-music-movie-musical-poster

But all of these bad and negative thoughts and feeling aren’t from God. This isn’t what He wants for me (well, I sure hope it isn’t). He wants me to be happy and free; well, free within the boundaries He has given me. It’s Satan that plants these horrible, horrible seeds and nurtures them so they can grow. When I was at this Bible study the other night I thought of something about him and what he’s doing in my mind.

“Sometimes Satan just isn’t out in the world tempting you with things or experiences. Sometimes, Satan lives inside your head. He’s got a permanent campground….he’s in there roasting hot dogs, eating his s’mores planning and plotting how to keep me busy or find something he can nit-pick at.”

But GET OUT of here Satan!!! I didn’t invite you to Camp KP!! I didn’t invite you to make up a negativity committee. Just get out! I don’t want to partake in your hot dogs (Devil Dogs lol), s’mores and camp food! Because it sucks and it’s not good for me! That’s not positive Godly nourishment….that’s you disguised at things I enjoy. My head isn’t your playground! It’s not the place for you to come in and torture me. My head should be a place I feel slightly safe and closer to Jesus, but instead it’s running rampant with Negative Nancy thoughts and maybe even Pessimist Polly outlooks on life. I have to learn how to battle Satan with God’s help. I have to learn to like and love myself with God’s help. Without God can I even learn those things? Probably not. I’m at this point where I know that I have to turn to a higher power than myself. I can’t handle this all on my own. I can’t make this issue disappear….only God can help me over that mountain.

Paper Sparrow: The Sound of Music: The Hills are Alive

IMAGE: http://www.papersparrowblog.com/

Rome Wasn’t Built In A Day

Chocolate chip cookies anyone??? M wanted some chocolate chip cookies the other night, so yesterday when he went into town I made him get chocolate chips. It gave me a great opportunity to use my new measuring cups (which you can barely see there). It also gave me a good excuse to wear one of the cute aprons I own and bake because I LOVE baking 🙂 I’m not super positive that I’ll be partaking in a whole bunch of this cookie eating, but we shall see. I did eat a little tiny piece. But M is a bit of a cookie monster at times…not constantly though.

Enter a MAJOR fear food here. MAJOR. I’m currently slightly freaking out at the thought of having to eat it later for dinner. M kept seeing commercials for Pizza Hut (he’s also a rather big pizza fan.) So while I was in Angelo today I picked up some pizza for dinner. I’m continually reminding myself to breathe even while writing this post.

I got the veggie lovers pizza. Wayyyyy back in the day pepperoni was always my favorite, but as I grew older and learned more about food nutrition, overall health and my eating disorder began to slowly become more prominent, I switched to cheese. I absolutely love love love cheese pizza! Don’t let me misconstrue that to you AT ALL!!

However, it’s been at least 9 months if not even longer since I’ve eaten pizza that I didn’t physically make for myself at my house. I made it myself so that I knew exactly how many calories and what was in the pizza. So, I figured, if I was going to try this gigantic fear food I was going to have to start small and ease myself into it. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know!!! I personally don’t think that I can just throw myself into a cheese pizza and come out fully on top of that mountain. I think that this is about forming a new path, fighting the battle and eating some freakin pizza. This is about eating a small amount of a fear food, not consuming a whole entire pizza. This is about taking a small step. I say again, Rome was not built in a day.

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Yes, you do see 2 pizzas here. One is M’s. He likes meat lover’s pizza. I’ve had that kind before, I used to eat it sometimes when he first lived in Houston. I like that kind. It’s pretty darn good, because let’s face it, I’m a carnivore and not a full on vegetarian. However, like I stated above, I can’t just throw myself into a meat lover’s pizza and expect to come out alright. I need to start with something that I can feel like I can conquer and overcome. I don’t care if that’s not what the experts say, it’s what I’m comfortable with.

I’m doing what I need or at least what I think is going to be best for me and not leave me completely collapsed on the bathroom floor. I’m terrified. Very, seriously terrified. But I can do this. I can.

(Side Note: M has been very supportive today and I could not be more thankful for him especially on a day like today.)

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Here’s to pizza night!!!

I’m Not Crazy, I’m Just a Little Unwell

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I feel like I’m in a large dark hole right now. I pretty much feel miserable. Why, do you ask?I have no idea. I have no answer to your question. I just feel…really awful. Maybe I’m sad. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe I’m just upset because I have a bunch of school work. Maybe it’s just that point in the semester. Actually though, it’s probably because I ate a salad for dinner when I much rather would’ve had a hamburger (with cheese), Schlotzskys, Chick-Fil-A, some cheese pizza, or for crying out loud some freaking french fries. Why don’t I eat those? Well, my answer is simple, because I can’t. Stupid answer and reasoning, I know. There’s no need to tell me that. I know I sound utterly ridiculous. Telling me to just eat would just be you wasting your breath and barking up the wrong tree. Why can’t I just eat those things? Because I immediately feel bad! I feel bad for even considering them. I just have this horrible crippling fear of being fat. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel sad? Is there something I can do to make myself feel better or am I just destined to be like this forever? Do I just get to feel the need to work out constantly and like that’s the only way to fix anything for the rest of my life? Do I get to feel like curling up in a ball and crying forever? Do I get to feel like I’m only of value and my worth is determined by what I look like? Maybe, at the end of the day, I just want to hear these words of encouragement from one person. Just one person. I just want to hear him say he believes in me and that even though I’m scared to death of everything I’m feeling and experiencing right now he still believes in me. I just want to be open about it. I want to feel like I’m not hurting anyone with it when I feel this way. I think I just want to cry.

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That was a really giant jumbled rambling mess. Basically, the point of this internal questioning is what’s going on with me and why do I feel like this? I didn’t ask to feel this way and I’m trying everything I can to somehow change that. I just feel like I’m a little girl and this shouldn’t be happening to me.

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