Tag Archives: fighter

The 5 of Us vs. The Battle

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Sounds easy, right? Well, for me admitting I had a problem was simple. Actually referring to the problem by it’s correct name and wanting help for it, well that’s another story. A story that actually plays out for a number of years. Yesterday, September 11, 2015 was the day that a step was taken. The word was thought, typed and finally spoken. I was ready to admit it. So, here it goes……I, Kairos Brynn McCollum, have Anorexia. (I’ve now starred at this screen for 5 minutes without typing). That’s it y’all. That’s all I’ve got. It took me a while to be even able to think this word. Then….I had to admit to myself that that’s what was actually going on with me. Then, I had to type it out and send it to my Mom…and then Marty. Two of THE most important people in my life, I had to tell me. I had to say the word to them and make it real and not just some figment of my imagination.

Anorexia kills people y’all. It’s really scary. It’s a really terrifying moment when you realize something is eating you alive. Day by day, piece by piece it eats and chips away at you.

Perfectionism kills people y’all. I have this stupid, stupid need to have everything be perfect. But guess what, life isn’t perfect! I know that! But for some reason I still continue to strive for something that is literally impossible. What’s up with that?

Anxiety kills people y’all. My life is one giant anxiety ball. Every little thing can set it off. It’s been my whole life, not on purpose, but it has.  I’m so ritualistic that I can’t have one thing be off during the day. I eat the same foods I need to. I do the exact same thing everyday-wake up, get dressed, eat the same breakfast, go to school, WORKOUT, eat some safe food for dinner, then, if there is time for anything else do it, and finally sleep. Anxiety is scary.

I’ve been to therapy before, my first year at ASU, at that point, I had only admitted that I had an eating disorder. I had an “ED”. I didn’t have…..anorexia. It wasn’t really real until the other day. So, here I am, typing it out, boldly attaching myself to this hideous, ugly, downright vulgar word. Think about it, what an ugly word that is!!!

Recovery

So, you may be wondering, ‘How did I get to the point where I decided to admit this? What made me come to this sudden realization?’ Well, for student teaching, we have to record ourselves for 2 minutes teaching a lesson. As I watched myself teaching, I saw how truly thin I was…and how that wasn’t healthy. I knew I’d been doing some things differently lately but I didn’t realize they were actually making me thinner. I didn’t realize that I was thinner in the mirror than I was in my head. I think getting married has just escalated things, well the dress I mean. (Not that I think getting married is bad at all. I’m so so excited to marry the love of my life. I can’t wait for it to get here.) I think I’ve just been stressed. So, here I am, saying that I’m gonna have to get help. I’m gonna have to do some things differently. Am I ready to do that before I get married in 34ish days? I’m not sure. Am I going to be ready on October 18th? Yes. Am I ready to feel better? Yes! Am I ready to not hate myself? Definitely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to love myself.

So, how did I get here? How did this happen to me? Sometimes I wonder if I did something to make myself deserve this? Do I deserve to physically and mentally be in pain over eating a peanut butter sandwich or a hamburger? Or heck, even bread? I used to be mad at God, but now, I think I’m just a little upset sometimes with Him but I don’t think I’m angry anymore. I realize that I need to be able to turn to Him for prayer and comfort and that He DIDN’T do this to me.

"The Lord heals the brokenhearted, binds up their wounds, numbers all the stars, calls each of them by name.":

I used to think it was just me against the world. But after talking, I’ve realized it’s really not. It’s not Kairos v. Eating Disorder v. Anorexia v. the world. It’s Kairos (well, plus God) and Dad, Mom, Keegan and Marty against all those evil things.

PhototasticCollage-2015-09-12-16-51-23

I’m really scared, totally terrified and completely petrified. I don’t like change. Even just saying the word right now literally means that nothing is the same. My entire mind and body changes. But for now, step 1 is saying the word. I did that. That’s pretty much all I can give right now. I’ll get to step 2, it’s just going to take a little bit. It took years to get to step 1, but it’s a positive step no matter how much time it took. I’ve never been more scared, but I know that there are at least 4 truly wonderful people who are more than willing to hold my hand through this.

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Invincible

***New Music Alert***

“Broken glass inside, won’t cut through me.”

cassadee-pope-i-am-invincible-cover

I DO NOT in any way, shape or form feel invincible. Ever. Which makes this title a little confusing, I know. I have never felt like I would win some crazy battle, whether it be with inner self or some other person. Anyways, Cassadee Pope has a new song out in which she talks about herself and feeling invincible. She sings about knowing that you are a strong person and not letting anyone tell you differently! She talks about taking your inner pain and issues and harnessing them and turning them around and creating a positive sense of self and inner strength. What a concept for me! There have been so so so many times over just the past few weeks, (yeah, I know, my life really) where I have completely felt helpless, out of control and like I’m never actually going to win a battle with myself or my evil inner voice, Ed.

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But hearing that song this morning, hearing the words “Heart covered in scars, but my fear is gone…” I thought, is my fear actually gone? Is my battle with some major insecurity and Ed a battle I am actually working and willing to win? Well, is it? Do I want to feel invincible? YES. I do. I so do. I just don’t know how.  I just constantly feel like if I eat one wrong food, or miss one workout that everything I’ve been working towards with my body is just gonna go straight to hell. All the efforts, literal hour long workouts, stressing about meals will just all disappear. This is not healthy! It just can’t be! I can’t continue to live in a world where I MUST check out a restaurant’s caloric content on the internet before I can decide I am even slightly able to stomach eating there. When I feel more comfortable eating a Quest bar for dinner than actual food, there’s got to be some kind of issue, right? Last weekend was my bachelorette thing before my wedding. That was an interesting evening for me. I had the girls eat at McAlister’s with me because I knew the menu; I could study it and make an ‘informed’ decision about what food I chose to put in my body. Which for me, is a gigantic comfort compared to eating at a local Mexican restaurant such as Henry’s. That place drives me insane…well possibly because I am. Then, on top of eating at McAlister’s I actually had some tiny bit of alcohol. I never do that! I’m scared of drinking! I’m scared of what it does to my body. I don’t want to change. I’m just scared……all the time.

I want to feel free….invincible.

#anorexia #eatingdisorder #recovery

Speaking of change, this weekend is my town’s local rodeo. We all know what that means….jeans!!! Jeans everywhere!! We all know how I feel about wearing jeans. Major anxiety there. It was this time last year I found myself putting on jeans that I found to be “tight” (yet they fit fine) which brought me straight back into more intense workouts. They do still fit, and I still wear them, they just freak me out. Often times, I have to remind myself that I’m not in a competition with other women. What size jeans I wear does not define me! Having an eating disorder doesn’t define me. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not damaged because I have an eating disorder; and I am certainly not in a completion with other women I know that have issues with insecurity. I’m not in a ‘who has a bigger eating disorder’ competition. Sometimes, it’s very easy to forget that because there are always people around you, your age, talking about their diet, their workouts, their clothes, what size they want to be, and how they got to eat pizza and a burger and I ate yogurt. But that’s just life, there is always going to be some sort of trigger. The way that you overcome those triggers, become more brave, is to realize that you are just one human, and you can only do so much. You have to take a step back, take a deep breath, relax and become invincible.

Make The Moves Up As I Go

Do you ever wonder how you got yourself into a situation? Do you retrace your steps; go back to where it all began? Sometimes I just sit, fully immersed in thought and how I got to where I am and trying to even minimally comprehend God’s intense and beautiful plan. The other day I was enjoying this thought process. How did I get here? How did I get to be almost 21? How did I get to be at this level at college waiting to retake my last teacher certification exam? HOW did I get to the age where I was ready to get married? I mean, I’m about to go in for my dress fitting! Like, what? How did I even end up with this man and how did someone not find him in North Carolina before I did? How did I get here?

10 Memorable Carrie Bradshaw Quotes to Live By

I think that a lot of people go through this thought process. You go through life thinking that everything is the same. You live day to day, in the same routine until suddenly; you realize that your life has changed without you even realizing it! And no, it’s NOT a bad thing! It’s a good thing, because if you actually got to see your life changing I don’t think you would let it happen. Change is scary and usually quite unwelcome. It’s difficult to embrace but it’s something that we all need. For now, at 20 years old, all of these changes are really exhilarating and sometimes overwhelming. That’s the beauty of it though 🙂 Overwhelming is sometimes a good emotion. I’m trying to embrace this crazy ride right now. Between school, wedding planning and sorting out things with a new house to live in, things are a little nuts. But this is one of the best times of your life right? At least that’s how I see it. Everything is new and fresh and still sparkly. I can’t tarnish that; I have to take mental pictures to be able to remember as much of this as I possibly can. I don’t want it to pass me in a blur.

IMG_5383

Which brings me to my final point about change….I’ll never be able to fully comprehend what makes a person go through ups and downs emotionally. I never understand what makes this happen to me. I don’t get how sometimes I can just magically feel fine and then 12 hours later feel completely awful and I want to lie on my floor and give up. How does that work? I don’t know where it comes from or how to be rid of it. It’s been like this for a couple of weeks now; I don’t think I cope with it well. I don’t cope with stress, or uncertainty, or myself changing very well. I don’t know how to handle myself looking differently. I can’t wrap my mind around someone looking at me differently, scrutinizing my body in weird ways. Actually, maybe that second part is just me. Maybe this is all pre-wedding dress fitting jitters, but I’m just trying to keep all my thoughts collected and in one place. Change is a long and constant road. There’s no escaping.

Blazing Hearts

You were the girl with the blazing heart on fire….

I was watching Nashville last night and Lennon and Maisy sang this amazing song. At first listen, I didn’t really catch what it was saying to me, but this morning when I looked it up, I pretty much heard exactly what it meant.

Free as a dress in the breeze hanging on a laundry line, in the sunshine….

Even if it’s just for 2 measly seconds, we all know what it’s like to feel free. I know that feeling, it’s pretty amazing. Sometimes throughout the day I will just randomly feel this way. All of a sudden I can feel empowered and like I’m ready to conquer anything, which is something rare these days. Usually I feel so bogged down from all of this school work (which is literally taking over my life!!!!) but sometimes in the middle of it all, I can feel some freedom. Sometimes, I can feel like I’m in control. This song talks about how everyone goes through this, everyone gets a little down on themselves.

Who threw the punch that you couldn’t handle, what came along and blew out your candle?

Well….I think we all know who. But how does that happen? I still have yet to understand how I have managed to develop this disease over my life. I don’t mean to play the “poor me” card. I’m just saying, how did I get picked so to speak? That’s the old way of my thinking, they why. Now I should be thinking, how do I change that? How do I get myself to overcome this? I’m stronger than he is…I am.

Maybe it’s just yourself that you’re fighting, keeping the shine in your star from rising…

Technically it is just myself that I’m fighting…but it really is more than that. I don’t mean to keep myself down, but am I unintentionally doing this? I think that lately I just feel really down, almost depressed. I feel like nothing is going right these days, like I can’t get anything to go my way. This has been one of the hardest semesters of my life, just with all the complications and basically just transitioning into becoming an almost full functioning adult. I’m just tired of fighting the same battles all the time and tired of having the same conversations over and over and overrrrrrr.

….Gotta light it back up, gotta get back up.

But just like these young girls clearly say, you’ve just got to get back up, have to pick yourself back up off the ground and keep going. Keep fighting. Eventually something has to go in my favor, right? It’ll get better….I think. (:

Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can.

You were the girl with the blazing heart on fire ❤

Two Roads Diverged

What do you say to someone who lives a constant battle? Best wishes? You’re doing great?  I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. As school piles on (thanks a lot 18 hours) I find myself not having as much time to workout, and that……is a big problem in my world. I can’t remember the last time I worked out consecutively for a week. That’s really difficult. I don’t know how to handle it. I can’t remember the last time I ate fast food either. (Not that it seems to be making that much of a difference).  I can’t remember the last time I ate a meal that wasn’t a Quest bar or a Special K bar. (Not that it seems to have a big impact). I find myself wondering if I can remember a time in my life where I felt it was okay to eat. A time where I wasn’t plagued with anxiety about what my next meal was, my snack, or if someone was going to ask me to eat with them and I’d have to refuse because I can’t handle it. I find myself trying to recall a time lately where I didn’t feel completely guilt ridden for feeling hungry or for actually eating a lunch that wasn’t a bar (Even a sandwich is difficult apparently). I can’t remember the last time where I feel like I might even be sort of pretty that day. I have a million thoughts that I can write on paper, but for the life of me, I can’t remember half of them as I start writing.

I’ve heard a lot of songs lately that remind me of myself or something that could represent me. But one of my favorite was “Fly” by Maddie and Tae.

“So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake…”

To me, this song is about fighting for what you want even though you may not get it, and it’s the most absolutely terrifying thing.

Maddie & Tae fly lyrics.

The issue for me is…..I don’t wanna keep doing this. I don’t wanna keep feeling like this. I literally do not want to keep fighting. I’m so tired. Why am I going to keep doing this if:

A. What I’m doing, the “eating good” the “working out” isn’t making a noticeable difference

OR

B. Changing what I’m doing doesn’t make me feel any better.

Two Roads Diverged in a Wood - great quote for the littles to hear growing up. Be different, don't walk with the world!

Two roads diverged, literally. Which path are you supposed to take when neither seem to be working. Which path brings you happiness or at least the least amount of pain? What am I supposed to do now? Curl up on the floor? That really sounds like a great plan right now.

Everybody Knows We Have No Fear

http://www.jedfoundation.org/press-room/news-archive/my-nine-year-struggle-with-anorexia-by-brittany-snow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-6IL8DCcFI

So for some reason earlier I was Googling Brittany Snow. I’m not even sure what possessed me to look her up today, maybe the Pitch Perfect 2 ad or something (or maybe just the fact I’ve loved her since American Dreams???) Anyways, it turns out that it was a really, very, wonderful thing that I did Google her today. I found something that just really helped me. Brittany Snow had the daily struggle too.

WHAT????? She. Is. Gorgeous. How does that happen?

Brittany Snow in Hot Wavy Hair Down Perfect for Homecoming Dance - Beautiful Hairstyles

American Dreams

Brittany Snow in John Tucker Must Die (2006), I love that preppy, clean girly sense of style she has in this movie!

John Tucker Must Die

Okay so, I am in love with Brittany Snow and all the dresses she wore in Hairspray. Love the 60's look

Hairspray

Pitch Perfect

She’s precious. And maybe…I’ll carry her article around in my back pocket just like she carried hers. It’s a daily journey. Remembering you’re enough and you are worth it is key.

Love Is Louder ❤

Blank Space

New Year’s Resolutions anyone?? Oh please, I’ll pass. All those promises made are just waiting to be broken 1, 2 or even 3 months into the year. Sure they are supposed to be a commitment, but how often do people make promises or commitments that they have no intention of upholding or allow them to crumble to pieces because the “going got tough”. I think my point is that I really despise the saying “new year, new me”. Why? Just why?

I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking over the past two days. I knew that one day when I was getting ready to get married that my eating disorder was going to get worse. I knew that. Did I accept that? NO! But in the back of my mind did I probably know that was true? Yeah, I probably did. I don’t really have many words to describe the pain…well actually I don’t mean pain. I mean pressure. It’s an insurmountable pressure. I feel like there is so much pressure to look just right and achieve the correct “bridal look” whatever that may be. But it’s all I feel all the time. Pressure. I don’t even think it stems from an actual person. I think I provide this unattainable level of pressure for myself. I think I have an image and I don’t even know how that happened.

I guess I could say that I wasn’t ready for this day to get here, but that’s not true. I’m ready to get married…to be married. What I wasn’t prepared for was the pressure. Even though I knew, I knew that this would happen. The truth is, I was never going to be ready for this. I was never going to be mentally prepared to wear this beautiful white dress.  It’s terrifying and overwhelming…but magical all wrapped up together. It’s a weird time in life.

I think I have this pressure because I think that I just want to be perfect. I think I want to be perfect looking for my fiancé or soon to be husband. Not that he’s set an unattainable goal for me, but I think I have for myself.

This is about to be a really big year for me. In May I turn 21, I get married in June and then finally to end the year I’ll graduate from college. There’s so much to look forward to and be thankful for.

So, I’m not making a resolution. I’m refocusing my goals in 2015. I don’t expect to change overnight or even half my habits in a new year, but a millimeter of progress in this department is the equivalent of climbing a mountain for me.

Be Your Own Angel

Time for my annual rant. If you don’t wanna hear it and you’re going to say “they work hard for their bodies and train as hard as anyone else.” Stop reading now. Go!

First thoughts when you first hear about the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show:

“Oh, great I like to watch that every year.”

“Then again, I just love to torture myself.”

“Skinny and pretty models parading around in underwear. Lovely.”

“Oh, but I love T-Swift. Ed Sheeran too!”

“I guess I’ll watch. Stupid models. Making girls self esteem go down every year around this time.”

So, I admit it, I pretty much watch this every year. I guess you could say it’s “torture”. I don’t know if I feel quite that way about it though. I’ve read and researched a lot of information about this fashion show and how the models workout and how they diet and how they prepare for this upcoming show. I don’t even want to explain that. It’s a lot of words that you could probably guess at or make your own assumptions about how those “angels” live. I’m not saying they don’t eat pizza, because I don’t know how those women live. I’m also not saying that they don’t work hard to maintain those “perfect bodies”. What I am saying though, is that does this industry have to only showcase this singular type of woman?

There are plenty of different sized women in the world. Plenty. And not one single type of woman appeals to all men. I’m not saying that we have to necessarily only showcase bigger than size 10 women, size 0 or size 6. I’m just saying that there could be variety added to the show! Seriously. Let’s spice up this thing or change it up so that it’s not horrifically predictable.

Thoughts during the VS Show:

“Well I feel fat.”

“She’s not even pretty.”

“I hope she falls.”

“Is she married?”

“Tomorrow I start running. I’m never going to look like that.”

I think that it’s important to show that all different body types are beautiful. I think it’s vital to show little girls, teen girls, young women, college girls, and even older women that their bodies are beautiful just the way they are. I know that I for one have trouble accepting these compliments or truths, I struggled with it all today. I just believe that it’s important to show young girls and daughters and mothers that just because they aren’t a size 0-2 doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful. It means that they are beautiful to their friends, boyfriends, fiances, and husbands just the way they are.

Yeah, the VS Show gets a lot of heat each and every year. Sure, the whole company catches flack for these models. I’m sure they don’t blink an eye at it anymore. But let me just say…..seeing your ribs isn’t normal nor do I feel that it should be praised. Final point, yes, they are pretty and work hard, but I don’t like the message they are conveying (whether it be intentional or not).

VS and Society’s view of beauty literally is “a nightmare dressed like a daydream”. Believe me, I live that nightmare. It seems like a sparkly dream, but it’s not, it’s really not. The vision at the end is not worth the journey to get there…….(insert experience here).

Lover, Crier, Fighter, Riser

The first time I ever heard the song Riser by Dierks Bentley I knew it was immediately meant for me. It was meant to give me inspiration, hope and the courage to pursue what I wanted. Special, really special. It talks about being someone who risers against all odds, through the difficult times, through all of the doubters, disbelief and constant lies that tell you your dream is not achievable.

I’m a riser.

I’m a riser
I’m a get up off the ground, don’t run and hider
Pushing comes a-shovin’
Hey I’m a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I’m a lighter

I think that you have to be your own hero, your own riser. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t find someone else that can be a riser for you as well. Because I sincerely believe that everyone needs another person to lean on. No matter how much you try, how much you wish, or how much everyone says you just need yourself, a support system is necessary. You need someone else to lift you up and say you can do it because there are going to be those days where you just cannot do it alone.

I’m a fighter.

Lay your pretty head down on my shoulder
You don’t have to worry anymore
This old world is cold and getting colder
And I know how to lock and bolt the door

I’m strong enough to hold you through the winter
Mean enough to stare your demons down

This song makes me cry when I listen to it.  I can probably turn just about any song I listen to into a song about me and my ed. But honestly, it didn’t take much effort with this one. It grabs a hold of my heart, grips it from the very first words to the uttering of the last and simply makes me feel like it gets me. It gets what I’m experiencing  and it 100% understands how I feel. And I think that the song is says that it’s okay for me to rely on other people to help me sometimes. It’s telling me that sometimes you simply can’t do it on your own.

Bottom line is, this song is really important to me and teaches me a lesson of sorts. No matter what ed and the world are throwing at me, I have to keep doing this, I have to keep being a fighter, I have to keep being a riser.

Hey Little Fighter

self-reflection easily becomes self-loathing. kids with #OCD will often say things like "I hate myself" or "I wish I was dead." These statements illustrate the pain caused by self-criticism in the OCD mind, which quickly spirals out of control.

I finally had my appointment today with my therapist. I actually was feeling pretty anxious about it. I didn’t want to go in at all. I didn’t want to go in there and have to say that I failed or that I feel sad or that I’m still in the exact same thing at a month ago. I feel like this broken record saying the same thing, over and over again. Is that how it’s suppose to be? I said something to my therapist today actually that I just realized. I’m a perfectionist and the reason I feel like a failure is because I can’t overcome the eating disorder and I can’t obtain the results that the eating disorder wants me to be. It’s both ends of the spectrum fighting each other. Do you realize how impossible that sounds? How can you achieve both of those things at once?! Right, you can’t! I also think that I’m a bit of a “people pleaser” and therefore I feel bad when the people that are trying to be a support system don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t know what to say to me either. It’s really just a combination of all this compliments/encouragements of sorts that I need. I just need to hear the words that I’m doing okay (i.e. great, fine, doing the right thing, **insert positive comment here**) I just want to let go.

Here's to us.

Yesterday, I was on this website where I was reading all these positive and inspirational recovery stories that made me hopeful and made me believe that I can do this. I can win this battle. I just have to keep getting up everyday and be willing to cope, be willing to fight, be willing to cry and be willing to pick myself up off the bathroom floor and keep going.

I also ran across this really neat app yesterday! (Thanks, Pinterest 😉 ) It’s called Recovery Recorder. It’s an app where you enter your meals, workouts, feelings, and all sorts of other eating disorder related questions. I was so excited when I found it; it’s honestly almost ridiculous how excited I was. The app alerts you every time around a meal time and say it’s time to log a meal, and at the end of each entry, it gives you some sort of positive quotation. I’m really liking that idea.

Recovery Record (Eating Disorder Management) screenshot

Recovery Record (Eating Disorder Management) screenshot

Recovery Record Eating Disorder Management App helps people who are recovering.