Tag Archives: help

Battlefield

Stillbirth, stillborn, pregnancy loss, infant loss, misscarriageHave you ever wonder what it would be like to be inside someone else’s mind? To know all their thoughts, the way they process things, the way they feel about others, but most importantly, how they think and speak to themselves? Okay, maybe that last part is just me. I wonder that all the time. How do others speak and perceive themselves? Do they constantly beat themselves up? Continuously tell themselves they aren’t good enough? Do they even feel bad about anything to eat? I don’t have all the answers to any of those questions, I only know what I think and what my own personal experience is.

Today, I wanted to eat Rosa’s for lunch, so I did. When I walked into that restaurant, I told myself that I wasn’t going to feel bad about what I was eating and for three whole minutes, I believed myself.  But as soon as I held that to go bag in my hand, I knew that everything I had just tried to prepare myself for was about to happen.  I was about to eat my lunch, and literally, as I was in the process of eating it, I was going to feel bad about it. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to fix that feeling that I have right now. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do at this moment that are going to take this pain and heaviness I’m feeling on my heart right now and make it go away. I guess I can try, but I don’t even know where to begin, which is the problem I come to the majority of the time.

Glee | Quote

There’s some days, where I can handle anything that this ed wants to throw at me, and then there’s others, where I eat a cracker or drink some water and I just want to die because I blew my whole entire eating plan. Don’t ask me  how I have either of these days, because if I knew I’m completely eliminate one from my life. But that’s not how it is. That’s not how it is for my life. I live in  world where beauty and looks are what everyone values. However, I was reading the Bible the other day, and I know this verse to be true already, but 1 Peter 3:3-4 says that it’s not your outward appearance that should validate you and make you who you are as a person, but the person that you are on the inside who should define who you are.

Scripture Art Bible Verse Art Faith Based Art 1 by faithforward, $39.00

Glee

Make You Notice

This stands true for me since i've shut down from people, i feel more confident without their negative vibes bringing me down. I was tired of being excluded, and looked down on all while being friendly, polite, & supportive. I'm much more confident now. Self respect has taken away the insecurities. I'm also getting a very sharp intuition as i get older that i listen very closely to.

Yes, confidence is completely silent and it’s true that the opposite of that, insecurity, is extremely loud. They scream in your head, over and over again, telling you that you’re simply not good enough. For me, they are they quite often. Most of the time, I’m pretty good at keeping them under control or quieter, but there’s just some days that I tend to need more reassurance from another person. Well, one person in particular. I know, I know, you don’t need another person to validate your existence. Yeah, yeah. Sure you don’t. Of course you don’t. You can be happy all on your own and give yourself your own meaning, purpose and fulfill your own confidence. This is just my personal opinion, but I think that you’re lying to yourself if you say that you never ever need reassurance from another person. I think that everyone does no matter who you are. Every once and a while, you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to doubt your talents, your purpose, what you look like and the path you have chosen for yourself. Every once and a while, you need someone to tell you that you’re just fine how you are and they love you just the same. For me, every once and a while, I need someone to tell me they think I look pretty in this outfit I’m wearing.

Imperfection By Skillet

Maybe I’m not in a normal situation. I’m going through this whole recovery journey, and it’s really hard for me. I feel guilty, I feel normal, I feel great, I feel sad, I feel happy, and then the whole thing starts back over again. It’s an emotional roller coaster that I’m trying to very hard to get off of. And I think that because I’m on this journey, that I need more reassurance that some people. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I’m ridiculous for wanting someone to tell me that I’m doing everything just fine.

Don’t get me wrong, I know who I am as a person. It took me a really long time to get to this point, but I know who I am now. That was a very long process. I know what I want to do with my life. I don’t need anyone to validate me on either of these things. But is it really so wrong to want to be told that no matter how my body changes and no matter what I look as long as I am still me that you’re still going to love me? I don’t think its unreasonable.

Damn right.... Something I need to yell out often. To remind myself I am a good person and i do deserve the best

I’m not going to apologize for having insecurities however. Now, I know that might seem wrong, but I’m not. These insecurities are a part of me and help mold me into the person I am.

This is who I am. I have insecurities. I need you to say I’m okay. I need a little reassurance every now and again. I know that’s a hard concept for some people to understand, but with me, trying to get better, I think that it helps sometimes.

Bring Me Black Roses

“You can throw your words,
sharper than a knife…”

Those are the words in the first verse of “Black Roses” by Scarlett O’Conner, or Clare Bowen of ABC’s Nashville. While on the show she writes the song about her terrible relationship with her mother, I-of course- relate the song to none other than my ed.

“Now you only bring me black roses,
and they crumble into dust when they’re held
Now you only bring me black roses,
under your spell…”

The first time I heard this song in it’s full entirety, tears welled up in my eyes and I had to try my hardest not to cry. I happened to be in a room with a bunch of people and I do enough crying so I really didn’t need them to see me cry more than I already do. But I felt this way, because I finally got to hear someone else struggle with something so deep and so dark that they can actually make me feel the same pain that they feel; which happens to be the same pain I feel because of my eating disorder. I’m under Ed’s spell. I really, truly am. I have to learn how to break free.

“Now you only bring me black roses,
and they crumble into dust when they’re held
Now you only bring me black roses,
under your spell…”

When I’m belting this song out at the top of my lungs in my car I literally feel like I’m screaming and yelling at Ed for what he has done to me and how he has made me feel. I’m telling Ed that he’s not good for me, that he clouds my eyes with lies, and that he fills my head with ugly pictures of myself. He’s an awful, terrible, horrible,  person. Who does that to another person?! Who crawls into someone’s personal thoughts and repeatedly says ‘you’re not good enough’, ‘you’re wrong’, or ‘you’re never going to be pretty’? Ed does, that’s who.

“And I’m done trying to be the one picking up the broken pieces, and I’m done trying to be the one who says I love you dear but I’m leaving…”

I’m done. 

I’m done picking up the pieces of myself. Over and Over and Over and Over again. 

Because I literally cannot do this to myself anymore. I can’t feel back anymore. It’s painful. It takes from my joy. It physically pains my heart. Don’t I deserve to be happy? I think I do. And that’s all that truly matters doesn’t it?

“Now you only bring me black roses but I’m not under your spell
I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell…”

In Her Simple Little Way

A Thing About You - Hunter Hayes

I go through a lot of these emotions throughout the week. Many times they range from self loathing, self love and then finally a tiny smidgen of self acceptance. Sometimes in the middle of the day, I find myself saying, ‘don’t worry about what other people think you look like. You have to accept yourself.’ Blah, blah, blah. Sure those  words are good, pure and they pave a road filled with wonderful intentions, but do I really, fully, truly believe that???

I know that I talk about embracing yourself and all your imperfections, but the truth is, currently that’s my journey and what I’m currently trying to tackle. I’m trying to be a girl..err woman (I am 20 after all)..that doesn’t require validation from anyone whether it be men, friends, instragram or any person other than me. That’s an extremely difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around. For most people, I believe that its completely normal for people want to be told that they look nice. But for me, I’m trying to shy away from that. Because I have this horrendous crippling eating disorder, I’m trying to do this whole self acceptance angle.  I’m trying my very, very best.

I just want to prove Ed wrong. That’s all. I want him to be gone, once and for all.

Proved You Wrong- Cassadee Pope

We just need to be………..

Miranda Lambert lyrics

Red High Heels

So, I haven’t written lately but I think that’s because I’ve felt pretty good lately. That could be a product of a couple different things. I think I’ve gotten my medicine under control and to the right dose that actually helps me and doesn’t have me all messed up somehow. I’ve got a best friend and the best boyfriend I could ever ask for and a puppy that’s absolutely adorable and who has totally stolen my heart.  For now, and for the first time in a while, I think that things are going really well for me.

Anyways, I’ve been listening to Kellie Pickler tonight and I’ve heard her songs before and I’ve liked her but I never listened to all of her songs. I came across her, Don’t You Know You’re Beautiful song. That’s a really difficult for me to accept, as well as many other girls in the world. There’s just always a constant feeling of you’re not good enough. But as I listen to that song, I continually think, “hey, you know what, you’re totally right Kellie Pickler, I’m beautiful. I don’t need to change that. I’m fine that way I am.”

Really, the moral of the story here, is that, it someone doesn’t accept you or like you for exactly who you are, screw them. Okay, okay, I know there’s a more polite way to word that and that’s awfully blunt, but in the end, that’s exactly what it comes down to.  If you let someone into your life and all they want to do is change you, that’s absolutely ridiculous! I’ve heard it said before that before someone can love you, you have to love yourself. I agree with that but only to a point. I think that before someone can love you, you have to merely accept yourself first. To  truly allow yourself to be loved to your full potential and allow yourself to fully love someone else, you have to accept yourself as you all, with all your flaws, strengths, fears and triumphs. You have to begin to understand that even as screwed up as you think you are, someone else can think you’re perfect and that you hung the moon. It’s all about perception. 

You’re Gonna Hear Me Follow My Arrow

So, today’s Father’s Day, so in my family on holidays it’s kinda the norm to eat cake. Which really, I’m not arguing with. I’m pretty fond of that tradition, and I’d like to keep it that way. I mean, who doesn’t like cake?! However….that’s really turns into quite an issue for me. Like…I just digested a bunch of cake and I’m trying to deal with that in the best way possible. (When I say best way, I mean in the not going in throwing up my food.)

Anyways, while I’ve been sitting here and dealing with this overwhelming feeling of guilt, I’ve been watching the CMT Crossroads of Kacey Musgraves and Katy Perry. I happen to be embarking on a bit of a love affair with Kacey Musgraves and her music; poor Taylor Swift seriously.  But, as they were singing Roar, it reminded me of myself and Ed.

“You held me down, but I got up, already brushing off the dust.”

Roar. oddly i love the note arrangement in this song.

Ed holds you-I mean me- down. That’s all he does, that’s his sole purpose in life. That’s it. His purpose is to live inside my head and tell me I’m a piece of dirt. But I have to try- and I use try loosely- to make myself realize that. I have to try to remember that people for love me for me (it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Ha ha.) But I have to remember that I’m just Kairos, and if people like me, they are gonna have to take all of me, as is, damage and all, a gain of 5 pounds and all, a loss of 5 pounds and all, no makeup and messy hair and all. 

And soooooo……….

“I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire, ’cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar.”

Roar Katy Perry song quote

 

Show You Off

I think that I have stumbled upon my new favorite person. Miss Indiana 2014: Mekayla Diehl. Mekayla is a 25 year old who recently competed in the Miss USA pageant. Even though she didn’t win the crown, she’s a winner in my heart.

Normally, when you watch beauty pagents, the women are up there in their bathing suits and are usually super slim, have skinnier legs, sometimes have much muscle tone but more often times than not, don’t depict a “normal” body image or the “normal” American woman.

Miss Alabama 2013 Mary Margret McCord

What I thought was really cool was that Mekayla wasn’t trying to be as tiny as possible, not eating like a normal person and depriving herself of things she really wanted just to be deemed beautiful at the contest or in regular life. And it worked! Nobody is frowning upon her for her physique! She looks fantastic! She doesn’t need to be skinny as a rail, and have abs that pop out all over the place for all of America to think she looks pretty. I find that inspiring not only to be but to girls everywhere.

Not that some women aren’t just naturally thin, and have great muscle tone, visible abs and model features because there are. But I love that Mekayla was able to be in this Miss USA contest or win the title of Miss Indiana, because it shows all of us that everyone can be beautiful. It’s not just the slender women that can participate in these contest and have all of America fawning over them. I think that it’s inspiring to young teen girls, little girls and women as a whole. It shows little girls that just because they look different doesn’t mean they have to give up on their dreams and older girls that sometimes being different sets you apart.

Bottom line, Mekayla Diehl has a special place in my heart <3.

Miss Indiana USA 2014

Our Deepest Fear

“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”

Have you ever done something you’re kind of ashamed of? I have. Haven’t we all? Have you ever done something that you were ashamed to tell someone? Even out loud to yourself?  I have. I did…today.

The thing about people with eating disorders, well, at least me, is that, no matter what you do you never feel like its working or like you’re good enough. Constantly, I have this overwhelming feeling of being inadequate, of being not pretty enough, smart enough, fit enough, healthy enough, happy enough, or kind enough. I go through at least 3 of these cycles throughout the day. Despite anything anyone tells me, I don’t feel good about myself. I could run a marathon and burn allllll of those calories and still feel like  I didn’t work hard enough and that I could’ve done more.

Anyways, back to that horrible thing that I didn’t want to tell anyone today.  I ate dinner, felt terrible, like I always do; then I traveled into the bathroom….and well I’m sure your imagination can take you to the correct place on this one. For the first time, in my entire life, throughout my entire journey with this torturous eating disorder, I threw up my food for the actual first time. It wasn’t all of it, just a little bit, but nevertheless I did it. It didn’t make me feel better. It didn’t make me feel worse either. It didn’t make me feel anything. I just feel like I’m anything. I’m feel like I’m not worth it to some people.

Most days are so hard for me, but i try to do better, i hate my bulimia, i wish it would just leave me already

I’m not a stupid girl. Don’t think that. I know that it’s not the ideal way to lose weight; I know it’s completely absurd. I know that it’s stupid and that people die from it. I don’t plan on doing it all the time. I don’t. I just thought, that in that moment, that it might alleviate some of the pain. It doesn’t.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, Fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? - Marianne Williamson

I’m Not A Doll

So, it’s been a rough couple of days for me. Let’s just say I’m having a lot of bad days in a row. A LOT. Last night, my night ended in hyperventilation and sitting on the couch with my daddy and my new puppy. (His name is Pepper by the way. I think he’s super cute.) But I made the mistake of stepping on the scale and thinking that that number somehow defines me. I know that everyone says that it doesn’t, but I just feel like it does. It’s not like I go around judging people by what they look like, because I absolutely do not!!!! But I feel like people do when they look at me! Ugh, what’s my issue? I mean, I pretty much cried all morning today. I’m just in one of those bad ruts I think.

I’ve been on my favorite place lately, pinterest, and I stumbled upon this video of a girl who reads her poem. It’s beautiful. It made me cry when I watched it. It kind of inspired me to write my own poem, although it is not eloquent, eye opening or helpful as hers, it’s the raw words that my own mind has said over the past 72 hours.

These collarbones will never stick out

But it’s not like I’m actually stout

My thighs are too big, they’ll never form that gap

So I guess I’ll need to dwell on being fat

These bones on my wrist, used to let my charm bracelet hang off it

Now these arms seem thick and make me feel sick

“You’re soooo skinny.” “You just need to eat”

“Why do you worry, you live so thin.” “I wish I could be like you.”

Shut up, shut up, you don’t know what it’s like to have these voices talk all the time

The lines in my abs won’t pop out,

I guess everything has just gone south

Those hip bones live under a layer of fat

What are you going to do about that?

Puke, take pills, run like hell, no matter what you’ll  never get that body back

Give up the cake, chips and junk food

Then being skinny will come easier tomorrow

Eat clean, eat right

That’s how you get the right body type

Cry, hyperventilate and fall on the floor

That’s what this has come to, do I even wanna do this anymore?

Can’t my clothes just hand off, my pants be too big, can’t I just be a twig?

These standards of beauty are just too hard and high

How am I suppose to achieve this, I don’t even know how to try

Escape This Town For A Little While

treacherous taylor swift lyrics "I'd be smart to walk away, but you're quicksand."

You know, I would be smart to walk away. I’d be smart to walk away from the feelings, from the heartbreak, from the pills, muscle milk, from the tiny amounts of food to the large amounts that are almost too much, from the feelings of depression and wanting to cry. I literally should walk away from it all. But it pulls you back in and drags you down, just like quicksand.

I’ve had this sinking feeling all day. All Day. This feeling of where I could just break into tears any given second. How do you walk around all day like that? How do you tell someone that’s how you feel? I don’t even think I want someone to feel sorry for me. I think that I just want to talk about t. But what am I even supposed to say?

Forever going with flow, but you're friction

“Skin and bones, trained to get along.”

Can I be like that?

“This hope is treacherous, this daydream is dangerous…” (Is the hope of this ‘recovery’ treacherous?)

Love Story | Taylor SwiftCan I escape for a little while? Is there even a place that I can go?

Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come <3

Sometimes I think that’s just what I want, someone to save me. That’s illogical, however.  That’s not a plausible way to get rid of, or out of this situation. It’s not fair to me or the other person. I can’t rely on someone else to drag me out of this dark hole, or take me out of this place that I’m in. But dammit……somebody just save me. I just…I can’t. I can’t make it all work. I swear not all of the pieces are here or they don’t all fit together to put this broken puzzle back together.

Fade into you - Nashville. I can't really sing so I guess I drew the lyrics