Tag Archives: hope

Friday’s Are For Fun

Part 1: Thursday Night

Last night I made crockpot chicken tacos for dinner. It was super easy. Way too easy actually and they turned out good!!! Thumbs up to myself. I didn’t eat them “taco” style, obviously. I ate mine in a taco salad sort of manner. I added black beans and asparagus into the mix.

Then, after dinner, Marty was watching the Vikings marathon in preparation for the new season starting last night so I went into the bedroom and worked on my cross stitch (which is currently a bunny) and because I’m a 21 year old child, I watched The Easter Bunny is Coming to Town. I wanted to watch Hop, but I don’t have that movie. Y’all, this is seriously THE corniest movie EVER. It was bad. I think I intended to buy Here Come Peter Cottontail, but made this mistake instead. Anyways, I’m currently in the Easter spirit 🙂

Part 2: Friday

Because we all know that I’m obsessed with Which Wich…..I had a bowlwich!!! Today mom and I ate there while I was getting some tire stuff done to my car. Thank goodness, this sub shop was conveniently located directly across the street 😉

In my shopping today I was in search of some dried fruit. I’ve actually never eating an apricot before but the choices were slim pickin’s. So I just kind of went for it and I’m so glad I did because they are actually delicious!!

Lastly, in life-well since Tuesday- I’m trying to find the fun, positive, exciting, uplifting and happy parts of life. I was also in search of today a vase for the flowers Marty got me for Valentine’s Day. I went into Michael’s to see what they had and stumbled upon these adorable lunch-type containers.

They cracked me up!! They had some more components on the inside that had more funny sayings.

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Totally adorable and I kind of want them!! The yay! leftovers one was the funniest. I think they were Betsey Johnson or something like that. Anyway, Friday’s are for fun findings 🙂

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Already A Little Old Lady

I’m already an old lady!! I got more/new supplies to do my cross stitch with!!!!

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Hi, Gilmore Girls binge season watching! 

Marty says I could’ve survived during the Pioneer days.

A while back I decided I should probably develop a hobby that wasn’t running or working out. Plus, the Internet at my house isn’t the greatest (but hopefully that’s going to improve soon). When I was just a little younger, I started cross stitching because my mom said she used to enjoy it back in the day. My first year of college I stitched a few things while I sat in my dorm and watching tons of Grey’s Anatomy. Then, after that, I sort of stopped or forgot about it or something.

Anyways, once Marty and I got married I decided I needed something to do to fill my time with. I finished student teaching in December and it was Christmas time (YAY!!!!!! I miss it already!) so I started to do these little ornaments (the house I showed the other day was one of the ones I was supposed to have done then). I did a gingerbread man and a candy cane during the holiday time and then sort of stopped. I finished that little house quickly and decided I needed new patterns.

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Enter Etsy. What a wonderful site 🙂 I found a set of 4 super adorable woodland creature type animals that make me smile when I look at them so I’m currently working on those. Hopefully I don’t give up or get bored or something.

Sometimes my hands get pretty tired but that just means it is time for a browsing Pinterest/Instagram/Facebook session 😉

Oh! I also randomly got these bagel crisps yesterday at the store. HEB kind of rocks even though I have a love/hate relationship with it. I used to loveeeee bagels, but I try to stay away from them now, because well in my head I have that they are “bad”. Not the point here!!! Anyways, these are flippin’ fantastic.

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In Omnia Paratus

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This sandwich right here is a really big freaking deal. Huge. To you, it looks like an ordinary sandwich (well, maybe not because of the bread). I used cinnamon raisin bread, because well that’s the BEST kind of bread there is. Anyways, you’re looking at it probably asking yourself what is so dang special about this particular sandwich. It’s a peanut butter sandwich and an apple. The special part: the fact that there are 2 whole pieces of bread. 2!!!!! Not 1. Not 1 1/2….but 2! I never never never ever eat sandwiches with 2 pieces of bread. I’m scared of it and I don’t like it and I don’t wanna do it. I felt like eating a “sandwich” with 1 piece of bread gave me some type of discipline and control that other people just didn’t have. That’s so not true!!! It means that I irrationally fear a piece of bread. Who in the world is afraid of bread? Me.

I ate that sandwich with 2 pieces of bread because I’ve recently come to a very startling, harsh and horrifying fact that’s staring at me straight in the face. I’m scared/nervous to even type it out. This is my heart on my sleeve. This is an insight into the most vulnerable part of my being. Exposing all of my elements, secrets and disguises.

Some times things just happen to you. I didn’t mean for this eating disorder to happen to me. While it could probably be argued that I did in fact do this to myself, I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing initially. I just thought I was “getting healthy”. I didn’t originally set out to lose more than 5 pounds or just gain a little bit of muscle tone. I didn’t. I didn’t realize that “getting healthy” meant becoming a slave to my own mind, being frightened of almost all foods, being afraid to be around people, sleeping just plain awful at night, having my thoughts consumed with food, and worst of all being unnerved, and sent into an utter panic over my own feelings and emotions that I buried deeper the more I developed my eating disorder.

So, what the heck am I rambling on about? I went to the doctor last Monday so I’ve had an entire week to process and cope with this. When you go to the doctor, they make you get on a scale (which I get on backwards as to not see the numbers) and take your blood pressure. Twas that day that I was suddenly slammed with the reason why I’m so cold all the time, my fingernails are often found a shade of purple, sometimes why I’m kind of mean and angry, and why tired so quickly in the evening. At first I just noticed that my blood pressure was lower than usual. Like way lower. I already have a lower blood pressure but this was abnormal for even me. Then, at the end of the appointment, the nurse handed me this paper that was just going over what the doctor had said to me. I glanced at it, not realizing that it would have my weight on it…..it did. It was at that point, that I realized why I always seemed to live in Antarctica and everyone else seemed to live on a normal continent.

It was at that moment where I felt panic and my heart ached. I never meant to do that to myself. I never meant for things to get quite that bad. I didn’t even realize I was doing it, that it was happening, that things changed or how I even achieved that. I didn’t want my gold star……..

It was at that moment that I realized……I might actually be sick.

So here I am. Trying to make arrangements to change that. Arrangements that are going to push me. They are going to help me heal and enjoy life and live in color instead of living in black and white and watching the colors swirl around me. These things are going to push me and I’m going to push back because I DO NOT WANT TO do them. I don’t. I don’t wanna change. I worked hard for this. BUT I HAVE TO. HAVE TO. I don’t have a choice anymore. If I want to continue living, if I want to continue to have a life with my husband, if I want to teach kids, and one day if I want to have a family. I have to keep pushing for the healthy version of me. I have to fight for the good.

But following inspiration people who are doing the same things as me or are a little further along in their journey than me is helpful. Especially when they are so kind as to stop, reach out their hand, and touch others.

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God bless, Julia of http://www.lord-still-loves-me.com/

On a much happier note 🙂

Image: http://bluesclues.wikia.com/wiki/Blue’s_Clues_House

I also finished my mini cross stitch this afternoon while I watched a ton of Gilmore Girls AND the Charlie Brown Valentine’s Day DVD I got!! I’m kind of obsessed with Charlie Brown and all things Peanuts. And maybe it’s just me, but this little house I did sort of reminds me of the Blue’s Clues house….haha.

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Now I just want to go watch all the animated movies in my drawer!!!! Really, I’m just a child in an adult body.

Foggy Mornings & Brothers

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That picture was oddly comforting/pretty this morning as I drove to Sonora to watch Keegan show his sheep ( Linus and Sally. I may have a Peanuts obsession. They are just SO CUTE!!!) It was super, super foggy this morning and the sun had just risen in the sky. It just made this very pretty bright yellow ball in the sky that attempted to shine through the fog. It was pretty! It reminded me of how there is still hope in the day and new days!! That God is still there and He still has a hand in His beautiful world.

Today I also was a sub in 1st grade 🙂 They are pretty darn cute, however I forgot how hyper and how much work they can be! Although, that may not be an accurate depiction of how they always are because I just happened to be the sub on the afternoon where the kids can get a soda if they didn’t get any marks in their folder that 6 weeks. Of course there would be a sub that day. Maybe she did it on purpose 😉 TOTALLY KIDDING!! But it was good to get to seem them again and get to enjoy teaching again because towards the end of student teaching I felt like the life was just plain sucked out of me!

This picture may seem random to you, but it’s really not! This is a picture of my eating disorder ring. It has anchors because in the bible there is a verse, Hebrews 6:19—–>

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. “NIV

For me, anchors symbolize hope. I have hope that there is and will be an end to this pain that this eating disorder gives me. I even have “Stay fearless” inscribed on the inside of the band. Therefore, I wear this ring pretty much every day. It’s on my right index finger because I don’t wanna wear it on my ring finger and my wedding rings are on my left hand and I don’t like clutter.

Today I made a quick trip to the grocery store after school to get something so I could bake these banana muffins. It was literally the fastest trip. I went it and out with the same on still on the radio. I was almost all the way home when I realized that my ring was NO LONGER on my fingers!! I immediately felt extremely sad. I’ve had this ring for as long as I can remember now. I texted my Mom to tell her I had somehow lost my ring. Thankfully, she and Keegan were about to go through town and said they would look just to make sure. I basically had zero hope. Which is pretty ironic seeing as anchors symbolize hope to me…..hmmm.

Anyways!!!! Keegan ended up finding my ring right where I had told them I was parked!!! I was immediately so excited and relieved and my mood was lifted. Love that baby brother of mine (who turns 16 on Monday?!?! What is life?!)

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Side note: He did very well at showing today. And the bottom picture is him from my wedding.

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Thinking Out Loud…Running With Spoons

I’ve been reading this blog called Running With Spoons for a little while now and I’ve decided to try one of her Thinking Out Loud posts. Hers are pretty good, so mine I’m sure will pale in comparison.

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http://www.runningwithspoons.com/thinking-out-loud/

What they are is just a post about random things that are happening in your life, pictures or just anything really. So, here goes nothing!

#1 Excitement: I’m going to get to sub this week!! And some next week!! Yay!!!!!!! Most of you know that I graduated in December with a degree in early childhood education so I’m excited that I’m going to get to be in a classroom and basically get to be teacher for the day. I think this will be good for me. Sorta ease me back into the routine and keep me from getting to rusty. Mainly, I’m just excited because I get to go back to one of the classes that I did my student teaching in. Can’t wait to see how much they have learned and grown 🙂

#2 Annoyance/Mini Rant: The DARN radio!!! My gosh!! Half the time I just want to throw my pen at that dang thing! I want to throw it out the window! If isn’t a commercial it’s the same song that they’ve been playing for monthsssss. It just grinds my gears some days! I have a fairly lengthy drive from my house to town so I listen to the radio a bunch. I listen to my Ipod over the radio often, but there is just something about the radio I like. Can’t a girl just get some better tunes?!

#3 New Show/Obsession: I’ve been spending mornings at home lately seeing as I don’t really have a consistent job to go to. Let me just tell you there is literally nothing on TV at 7:00-10:00ish a.m. Nothing!! Due to boredom, I’ve recently become slightly obsessed with the TODAY Show. I just like it! Not positive why it appeals to me so much but it really does. It’s like having friends come into my living room in the morning 🙂

#4 More Excitement: OHHHH!! I checked the mail today and guess what was there?! My new social security card!!!! That’s right, my last name has officially changed 🙂 Only almost 3 months late…..

#5 Not sure what to do with the rest of these bananas: I’m pretty much super obsessed with bananas. They are a constant staple in my house. Life my not continue if we run out of bananas! (Just kidding!) But I have a few old ones that I don’t wanna throw out, but I’m not really sure what to make with them either?? I don’t know that I wanna make banana bread, so I’m going to do some searching on Pinterest and if I fail at that I’ll probably go back to banana bread (which is still a win!)

There’s my random rambling for the day. Thinking out loud 🙂

 

Mac & Cheese, Please

Last night was macaroni and cheese with turkey sausage night!! (Shh, don’t tell my husband it was turkey.) Anywhooo, I was pretty unsure about this  whole mac and cheese in the crock pot situation. It seemed a little sketchy while I was making it. It was what I like to call an “experimental dinner”.

BUT!!! Thank goodness, it was actually pretty good. I used whole wheat pasta, so that gave it kind of a funky “whole wheat” taste, so I think next time I’m just going to use a regular pasta. Overall though, it was pretty much given the green light! YAY!

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What I’m trying very, very hard to do is almost force myself to eat actual food for dinner. It’s harder than you can imagine! I’m so used to eating yogurt or a protein bar or something that I think is a “safe” food. I’m working at it. Failing some day, but who doesn’t? I find myself going through these phases during the day where I’m in the “I can do this” mode. I’m motivated and I’m convinced that I can eat dinner. Then I have the other mode of “I HATE food. I HATE dinner and I HATE eating.” This usually happens after I have my dang yogurt at lunch. For some reason my brain thinks that’s so much food. I’m not even sure why…I don’t know.

What I fail to remember every single day is that I didn’t become this way overnight or even a week. I didn’t do this to myself in a month, so how can I expect myself to get better or recover in just a week or even one month?! That’s not reality and it’s so unrealistic. Everyday however, I fall victim to this thought process because I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel and finally feel good about myself. However, this is a long journey that is going to take time. I have to learn to be patient with myself, patient with my body and try to stay fearless throughout the whole process.

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Then, after dinner my husband got a wild hair and decided he wanted to watch a Disney movie 🙂 He knows I own ALOT of these movies so he had to go look in my movie drawer and he picked The Lion King. It was a very comforting way to end the evening 🙂

Pizza & Heart Sunglasses

So, basically, this is just what I’ve been doing for the past few days. Not really a whole bunch, but in case you care 😉

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Saturday night I made homemade pizza (I didn’t make the crust this time.) This was my pizza (M would’ve thrown a fit if I made him eat my turkey pepperoni and “weird cheese” pizza.) FUN FACT: I actually neverrrrr put pepperoni on my pizza at home, but that day, I just sorta went for it. Pizza is a MAJOR fear food for me, so even when I eat it at home it’s kind of an epic thing. One day I’ll eat real pizza…one day.  I’m actually considering making a whole “fear foods” list. But we’ll see how that goes.

SUNDAY 🙂

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It just seemed like a good opportunity to take a selfie in my poncho, my Grandma’s owl whistle necklace and heart sunglasses (I ❤ these!!) The sun was shining and it just seemed perfect. And sometimes, you just have to take a selfie, right???

Then, I went for a run at my house. I was a little concerned that it was going to be too cool outside to run but M reassured me over and over that it was going to be fine. Actually, his exact words were “well are you going to be walking the whole time? Then, you’ll get warm. You’re running.” I’m such a baby with cold so I still wore this big long sleeved shirt.

While I was on this run at my house, (I run on our paved road so it’s pretty nice) I met these 2 dogs!! They have never joined me on a run before..haha. They were so random!! Thank goodness they were super sweet though!! And then other times, you just have to run with sheep, right?! Those sheep basically live with us because our house is just basically in a pasture and these sheep are constantly there. So anytime I run actually, I’m always running with some kind of animal. Getting my wildlife fix.

One of my goals in this journey is to try and eat actual dinner (lunch….now that’s a stretch and freaks me out.) But dinner seems doable because well, I’ve gotta fed my husband. On that note, tonight I’m going to try making this homemade macaroni. So, we’ll see how that turns out!!!

I’m going to try to K-Pow life and Ed this year (or at least make it quieter.) Get it? K-Pow???? 🙂

 

Life’s Anticipation

Today is the final day of student teaching (clinical teacher…whatever). IT’S MY LAST DAY!!! When did this happen?! Am I even old enough to be in college, let alone a teacher!? They are actually going to let me mold impressionable young minds!? Sometimes, I think the state of Texas is crazy. With yesterday being the conclusion of a UIL meet, today being the end of the semester and graduation rapidly approaching, there are all sorts of emotions in the air. Excitement of actually being almost certified, fear of graduation and the future, paired along with excitement of the future because there are so many more beautiful memories, experiences and adventures to come! And of course, I cannot forget the excitement of being able to watch an unlimited amount of Christmas movies/shows because of this new things I’m about to have since finishing school….time!

I’ve come so far since the beginning of the semester. I started out this timid, young, zero experience student teacher who felt like she had no idea how to even step inside a classroom (ALSO: I was Miss McCollum). Now, at the end of this journey I feel like I can walk into the classroom (still nervously) and for the most part have a grasp at what I am supposed to accomplish (and this time, I’ll never be ‘miss’ again, I’ll be Mrs. Powell). Being a “Mrs.” is funny in itself. It’s a strange concept to think about how you permanently are going to live with someone but I can also say that it is literally the best decision you can ever make. It’s amazing to always have someone there with you to talk to, to laugh with, to watch the same TV shows over and over and over, to make them watch Christmas movies with you ;), and finally (this may be the most important) to never judge you for not wanting to make dinner. Maybe it’s just that I’m a newlywed or the spirit of the holidays getting to me, but I’ve just recently realized that there is just so much to be thankful for, appreciate, step back and just be in complete awe of in live. You have to love it. You have to enjoy it while you get the chance. I’m writing this and just thinking about how amazing God is and how thankful I am that he has given me a wonderful family and wonderful close friends that I get to experience life with! He’s allowed me to accomplish my goal of finishing college and it’s been a pretty good ride. He’s allowed me to finally start thinking and working towards recovery, which is a whole new mountain for me to climb, but He is with me!

It’s been a LONG semester filled with joy, anticipation, tiredness and of course, what would college be without STRESS? But I’ve made it through! I can say that I am a graduate, which apparently is a big deal. I get to say that I worked for 3 ½ years to accomplish this goal and I finally get to cross that finish line! Finally, I think what has been one of the best lessons I’ve learned over the course of this semester didn’t come from a school or a book, it’s come from God. I’ve heard it said countless times that “God has a plan for your life” and I took that, understood, and believed. It wasn’t until very recently though that I truly, truly started to believe that and started to watch things unfold the way they are supposed to and NOT how I imagined them. Which is frustrating and I feel like my life is one giant waiting game. But how boring would that be if everything actually went according to how we planned!? There would be no anticipation or excitement in life!! Look forward to the things you have to play the waiting game for in life, sometimes the waiting could be the best part.

(SIDENOTES: I made that one face a lot during the semester.)

These Wildest Dreams

The world isn’t black and white. Recovery isn’t black and white either. Not too long ago, I thought it was only in my wildest dreams. It’s not though! Recovery is about forging a new path in the snow. It’s like the coach I met with me said, “Recovery is like taking a sled and going down a snowy hill. You’ve been going down the same path for SO long that the tracks from the sled are carved so deeply in the snow that making a new path seems absolutely terrifying. But that’s recovery. That’s what we have to do!! The first couple of times, it’s bumpy, you may fall off, there are unexpected twists and turns, but eventually you get to the bottom. Then, you climb back up and do it ALL over again. The more we create and form the new path, the easier it gets.”

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That’s what I’ve been doing for the past 2 weeks, forming a new path in my head and creating new habits. I’ve been trying to let go of fear and learn more about me. Recovery is about a journey to your true self. The actual person you are, your authentic self. The self without the eating disorder. I have goals, wants and needs outside the eating disorder part of me. That part of me doesn’t call all the shots! The part of me that’s constantly scared, fearful of other’s opinions, anxiety ridden, and that walks around so bogged down from fear that I’m tired and can’t be happy sometimes is NOT my authentic self! I have to learn to listen to myself, to listen to my body and what it wants. Without constantly catering to what the eating disorder part of me wants, I can have more time to focus on other things….like finding an actual hobby. This week alone, I read books I wanted to, cleaned, changed our bed set up, and even baked something (that was a slight fiasco). Nevertheless, I did have some time to focus on other things. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard as hell some days. You know that saying, “fall down three times, stand back up four times”? Or whatever it is. Yeah, that’s what I’m living.

One of my favorite quotes

Not every day is easy. Not every day is even fun. Life isn’t happy-go-lucky as soon as you decide to just stop listening to the eating disorder part of you. It’s still there. It’s still real. It still hurts! But, that’s what recovery is about. It’s about saying “hey, eating disorder voice, I hear you, I hear what you’re saying, but I’m not going to deal with/listen to you right now. I’m going to go do….” Eating disorder recovery is about healing and part of that healing is learning about yourself. Which brings me to my next point…it’s about loving, accepting and being proud of yourself.

I'll be fine if they don't:

We live in a world where people preach confidence and then turn right around and criticize you for being confident and proud of yourself. I’m about to tell you that I’m learning to accept myself by saying “I am who I am. If you like me, great and if you don’t like me, that’s great too. But this is me, and I’m going to go on and be myself.’  I’m learning to try to be an actual friend to myself. I’m proud of myself for realizing that I need help. I’m proud of myself for meeting with someone. I’m proud of myself for being about to try and make a new path. I’m proud of myself for almost being through with student teaching (I finished my last evaluation this week.) I’m proud of myself for doing student teaching and somehow managing to get married in the middle! I’m proud of all of the things that my body can somehow manage to, and finally, I’m proud of myself for about to be a college graduate. I’m never actually thought it was okay to be proud of myself, but I had a short conversation with my coach today and she said to write down all of the things I was proud of myself for. She also said it’s great to be proud of yourself! That’s self-acceptance!!!! So, there is it. I’m proud of myself. You should be proud of yourself too.

I know I need help. I have hurt people and never intended to. And that I can't live with cause I hurt the most important person in my life and I have lost her. I can't do this alone. So nervous and scared yet hopefully to be going to pine lodge tomorow. I know it's gonna be tough but so what I need. I surrender cause my way isn't working for me.

In the spirit of the season of thankfulness (considering Thanksgiving is less than a week from today), on my way home I realized that I have so many things to be thankful for. I’m actually happy. I’m so incredibly blessed by everything that surrounds me and that has happened to me in the past couple of months. I’m thankful for my family (the new and old), my friends (especially the ones who have been with me through thick and thin…nudge, nudge), KIDS to teach, music, writing, books, GOD and the opportunities that I have been given in this life BY HIM. I find myself full of gratitude and looking at the world in a positive light rather than negative. Life is beautiful.  Stay Fearless, y’all ❤

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Fighting Dragons With You

  • REVOLUTION
  • VARIATION
  • INNOVATION
  • SHIFT
  • ADJUSTMENT
  • MODIFICATION
  • REMODEL
  • METAMORPHOSIS
  • RECONSTRUCTION
  • TRANSFORMATION
  • REFINEMENT

Or simply put, change.


Sweeter Than Fiction

It was recently pointed out to me the other day that I’m pretty open about my eating disorder.  I’m gonna go ahead and assume that it’s a positive comment. It got me thinking, I didn’t used to be that way. In the very beginning I was really reserved. Literally, only family and 2 maybe 3 people outside of that knew what I was going through. Even when I first started my blog I hadn’t posted it on my own personal social media so that people who even kind of knew me could see what I think and feel. Even in early/middle of October I still hadn’t really let on to many people that I was going through this terrible time in my life. However, it was around that time that I decided that I wanted to speak to the youth about my personal struggle and how you have to be careful about what you say to others. But there is a reason I’m open now. I know that I always wished for someone to help me while I was going through this. If I can help someone, help them understand, by simply putting it out there how I feel, how I think and it would impact them in a positive way, why wouldn’t I do that?

Anyways, this morning I was jamming out to some old school T-Swift when Change came on my radio. You should’ve seen me in the car. I’m pretty sure I was doing some entertaining dancing. I don’t even care! In the moment, all I’m experiencing what it felt like for 3 minutes to be free. Literally all I thought about when that song was playing was me and my recovery and how you have to fight to get through it. You literally have to fight tooth and nail, use your fingernails and claw and crawl your way to the top.

“We’re faster and never scared”

Recovery is a really scary and serious process. You already feel a whirlwind of emotions constantly, and sitting in therapy only brings the nasty and negative thoughts to the surface. When I started out, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do this. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be “The Kairos without the eating disorder”. I didn’t want to be better. I was absolutely terrified, and rightfully so. I was afraid to find out who I was without my eating disorder or without it constantly breathing down my neck and over analyzing my every waking move. I had this giant misconception though. I was under the impression that once you enter recovery the eating disorder, negative thoughts and self loathing magically disappear and you become a totally new person. Wrong. So Wrong. I don’t believe that for a second. Yes, you do change, but not the the way I was originally thinking. I’m still the same person. I still have some negative thoughts, they just aren’t as dark or frequent. That’s always going to be a major part of me. It doesn’t erase or become invisible, which is something I thought was going to happen.  My eating disorder will always be a part of my life history and why I do some of things I do, but I don’t have to be chained to being “The girl with the eating disorder”. 

There comes a point where things ‘change’.

There comes a point where ‘the walls they put up fall down’.

There comes a point where coming into the slightest, tiniest bit of recovery makes you a ‘champion tonight’.

- Taylor Swift