Tag Archives: God

Christmas Time Is Here

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Ah, Andy Williams (he’s apparently the first one to sing it.) Anyways, Christmas time 🙂

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source: http://www.prettydesigns.com/35-christmas-quotes-you-will-love/

I haven’t written in a very, very, very long time. Mainly because I have so much to do these days and I have all these adult responsibilities now. I feel so old…ha. Even when I do get a spare moment, I like to just sit, or clean something, watch TV, of trying to frantically finish this cross stitch chart I’m doing. Tonight though, I attended the Christmas pageant at my church. This is where all the kiddos in the church get up and act out/sing about the birth of Jesus. It’s the sweetest thing! I was sitting there listening to them and watching them and laughing at/enjoying all their little quirks which got me thinking about the students in my classroom that I’m with every single day. I was sitting there trying to soak it all it and I realized that…..this is what life is about. Life is about singing, rejoicing, talking, laughing, playing, and wondering. It’s not supposed to be difficult. You aren’t supposed to spend every minute trying to control and fix every little thing. It’s about freedom and enjoying yourself and life. I was sitting in a pew with all these thoughts swirling around and coming to me and filling my heart. Maybe it’s just the Christmas spirit coming into my heart and filling it to the brim. I’m choosing to think something else though. Maybe this is God stepping into my heart and filling it even more. I found myself listening to the lyrics of Joy To The World and thinking about how much joy I was feeling and how thankful I am about how far I have come since August.

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Halloween

It’s been a long and rough 4ish months. I’m a new, first year teacher and things were TOUGH at the beginning. I found myself in tears so often and thinking I would never get the hang of anything and like I was going to have to find a different career path because this was NOT working. But I stuck it out, I dragged myself through it every day. It was hard. It was so freaking hard. But about a week ago when my students were writing letters to Santa (and telling me seamlessly unending stories about their Elf on a Shelf), I found myself reflecting on how we are almost to the end of the semester and how far I have come and how far the students in my room have come. This isn’t so bad anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like the cliffhanger at the end of a TV show each week. “Tune in next week to find out what happens on Mrs. Powell’s Corral. Will she get all her grading done? Will she be prepped and ready for next week? Will all the parents remember to pick up their children?” It’s been an interesting ride and quite the learning process so far and I can only imagine what the second semester will bring.

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I’ve come quite far in a number of aspects in life.

(Fall Festival Day. Can you see my holiday leggings?! Yes, I did find quite a few Christmas pairs!)

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That’s not to say that Ed hasn’t been here with me the last 4 months. Boy, has he. He’s there every day. But most days he has shut up a little more. He shows up every day at lunch to tell me that what I’m doing is dumb, but I’ve just gotta drown him out really. He’s there most afternoons telling me to go run my little heart out (Christmas videos and shows have been helpful entertainment lately). He’s still present. But I think he may be quieter. It’s been so hard to wrap my mind around how my body looks now. So hard. I don’t even know an expression that is great enough to explain how I feel. I’m trying to focus on the positive aspects of it and learn to accept myself.

Instead of trying to focus on the negative things I’m trying to hard to focus on the good: what’s positive, what brings me joy, what brings others joy, what makes me feel good. Like I said, maybe it’s all the Christmas décor in my house, the Christmas movies on TV, the thought of a break from school and all the Christmas crafts I’d like to do, but I’m trying to think of it as more of a healing process.

There is probably so much more I could say but I’m trying to frantically get these words out on the page before I completely lose what I have been thinking about for the past few hours. I hope you are well and are having a wonderful Christmas or Holiday Season 🙂

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We start reading The Polar Express tomorrow!

 

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Thinking Out Loud 4/28

Thinking Out Loud this week with Amanda over on Running With Spoons 🙂

  1. All last week pretty much was rainy. This week, it’s finally starting to feel like April/beginning of May!! April showers brings May flowers? These warm days now have got me reflecting on life so often. I catch myself staring at God’s beautiful scenery, the greenery He has growing in the fields and the trees that have leaves coming back and the beautiful sunsets He paints. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. So of course, I have to take pictures in it.

2. Ebay is one of THE coolest places, y’all. I hope whoever invented that site is a billionaire at this point. Genius. I can get cool stuff (that others might find dorky) likeeee…. Peanuts miniature keepsake ornaments from Hallmark!

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3. I have this thing lately where I like to save all of the inspirational quotes/body positive things I come across on Facebook. Today I have 3 to share. Leslie Knope gets me every time. Also, the dog food comparison is gold!

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I think all of these came from HerCampus.com

4. Am I the only one who is basically obsessed with decorating for the holidays even when they are nowhere near??? It’s probably just me. I’m odd like that. It’s just so fun! Maybe it stems from this is my first year to be married??? I don’t know. Actually, right now I’m obsessed with finding a wreath for our front door.

5. Do yourself a favor and look up Sheldon the Tiny Dinosaur on Pinterest or on Sheldon the Tiny Dinosaur. This is the cutest thing I’ve seen in a while! I came across him by accident on Pinterest yesterday. He’s a dinosaur that thinks he is a turtle. You can’t not smile when you see these! They have given me life….yeah, I’m such a dork.

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Image Source

6. Lastly, I’ve never in my life been a watch wearing person. However, now that I’m older, I find myself in search of a wrist watch. Sure, my phone is great, but I wear dresses often and they don’t always have pockets to put my phone. Plus, it isn’t always appropriate to be whipping your phone out, especially in a classroom or meeting. I’m on a quest for a watch with a strap. NOT one of the bracelet ones….they pinch me. Ouch!

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Easter Bunny Thoughts

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Image: http://vividscreen.info/pic/cute-white-bunny-painting/20150/for-1920×1200

Does Easter make anyone else feel..well, weird? Sad-like? No? Just me? I thought so. I don’t know why but Easter has always given me this gloomy feeling, even when I was a child. I know that even if you aren’t religious like I am that it shouldn’t be a holiday that makes you feel “sad”. If you are religious, then it’s a day you should celebrate Christ rising from the grave and saving you from enduring a life of pain and suffering. Which is just even think about if you step back and let that soak in. If you aren’t, it’s still a happy day, you think about this adorable white bunny (the Easter bunny I picture in my head is white. Yours might be brown or spotted or something. Lol) that comes and brings you eggs and best of all…..CHOCOLATE!!

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Image: https://sqonline.ucsd.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/chocolate-easter-bunny.jpg

I don’t know, maybe I’m just a weirdo. I was thinking about all of this last night while I was helping out with the children at church last night while the entire story of Easter was being read to them. As I was driving home it was still daylight and the sun was setting. It seems like I’m never going to get used to this whole spring forward nonsense, but yesterday it was a blessing because I got to see this:

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The sun was setting and the clouds were just right to create the ray of light streaming. It was beautiful. The fact that I had just listened to the Easter story and was thinking about the whole concept of Easter made me feel like God was really speaking to my heart through the sunset. It was actually very comforting.

Also yesterday I did some fun shopping 🙂 I’m very proud of my Hobby Lobby purchase for the kitchen. We have a whole bunch of empty space above our cabinets and on one side I put these old Peanuts glasses that my mom had but the other side was awkwardly empty. I’d been wanting something that sort of represented us but still fit with the theme of our kitchen. I was really sad because these super cute old timey food/diner type things just wouldn’t work —> Seriously, how cute is that burger boy?!?!?!

But it turns out I was even more successful!!! I found this sheep!! Considering my husband works most of the time with sheep and sheep seem to always be in my front yard, this was just perfect. I just felt like I couldn’t have picked anything better.

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With Easter coming up I’m having some anxiety over Easter dinners and not working out. I’m probably over compensating in areas that I shouldn’t be but I can’t really help it right now. I know that I’m almost certain to miss a workout day and that’s just kind of driving me up the wall. I’m trying to be okay with it because I really know that you actually don’t have to workout 7 days a week and that is it perfectly fine to take a rest day!! I just don’t normally do that so I’m freaking out a bit. I’m trying really hard to be at ease with it but for me that is way easier said than done. I know that God will be there with me this Easter holiday weekend though, through all the dinners (I think I have my side of the family convinced to eat Easter pizza) and hopefully a little bit of chocolate that comes my way 😉

Link Love 3/20

Fun Stuff-

21 Disney Prince Facts You Never Knew as a Kid– Hilary White via Popsugar

How To Dress ‘Cute Sexy’ Like Taylor Swift– Sheena Sharma via Elite Daily

I love Taylor Swift and her style is pretty cute. I will NOT be wearing crop tops anytime soon, but the ‘sexy teacher’ outfit suggestion cracked me up!

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Image: http://elitedaily.com/women/taylor-swift-style/1418001/

Royal Reckoning: Modern Moms Say Strong Girls Love Princesses Too– Allison Slater Tate via today.com

I loved this because I really strongly dislike all the hate Disney princesses get because they want to have a prince, fall in love, or wait for a man.

TV Shows/Entertainment-

19 Recipes For the ‘Gilmore Girls’ Fanatic – Emma Karpinski via HerCampus

Because I’m totally in love with Gilmore Girls and my husband relentless makes fun of me for it.

Seriously, FICA, seriously?The struggle has been real. Thanks to Buzzfeed for coming up with 23 times Rachel Green summarized your twenties.

23 Happy “Grey’s Anatomy” Moments That Prove It’s Not All Bad– Zakiya Jamal via Buzzfeed.

Because I am seriously beginning to doubt.

Health/Body Positive-

An Open Letter to the Body I Destroyed through Anorexia – Anonymous Author via HerCampus

This is probably going to be a difficult read. It was for me because it resonates with me so deeply and I can pretty much check mark most of the things off my list that this author writes about. It just made me ache a little.

Emma Watson Opens Up About Her Struggles With Low Self Esteem– Sarah Lindig via Harper’s Bazaar

As if you didn’t love her already.

 

God Thinks You’re Beautiful– Sheila Walsh via Proverbs 31 Ministries

This was kind of a lengthy article, but it was good for the most part.

Good Things Friday

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http://www.runningwithspoons.com/2016/02/25/thinking-out-loud-171/

I know that Thursdays are for thinking out loud…..but I’m kind of going to do that now. There has just been some random high points in my life that I think have been fun and I want to share 🙂

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Life Update #1: I finished my 2nd cross stitch pattern in the set!! Go me! Now I have a fox and a bunny 🙂 2 down, 2 more to go. I’m almost sad because that means it will be over 😦

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Life Update #2: I got my vote on. I even used the electronic ballot this time. Early voting is the way to go. I kind of look like a hot mess with my crazy hair and no makeup..lol.

Life Update #3: Y’all. I. Drank. Some. Chocolate. Milk. I’m not a huge milk person, so this is already a big deal. However, it’s kind of an even bigger deal because I was “drinking” some of my calories, milk is kind of on my fear food list, and this drink/food kind of had some fat in it. Wham, bam! All sorts of scary/exciting things happening there. BUT I LOVEEEEE chocolate. Seriously love. And it turns out it was pretty good. How’s that for eating disorder awareness week?!

Life Update #4: On the same day I drank my milk I think God was sending me a sign. I was substituting that day at a school and I had to go out with the 3rd graders at lunch for recess. This sweet boy brought me over this cross with flowers!!! How adorable is that?! I think that was God speaking to me saying, “Hey, girl, you CAN in fact drink the chocolate milk and live life to the fullest!”

No, Satan, I Don’t Want Your Hot Dogs and S’mores!

I apologize WAY in advance for this…..this is pretty much raw thoughts of a person who had to get up out of bed to write this because I couldn’t go to sleep. There’s almost no organization to this.

This is stupid. Recovery is stupid. Ed is stupid. Satan is stupid. Hell, I’m stupid. All of this…..is stupid. What a harsh word that is. I’m not even sure it has meaning anymore after writing it down that many times.

Unplanned meals. Unknown calories resources. Hold up…..actual food. Why doesn’t any of it make me feel okay? Why doesn’t any of it make me feel like I’m doing the “right” thing? It all freaking sucks. I don’t care what you say. It sucks. All of it just isn’t fun. It makes my life not fun. It’s all a whole lot of work and time and effort.

I literally had to get up out of my bed tonight because this was bothering me so much. I went to a movie and dinner tonight with my husband and my brain is just on overload. Then again, that could happen when nobody wants to discuss it…….then again, who wants to discuss how I hate myself for the millionth time??? Nobody, that’s who. I don’t think that it matters what I ate, I think I’d still feel bad and hate myself for it. There is literally no way around it….I hate myself. Don’t ask me why. Don’t even feel bad for me. On my way home tonight I was thinking about this and the Bible study I started with church this week. It’s called ‘Breathe’ by Priscilla Shirer and this week we talked about how God sets boundaries and how boundaries are actually beneficial to us. (Literally, God must have been there that evening for me. Because originally the plan that night was for everyone to go around the room and introduce themselves and then say something about themselves that not everyone else in the room would know about them. What the heck was mine going to be? Hi, many of you don’t know that I’m trying to recover from an eating disorder??? Nope!)

Anyways, I was just thinking about love and how my parents can love me, my brother can love me, my husband can love me, my friends and the rest of my family can and God can. And on the flip side, I can love all of them, I can love yogurt, I can love owls, I can love teaching, I can love God, I can even love my dogs, but I can’t love me. Why?! What is so wrong with me that I don’t think that I deserve love? Because I ate some damn rice?! Is that why? That’s stupid. But that’s the gosh darn freaking truth. I think that because I don’t always eat foods that are safe zone that I don’t have anything to offer the world or other people. In my head I believe that I’m a piece of dirt at that point that has no value because I ate some food that gets chewed. That’s……excruciatingly painful. I wish I could think of a better word for that feeling.

We ate at Rosa’s Cafe last night. I order the chicken tacos WITHOUT cheese. Then, I picked the chicken OUT of the tortillas and ate it. AND I still feel bad about that. As I have probably said before, I think I could’ve eaten yogurt for dinner last night and STILL felt guilty about that.

We live a little over an hour away from where we saw the movie, and I don’t think I’ve taken a breath since then. My mind has been going over and thinking about ways that I can get rid of this. I could just throw it up. I could run 3.5-3.75 miles. I could just not eat food tomorrow. I could “run” 2 hours on an elliptical. BUT literally NONE of that would make me feel any better about myself. NOTHING would get rid of the physically awful and emotional pain that rips throughout my entire body and head. Imagine digging long sharpish fingernails into your arm (or somewhere) and just holding them there. Can you imagine that? Well, that’s what I feel like doing with mine. Actually, that’s what I feel like is happening and my fingers are literally typing right now. It feels like someone has taken my fingers and just plunged them deep into my skin causing me this heartbreaking pain. My heart feels literally broken, y’all. It’s a treacherous slope.

(Side note: I’m listening to Julie Andrews sing ‘My Favorite Things’ from The Sound of Music to try and cheer myself up before bed. Feel free to laugh with me about that.)

The Sound of Music - Movie Musical Poster Print  13x19 - Vintage Movie Poster - Julie Andrews - Rodgers and Hammerstein on Etsy, $19.50

IMAGE: https://www.etsy.com/listing/125297296/the-sound-of-music-movie-musical-poster

But all of these bad and negative thoughts and feeling aren’t from God. This isn’t what He wants for me (well, I sure hope it isn’t). He wants me to be happy and free; well, free within the boundaries He has given me. It’s Satan that plants these horrible, horrible seeds and nurtures them so they can grow. When I was at this Bible study the other night I thought of something about him and what he’s doing in my mind.

“Sometimes Satan just isn’t out in the world tempting you with things or experiences. Sometimes, Satan lives inside your head. He’s got a permanent campground….he’s in there roasting hot dogs, eating his s’mores planning and plotting how to keep me busy or find something he can nit-pick at.”

But GET OUT of here Satan!!! I didn’t invite you to Camp KP!! I didn’t invite you to make up a negativity committee. Just get out! I don’t want to partake in your hot dogs (Devil Dogs lol), s’mores and camp food! Because it sucks and it’s not good for me! That’s not positive Godly nourishment….that’s you disguised at things I enjoy. My head isn’t your playground! It’s not the place for you to come in and torture me. My head should be a place I feel slightly safe and closer to Jesus, but instead it’s running rampant with Negative Nancy thoughts and maybe even Pessimist Polly outlooks on life. I have to learn how to battle Satan with God’s help. I have to learn to like and love myself with God’s help. Without God can I even learn those things? Probably not. I’m at this point where I know that I have to turn to a higher power than myself. I can’t handle this all on my own. I can’t make this issue disappear….only God can help me over that mountain.

Paper Sparrow: The Sound of Music: The Hills are Alive

IMAGE: http://www.papersparrowblog.com/

Foggy Mornings & Brothers

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That picture was oddly comforting/pretty this morning as I drove to Sonora to watch Keegan show his sheep ( Linus and Sally. I may have a Peanuts obsession. They are just SO CUTE!!!) It was super, super foggy this morning and the sun had just risen in the sky. It just made this very pretty bright yellow ball in the sky that attempted to shine through the fog. It was pretty! It reminded me of how there is still hope in the day and new days!! That God is still there and He still has a hand in His beautiful world.

Today I also was a sub in 1st grade 🙂 They are pretty darn cute, however I forgot how hyper and how much work they can be! Although, that may not be an accurate depiction of how they always are because I just happened to be the sub on the afternoon where the kids can get a soda if they didn’t get any marks in their folder that 6 weeks. Of course there would be a sub that day. Maybe she did it on purpose 😉 TOTALLY KIDDING!! But it was good to get to seem them again and get to enjoy teaching again because towards the end of student teaching I felt like the life was just plain sucked out of me!

This picture may seem random to you, but it’s really not! This is a picture of my eating disorder ring. It has anchors because in the bible there is a verse, Hebrews 6:19—–>

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. “NIV

For me, anchors symbolize hope. I have hope that there is and will be an end to this pain that this eating disorder gives me. I even have “Stay fearless” inscribed on the inside of the band. Therefore, I wear this ring pretty much every day. It’s on my right index finger because I don’t wanna wear it on my ring finger and my wedding rings are on my left hand and I don’t like clutter.

Today I made a quick trip to the grocery store after school to get something so I could bake these banana muffins. It was literally the fastest trip. I went it and out with the same on still on the radio. I was almost all the way home when I realized that my ring was NO LONGER on my fingers!! I immediately felt extremely sad. I’ve had this ring for as long as I can remember now. I texted my Mom to tell her I had somehow lost my ring. Thankfully, she and Keegan were about to go through town and said they would look just to make sure. I basically had zero hope. Which is pretty ironic seeing as anchors symbolize hope to me…..hmmm.

Anyways!!!! Keegan ended up finding my ring right where I had told them I was parked!!! I was immediately so excited and relieved and my mood was lifted. Love that baby brother of mine (who turns 16 on Monday?!?! What is life?!)

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Side note: He did very well at showing today. And the bottom picture is him from my wedding.

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Find Your Bliss

Life is beautiful. There, I said it. It is. Even if you are in the worst mood no matter where you look, if you try hard enough you can find something that’s beautiful. You just have to be willing to try. The same can be said for fear. Life has fear, it just does. However, I’ve heard it said that the flip side of fear is excitement. So, as individuals, we have to be willing to harness our fear and see the excitement in it. We have to take control of whatever we are afraid of and use it for something positive! I’m preaching to myself here, as usual.

Five free printables available for download. They are totally free and feature several Bible verses and inspirational quotes. #freeprintable

Today I graduated from college. That brings on a whole flood of emotions. I worked attentively, purposely, duteously, and with much perseverance to be able to complete college in 3 ½ years. It’s been a long road, especially battling an eating disorder the whole way. Graduating bring fear and anxiety itself. It’s new and unknown and means that you are about to be thrust into the world and thrown into a new job or something unfamiliar and uncomfortable. You can choose to see that as fear and think that you have no earthly idea what you are doing! OR you can choose to see this next step as an adventure and as a brand new sparkling chapter in your book. It’s new, unmarked, and blemish free. You can make it anything you want! It’s a clean slate that can carry you to any place you want to go. You have to remember that God clearly led you to that position you are in and He wouldn’t have done that if He didn’t have faith in you and want you to succeed. God doesn’t want us to fail!! That anxiety and fear that we feel…well, it’s evil! No good, negative, throw it in the trash can evil! It can steal joy from happy moments and make you feel like you aren’t good enough. We have to continuously choose joy and happiness. We can’t let the fear creep up on us and steal the new adventure we are about to embark on.

“I want to be a woman who overcomes obstacles by tackling them in faith instead of tiptoeing around them in fear.” -Renee Swope

For me, I’m graduating in December and then I’ll start a new job in January teaching English to high school students. I’ve got some limited experience in that department, therefore I have so much fear, anxiety and major nerves building up. I’ve noticed lately that because of those 3 elements combining, that I’m trying to compensate for that in other departments (and by that, I do in fact mean the food/exercise department).  Because I can’t control the unknown, I’m trying to figure out ways to control what I can, which is food. I don’t wanna do that! I don’t want to go back to being miserable in a little corner. What a wonderful and joyous time of year this is!! I want to listen to Christmas music, watch cute animated Christmas films, shop, think of ways to decorate classrooms, and eat some Christmas treats! I don’t want to try and figure out ways to count calories or how to get rid of them. I want to choose joy, love and happiness and I’m going to try my very hardest! I want to celebrate life not hate it!!

Life is constantly calling us to make decisions, hard and simple. Today I had to choose to enjoy graduation and being with people I love the most. Sometimes, you have to search for the positive and joyous and block out the fear and others the bliss simply just appears.

Life’s Anticipation

Today is the final day of student teaching (clinical teacher…whatever). IT’S MY LAST DAY!!! When did this happen?! Am I even old enough to be in college, let alone a teacher!? They are actually going to let me mold impressionable young minds!? Sometimes, I think the state of Texas is crazy. With yesterday being the conclusion of a UIL meet, today being the end of the semester and graduation rapidly approaching, there are all sorts of emotions in the air. Excitement of actually being almost certified, fear of graduation and the future, paired along with excitement of the future because there are so many more beautiful memories, experiences and adventures to come! And of course, I cannot forget the excitement of being able to watch an unlimited amount of Christmas movies/shows because of this new things I’m about to have since finishing school….time!

I’ve come so far since the beginning of the semester. I started out this timid, young, zero experience student teacher who felt like she had no idea how to even step inside a classroom (ALSO: I was Miss McCollum). Now, at the end of this journey I feel like I can walk into the classroom (still nervously) and for the most part have a grasp at what I am supposed to accomplish (and this time, I’ll never be ‘miss’ again, I’ll be Mrs. Powell). Being a “Mrs.” is funny in itself. It’s a strange concept to think about how you permanently are going to live with someone but I can also say that it is literally the best decision you can ever make. It’s amazing to always have someone there with you to talk to, to laugh with, to watch the same TV shows over and over and over, to make them watch Christmas movies with you ;), and finally (this may be the most important) to never judge you for not wanting to make dinner. Maybe it’s just that I’m a newlywed or the spirit of the holidays getting to me, but I’ve just recently realized that there is just so much to be thankful for, appreciate, step back and just be in complete awe of in live. You have to love it. You have to enjoy it while you get the chance. I’m writing this and just thinking about how amazing God is and how thankful I am that he has given me a wonderful family and wonderful close friends that I get to experience life with! He’s allowed me to accomplish my goal of finishing college and it’s been a pretty good ride. He’s allowed me to finally start thinking and working towards recovery, which is a whole new mountain for me to climb, but He is with me!

It’s been a LONG semester filled with joy, anticipation, tiredness and of course, what would college be without STRESS? But I’ve made it through! I can say that I am a graduate, which apparently is a big deal. I get to say that I worked for 3 ½ years to accomplish this goal and I finally get to cross that finish line! Finally, I think what has been one of the best lessons I’ve learned over the course of this semester didn’t come from a school or a book, it’s come from God. I’ve heard it said countless times that “God has a plan for your life” and I took that, understood, and believed. It wasn’t until very recently though that I truly, truly started to believe that and started to watch things unfold the way they are supposed to and NOT how I imagined them. Which is frustrating and I feel like my life is one giant waiting game. But how boring would that be if everything actually went according to how we planned!? There would be no anticipation or excitement in life!! Look forward to the things you have to play the waiting game for in life, sometimes the waiting could be the best part.

(SIDENOTES: I made that one face a lot during the semester.)

The 5 of Us vs. The Battle

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Sounds easy, right? Well, for me admitting I had a problem was simple. Actually referring to the problem by it’s correct name and wanting help for it, well that’s another story. A story that actually plays out for a number of years. Yesterday, September 11, 2015 was the day that a step was taken. The word was thought, typed and finally spoken. I was ready to admit it. So, here it goes……I, Kairos Brynn McCollum, have Anorexia. (I’ve now starred at this screen for 5 minutes without typing). That’s it y’all. That’s all I’ve got. It took me a while to be even able to think this word. Then….I had to admit to myself that that’s what was actually going on with me. Then, I had to type it out and send it to my Mom…and then Marty. Two of THE most important people in my life, I had to tell me. I had to say the word to them and make it real and not just some figment of my imagination.

Anorexia kills people y’all. It’s really scary. It’s a really terrifying moment when you realize something is eating you alive. Day by day, piece by piece it eats and chips away at you.

Perfectionism kills people y’all. I have this stupid, stupid need to have everything be perfect. But guess what, life isn’t perfect! I know that! But for some reason I still continue to strive for something that is literally impossible. What’s up with that?

Anxiety kills people y’all. My life is one giant anxiety ball. Every little thing can set it off. It’s been my whole life, not on purpose, but it has.  I’m so ritualistic that I can’t have one thing be off during the day. I eat the same foods I need to. I do the exact same thing everyday-wake up, get dressed, eat the same breakfast, go to school, WORKOUT, eat some safe food for dinner, then, if there is time for anything else do it, and finally sleep. Anxiety is scary.

I’ve been to therapy before, my first year at ASU, at that point, I had only admitted that I had an eating disorder. I had an “ED”. I didn’t have…..anorexia. It wasn’t really real until the other day. So, here I am, typing it out, boldly attaching myself to this hideous, ugly, downright vulgar word. Think about it, what an ugly word that is!!!

Recovery

So, you may be wondering, ‘How did I get to the point where I decided to admit this? What made me come to this sudden realization?’ Well, for student teaching, we have to record ourselves for 2 minutes teaching a lesson. As I watched myself teaching, I saw how truly thin I was…and how that wasn’t healthy. I knew I’d been doing some things differently lately but I didn’t realize they were actually making me thinner. I didn’t realize that I was thinner in the mirror than I was in my head. I think getting married has just escalated things, well the dress I mean. (Not that I think getting married is bad at all. I’m so so excited to marry the love of my life. I can’t wait for it to get here.) I think I’ve just been stressed. So, here I am, saying that I’m gonna have to get help. I’m gonna have to do some things differently. Am I ready to do that before I get married in 34ish days? I’m not sure. Am I going to be ready on October 18th? Yes. Am I ready to feel better? Yes! Am I ready to not hate myself? Definitely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to love myself.

So, how did I get here? How did this happen to me? Sometimes I wonder if I did something to make myself deserve this? Do I deserve to physically and mentally be in pain over eating a peanut butter sandwich or a hamburger? Or heck, even bread? I used to be mad at God, but now, I think I’m just a little upset sometimes with Him but I don’t think I’m angry anymore. I realize that I need to be able to turn to Him for prayer and comfort and that He DIDN’T do this to me.

"The Lord heals the brokenhearted, binds up their wounds, numbers all the stars, calls each of them by name.":

I used to think it was just me against the world. But after talking, I’ve realized it’s really not. It’s not Kairos v. Eating Disorder v. Anorexia v. the world. It’s Kairos (well, plus God) and Dad, Mom, Keegan and Marty against all those evil things.

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I’m really scared, totally terrified and completely petrified. I don’t like change. Even just saying the word right now literally means that nothing is the same. My entire mind and body changes. But for now, step 1 is saying the word. I did that. That’s pretty much all I can give right now. I’ll get to step 2, it’s just going to take a little bit. It took years to get to step 1, but it’s a positive step no matter how much time it took. I’ve never been more scared, but I know that there are at least 4 truly wonderful people who are more than willing to hold my hand through this.