Tag Archives: fear foods

You Are My Sunshine

It was a weekend filled with family, love, super scary food adventures and most importantly celebrating love 🙂

This past weekend my husband and I traveled to Marathon, Texas for a family wedding. There isn’t a whole lot in this town, however the hotel we stayed at was phenomenal and the views were just spectacular! It really was a highly enjoyable weekend and great to get away for just a few hours.

We stayed at The Gage Hotel which was also the location of the wedding. It was a beautiful venue! I don’t know how the bride found it but it was lovely.

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We stayed in this old colonial style house (I think it said it was colonial. I can’t really remember all that well. Who cares, it was gorgeous.) with some other family members as we enjoyed the weekend.

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Most of my time was filled with visiting with family members, getting to know them better or just spending time with my husband. On Saturday morning Marty and I walked from our room down to this super adorable restaurant to enjoy breakfast. We were the only ones there because we are both such early risers.

I did manage to get a run in that morning as well. Marathon is really small so I basically ran the entire town as my route. The first part of the run I was basically playing photographer instead of running. The view of the “mountains” was just too neat! Very pretty. Also, windmills. Windmills everywhere! I actually find windmills a nice view by themselves.

Throughout the whole weekend I tried my very hardest to keep the screaming ED thoughts at bay. This is so difficult when they are usually so prominent. I wanted to enjoy the mini vacation and time with my husband and family. This is difficult though when I’m eating foods that are just SO foreign and sometimes you don’t even know that they are. I’m terrified of food that I don’t know the caloric content of and so I was face to face with one of my biggest fears every meal every day we were there. I was faced with people asking how my food was, asking if I had eaten and I felt like were watching me. I’m just different when it comes to food. I just want to eat it and not discuss it. Other people, normal people, that don’t have eating issues, are probably able to enjoy food more easily and discuss among themselves. It just keeps me like a cat on a hot tin roof! I tried to keep myself from being too on edge about it. I really did.

I did make one discovery at lunch Saturday though! I ate part of M’s sandwich and I learned that I think I like rye bread. I need to go to HEB asap so check this stuff out!

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Saturday evening was wedding time!!! The location for the ceremony was in the backyard of the house we were staying at and it was just gorgeous. It was simple but the scenery really took your breath away. The weather in Texas was finally cooperating as well!

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We ended the evening by having dinner at the reception and celebrating with the bride and groom.

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You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray 🙂

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This weekend I had to learn to let go of some of my control. I can’t ALWAYS pack my lunch. I can’t ALWAYS know about food beforehand. I can’t ALWAYS be expected to pick the lowest calorie/most healthy choice on the menu. There are just some things I literally cannot know prior to events. I can’t let that damper my experiences though! I can’t let food keep me from having fun or a good time. I can’t let myself walk around in one giant ball of worry and anxiety because I’m worried about how this piece of bread will work in my body and where I’m going to find it in the mirror lately. Sometimes, you have to try and live in the moment and actually live.

Sometimes, you have to be fearless.

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It Wasn’t ‘Justaburger’

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If you live in or have ever been to Texas you know what this means. Or you could just read the cup..it’s clearly on there (lol).

WHATABURGER.

What a scary, scary place for me to eat. But I really really needed to. Like really. I needed to eat something that might add value and a little nutrition to my body. So, I pretty much up and did it. Milestone. I seriously can’t stress enough how big of a deal it is for me to have eaten at Whataburger and not order a salad.

I ordered the Whataburger Jr. The kid burger, I’m well aware. I also ate apples. Baby steps y’all. I don’t think I could’ve handled much more than that. (Of course, they gave me a burger with cheese on it at first. I’m not ready for that either.)

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Sorry, but we have to talk about this kangaroo bag they gave me my food in!!!!! How freakin’ cute is that?! How could you not be just a little bit excited?

This is me trying new things and trying not to blow a gasket. This is me, documenting the fact that I ate a hamburger. I can’t remember the last time I did that. That was brave. That was fearless.

All day I was apprehensive and trying to decide if I was going to really do this. I did it. Let me just say, that hamburger was pretty dang delicious.

Sometimes that burger can be referred to as a ‘Justaburger’ at that restaurant. For me, this wasn’t ‘Justaburger’ this was me telling myself that I’m trying to learn to accept myself. This was me saying that my body deserves to be nourished. I deserve to eat. I deserve for my food to taste good. I deserve to enjoy it without feeling guilty.

I don’t have a whole lot of words on this. I feel like I can’t really say more than I have. I mean, I ate a hamburger and I didn’t gain 7 pounds over night and I’m still here and all the people that love me are still loving me. It’s apparently…..okay.

So, when I came home last night and my husband asked me what I did today-besides get his mother’s Mother’s Day gift- I said….”literally all I did today was shop and eat a hamburger.” That was what I did. As insignificant as that sounds I did a ton yesterday.

A Teaspoon of Almond Butter

Sometimes celebrating a holiday late is even sweeter than celebrating on the actual day 🙂 Just like in 2014, when Marty and I celebrated our 1st (of course it was a few days late because he was being released from the Army and all) Valentine’s Day he brought me those wooden roses in the background. In 2016, he’s having both of those traditions continue. Flowers that don’t die 🙂

In more….less happy news. We have some things to lay out on the table here. Let’s talk about yesterday and today (mostly the morning).

After that doctor’s appointment a few weeks ago, it kind of scared me into recovery. I realize that I can’t keep doing what I have been and I CAN’T fix myself. So, yesterday, I got some help. I had a visit with a nutritionist who showed me a graph of what my body needs in high priority and what it’s currently getting with what I’m supplying it with. She gave me suggestions, meal ideas and kind of told me what would happen if I didn’t eat. Basically, it’s stuff I knew I needed, but I just needed to be told by someone certified in that field that it was okay to eat “fat” and “protein”. Mainly the fat. I’ve been so scared of it. I find myself wondering lately how death actually hasn’t already greeted me after seeing those results……………..

Back to the “fat” part. I need those for so many reason. To function properly, to digest, for my brain to operate correctly, to have a baby one day, ultimately to not die and for those essential amino acids. Scary/serious stuff y’all.

Here I am. Staring at the cold hard information. Someone can tell me to eat all day and that it’s good for me, it’s the applying it over and over, day in and day out that’s the hard part. I’m sitting here trying to make a grocery list remembering…BABY STEPS. I CAN’T automatically start eating like that. My body literally won’t be able to handle or process it because I’ve deprived it for so long. Ease into it. Baby steps. I’m completely and utterly terrified. Scared out of my freaking dang mind.

I had extreme anxiety last night at the though of eating Justin’s Maple Almond Butter that I had my mom get so I could start my first baby step this morning.

I drove home with this almond butter sitting shotgun the whole way and as I got out to open the gate in front of my house I felt like I was going to cry. I’m just scared. This is the most horrifying adventure I’ve ever had to go on. But I HAVE to go. I have no choice. I was stressed out and nervous and I knew the next day was going to be different and HARD. And the day after that, and the next week……

Turns out though, almond butter is pretty good. Even if it was only a teaspoon.

Chocolate & Peanut Butter

This is me making a terrified/goofball of a face because eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Hear is literally the most petrifying thing I’ve done today.

Because Valentine’s Day has slowly crept it’s way upon us, there are constantly-and I do mean constantly-commercials with chocolate and candy on TV. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a Reese’s commercial or a jewelry commercial. (Heads up, just give me York patties for Valentine’s Day). Anyways, I saw a ton of these peanut butter cup ads on TV and I decided that I just wanted one so freakin’ bad.

So, today, when I had to go trash can shopping because we somehow lost the lid to our trash can yesterday (WHO even does that?! Seriously!) I had my mom buy some Reese’s hearts….I ONLY wanted hearts. I wanted to be in the spirit of Valentine’s Day. Plus, food is just better when it is cut in a cute shape.

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Just looking at the bag was scary. I didn’t even really wanna touch it, almost like it was evil and forbidden. I had to tell myself that the voice I was hearing telling me that if I ate one that I was “bad” or “dumb” was from Ed and from the Devil. It wasn’t really and truly my voice. I mean, peanut butter cups combine 2 of my all time favorite foods. Literally. Chocolate and peanut butter. Those are 2 foods that I wish I could solely survive on. They could possibly be equivalent to heaven on Earth.

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Then, I unwrapped the pretty shiny packaged chocolate hearts and ate the scariest thing that I’ve eaten since my wedding cake. Reese’s hearts. Were they good? Uh, yeah! You’re talking to a peanut butter lover!!! Am I still living? Yes. Did the world come crashing down around me? Well, not yet. I’m still scared out of my mind. I’m still squirming in my seat. I’m still freaking out slightly and I might be for a few days. I can’t even explain it to you. But that’s not the point. The point is that was a major K-Pow moment!

Homemade Lasagna Night

It’s Lasagna Night!!!!!!!!!

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Sometimes I use our oven for more than baking. Sometimes. Ordinarily, well before I got married, I would’ve made this lasagna with spinach instead of meat, however I don’t think my husband would’ve totally appreciated that. Soooo, I subbed the spinach for just regular beef. They didn’t have any ground turkey at the store the other day, so beef had to do. Don’t you worry, I still made this dish healthy 😉

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You’ve gotta have some sort of garlic bread when you eat Italian food. Am I right??? I like how the lasagna is still all perfect in it’s dish before I had to destroy it and it try to get a piece out 😦 It’s harder than it looks! Oh! And I got to use my blue Corningware dish. They make me smile because they are a pretty color.

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And here’s me, being awkward and showing you my plate (like you wanna see that). It’s not the prettiest presentation, but hey, getting lasagna out of a pan is difficult!!! If this isn’t a brave moment, I don’t know what is. I’m trying to breathe through this one. I feel like I should learn some Lamaze breathing techniques to deal with this (insert laugh here).

It’s just now Wednesday and this week has already been eating disorder hell. I’m trying really hard to just eat some food and not worry about how I’m going to burn it off. Easier said than done. I’m teetering on sanity. Currently, I’m watching The Big Bang Theory and the whole gang is at Sheldon and Leonard’s eating their Chinese food and I find myself asking the question of, HOW can they just eat that?! Do they even think about it? Does it phase them?! Do THEY freak out later? Ugh. I just don’t get it. It’s all very frustrating. How do all of you “normal folk” function on a daily basis? Seriously though, right now I think I want to crawl in a corner and just stare at my living room/kitchen from it.

GET INSPIRED: My Definition of Eating Disorder Recovery I wrote this as a result of my frustration of the "idealized recovery" that often gets portrayed to the outside world:

Image: http://www.dontlivesmall.com/blog/2-recovery-road-my-definition-of-recovery/4/6/2014

Also, I’m way over this whole winter thing. Can’t it just be spring? Working out/jumping around inside just isn’t appealing anymore. I just feel stuck. I know that Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow so where the heck is spring?! I know, I know, it doesn’t happen that quickly. I think I’m just a little fed up with all this dang wind, too!!! Goodness. It could blow away a small child.

#emmroy:

Image: http://theberry.com/2014/04/18/daily-motivation-25-photos-452/

I’m going to finish watching this episode of The Big Bang Theory, wait for Pretty Little Liars to come on and try not to run away now.

New Adventures in Yogurt

My Wednesday: Yogurt Adventures/Serious Research.

I promise you I sent a solid 30-45 minutes researching greek yogurts that afternoon. I was googling brands, side by side comparisons and using the fooducate website. To a normal person, I’m sure I seem super strange. It’s just yogurt, right??? Wrong!

Recently, I educated myself on yogurt and what should and shouldn’t be in them and while the ones that I usually eat-Dannon Light & Fit Greek- is not bad for you, there are other kinds that have more benefits. Changing yogurts is a huge deal for me. The Dannon one I eat now has less calories than both the other kinds I ended up deciding on. This is a big deal to me…it’s a huge step and a huge concept for me to wrap my mind around. Ultimately, I have to remember that this benefits me in the long run.

After research and toying with the idea of “upgrading” my yogurt I finally decided on the Dannon Oikos (hey, John Stamos 😉 ) Triple Zero or the Chobani Greek (I ended up finally getting the simply 100.)

The Oikos yogurt was a win! It tastes different from my other but that’s expected with change.

This is a picture from my shopping excursion today. I was overwhelmed and a little confused. Has there ALWAYS been this much yogurt?! Goodness!!

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Anyways, I made it through and it was fine. Also, I realized something today while I was talking with my Mom about this meal plan we are looking at. I’m totally terrified of bread. It scares me and I don’t want to approach it, let alone consume it. There is something funny to that though, IF I toast the bread, it seems to be less intimidating for some reason. That doesn’t make it less scary but I seem to be more likely to eat it that way. There’s a fun fact about me.

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Lastly, this is just fun!! HOW cute is this teapot man?!?!?!!! I think he’s adorable 🙂 My brother has this blood disorder, ITP, and he has to go to checkups in San Antonio and he and my Mom always eat at Cracker Barrel afterwards. He had an appointment yesterday and they brought me back this cute little guy from there!!

Sharing Sunday

The Loft Challenge #3 (by Our Misadventures)Image: http://artjournaling.tumblr.com/post/45451839848/the-loft-challenge-3-by-our-misadventures

I’ve been thinking about this list for quite some time but I’ve never actually sat down and written it. There has just been a running record of all of my fear foods in my brain that I scan through before I eat something. Today, I made this list in a note on my phone and I probably still left out some. So, here’s my Sharing Sunday:

Fear Food List:

  • Pizza
  • Breakfast tacos/burritos
  • Bacon
  • Peanut Butter (I usually eat Pb2 or Better n’ Peanut Butter)
  • Bread (sandwich, bagel, rolls, etc.)
  • Cheese
  • Juice drink (well, liquid calories)
  • Candy/chocolate (that’s not a York Patty or starburst)
  • French Fries
  • Butter
  • Pastries (pie, donuts, etc.)
  • Ice cream/cake
  • Hamburgers (not with extra lean beef)
  • Grilled Cheese
  • Baked Goods (brownies, cookies)
  • Pop Tarts (which I used to love. Especially the gingerbread, sugar cookie and brown sugar kind!)
  • Basically ANY fast food
  • Cinnamon Rolls
  • Yogurt with fat
  • Nuts
  • Salads with dressing
  • Starbucks
  • Things I don’t know the caloric content of
  • Pasta
  • Mexican food

Looking at this list is totally overwhelming. Totally intimidating. Are there any foods in the world that I do eat? Geez!! I mean do you know how long it’s been since I’ve eaten a grilled cheese? I literally don’t even know! But I’m seriously super petrified of EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of these foods. I’m scared of eat them and of what they might possibly even kind of do to my body. For the longest time-still currently-I’ve viewed food as negative. I view it as a chore and something that I have to do. It’s not enjoyable or fun! I don’t view food as nourishment and fuel as view it as evil and such a stupid thing that I need to survive. At my house, people sometimes joke that I’m the “air child” meaning that I can sustain life by consuming merely air. I SO wish!! Wouldn’t that make my problems just disappear and be that much simpler?

However, viewing food in this manner isn’t correct. It’s a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad (see my Alexander and the Terrible Day joke???) way to live. It’s crippling and miserable at times and I always feeling negative thoughts about food, me and from Ed creeping around every corner. Every time I swallow, actually. Even in the safe foods!!

In order to take a step in recovery I’ve got to start down the path of repairing my very broken relationship with food. Ed as well as myself have associated negative feelings and thoughts with food for so many years that there is some major damage. It’s going to take time to repair my relationship with food. It’s going to take many baby steps and honestly, it’s probably going to be painful to eat some of these foods.

(I did eat pizza the other day though, y’all!! And I’m still walking around here.)

I’m not saying that I need to eat these foods immediately! It may take a few months to even try another one. I’m not saying that I’m going to eat these foods all the time either (but maybe once in a blue moon I can eat a donut or drink a Starbucks beverage without completely flipping out). In the end of all of this, I just want to come out stronger. I want to be able to live a “healthy” lifestyle. That means that most of the time I eat the foods that are good and nutritious for my body and then sometimes I indulge and eat that food that isn’t always so great for you. I have to learn that I don’t have to be 100% healthy and “on my game” constantly.

Image: fightthewhispers.tumblr.com/post/55658747516/peenutbutterprincess-a-guide-to-overcoming-your                                                                             fightthewhispers.tumblr.com/mystory

This is a journey of one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. 

Positive Vibes From Gingerbread Men

Baking Adventures!!!! I’ve been following this blog called Running With Spoons —> http://www.runningwithspoons.com/

And she has a whole bunch of recipes for not only dinner or snacks but some desserts/breakfasts also. Like I mentioned the other day I had these old spotty bananas that I didn’t really want to throw away. It just felt wasteful and I LOVE bananas. So I found a recipe on her blog called Banana Oat Greek Yogurt Muffins.

http://www.runningwithspoons.com/2014/06/24/banana-oat-greek-yogurt-muffins/

They combine so many of my favorite things: bananas, Greek yogurt and chocolate. What’s not to like?! So I made them 🙂

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They turned out fantastic! Baking win! I really love the banana and chocolate taste together.

In other news, today I went to run some errands in Angelo and do a little bit of grocery shopping. We didn’t need that much really but we were a little low on a few things that NEED to be stocked in the pantry. While I was at the store I remembered these Pepperidge Farm cookies that a makeup woman on Youtube mentioned the other day (MakeupByTiffanyD). She was actually talking about the Gingerbread Family cookies, but I think that they only make those during the actual holiday season. I settled for these Gingerman cookies instead. I love gingerbread…okay, seriously I love all things that smell and taste like holiday! Except eggnog, I don’t know how I feel about that beverage.

Anyways, I just decided that I needed these so I took a flying leap off a ledge, diverting from the very safe food list (even though I did read the nutrition facts) and bought them. I even HAD to try them in the car.

Aren’t they just super cute on their own?! How can you resist? In case you were wondering, they do smell magnificent and remind me of Christmas. Also, they taste pretty awesome if you are a gingerbread lover like I am.

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Not too much going on right now, just trying to keep myself and my thoughts going in a positive direction.

Pizza & Heart Sunglasses

So, basically, this is just what I’ve been doing for the past few days. Not really a whole bunch, but in case you care 😉

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Saturday night I made homemade pizza (I didn’t make the crust this time.) This was my pizza (M would’ve thrown a fit if I made him eat my turkey pepperoni and “weird cheese” pizza.) FUN FACT: I actually neverrrrr put pepperoni on my pizza at home, but that day, I just sorta went for it. Pizza is a MAJOR fear food for me, so even when I eat it at home it’s kind of an epic thing. One day I’ll eat real pizza…one day.  I’m actually considering making a whole “fear foods” list. But we’ll see how that goes.

SUNDAY 🙂

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It just seemed like a good opportunity to take a selfie in my poncho, my Grandma’s owl whistle necklace and heart sunglasses (I ❤ these!!) The sun was shining and it just seemed perfect. And sometimes, you just have to take a selfie, right???

Then, I went for a run at my house. I was a little concerned that it was going to be too cool outside to run but M reassured me over and over that it was going to be fine. Actually, his exact words were “well are you going to be walking the whole time? Then, you’ll get warm. You’re running.” I’m such a baby with cold so I still wore this big long sleeved shirt.

While I was on this run at my house, (I run on our paved road so it’s pretty nice) I met these 2 dogs!! They have never joined me on a run before..haha. They were so random!! Thank goodness they were super sweet though!! And then other times, you just have to run with sheep, right?! Those sheep basically live with us because our house is just basically in a pasture and these sheep are constantly there. So anytime I run actually, I’m always running with some kind of animal. Getting my wildlife fix.

One of my goals in this journey is to try and eat actual dinner (lunch….now that’s a stretch and freaks me out.) But dinner seems doable because well, I’ve gotta fed my husband. On that note, tonight I’m going to try making this homemade macaroni. So, we’ll see how that turns out!!!

I’m going to try to K-Pow life and Ed this year (or at least make it quieter.) Get it? K-Pow???? 🙂