Guess what I had the other day? WHATABURGER CHICKEN STRIPS! I haven’t eaten at Whataburger in at least 3 months, if not longer. I ate them. I actually let myself walk into a fast food restaurant, order a version of fried chicken, the gravy, the fries and the whole nine yards. I did it! I actually did it. Did I feel bad while I ate it? Maybe a little. However, it was almost kind of a joyous experience. For 5 minutes, I had control over what I was eating. I’m sort of proud of myself for this seemingly small accomplishment. Have I spent the last few days trying to reverse the effects that I think the chicken strips have left on my body, well yes, of course I have. I’m me for crying out loud. That’s not the point of eating the chicken strips though. The point of this is I ate them! Do you even have any remote idea of how hard it is for me to eat things that are “unhealthy” for you? It’s extremely hard! Sometimes I sit and I think about the things that I let myself eat. I honestly eat pretty healthy. It’s a “good” thing I guess but it’s kind of crippling to me and doesn’t really make me happy. Having to go into a restaurant and scour the menu for the healthiest food on the menu isn’t a fun activity. It’s almost embarrassing. Very much so. I was by myself when I ate this meal, which did make it a little easier to consume.
The point is, I ate them. I ate the breaded strips and the french fries. I did it. I’m entirely too excited about this.
As we are in the middle of finals week (and I take a break from looking at Pinterest instead of studying) I’m kind of considering eating here again. I’m not sure if I will, but it’s the thought that counts in this situation, right?
I feel like I’m in a large dark hole right now. I pretty much feel miserable. Why, do you ask?I have no idea. I have no answer to your question. I just feel…really awful. Maybe I’m sad. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe I’m just upset because I have a bunch of school work. Maybe it’s just that point in the semester. Actually though, it’s probably because I ate a salad for dinner when I much rather would’ve had a hamburger (with cheese), Schlotzskys, Chick-Fil-A, some cheese pizza, or for crying out loud some freaking french fries. Why don’t I eat those? Well, my answer is simple, because I can’t. Stupid answer and reasoning, I know. There’s no need to tell me that. I know I sound utterly ridiculous. Telling me to just eat would just be you wasting your breath and barking up the wrong tree. Why can’t I just eat those things? Because I immediately feel bad! I feel bad for even considering them. I just have this horrible crippling fear of being fat. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel sad? Is there something I can do to make myself feel better or am I just destined to be like this forever? Do I just get to feel the need to work out constantly and like that’s the only way to fix anything for the rest of my life? Do I get to feel like curling up in a ball and crying forever? Do I get to feel like I’m only of value and my worth is determined by what I look like? Maybe, at the end of the day, I just want to hear these words of encouragement from one person. Just one person. I just want to hear him say he believes in me and that even though I’m scared to death of everything I’m feeling and experiencing right now he still believes in me. I just want to be open about it. I want to feel like I’m not hurting anyone with it when I feel this way. I think I just want to cry.
That was a really giant jumbled rambling mess. Basically, the point of this internal questioning is what’s going on with me and why do I feel like this? I didn’t ask to feel this way and I’m trying everything I can to somehow change that. I just feel like I’m a little girl and this shouldn’t be happening to me.