Tag Archives: Jesus

Easter Bunny Thoughts

Cute-White-Bunny-Painting-1920x1200

Image: http://vividscreen.info/pic/cute-white-bunny-painting/20150/for-1920×1200

Does Easter make anyone else feel..well, weird? Sad-like? No? Just me? I thought so. I don’t know why but Easter has always given me this gloomy feeling, even when I was a child. I know that even if you aren’t religious like I am that it shouldn’t be a holiday that makes you feel “sad”. If you are religious, then it’s a day you should celebrate Christ rising from the grave and saving you from enduring a life of pain and suffering. Which is just even think about if you step back and let that soak in. If you aren’t, it’s still a happy day, you think about this adorable white bunny (the Easter bunny I picture in my head is white. Yours might be brown or spotted or something. Lol) that comes and brings you eggs and best of all…..CHOCOLATE!!

chocolate-easter-bunny

Image: https://sqonline.ucsd.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/chocolate-easter-bunny.jpg

I don’t know, maybe I’m just a weirdo. I was thinking about all of this last night while I was helping out with the children at church last night while the entire story of Easter was being read to them. As I was driving home it was still daylight and the sun was setting. It seems like I’m never going to get used to this whole spring forward nonsense, but yesterday it was a blessing because I got to see this:

20160323_194246

The sun was setting and the clouds were just right to create the ray of light streaming. It was beautiful. The fact that I had just listened to the Easter story and was thinking about the whole concept of Easter made me feel like God was really speaking to my heart through the sunset. It was actually very comforting.

Also yesterday I did some fun shopping 🙂 I’m very proud of my Hobby Lobby purchase for the kitchen. We have a whole bunch of empty space above our cabinets and on one side I put these old Peanuts glasses that my mom had but the other side was awkwardly empty. I’d been wanting something that sort of represented us but still fit with the theme of our kitchen. I was really sad because these super cute old timey food/diner type things just wouldn’t work —> Seriously, how cute is that burger boy?!?!?!

But it turns out I was even more successful!!! I found this sheep!! Considering my husband works most of the time with sheep and sheep seem to always be in my front yard, this was just perfect. I just felt like I couldn’t have picked anything better.

20160324_07530820160324_075321

With Easter coming up I’m having some anxiety over Easter dinners and not working out. I’m probably over compensating in areas that I shouldn’t be but I can’t really help it right now. I know that I’m almost certain to miss a workout day and that’s just kind of driving me up the wall. I’m trying to be okay with it because I really know that you actually don’t have to workout 7 days a week and that is it perfectly fine to take a rest day!! I just don’t normally do that so I’m freaking out a bit. I’m trying really hard to be at ease with it but for me that is way easier said than done. I know that God will be there with me this Easter holiday weekend though, through all the dinners (I think I have my side of the family convinced to eat Easter pizza) and hopefully a little bit of chocolate that comes my way 😉

Advertisements

Good Grief, Charlie Brown

There’s a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald that resonates with my eating disorder. I hadn’t read it until just the other night.

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

Looking at this now, I can see all of these steps of my eating disorder unfolding. I can see myself ‘taking the drink’ and researching how to more fit, how to lose weight, how to eat healthy and slowly becoming more involved in what I thought was a “healthy lifestyle”. Then, I can see how the ‘drink’ took its own drink when I began to see some positive results and when I felt like I was succeeding in my goals of looking thinner. I was losing myself in the eating disorder and losing the ability to stop the madness and breathe. Finally, I can see took me. I see the hell it did to me and the hell it still does now. It over takes and consumes your entire being and suddenly, ‘the drink’ has convinced you it can’t live without you. What a strange and almost vicious image. Suddenly, working out and trying to be healthy in college was no longer a hobby, it was something that was on its way to controlling my life.

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.

Image: http://www.quotehd.com/quotes/f-scott-fitzgerald-author-quote-first-you-take-a-drink-then-the-drink-takes-a-drink

So about this Bible study……it’s some pretty good/thought provoking stuff. I’m also not real sure if I’m constantly supposed to relate this study with my eating disorder, but I do, so hope that’s all right.

Anyways, Priscilla Shirer’s series is all about boundaries and how they are our “breathing room”. So, I’m constantly evaluating my own boundaries and the ones God has in place for me. I’m constantly looking at how I’m probably going over God’s wishes when I’m pretty much, probably basically ignoring His boundaries with food and working out. Whoops……..

One of the very first things she said during this segment was about how the Israelites didn’t know how to “rest” one day. Nobody had ever told them that they should rest on one day and have that be the Lord’s day, so it freaked them out. Majorly. Israelites had a strict work routine and a set way they had to do things, basically as she went on to explain they worked themselves constantly and worked hard at their jobs. After she said that, it got me thinking (I was still paying attention to her. I didn’t fully go off on a tangent.) It got me thinking that Ed makes me a freakin’ Israelite!!! Constantly working, constantly busy and always trying to keep to a strict schedule and way of life! What?! How is it that God always knows what you need to hear? After all this time I still find that so odd.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf - October 2015 LDS General Conference #lds #ldsconf #quotes (Picture from lds.org):

Image: http://www.kathyhmcbride.com/#!fulness%20of%20times/zoom/cm8a/dataItem-ig9merj3

Anywho, this week in the study we are supposed to focus on coming to a full stop. We are talking about the Sabbath and how that means we need to take a day of rest. Resting/relaxing is so frowned upon these days that we feel guilty anytime we even think about engaging in it. This week we are focusing on what makes it hard for us to come to a complete stop and relax. Well, for me, it’s almost obviously my e.d. Having an obsession what my food/my workouts/my overall size and appearance makes it hard for my brain to just let me stop those actions. My brain is constantly trying to figure out new ways to keep myself “fit”. I can’t ‘just say no’ to these thoughts and actions! I need a freakin’ drug campaign/slogan to be thrown at me constantly. Good grief, Charlie Brown.

Image: http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/2015/10/02/good-grief-charlie-brown-youre-65.html

But God says resting IS GOOD!!!! He wants us to take time to rest. Our “Sabbath” is supposed to be a day to think about Him and rest WITHOUT feeling guilty, ashamed or worrying about doing the relaxing. I apparently feel like my value is somehow tied up in accumulating approval. The approval of others and me, alike. I feel like my value is determined by what stupid size I wear and like people aren’t going to love me if I’m not a size 2 or 4. Believe me, I know that’s ridiculous but I can’t deny that’s how I feel. In the end, I have to learn to somehow be able to say “ENOUGH is ENOUGH!” and that what I’m doing the other 6 days of the week is sufficient enough to keep me in the right place.

Tonight I’m supposed to go out to dinner with some friends. For normal people, this would be fun, for me, it’s painful. Not because I don’t want to see my friends, I do!! But it’s pure agony because I can’t know the nutrition facts of the restaurant, I already feel bad about food from yesterday and eating out is horrific. Good grief, Charlie Brown. I think that I just have to remember to breathe, take things one step at a time and allow myself some breathing room.

Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.:

Image: https://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/live-life-quotes-love-life-quotes-live-life-3846115/take-a-shower-wash-off-day-4232919335

JOY to the World

I’m sitting here this morning watching they Disney Parade (I’m 6, I know. No judgement please.) But as I’m sitting here, soaking up all of the Christmas morning magic it makes me consider this life and most importantly The Savior that makes this spectacular life possible.

“The Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be pregnant. She will have a son, and she will name him Immanuel.” Isaiah 7:14

“For to us a child is born, to use a son is given; and the government shall be rest upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6-7

IMG_1195

As I’ve said before, these past 2 months have been insane; both positive and negative. In 2015, my life is going to change for the better. I get the marry the love of my life! How crazy is that?! But on the negative end, my little brother has ITP, which is a a blood disorder where he doesn’t have enough platelets in his blood. He’s been in and out of the hospital for the past couple of weeks and he even went in a day before Christmas Eve. He got to come home yesterday though, and we all celebrated Christmas Eve/Christmas with him 🙂 He’s doing so much better.

IMG_1210

IMG_1223

This Christmas isn’t about being pretty for me. It’s not about letting Ed live my life and control all my habits. It’s about being happy and soaking in all the love and beautiful things that God has surrounded you with. Spending time with your family and being thankful for who is present in your life and stop complaining about being ‘alone’ because you don’t have a significant other. That’s not what today is. Take your mind off the negative and refocus it on the positive aspects.

IMG_1222

This is a beautiful, wonderful, joyous, loving, exciting, and grand life. Let’s live in the spectacular now. Merry Christmas 🙂

Merry Christmas not happy holidays !!!!!

Hold My Heart

385b258626c37cbfdc3581ffbb3a02ae

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-xmBDAK5c4 I cry every time I hear this. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEz2PsLJ-RI This song too.

 

“If You’re everything You say You are, will You come close and hold my heart?”

I’ve never not been apart of the church. Some of my first childhood memories come from the church. I grew up in a Christian home and was always taught the Word. So, when I began to have doubts about God’s plan for me, or hearing God’s voice, or feeling abandoned by him, I started to feel like a bad person because I was unsure.

I felt like I was stuck in a hole, all by myself with no one to help me out of it. I just felt as if God wasn’t caring about me. He didn’t care what happened to me or what I was going through. I couldn’t wrap my mind around why I had to have an eating disorder and cry all the time and constantly beat myself up. I was almost angry with God because I felt like he had just left me to drown on my own. I was sinking, or so I thought.

It’s a funny thing when you finally get to hear God’s voice. It’s strange. You don’t expect it. It’s not like the Bible stories you know the kind, like when God is calling Samuel and he believes it to be Eli. It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t this big scary voice from the clouds, it was almost like a whisper. I like to think of God as my own personal Jiminy Cricket. He’s my conscience; speaking to me and I don’t even realize it. I just forget sometimes that God can speak like that. It doesn’t always have to be writing in the sky or the hand on the wall. I always feel bad because I think I’m not listening to God, but I really am. It was a strange feeling to be praying and talking to God about something for so long and just get no answer. It’s an amazing feeling and experience when He finally answers you. When he gives you a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. It’s like no other feeling in the world. To get to see God’s hand in my life yesterday was a completely amazing experience that I will never do justice in trying to explain.

5d2a35a021202ccec472e35b0f67a827