Tag Archives: fiance

Going to the Chapel….& We’re Almost Married

10.17.15. A day I’ve been waiting for, for almost a year now. It seems like ages since last Thanksgiving when we actually got engaged and now it’s FINALLY here!! I’m so excited I can hardly concentrate on anything else. I find myself consumed with thoughts of the wedding all day long while trying to concentrate on student teaching. It’s strange to think that in 2 days, I’ll be married. In about 48 hours…..I’ll be a Mrs. People can refer to me by a different last name. It’s an odd feeling, but also a warm and fuzzy one. I mean, I’m marrying my best friend; can I really ask for more?

10.17.15. A day that also caused me a gigantic anxiety attack during lunch break yesterday. I was asked to do something clearly last minute and clearly out of the blue on Thursday afternoon that clashed with previous plans. It wasn’t til 8 last night I knew it was an anxiety attack, but it was. I found myself struggling not to ball my eyes out crouched down in a corner in the classroom. That would’ve been some sight, having a bunch of 5th graders march in from lunch to find their student teacher (who they’ve known for merely 2 days at that point) crying in the corner. I managed to compose myself and realize that it wasn’t that Earth shattering. It just happened to not be in my plan. Everything could still happen, it was just going to be shifted 30-45 minutes or so. I also toyed with the idea yesterday during the attack of just going into the bathroom and throwing up. It wasn’t a pretty 20 minutes I’ll tell you. Did I do it? No. Did I want to? Hell yeah. But was that actually going to make me feel better? No, definitely not. Will ED be there Friday and Saturday? Probably. Can I shut him up? Probably not. But I can lower his volume for 12 hours? I can really try harder than I ever have. I’ve got to really try. I’ve got to block out ED’s voice. For 3 days, I’ve got to listen to him scream, stomp his feet and throw a tantrum because I don’t have the time to devote a whole hour to the elliptical and him!

Getting married is stressful and really is so much effort and work to plan/coordinate. (I do have to remember though, I’m the idiot who wanted to get married in October in the middle of student teaching.) It can also be a very beautiful though. This is a magic time. It’ll never happen again. I know everyone says “you won’t remember a thing from the wedding.” I plan to prove them wrong. Sure, I won’t remember what we ate, the flowers, probably majority of the reception or special moments though: my Daddy walking me down the aisle, our first kiss as husband and wife, the vows, our first look pictures, heck, maybe even our first dance. Those are the parts that matter. I want to soak it all in. Take the time and effort to remember. Because this is a magic time and day in life. 

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The 5 of Us vs. The Battle

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Sounds easy, right? Well, for me admitting I had a problem was simple. Actually referring to the problem by it’s correct name and wanting help for it, well that’s another story. A story that actually plays out for a number of years. Yesterday, September 11, 2015 was the day that a step was taken. The word was thought, typed and finally spoken. I was ready to admit it. So, here it goes……I, Kairos Brynn McCollum, have Anorexia. (I’ve now starred at this screen for 5 minutes without typing). That’s it y’all. That’s all I’ve got. It took me a while to be even able to think this word. Then….I had to admit to myself that that’s what was actually going on with me. Then, I had to type it out and send it to my Mom…and then Marty. Two of THE most important people in my life, I had to tell me. I had to say the word to them and make it real and not just some figment of my imagination.

Anorexia kills people y’all. It’s really scary. It’s a really terrifying moment when you realize something is eating you alive. Day by day, piece by piece it eats and chips away at you.

Perfectionism kills people y’all. I have this stupid, stupid need to have everything be perfect. But guess what, life isn’t perfect! I know that! But for some reason I still continue to strive for something that is literally impossible. What’s up with that?

Anxiety kills people y’all. My life is one giant anxiety ball. Every little thing can set it off. It’s been my whole life, not on purpose, but it has.  I’m so ritualistic that I can’t have one thing be off during the day. I eat the same foods I need to. I do the exact same thing everyday-wake up, get dressed, eat the same breakfast, go to school, WORKOUT, eat some safe food for dinner, then, if there is time for anything else do it, and finally sleep. Anxiety is scary.

I’ve been to therapy before, my first year at ASU, at that point, I had only admitted that I had an eating disorder. I had an “ED”. I didn’t have…..anorexia. It wasn’t really real until the other day. So, here I am, typing it out, boldly attaching myself to this hideous, ugly, downright vulgar word. Think about it, what an ugly word that is!!!

Recovery

So, you may be wondering, ‘How did I get to the point where I decided to admit this? What made me come to this sudden realization?’ Well, for student teaching, we have to record ourselves for 2 minutes teaching a lesson. As I watched myself teaching, I saw how truly thin I was…and how that wasn’t healthy. I knew I’d been doing some things differently lately but I didn’t realize they were actually making me thinner. I didn’t realize that I was thinner in the mirror than I was in my head. I think getting married has just escalated things, well the dress I mean. (Not that I think getting married is bad at all. I’m so so excited to marry the love of my life. I can’t wait for it to get here.) I think I’ve just been stressed. So, here I am, saying that I’m gonna have to get help. I’m gonna have to do some things differently. Am I ready to do that before I get married in 34ish days? I’m not sure. Am I going to be ready on October 18th? Yes. Am I ready to feel better? Yes! Am I ready to not hate myself? Definitely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to love myself.

So, how did I get here? How did this happen to me? Sometimes I wonder if I did something to make myself deserve this? Do I deserve to physically and mentally be in pain over eating a peanut butter sandwich or a hamburger? Or heck, even bread? I used to be mad at God, but now, I think I’m just a little upset sometimes with Him but I don’t think I’m angry anymore. I realize that I need to be able to turn to Him for prayer and comfort and that He DIDN’T do this to me.

"The Lord heals the brokenhearted, binds up their wounds, numbers all the stars, calls each of them by name.":

I used to think it was just me against the world. But after talking, I’ve realized it’s really not. It’s not Kairos v. Eating Disorder v. Anorexia v. the world. It’s Kairos (well, plus God) and Dad, Mom, Keegan and Marty against all those evil things.

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I’m really scared, totally terrified and completely petrified. I don’t like change. Even just saying the word right now literally means that nothing is the same. My entire mind and body changes. But for now, step 1 is saying the word. I did that. That’s pretty much all I can give right now. I’ll get to step 2, it’s just going to take a little bit. It took years to get to step 1, but it’s a positive step no matter how much time it took. I’ve never been more scared, but I know that there are at least 4 truly wonderful people who are more than willing to hold my hand through this.

If You’re Ever Gonna Find A Silver Lining

On staying curious: | 16 Walt Disney Quotes To Help Guide You Through Life

It’s late at night while I’m writing this, but that’s when all the best writing happens isn’t it? Over the past week I’ve been a roller coaster. I’ve done many things that have put me out of my comfort zone, literally made me want to cry and run FAR away and most of all, challenged me to be in ACTIVE recovery.

This past week, I had to go to the doctor for the whole “checkup” nonsense. Anyways, anybody who has been to the doctor knows that the first (possibly most annoying) thing they do is take your weight. It infuriates me. I’m sure the nurses at the office hate me because I literally grumble every time I have to do it. So, I stepped on the scale, backwards 🙂 it’s just what I do. I don’t want to see the number, so why act like it? I don’t need to know. I don’t want to know. There’s no need to subject myself to that torture when clearly I didn’t seek the scale out. (Side note: This is a giant hurdle for me, considering I don’t even know where the scale in my own house is.) Anyways, I avoided a crisis there, so I’d say that was a solid win for the week.

The curious paradox...

Then today, when I was with my fiancé, we ate Whataburger for lunch. I tried my best to be healthy, like I always do. I’ve scrupulously have studied the menu at this burger joint and know what are and aren’t the “best” choices. So, I picked what I thought was best, pretty much ate around the bread on the sandwich, BUT I ate the french fries that came with the order. I ATE FRENCH FRIES Y’ALL. I didn’t even freak out til hourssssss later. It was a minor win though. Minor because of the fact that I freaked out later and just about wanted to die (literally). I came home from my fiancé’s house and almost lost it. I changed clothes and tried my best to “run” it off, or get on the elliptical and get it off/out of me in some way. But I’m still here, I’m still breathing and my clothes still somehow fit. It’s all a difficult process for me. I know that it was a win. I know that eating food is good for me. (Side note: We aren’t even going to talk about how I’ve eaten this week.) But I’m slowly, slowly, slowly going to get there.

Track 2 lyrics! I knew Incredible Things (the perfume) had to have a meaning!!! Like Wonderstruck and Enchanted!!

It’s like Taylor Swift says in Blank Space, “Darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.”  That’s what an eating disorder is! A ‘nightmare’ clothed in a ‘daydream’. It’s not! It’s soooooo not. Ed starts out by saying “Nice to meet you, where you been. I could show you incredible things.” His and my version of incredible things, are VERY different. Everyone idolized the women who can eat little to nothing at meals, eat low calorie meals, shows self-restraint around sweets or foods deemed unhealthy, and basically because they are thin. They shouldn’t though because you don’t know how those women feel alone or at night. They could feel like they are in the middle of their own nightmare when you see it as a daydream. I just think it’s one of the best lines to describe an eating disorder in a quick manner.

Taylor Swift - Blank Space  Like if this is you too! Cause this is soooo me!

“Every moment of light and dark is a miracle.”  ― Walt Whitman

I’m trying really hard not to bring this Ed into my new marriage. However, that just doesn’t seem possible. It’s going to come with me. Like it or not, this e.d. is a part of me. I can’t just blink it away, but I can accept it and I can accept that I’m always going to be recovering.

Make The Moves Up As I Go

Do you ever wonder how you got yourself into a situation? Do you retrace your steps; go back to where it all began? Sometimes I just sit, fully immersed in thought and how I got to where I am and trying to even minimally comprehend God’s intense and beautiful plan. The other day I was enjoying this thought process. How did I get here? How did I get to be almost 21? How did I get to be at this level at college waiting to retake my last teacher certification exam? HOW did I get to the age where I was ready to get married? I mean, I’m about to go in for my dress fitting! Like, what? How did I even end up with this man and how did someone not find him in North Carolina before I did? How did I get here?

10 Memorable Carrie Bradshaw Quotes to Live By

I think that a lot of people go through this thought process. You go through life thinking that everything is the same. You live day to day, in the same routine until suddenly; you realize that your life has changed without you even realizing it! And no, it’s NOT a bad thing! It’s a good thing, because if you actually got to see your life changing I don’t think you would let it happen. Change is scary and usually quite unwelcome. It’s difficult to embrace but it’s something that we all need. For now, at 20 years old, all of these changes are really exhilarating and sometimes overwhelming. That’s the beauty of it though 🙂 Overwhelming is sometimes a good emotion. I’m trying to embrace this crazy ride right now. Between school, wedding planning and sorting out things with a new house to live in, things are a little nuts. But this is one of the best times of your life right? At least that’s how I see it. Everything is new and fresh and still sparkly. I can’t tarnish that; I have to take mental pictures to be able to remember as much of this as I possibly can. I don’t want it to pass me in a blur.

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Which brings me to my final point about change….I’ll never be able to fully comprehend what makes a person go through ups and downs emotionally. I never understand what makes this happen to me. I don’t get how sometimes I can just magically feel fine and then 12 hours later feel completely awful and I want to lie on my floor and give up. How does that work? I don’t know where it comes from or how to be rid of it. It’s been like this for a couple of weeks now; I don’t think I cope with it well. I don’t cope with stress, or uncertainty, or myself changing very well. I don’t know how to handle myself looking differently. I can’t wrap my mind around someone looking at me differently, scrutinizing my body in weird ways. Actually, maybe that second part is just me. Maybe this is all pre-wedding dress fitting jitters, but I’m just trying to keep all my thoughts collected and in one place. Change is a long and constant road. There’s no escaping.

Two Roads Diverged

What do you say to someone who lives a constant battle? Best wishes? You’re doing great?  I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. As school piles on (thanks a lot 18 hours) I find myself not having as much time to workout, and that……is a big problem in my world. I can’t remember the last time I worked out consecutively for a week. That’s really difficult. I don’t know how to handle it. I can’t remember the last time I ate fast food either. (Not that it seems to be making that much of a difference).  I can’t remember the last time I ate a meal that wasn’t a Quest bar or a Special K bar. (Not that it seems to have a big impact). I find myself wondering if I can remember a time in my life where I felt it was okay to eat. A time where I wasn’t plagued with anxiety about what my next meal was, my snack, or if someone was going to ask me to eat with them and I’d have to refuse because I can’t handle it. I find myself trying to recall a time lately where I didn’t feel completely guilt ridden for feeling hungry or for actually eating a lunch that wasn’t a bar (Even a sandwich is difficult apparently). I can’t remember the last time where I feel like I might even be sort of pretty that day. I have a million thoughts that I can write on paper, but for the life of me, I can’t remember half of them as I start writing.

I’ve heard a lot of songs lately that remind me of myself or something that could represent me. But one of my favorite was “Fly” by Maddie and Tae.

“So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake…”

To me, this song is about fighting for what you want even though you may not get it, and it’s the most absolutely terrifying thing.

Maddie & Tae fly lyrics.

The issue for me is…..I don’t wanna keep doing this. I don’t wanna keep feeling like this. I literally do not want to keep fighting. I’m so tired. Why am I going to keep doing this if:

A. What I’m doing, the “eating good” the “working out” isn’t making a noticeable difference

OR

B. Changing what I’m doing doesn’t make me feel any better.

Two Roads Diverged in a Wood - great quote for the littles to hear growing up. Be different, don't walk with the world!

Two roads diverged, literally. Which path are you supposed to take when neither seem to be working. Which path brings you happiness or at least the least amount of pain? What am I supposed to do now? Curl up on the floor? That really sounds like a great plan right now.

No Kick From The Trigger

Bang, bang, rollin’ off your tongue. 

When the enemy attacks you in moments of weakness the LORD will rescue you. He will bring you into a safe place and He will deliver you because He takes delight in you who love and obey Him.  Amen

Inferior. It’s not a nice word or a pretty word or a pleasant feeling. But we’ve all felt it at some time. Lately, I think I’ve been feeling that for numerous reasons:

  • school because I don’t “have time” to read 25-50+ pages PLUS go to class
  • because I’m not working and going to college at the same time
  • because I’m not as pretty/insert thing here as someone else
  • because I’m considering getting married before my fiance and I have been engaged for an entire year
  • and sometimes, because I’m kind of afraid of the future

I’m sick and tired of that.

Words are literally like bullets shooting out of a gun. Once you pull that trigger, even the slightest bit, you set off a huge chain of events. That “bullet” leaves the barrel and immediately starts charging down its course to rip into a person. It slices the air into thin slivers and almost as easily as it left the gun, penetrates it’s victim. Straight to the heart or the head is the most lethal. The “bullet” is just as painful as words can be. I promise you. Once the bullet leaves the chamber, it is completely out in the open, out of your hands and there’s no way to take it back. No rewind button whatsoever. You can’t pull it back in and make it disappear. Just like words leave a mouth, bullets charge away.

I wish words were like little toy guns. 

Carrie Underwood - Little toy Guns love it!!

Wish they didn’t break you inside.

But that’s the strangest thing about words. They do hurt. They do cause pain. Maybe the worst type of pain. So, what are you doing with your words? Do you use them as weapons to cut and slay and manipulate others, or do you use them in the best way you can? Are you trying to remember that anything you say can actually hurt someone? I think that we have to remember that words and both magical and harmful. Let’s use those to be positive : )

I don’t wanna feel inferior about not working or wanting to get married before a year has passed. The negative feelings about beauty will take time, but I can change the others now. I’m not working because I take 18 hours….that’s hard for me. Going to school is hard for me…handling this ed, that’s hard for me…and both together are difficult. But I’m going to do it….I’m going to make it.

true!

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New Year’s Resolutions anyone?? Oh please, I’ll pass. All those promises made are just waiting to be broken 1, 2 or even 3 months into the year. Sure they are supposed to be a commitment, but how often do people make promises or commitments that they have no intention of upholding or allow them to crumble to pieces because the “going got tough”. I think my point is that I really despise the saying “new year, new me”. Why? Just why?

I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking over the past two days. I knew that one day when I was getting ready to get married that my eating disorder was going to get worse. I knew that. Did I accept that? NO! But in the back of my mind did I probably know that was true? Yeah, I probably did. I don’t really have many words to describe the pain…well actually I don’t mean pain. I mean pressure. It’s an insurmountable pressure. I feel like there is so much pressure to look just right and achieve the correct “bridal look” whatever that may be. But it’s all I feel all the time. Pressure. I don’t even think it stems from an actual person. I think I provide this unattainable level of pressure for myself. I think I have an image and I don’t even know how that happened.

I guess I could say that I wasn’t ready for this day to get here, but that’s not true. I’m ready to get married…to be married. What I wasn’t prepared for was the pressure. Even though I knew, I knew that this would happen. The truth is, I was never going to be ready for this. I was never going to be mentally prepared to wear this beautiful white dress.  It’s terrifying and overwhelming…but magical all wrapped up together. It’s a weird time in life.

I think I have this pressure because I think that I just want to be perfect. I think I want to be perfect looking for my fiancé or soon to be husband. Not that he’s set an unattainable goal for me, but I think I have for myself.

This is about to be a really big year for me. In May I turn 21, I get married in June and then finally to end the year I’ll graduate from college. There’s so much to look forward to and be thankful for.

So, I’m not making a resolution. I’m refocusing my goals in 2015. I don’t expect to change overnight or even half my habits in a new year, but a millimeter of progress in this department is the equivalent of climbing a mountain for me.

JOY to the World

I’m sitting here this morning watching they Disney Parade (I’m 6, I know. No judgement please.) But as I’m sitting here, soaking up all of the Christmas morning magic it makes me consider this life and most importantly The Savior that makes this spectacular life possible.

“The Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be pregnant. She will have a son, and she will name him Immanuel.” Isaiah 7:14

“For to us a child is born, to use a son is given; and the government shall be rest upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6-7

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As I’ve said before, these past 2 months have been insane; both positive and negative. In 2015, my life is going to change for the better. I get the marry the love of my life! How crazy is that?! But on the negative end, my little brother has ITP, which is a a blood disorder where he doesn’t have enough platelets in his blood. He’s been in and out of the hospital for the past couple of weeks and he even went in a day before Christmas Eve. He got to come home yesterday though, and we all celebrated Christmas Eve/Christmas with him 🙂 He’s doing so much better.

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This Christmas isn’t about being pretty for me. It’s not about letting Ed live my life and control all my habits. It’s about being happy and soaking in all the love and beautiful things that God has surrounded you with. Spending time with your family and being thankful for who is present in your life and stop complaining about being ‘alone’ because you don’t have a significant other. That’s not what today is. Take your mind off the negative and refocus it on the positive aspects.

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This is a beautiful, wonderful, joyous, loving, exciting, and grand life. Let’s live in the spectacular now. Merry Christmas 🙂

Merry Christmas not happy holidays !!!!!

Something Old, Something New

Classic | Flint Hill Wedding from Amy Arrington Photography  Read more - http://www.stylemepretty.com/georgia-weddings/2013/10/21/flint-hill-wedding-from-amy-arrington-photography/

Tomorrow is a very exciting day for me. I get to go wedding dress shopping!!! I got engaged just a little over a week ago…..but don’t think I’m nuts. I’m just excited and this is perfectly logical. For a long time I’ve dreamed about marrying someone I cannot see myself without, just like any girl does. And now….. “I have found the one whom my soul loves.” Song of Solomon 3:4. I can’t even believe I’m at this point in life for this! I’m literally so excited. All I can think about is how different this December is so different from the last. It just seems like we, and myself too, have such an incredibly long way.

Elizabeth de Varga Wedding Dress // Featured in 'Old Hollywood Styled Shoot' on Modern Wedding. Photography by Artography, flowers by Ginger & Lily Floral Studio.

Now as extremely excited as I am, this process also gives me some great anxiety. First, I don’t know that I ever thought I was good enough, nice enough or pretty enough for someone to want to marry. I really began this thought process when I was a senior in high school and throughout my first couple of years of college. Plus, how could anyone fall in love with a girl who has an eating disorder and literally hates themselves some days? I don’t know, but it happens. That’s the funny thing about God. I firmly believe that He has a person for everyone but He didn’t allow me to realize mine until His perfect timing. Not mine, but HIS.

About these trying on dress anxieties. I’ve had a long struggle with numbers on clothing, so this could potentially turn to the dark side. But it won’t. This is such an incredible and happy day! There’s no conceivable reason that I should be worrying what size wedding dress I wear or what I look like in it. I continuously remind myself that I’m not marrying Ed, (a figment of my imagination) but a man. A kind, understanding, giving and loving man who knows that Ed is an occasional house guest. But there’s no room for Ed at this inn. He has no home or guest room here in this new journey I begin. In this new journey that we begin.

Trying on the dress is a happy moment that really lets you know that this excited dream-like feeling you’ve been walking around with is real! Actually real. This is happening. This is one of the biggest moments in my life and I’m going to enjoy it. 🙂

Knowing that every day is going to be a work in progress regardless of your stage in recovery.

have guests throw/blow glitter instead of rice! Oh SO DOING THIS on my wedding day!! My dream. Raining glitter!!