Tag Archives: friends

Link Love 8/7

Fun:

17 Retro School Supplies We Wish Were On Our Shopping List– by We Are Teachers via BuzzFeed

 

What Would Your “Friends” Storyline Be?– by ChelseaTot via BuzzFeed

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YES! Sign me up!!!!

‘Lizzie McGuire’ Fans Will Love the Upcoming Show ‘Andi Mack’-by Alexis Rhiannon via Bustle

I saw a posts this week circling around the web and I watched it on the Today Show that Cheerios is coming out with Pumpkin Spice flavored Cheerios. With this week I’ve been having and all the longing for fall I’ve been doing, this is almost music to my ears. As much as I think there are way too many pumpkin spice things in the world, I still can’t resist! 🙂

Source 1 Source 2

Health:

Dove’s Latest Campaign Wants You To Talk About What Athletes Do– by Trilby Beresford via Hello Giggles

What I Wish I Knew Before My Daughter Developed Anorexia– by A. Pawlowski via Today

Damn, Working Out Is Hard!– by Jenny Sugar via PopSugar

This will make your life. They are just great! I feel every one of these every time I work out.

I can’t believe that I’m about to become a functional adult in society. I start my first day of work on Wednesday. There aren’t any students there yet but I still have to start doing all the behind the scenes teacher work. I’m pretty super freaking nervous/worried/slightly excited. Surely everything will turn out alright? Wish me luck! This is the beginning of a whole new adventure.

 

Link Love 6/26

Fun/Quizzes:

22 “Friends” Characters As Explained By My Mom – by Casey Rackham via BuzzFeed

#9 YES! This mom was spot on about that!!! I can completely agree.

#16 where Rachel works….hahaha

11 Foods America Convinced Us Were Acceptable To Eat When We Were Kids-by Aly Vander Hayden via Elite Daily

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Image Source

Health/Body Positive:

5 Ways to Stay Body-Positive in the Dressing Room– by Kaitlin Irwin via Proud2BMe

Your Body Isn’t A Battlefield– by Robyn via The Real Life RD

The 1 Thing You Shouldn’t Do When Talking to Your Daughter About Her Body– by Samantha Zabell via Real Simple

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Image Source

Food: 

We Tried Chicken Nuggets From Chick-Fil-A, Wendy’s, Burger King and Mcdonald’s– by Hollis Johnson via Business Insider

Philly Cheesesteak Freezer Meal– by Josie Kapetsonis via Southern Cali Saver

I didn’t actually freeze this meal I just went ahead and make it. It was fantastic and I’ll be freezing this for during the school year.

Image #1 Image #2

Link Love 3/20

Fun Stuff-

21 Disney Prince Facts You Never Knew as a Kid– Hilary White via Popsugar

How To Dress ‘Cute Sexy’ Like Taylor Swift– Sheena Sharma via Elite Daily

I love Taylor Swift and her style is pretty cute. I will NOT be wearing crop tops anytime soon, but the ‘sexy teacher’ outfit suggestion cracked me up!

sexy-schoolteacher

Image: http://elitedaily.com/women/taylor-swift-style/1418001/

Royal Reckoning: Modern Moms Say Strong Girls Love Princesses Too– Allison Slater Tate via today.com

I loved this because I really strongly dislike all the hate Disney princesses get because they want to have a prince, fall in love, or wait for a man.

TV Shows/Entertainment-

19 Recipes For the ‘Gilmore Girls’ Fanatic – Emma Karpinski via HerCampus

Because I’m totally in love with Gilmore Girls and my husband relentless makes fun of me for it.

Seriously, FICA, seriously?The struggle has been real. Thanks to Buzzfeed for coming up with 23 times Rachel Green summarized your twenties.

23 Happy “Grey’s Anatomy” Moments That Prove It’s Not All Bad– Zakiya Jamal via Buzzfeed.

Because I am seriously beginning to doubt.

Health/Body Positive-

An Open Letter to the Body I Destroyed through Anorexia – Anonymous Author via HerCampus

This is probably going to be a difficult read. It was for me because it resonates with me so deeply and I can pretty much check mark most of the things off my list that this author writes about. It just made me ache a little.

Emma Watson Opens Up About Her Struggles With Low Self Esteem– Sarah Lindig via Harper’s Bazaar

As if you didn’t love her already.

 

God Thinks You’re Beautiful– Sheila Walsh via Proverbs 31 Ministries

This was kind of a lengthy article, but it was good for the most part.

Finding Equilibrium

I hope that nobody ever said recovery was easy. It certainly isn’t. Not that I previous thought it was….but literally, this is a daily thing that I have to get up and decide. Some days I find myself mad at the world, at myself and at others. Some days I find myself to just be kind of sad and gloomy (which is more of today. Plus, the weather seems to be mimicking me). Every day I have to get up out of bed and decide that I want to recover. The want is a hard concept. Some days I just flat out don’t!!!! I think that my life sometimes is just living from meal to meal and trying to decide it’s outcome on me. I don’t want that for the rest of my life. That’s when I try my hardest to remember the want. There are sometimes where I don’t feel like I’m doing enough or that I’m enough. At that point, I think to myself that some days are just going to be harder than others. Not everything is perfect! And there are some days where if all I do is get up out of bed, that’s probably a victory in some way.

Boggle the Owl poses a wonderful question that I need to ask myself, and probably everyone could apply this to themselves at one point or another.

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Image Source: http://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/post/62711162750

 

I was doing a bunch of substituting last week and I would come home at the end of the day and need to go run or workout. As I would sit on the couch and try to find the will power to put on my socks and tennis shoes and thinking about how I needed to make dinner and run the vacuum for a minute, I kept asking myself, ‘How do actual working people come home every day and do this? They work all day and they are tired, then they’ve got to come home and eat/make dinner/clean something and all they really want to do is sit down for a second and watch TV. Who wants to go to the gym/workout at home/who has the time?!’ Just who the hell wants to do that?!

I’ve read it before that life is all about balance. So I guess, that’s how they do it: BALANCE. That’s a part I’m still struggling with. It’s hard to have or even fathom balance when it hasn’t existed in your life for such a long period  of time. Right now, the journey is about finding a new balance, a new equilibrium.

Speaking of balance…………here’s a look into my Sunday adventures. I went to church that morning and my mom was asking if I wanted a donut before church. Nope, no way, no how. NOT ready for that one. However, I did request 1 donut hole.

I was also trying really, really hard to make spring happen. It wasn’t going to happen. It was misty and just plain gross outside. I was just totally determined to wear this skirt, dang it!!!

In the afternoon I made my mom and one of my best friends watch Snoopy, Come Home with me-that’s 2 hours of my life I’ll never get back. My mom did also happen to have some cherry limeaide Jack Daniel’s….and I happen to be a fan of pretty much anything cherry limeaide flavor, so there’s that.

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Good Grief, Charlie Brown

There’s a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald that resonates with my eating disorder. I hadn’t read it until just the other night.

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

Looking at this now, I can see all of these steps of my eating disorder unfolding. I can see myself ‘taking the drink’ and researching how to more fit, how to lose weight, how to eat healthy and slowly becoming more involved in what I thought was a “healthy lifestyle”. Then, I can see how the ‘drink’ took its own drink when I began to see some positive results and when I felt like I was succeeding in my goals of looking thinner. I was losing myself in the eating disorder and losing the ability to stop the madness and breathe. Finally, I can see took me. I see the hell it did to me and the hell it still does now. It over takes and consumes your entire being and suddenly, ‘the drink’ has convinced you it can’t live without you. What a strange and almost vicious image. Suddenly, working out and trying to be healthy in college was no longer a hobby, it was something that was on its way to controlling my life.

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.

Image: http://www.quotehd.com/quotes/f-scott-fitzgerald-author-quote-first-you-take-a-drink-then-the-drink-takes-a-drink

So about this Bible study……it’s some pretty good/thought provoking stuff. I’m also not real sure if I’m constantly supposed to relate this study with my eating disorder, but I do, so hope that’s all right.

Anyways, Priscilla Shirer’s series is all about boundaries and how they are our “breathing room”. So, I’m constantly evaluating my own boundaries and the ones God has in place for me. I’m constantly looking at how I’m probably going over God’s wishes when I’m pretty much, probably basically ignoring His boundaries with food and working out. Whoops……..

One of the very first things she said during this segment was about how the Israelites didn’t know how to “rest” one day. Nobody had ever told them that they should rest on one day and have that be the Lord’s day, so it freaked them out. Majorly. Israelites had a strict work routine and a set way they had to do things, basically as she went on to explain they worked themselves constantly and worked hard at their jobs. After she said that, it got me thinking (I was still paying attention to her. I didn’t fully go off on a tangent.) It got me thinking that Ed makes me a freakin’ Israelite!!! Constantly working, constantly busy and always trying to keep to a strict schedule and way of life! What?! How is it that God always knows what you need to hear? After all this time I still find that so odd.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf - October 2015 LDS General Conference #lds #ldsconf #quotes (Picture from lds.org):

Image: http://www.kathyhmcbride.com/#!fulness%20of%20times/zoom/cm8a/dataItem-ig9merj3

Anywho, this week in the study we are supposed to focus on coming to a full stop. We are talking about the Sabbath and how that means we need to take a day of rest. Resting/relaxing is so frowned upon these days that we feel guilty anytime we even think about engaging in it. This week we are focusing on what makes it hard for us to come to a complete stop and relax. Well, for me, it’s almost obviously my e.d. Having an obsession what my food/my workouts/my overall size and appearance makes it hard for my brain to just let me stop those actions. My brain is constantly trying to figure out new ways to keep myself “fit”. I can’t ‘just say no’ to these thoughts and actions! I need a freakin’ drug campaign/slogan to be thrown at me constantly. Good grief, Charlie Brown.

Image: http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/2015/10/02/good-grief-charlie-brown-youre-65.html

But God says resting IS GOOD!!!! He wants us to take time to rest. Our “Sabbath” is supposed to be a day to think about Him and rest WITHOUT feeling guilty, ashamed or worrying about doing the relaxing. I apparently feel like my value is somehow tied up in accumulating approval. The approval of others and me, alike. I feel like my value is determined by what stupid size I wear and like people aren’t going to love me if I’m not a size 2 or 4. Believe me, I know that’s ridiculous but I can’t deny that’s how I feel. In the end, I have to learn to somehow be able to say “ENOUGH is ENOUGH!” and that what I’m doing the other 6 days of the week is sufficient enough to keep me in the right place.

Tonight I’m supposed to go out to dinner with some friends. For normal people, this would be fun, for me, it’s painful. Not because I don’t want to see my friends, I do!! But it’s pure agony because I can’t know the nutrition facts of the restaurant, I already feel bad about food from yesterday and eating out is horrific. Good grief, Charlie Brown. I think that I just have to remember to breathe, take things one step at a time and allow myself some breathing room.

Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.:

Image: https://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/live-life-quotes-love-life-quotes-live-life-3846115/take-a-shower-wash-off-day-4232919335

Life’s Anticipation

Today is the final day of student teaching (clinical teacher…whatever). IT’S MY LAST DAY!!! When did this happen?! Am I even old enough to be in college, let alone a teacher!? They are actually going to let me mold impressionable young minds!? Sometimes, I think the state of Texas is crazy. With yesterday being the conclusion of a UIL meet, today being the end of the semester and graduation rapidly approaching, there are all sorts of emotions in the air. Excitement of actually being almost certified, fear of graduation and the future, paired along with excitement of the future because there are so many more beautiful memories, experiences and adventures to come! And of course, I cannot forget the excitement of being able to watch an unlimited amount of Christmas movies/shows because of this new things I’m about to have since finishing school….time!

I’ve come so far since the beginning of the semester. I started out this timid, young, zero experience student teacher who felt like she had no idea how to even step inside a classroom (ALSO: I was Miss McCollum). Now, at the end of this journey I feel like I can walk into the classroom (still nervously) and for the most part have a grasp at what I am supposed to accomplish (and this time, I’ll never be ‘miss’ again, I’ll be Mrs. Powell). Being a “Mrs.” is funny in itself. It’s a strange concept to think about how you permanently are going to live with someone but I can also say that it is literally the best decision you can ever make. It’s amazing to always have someone there with you to talk to, to laugh with, to watch the same TV shows over and over and over, to make them watch Christmas movies with you ;), and finally (this may be the most important) to never judge you for not wanting to make dinner. Maybe it’s just that I’m a newlywed or the spirit of the holidays getting to me, but I’ve just recently realized that there is just so much to be thankful for, appreciate, step back and just be in complete awe of in live. You have to love it. You have to enjoy it while you get the chance. I’m writing this and just thinking about how amazing God is and how thankful I am that he has given me a wonderful family and wonderful close friends that I get to experience life with! He’s allowed me to accomplish my goal of finishing college and it’s been a pretty good ride. He’s allowed me to finally start thinking and working towards recovery, which is a whole new mountain for me to climb, but He is with me!

It’s been a LONG semester filled with joy, anticipation, tiredness and of course, what would college be without STRESS? But I’ve made it through! I can say that I am a graduate, which apparently is a big deal. I get to say that I worked for 3 ½ years to accomplish this goal and I finally get to cross that finish line! Finally, I think what has been one of the best lessons I’ve learned over the course of this semester didn’t come from a school or a book, it’s come from God. I’ve heard it said countless times that “God has a plan for your life” and I took that, understood, and believed. It wasn’t until very recently though that I truly, truly started to believe that and started to watch things unfold the way they are supposed to and NOT how I imagined them. Which is frustrating and I feel like my life is one giant waiting game. But how boring would that be if everything actually went according to how we planned!? There would be no anticipation or excitement in life!! Look forward to the things you have to play the waiting game for in life, sometimes the waiting could be the best part.

(SIDENOTES: I made that one face a lot during the semester.)

Chocolate Pie Attempts and Grateful Hearts

Thanksgiving. A day devoted to being thankful for everything that God has given you. Sometimes I forget to be thankful and then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere something small reminds me and I realize just how incredibly blessed I am.

Free Thanksgiving Scripture Printables

For example, a few weeks ago, it was talking to the students in my classroom. There were talking about lunch and this one boy was saying that he wasn’t going to eat just to see how long he could go without food. I explained that he had to eat in order to live. Then, the entire class tried to correct me and say that another one of the students never eats lunch and that’s how she is so thin. This broke my heart in half!!!! I then explained again that she must eat a little bit or she must be eating at another point in time. It was right then and there that I remembered how thankful I was that my eating disorder hadn’t…well, killed me…and I had the opportunity to try and help those students. I was thankful to be in that room of young minds and get to interact with them and help them learn; even though in that moment I was clearly learning something from them.

Such lovely sayings for Thanksgiving -- click for more quotes! http://thestir.cafemom.com/in_the_news/164469/16_thanksgiving_quotes_about_gratitude

The other day, it was just some random song that came on the radio that reminded me how much I enjoyed the life that God has given me! And today, it was getting the notice that I passed my final teacher certification test that I took on Monday!!!!!!! (And also getting wedding pictures. I would post some, but apparently my internet just straight up sucks!) I was so nervous and worried over it, but it was God’s will that I pass that dang test. He was with me the whole time I took it which enabled me to excel at it.

Thanksgiving Owl SVG cutting file thanksgiving svg cuts cute clip art clipart turkey cut file for scrapbooking

Sometimes, it’s simple things in life that remind you of everything that you have. It makes you just take a moment and soak it all in. Life is wonderful, y’all and I am so blessed with everything and by EVERYONE that is in mine!!!

Now, I’m not really a fan of the whole Thanksgiving holiday/feast thing. Like at all. Me and food, well we go way back, but we aren’t really friends. So I still have quite the aversion to the whole ‘let’s eat/make a whole bunch of food’ thing.  Food brings a whole lot of anxiety and fear that I’m currently trying to cope with. However, I am quite a fan of thinking about everything God has supplied you with and being thankful, spending time with family (even if you get to see them often), spending time with friends, traditions, baking, the love and joy, and anything else you can think of that the holiday entails (….like the start of the Christmas season maybe?)  Today, tomorrow and Friday (I’m also celebrating that day) I’m just really trying to focus on everything in my life that brings joy, happiness and is positive. This holiday does have positive aspects!!! Even if through my eyes it’s mostly all about eating. I’m trying my very hardest to overlook that part and focus on the thankful portion or what I believe is the core of the whole day.

Since I’m already rambling…this year is my first Thanksgiving as a married woman. So, I’m trying out some new recipes as well as making some foods that are new to me, like chocolate pies. I had an attempt at that today (it’s basically the only kind of pie Marty will eat.) I attempted 1…okay 2. The key word there is attempted. Hopefully one of them turns out alright! If not, well I’m sure there will be plenty of turkey left.

Anyway……God has been so good to me, y’all!!!

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Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!  LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These Wildest Dreams

The world isn’t black and white. Recovery isn’t black and white either. Not too long ago, I thought it was only in my wildest dreams. It’s not though! Recovery is about forging a new path in the snow. It’s like the coach I met with me said, “Recovery is like taking a sled and going down a snowy hill. You’ve been going down the same path for SO long that the tracks from the sled are carved so deeply in the snow that making a new path seems absolutely terrifying. But that’s recovery. That’s what we have to do!! The first couple of times, it’s bumpy, you may fall off, there are unexpected twists and turns, but eventually you get to the bottom. Then, you climb back up and do it ALL over again. The more we create and form the new path, the easier it gets.”

North Lake Tahoe

That’s what I’ve been doing for the past 2 weeks, forming a new path in my head and creating new habits. I’ve been trying to let go of fear and learn more about me. Recovery is about a journey to your true self. The actual person you are, your authentic self. The self without the eating disorder. I have goals, wants and needs outside the eating disorder part of me. That part of me doesn’t call all the shots! The part of me that’s constantly scared, fearful of other’s opinions, anxiety ridden, and that walks around so bogged down from fear that I’m tired and can’t be happy sometimes is NOT my authentic self! I have to learn to listen to myself, to listen to my body and what it wants. Without constantly catering to what the eating disorder part of me wants, I can have more time to focus on other things….like finding an actual hobby. This week alone, I read books I wanted to, cleaned, changed our bed set up, and even baked something (that was a slight fiasco). Nevertheless, I did have some time to focus on other things. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard as hell some days. You know that saying, “fall down three times, stand back up four times”? Or whatever it is. Yeah, that’s what I’m living.

One of my favorite quotes

Not every day is easy. Not every day is even fun. Life isn’t happy-go-lucky as soon as you decide to just stop listening to the eating disorder part of you. It’s still there. It’s still real. It still hurts! But, that’s what recovery is about. It’s about saying “hey, eating disorder voice, I hear you, I hear what you’re saying, but I’m not going to deal with/listen to you right now. I’m going to go do….” Eating disorder recovery is about healing and part of that healing is learning about yourself. Which brings me to my next point…it’s about loving, accepting and being proud of yourself.

I'll be fine if they don't:

We live in a world where people preach confidence and then turn right around and criticize you for being confident and proud of yourself. I’m about to tell you that I’m learning to accept myself by saying “I am who I am. If you like me, great and if you don’t like me, that’s great too. But this is me, and I’m going to go on and be myself.’  I’m learning to try to be an actual friend to myself. I’m proud of myself for realizing that I need help. I’m proud of myself for meeting with someone. I’m proud of myself for being about to try and make a new path. I’m proud of myself for almost being through with student teaching (I finished my last evaluation this week.) I’m proud of myself for doing student teaching and somehow managing to get married in the middle! I’m proud of all of the things that my body can somehow manage to, and finally, I’m proud of myself for about to be a college graduate. I’m never actually thought it was okay to be proud of myself, but I had a short conversation with my coach today and she said to write down all of the things I was proud of myself for. She also said it’s great to be proud of yourself! That’s self-acceptance!!!! So, there is it. I’m proud of myself. You should be proud of yourself too.

I know I need help. I have hurt people and never intended to. And that I can't live with cause I hurt the most important person in my life and I have lost her. I can't do this alone. So nervous and scared yet hopefully to be going to pine lodge tomorow. I know it's gonna be tough but so what I need. I surrender cause my way isn't working for me.

In the spirit of the season of thankfulness (considering Thanksgiving is less than a week from today), on my way home I realized that I have so many things to be thankful for. I’m actually happy. I’m so incredibly blessed by everything that surrounds me and that has happened to me in the past couple of months. I’m thankful for my family (the new and old), my friends (especially the ones who have been with me through thick and thin…nudge, nudge), KIDS to teach, music, writing, books, GOD and the opportunities that I have been given in this life BY HIM. I find myself full of gratitude and looking at the world in a positive light rather than negative. Life is beautiful.  Stay Fearless, y’all ❤

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The Cruelest Words Come From Our Own Mouths

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I read that quote and I just realize how incredibly harsh and critical I am on myself. What ever taught me to be so cruel? At times when I’m feeling down, I like to get on Pinterest and look up inspirational quotes or just ones that make me feel good. This afternoon, I’ve been doing that.
#edrecovery #recovery #eatingdisorder:

I know that I’ve been saying over and over again that I’m afraid lately, which is probably annoying. I don’t know a better way to describe it though. There’s not a better word. I’m just afraid to eat foods outside the comfort zone, afraid to eat more than “x” many times a day, and pretty much afraid to gain/lose weight. I’ve sat in bed at night wondering if I was going to die if I didn’t start bringing more of a variety into the comfort zone of eating. I’m just…scared y’all. I’ve got a bunch of anxiety lately and insecurity seems to take over sometimes. I struggle with perfection. I’m such A perfectionist that it’s literally killing me. With student teaching and getting married (6 weeks..AHHHH!!) I find myself wanting to be perfect in every aspect, which totally is impossible!! I find myself though, at a crossroads. I know that it’s okay to eat food. I really do know that, now do I necessarily live like that….no. I can’t bring myself to realize that not being able to see my ribs is a good thing. I can’t bring myself to say that losing weight is bad! There’s been times lately where I have and sadly, I’m proud of myself. (I know I shouldn’t be.) But I’m at this point where I’m proud of how hard I’ve been working at it, subconsciously that is. It’s like I’m proud of the control that I’ve been getting??? Not even sure. Sometimes I find myself not able to breathe or fighting back tears because I’m suddenly so upset about something that I did eat, that I wanted to eat,  I suddenly just feel sad, or in that moment I just feel scared.

THE WORST KIND OF SAD IS NOT BEING ABLE TO EXPLAIN WHY.:

I saw a quote though, that said that my eating disorder (ED), IS NOT my friend. I keep forgetting that my ED IS NOT my friend but an EVIL, UNHEALTHY, UNFORGIVING, HATEFUL, LOUDMOUTH, HORRID, ABUSIVE, UGLY, CRUEL, HARSH, and CRITICAL voice!!! He IS NOT nice, kind, caring, passionate, or loving at all! Which are all qualities of an upstanding friend. I’m perceiving ED as loving me and wanting what’s best for me, but HE DEFINITELY DOESN’T. He wants me to hate myself and strive to be something that I don’t need to be! I forget all of this when I don’t stop myself  and tell myself to really consider what I’m doing. I think I forget that I really don’t have to try so hard. I don’t have to kill myself everyday.

Refuse to give in. The greatest battle is not physical, it is mental. Give it all you've got! #totalbodytransformation #fitness #skinnyms

I know that what I’m doing isn’t good for me. I know that I somehow have to fix it. I really really do know that I need help. I think that I just have forgotten how to actually get help. I think that I haven’t been/felt this low point in such a long time…since I was at UTSA probably, or the very first couple of months at ASU. I just keep holding onto the bright thought that there will be an end of all of this and I am going to be better one day. Somebody just give me a hug….

Days like this I am just happy if I can sit upright, speed certainly doesn't matter!:

Opinions Aren’t Facts

GOD didn't add another day in your life because you needed it, He added it because someone out there needs you.

So I’ve been home pretty much all day. I went to class this morning but I just had a test so finally my spring break has started. I’ve had plenty of time today to just think.  I know I posted this morning, but I’ve been thinking about one topic in particular all day: the walls we put up as people. I have a few walls, in which I will describe, but first, the more important thing is the reason I have these walls or why other people put up walls as well.

My first wall is built to keep people’s opinions from hurting me; this is where Ed plays his iconic role. For a very long time now, I’ve worried about what people say to me and think about me. In a sense, I “created” Ed for that. I “created” him so I wouldn’t have to worry what people said because Ed was my voice of reason. Ed was there at the end of the day to judge and scrutinize my progress. He was there to pinpoint out all of my flaws, when I ate too much and what beauty level I was. I wouldn’t have to worry about what my friends, family, strangers or the world’s opinion of me, I had Ed for that. To shield myself from possible hurtful views of others, I created something almost worse, Ed.

I honestly don't care what anyone says or thinks about me, more people need to not care either and quit trying to fit in be yourself

The second wall is just about me. I built it in order to keep others out. I need to guard my heart because people have a tendency to stomp all over it with their dusty boots. I’ve always been the girl on the outside of everything. I don’t remember a time in middle school where I fit in. My group of friends was always planning and doing things without me. Therefore, I kind of felt insignificant and like I wasn’t worth their time. There’s not really a time in my life where I really remember being someone’s actual best friend. I was always just another friend it felt like. These girls usually had sisters so they were automatically closer, or I really was just another friend. It always felt like I didn’t belong. Then there has been my relationship history. Somehow, I seem to get into something where I give my whole, entire heart and everything I have into a relationship and I have someone who doesn’t always return those same actions. Now, these boys weren’t awful, just maybe a bit neglecting at the time. It almost always seemed though, that I gave it all I had and they really didn’t. I got tired of sitting alone, tired of waiting for the phone to ring, and tired of being forgotten. I suddenly went into rooms and accepted that nobody would probably talk to me. I let it be okay with myself that I went to a movie theater by myself and watched a movie. I learned to have fun with myself. But it was isolating and still a little painful.

I thought I needed these walls. I thought they kept me safe from the outside world. I thought they kept me from being let down. I became too accustomed to loneliness and being left out.

Those weren’t good feelings or good walls. I’m in the process of breaking down the second wall right now. I’ve made a friend while in some of my college classes. We’re similar and we have the same aspirations at school. We’re relate-able to each other and I think this is a really good thing for me. I’m pretty thankful for what God is doing in my life right now.

Granger smith- I am the midnight

Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.