Tag Archives: lonely

Nightmares

I know that I’m not the only person that has ever had a nightmare. Now normally, I’d say that I have a tendency to have some pretty odd, off the wall dreams, but they are hardly ever actually scary. However, for two nights in a row, I had nightmares. Well, for most people they probably wouldn’t be considered a nightmare but for me, these are my literal worst nightmares.

I’ve been having eating disorder nightmares the past couple of nights. I’m not even sure why. They are pretty weird too. One of them I have kind of being chased by a cloth tape measure and the other I had passed out or was about to pass out because I hadn’t eaten enough, or something along those lines.

They weren’t very pleasant dreams, but nevertheless, they happened. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. It was a very strange experience for me. I was really glad when I woke up the next morning and was very thankful that those were just dreams. I don’t think that I ever want either of those to come true.

Sadly this seems to be my life lately. Tired, no that's not the right term for how I feel, more like FATIGUE. I swear this disease is getting worse. At least a year ago my meds gave me energy and I could do things before I became worn out. FUCK YOU Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy!!!!!!

I’ve been having a rough time lately. But I’m only allowing myself to work out a little at a time and reminding myself that school starts again soon and I can go back in to counseling and that my goal is to be healthy. I don’t need to be a size zero. Because after all, zero is not a size.

The famous '0 is not a size' shirt :) how does she look so gorgeous so dressed down?? #unfair #luvmisssophiabush

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Lover, Crier, Fighter, Riser

The first time I ever heard the song Riser by Dierks Bentley I knew it was immediately meant for me. It was meant to give me inspiration, hope and the courage to pursue what I wanted. Special, really special. It talks about being someone who risers against all odds, through the difficult times, through all of the doubters, disbelief and constant lies that tell you your dream is not achievable.

I’m a riser.

I’m a riser
I’m a get up off the ground, don’t run and hider
Pushing comes a-shovin’
Hey I’m a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I’m a lighter

I think that you have to be your own hero, your own riser. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t find someone else that can be a riser for you as well. Because I sincerely believe that everyone needs another person to lean on. No matter how much you try, how much you wish, or how much everyone says you just need yourself, a support system is necessary. You need someone else to lift you up and say you can do it because there are going to be those days where you just cannot do it alone.

I’m a fighter.

Lay your pretty head down on my shoulder
You don’t have to worry anymore
This old world is cold and getting colder
And I know how to lock and bolt the door

I’m strong enough to hold you through the winter
Mean enough to stare your demons down

This song makes me cry when I listen to it.  I can probably turn just about any song I listen to into a song about me and my ed. But honestly, it didn’t take much effort with this one. It grabs a hold of my heart, grips it from the very first words to the uttering of the last and simply makes me feel like it gets me. It gets what I’m experiencing  and it 100% understands how I feel. And I think that the song is says that it’s okay for me to rely on other people to help me sometimes. It’s telling me that sometimes you simply can’t do it on your own.

Bottom line is, this song is really important to me and teaches me a lesson of sorts. No matter what ed and the world are throwing at me, I have to keep doing this, I have to keep being a fighter, I have to keep being a riser.

I’m A Trier

 

Love yourself! @brittany valania <3

Have you ever had to restrain yourself from throwing up? Well, actually for me, look it up. I mean, I know how to and all, I just can’t ever make myself actually do it, or perfect that are. Yeah, yeah, “that’s bad for you”, “don’t do that”, “that’s self harm”. Blah, blah,  blah. I’ve heard all of that before. I get it. Thanks so much for contributing to the “love yourself as you are” party.

EDNOS, or 'eating disorder not otherwise specified,' affects 24 million Americans. EDNOS is dangerous, because its unknown to some, and easily overlooked, Those with EDNOS show signs of bulimia and anorexia, where their symptoms are the same, but don't fully meet the full criteria of those disorders.'A lot of people think - just because you don't meet the weight criteria, "Oh, you don't have an eating disorder."' People get caught up in physical appearance which can't reveal the real suffering -

It’s like no matter what I do nothing works. Being around people, eating what they eat, acting like they act, nothing. It just doesn’t work. Wanna help me out here? Like seriously, I literally cannot do this. I recently got…well…in a fight I guess about having this insecurity/eating disorder/craziness going around in my head. I don’t have a handle on this. No matter how much you think I do. When I get oddly quiet for myself, you should probably be concerned. I’m sitting in that chair there thinking about it. I’m sitting next to you on the couch thinking about it. I’m laying in bed at night thinking about it. Thankfully I haven’t dreamed about it. It eats away at me, day after day, night after night, hour after hour. I’d say I need help but I swear that doesn’t even seem to be working. Am I to damaged to help?  Beyond the point of repair? Am I at that point where nobody even cares that it upset me anymore? If there was a magic pill, believe me, I’d take it in a heartbeat. But there isn’t.

Love Yourself First | LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. | via Tumblr | We Heart It

But in my car ride home today, I found myself grasping at the fat at my body, over analyzing my legs thinking about everything I couldn’t eat and every way I could avoid eating. I was with my friends tonight and they always manage to comment on how much I didn’t eat or how I need to eat more. I don’t think they truly comprehend the condition. Then again, I don’t really plan to go into explaining what’s going on in my mind and with my body.

I think that I just have this overwhelming feeling that nobody is going to think I’m pretty. I guess that’s irrational considering there is literally and infinite amount of people with allllllll different body types on this planet. At the end of the day, at least one person will find something beautiful about them. I’ve also heard it said that beauty is only skin deep and it’s really the type of person that you are that makes you truly beautiful. If you’re heart is beautiful then it flows from the inside out and allows you to glow and shine on the outside. That’s the goal here. It’s the ultimate finish line. We’ll get there….eventually.

This is for any recovery... a bad relationship, abuse, violence, eating disorders, etc. Recovery is never easy, but we hope and pray that in the end, we get there, and its worth it in the end.

Words of truth. We can find the way forward if we listen to our hearts and learn to change our thoughts. #inspirational #quote #recovery

Make You Notice

This stands true for me since i've shut down from people, i feel more confident without their negative vibes bringing me down. I was tired of being excluded, and looked down on all while being friendly, polite, & supportive. I'm much more confident now. Self respect has taken away the insecurities. I'm also getting a very sharp intuition as i get older that i listen very closely to.

Yes, confidence is completely silent and it’s true that the opposite of that, insecurity, is extremely loud. They scream in your head, over and over again, telling you that you’re simply not good enough. For me, they are they quite often. Most of the time, I’m pretty good at keeping them under control or quieter, but there’s just some days that I tend to need more reassurance from another person. Well, one person in particular. I know, I know, you don’t need another person to validate your existence. Yeah, yeah. Sure you don’t. Of course you don’t. You can be happy all on your own and give yourself your own meaning, purpose and fulfill your own confidence. This is just my personal opinion, but I think that you’re lying to yourself if you say that you never ever need reassurance from another person. I think that everyone does no matter who you are. Every once and a while, you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to doubt your talents, your purpose, what you look like and the path you have chosen for yourself. Every once and a while, you need someone to tell you that you’re just fine how you are and they love you just the same. For me, every once and a while, I need someone to tell me they think I look pretty in this outfit I’m wearing.

Imperfection By Skillet

Maybe I’m not in a normal situation. I’m going through this whole recovery journey, and it’s really hard for me. I feel guilty, I feel normal, I feel great, I feel sad, I feel happy, and then the whole thing starts back over again. It’s an emotional roller coaster that I’m trying to very hard to get off of. And I think that because I’m on this journey, that I need more reassurance that some people. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I’m ridiculous for wanting someone to tell me that I’m doing everything just fine.

Don’t get me wrong, I know who I am as a person. It took me a really long time to get to this point, but I know who I am now. That was a very long process. I know what I want to do with my life. I don’t need anyone to validate me on either of these things. But is it really so wrong to want to be told that no matter how my body changes and no matter what I look as long as I am still me that you’re still going to love me? I don’t think its unreasonable.

Damn right.... Something I need to yell out often. To remind myself I am a good person and i do deserve the best

I’m not going to apologize for having insecurities however. Now, I know that might seem wrong, but I’m not. These insecurities are a part of me and help mold me into the person I am.

This is who I am. I have insecurities. I need you to say I’m okay. I need a little reassurance every now and again. I know that’s a hard concept for some people to understand, but with me, trying to get better, I think that it helps sometimes.

I’m Not A Doll

So, it’s been a rough couple of days for me. Let’s just say I’m having a lot of bad days in a row. A LOT. Last night, my night ended in hyperventilation and sitting on the couch with my daddy and my new puppy. (His name is Pepper by the way. I think he’s super cute.) But I made the mistake of stepping on the scale and thinking that that number somehow defines me. I know that everyone says that it doesn’t, but I just feel like it does. It’s not like I go around judging people by what they look like, because I absolutely do not!!!! But I feel like people do when they look at me! Ugh, what’s my issue? I mean, I pretty much cried all morning today. I’m just in one of those bad ruts I think.

I’ve been on my favorite place lately, pinterest, and I stumbled upon this video of a girl who reads her poem. It’s beautiful. It made me cry when I watched it. It kind of inspired me to write my own poem, although it is not eloquent, eye opening or helpful as hers, it’s the raw words that my own mind has said over the past 72 hours.

These collarbones will never stick out

But it’s not like I’m actually stout

My thighs are too big, they’ll never form that gap

So I guess I’ll need to dwell on being fat

These bones on my wrist, used to let my charm bracelet hang off it

Now these arms seem thick and make me feel sick

“You’re soooo skinny.” “You just need to eat”

“Why do you worry, you live so thin.” “I wish I could be like you.”

Shut up, shut up, you don’t know what it’s like to have these voices talk all the time

The lines in my abs won’t pop out,

I guess everything has just gone south

Those hip bones live under a layer of fat

What are you going to do about that?

Puke, take pills, run like hell, no matter what you’ll  never get that body back

Give up the cake, chips and junk food

Then being skinny will come easier tomorrow

Eat clean, eat right

That’s how you get the right body type

Cry, hyperventilate and fall on the floor

That’s what this has come to, do I even wanna do this anymore?

Can’t my clothes just hand off, my pants be too big, can’t I just be a twig?

These standards of beauty are just too hard and high

How am I suppose to achieve this, I don’t even know how to try

At The End Of The Day

Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what it is that make us hold it together.

You know what’s frustrating? This feeling:

I feel pathetic. I just feel like, like I’m not pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough, and maybe even ridiculous because I don’t go to work I just go to class.

Do you know what that feels like, not being good enough? Terrible. No, awful. No, I don’t even know the words for that. Anyways, find the worst word that describes the worst feeling, and that’s the word. Peg that word for what that description makes me feel. That’s it. I really have no other words. That’s it. That’s all.

You know what’s frustrating? When the one person you want to talk to at the end of the day doesn’t want to talk to you. I know it’s difficult to talk to me. I know it’s painful and extremely exhausting to listen to me say the same thing ‘that I feel bad’ over and over again. But sometimes that’s what I need. Sometimes that’s all I can say. It’s the only way that I can describe the demons, monsters and name calling that goes on inside my head. I know it’s difficult to listen to me. I know it’s hard to find the right words to comfort me. But what you don’t realize is that all words are comforting. Knowing that you want to listen is comforting. Knowing that you just want to hold me and let me stare at the wall, cry if I feel like it, or let me just ramble on for five minutes straight; that’s comforting. Knowing you want to go through this with me, that’s helpful. I know it all sounds stupid. I know that I sound kind of stupid and a little repetitive. But this is me. You might have to accept it. You might now. But this is me. This is who I am. I’m fighting day in and day out to fix myself. Working up the courage to speak to you and talk to you about what’s going on in my head is scary and it take a tremendous amount of trust.

18 LIFE lessons to be learnt from Greys Anatomy | Heartstring

Opinions Aren’t Facts

GOD didn't add another day in your life because you needed it, He added it because someone out there needs you.

So I’ve been home pretty much all day. I went to class this morning but I just had a test so finally my spring break has started. I’ve had plenty of time today to just think.  I know I posted this morning, but I’ve been thinking about one topic in particular all day: the walls we put up as people. I have a few walls, in which I will describe, but first, the more important thing is the reason I have these walls or why other people put up walls as well.

My first wall is built to keep people’s opinions from hurting me; this is where Ed plays his iconic role. For a very long time now, I’ve worried about what people say to me and think about me. In a sense, I “created” Ed for that. I “created” him so I wouldn’t have to worry what people said because Ed was my voice of reason. Ed was there at the end of the day to judge and scrutinize my progress. He was there to pinpoint out all of my flaws, when I ate too much and what beauty level I was. I wouldn’t have to worry about what my friends, family, strangers or the world’s opinion of me, I had Ed for that. To shield myself from possible hurtful views of others, I created something almost worse, Ed.

I honestly don't care what anyone says or thinks about me, more people need to not care either and quit trying to fit in be yourself

The second wall is just about me. I built it in order to keep others out. I need to guard my heart because people have a tendency to stomp all over it with their dusty boots. I’ve always been the girl on the outside of everything. I don’t remember a time in middle school where I fit in. My group of friends was always planning and doing things without me. Therefore, I kind of felt insignificant and like I wasn’t worth their time. There’s not really a time in my life where I really remember being someone’s actual best friend. I was always just another friend it felt like. These girls usually had sisters so they were automatically closer, or I really was just another friend. It always felt like I didn’t belong. Then there has been my relationship history. Somehow, I seem to get into something where I give my whole, entire heart and everything I have into a relationship and I have someone who doesn’t always return those same actions. Now, these boys weren’t awful, just maybe a bit neglecting at the time. It almost always seemed though, that I gave it all I had and they really didn’t. I got tired of sitting alone, tired of waiting for the phone to ring, and tired of being forgotten. I suddenly went into rooms and accepted that nobody would probably talk to me. I let it be okay with myself that I went to a movie theater by myself and watched a movie. I learned to have fun with myself. But it was isolating and still a little painful.

I thought I needed these walls. I thought they kept me safe from the outside world. I thought they kept me from being let down. I became too accustomed to loneliness and being left out.

Those weren’t good feelings or good walls. I’m in the process of breaking down the second wall right now. I’ve made a friend while in some of my college classes. We’re similar and we have the same aspirations at school. We’re relate-able to each other and I think this is a really good thing for me. I’m pretty thankful for what God is doing in my life right now.

Granger smith- I am the midnight

Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.

It Was Like Slow Motion

 

Have you ever let yourself just completely fall apart and cry on the bathroom floor? Have you ever curled up in a ball in the driver’s seat of your car and just let yourself go? Screamed along with this song that came on the radio because it said they exact words you were thinking? Have you ever stood in the middle of the kitchen and stared at the refrigerator? Have you ever stood in the bathroom with your eyes closed wonder if you were about to make the right choice? And finally, have you ever stared at your dinner plate like it was going to kill you if you ate it?

Sadly, in the past 24 hours, I’ve done every single one of those. Very sadly.

Sad Beautiful Tragic by Taylor Swift

(That’s right, they all look like Ed.)

So what exactly am I getting at? Well I’m not really even sure. I just know that I’ve had many difficult days lately. MANY. It wasn’t until last night that I fully understood part of the reason Ed appeared anyways. The fact like I felt like an insignificant individual 90% of the time has a large part in it. I have always been the second choice to people; the other option when their original one fell through. I guess that through all of that my mind either “created” or allowed Ed to just crawl in one day. At first he was just a visitor that came every so often, then he started to stay a little longer and whisper a little louder. Then suddenly, his voice was as loud as my own, saying that if I was just a little thinner maybe people would pick me as a first choice and not just the second. Ed would clearly state that f you could see my backbone, my hip bones, or that little wrist bone a little bit more, maybe I just might be good enough for someone.  I thought that if I was thinner, people would be more inclined  to befriend me. I don’t know how that makes any sense, but I seem to think that’s how it works. So finally, Ed made his case, I believed him and here I am today. Am I someone’s first choice yet? Not really. Am I someone’s best friend? Well not that I know of exactly…see, I just feel the insignificance. I let Ed stay because he made me feel better. He gave me a task to accomplish. He was always there for me-in my head of course. In a way, I guess you could say that Ed somehow became my imaginary best friend. And if I let go of him, what do I have? I’m letting go of a part of me that I’ve had for quite some time. It’s like losing a part of myself.

The Moment I Knew by Taylor Swift

Some people say I don’t put myself out there enough. Why would I? Every time I have nobody’s been there for me to reach out to. They say that I let little things bother me or I just hurt too easily. I’m just afraid of being hurt and why wouldn’t I be? Every time I’ve attempted to put myself out there nobody’s ever really received them well. I’m just at this point where I’ve accepted that life isn’t like TV. Not everybody has that one best friend. I guess, that maybe you just have your family and that’s who you’re close to. Maybe I’m just too shy and harbor too much anxiety to make a friend. I’m just so terrified of not being liked that I guess it could possibly interfere with my relationships.

And I guess that’s what I’m thinking right now. That’s where my head is at. I’ve been trying to put most of that into words for days now. I’m sure I could’ve explained it more elegantly or descriptively, but I wrote it just as it was flowing from my mind. It’s raw, honest and 100% me.

I Almost Do by Taylor Swift

 

It’s Never Simple, Never Easy

“I’m gonna be sick. I’m gonna be sick. I’m gonna be sick.”

“I’m never gonna get through this. This is just complete torture. I’m never getting better. I’m going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life.”

These are two conversations that I have with myself almost 100% of the time, every single day. I can’t remember the last time that I actually felt good about myself, physically and mentally. All I can ever think about is how bad I look, how sad I feel, or how much food I just ate that I shouldn’t have eaten.  I feel so ridiculous and stupid.

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I ask myself quite often about what I did to deserve this. Why did I get cursed with this disorder…eh, disease, I guess. What made God choose me to have this issue? Why can’t it literally only affect my life as well? I could handle it just a little better if my problem didn’t spread to the rest of the people around me, the few people who care that is.

Why is it that anytime I EVER eat something I get to feel like a complete piece of dirt? I could eat a banana and still think that I’m about to gain 3 pounds from it, or think that it’s about to make my tummy puffy. (Speaking of puffy tummies. That’s how I remember most of this beginning. Well, the beginning when I actually began to tell people. I remember telling my boyfriend at the time that I always thought my tummy was puffy after all my meals, or I would just randomly have my hand on my stomach, or just casually bring it up in conversation somehow. He probably thought I was nuts.)

Anyways, back to my point earlier. Remember that banana I mentioned? Well I feel the same way after eating that banana as I do about eating a hamburger or a peanut butter sandwich. It’s so stupid. I don’t understand what compels me to want to feel this way, or want to work out constantly and do endless crunches. Sometimes I think that this is all my life will be or that this is what my life has come to-being a calorie counting, waist measuring, only eating certain foods, and being a prisoner to workouts. Yay…….eventually I guess that will change.

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I find this hilarious

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Everything Has Changed

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It’s in that moment when you realize that someone literally drove 20 hours across the country that makes you realize that maybe you are something special. This is especially true if you suffer much like I do, where you pretty much feel like you aren’t worth anything. But, just in that split second, in the moment of surprise, you realize everything that God has given you.

What I mean by all of that, is that I’ve been waiting about 9 months for my boyfriend to come back from Afghanistan, and on Friday night, he showed up at our old high school’s football game. I had no idea. Seriously, no idea. I just about had a heart attack. It was the craziest thing that’s ever happened to me. I could’ve sworn that that type of thing only happens in movies. Apparently, it happens in real life too. I’m seriously still on a high from that. Which is good, because it’s going to be at least another month before I get to see him again.

Anyways, I do have a point. Sort of. I should have started out with saying that I get lonely a lot. I go home to my apartment at night, all by myself and I’m just….there. And that causes me to be sad. I don’t even know why or how it happens! Sometimes I just find myself curled up in a ball on my bed, not concentrating on the TV, thinking too hard, or trying to find some sort of homework to do. Try to keep myself busy. I guess that’s a good thing though.

I’m getting off on a rabbit trail I’m afraid. Anyways, whenever I’m starting to feel down, I think that I should just think about so many of the good things that God has given over the course of my life, or better yet, what He is allowing me to have now.  I can’t even believe how He brought us together. It’s all difficult for me to understand, but may be that’s the point of it all. I’m not suppose to understand God’s plan.

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