Tag Archives: monster

Never Really Can Fix A Heart


So here I am, finding myself eating probably an obnoxious amount of raisin bran crunch, but nevertheless, I’m pretty much gorging myself with it. Why am I doing this you ask? I suppose it’s a binge? I’m not even sure I even halfway know what that is. I’m going to choose that word though because it seems to fit. Am I actually hungry or just bored and looking for something to do? I can’t even decide.

Being ashamed of liking food is like being ashamed of liking water or oxygen.  It's actually okay to want to things that keep you alive.

Here I am, eating cereal at 7:30 at night. I feel like that sounds completely pitiful. That’s my food of choice? Really? Of all things to pick I’m going to pick cereal? I guess I still wanted to make a “healthy” choice.  I just feel long I’m dragging myself through this extremely long cycle of bad days. I can’t catch a break. I just feel like every morning I wake up and it’s just another day where I’m going to feel fat or judged on what my stomach looks like. It’s like nothing helps anymore. The other day I literally found myself crying in the middle of a run. I’ve never done that! I’ve never had to stop multiple times during my steady jog to ball my eyes out and gasp for air. I’m actually pretty surprised that nobody stopped me and asked what I was doing. What’s even going on with me? This is beginning to feel just like a big black hole. I find myself asking the question why can’t I simply just not eat? Why can’t I do that? Am I that weak of a person that the mere thought of food compulsively send me on a frantic search for something to eat? Why can’t I just skip a meal or for once not eat 85% of what’s on my plate? I don’t understand what my issue is. How can I have utterly no self restraint or control at all? Am I just some type of failure?

I worked my way through anorexia, bulima and distorted body image and it took me 30 years. I write a book about my healing journey called I've Been There..A Testimony of Hope. I have a board here and the website is www.ibtbook.com

I’m not even sure talking about it even helps anymore. I just want to be okay, I really do. I’m just sad of disappointing people, and disappointing myself. That might be the worst.

"Think Postive and Postive Things Will Happen"



Pulls Her Hair Back As She Screams

Meet Virginia- Train

I heard this song the other night. I’ve known it for the longest time and I’ve liked it, but the other night when I heard it I fell in love with it. Now I’m completely obsessed. I think that I suddenly fell in love with it because it reminds me so much of me. For me, song interpretation can be taken many ways, depending what you are looking for. This song for me is about this girl that doesn’t have the best confidence and doesn’t really like the way she is living.

“Pulls her hair back as she screams….”


“And here she is again on the phone, just like me hates to be alone..” Much like me, I don’t like to be alone. 

“You see her confidence is tragic..” I feel like people could possible think that way about me. 

I’m suppose to go and make an appointment at the clinic this week, but I’ve yet to do that. I think that I’m avoiding it because honestly, its not something that I really care to talk about. It’s painful and that’s not something I really want to think/feel right now. Therefore, if I don’t go to the clinic, I don’t have to feel it. I don’t want to go in there and have to say, I suck at life, I can’t fix this and I’m not any better. Is there anything that we can even do anymore, or am I just like this? I guess I will never know unless I keep trying. I’m just, SO sick of crying. I’m SO sick of hurting. I’m tired of my heart feeling broken.  I thought that only love was suppose to break your heart? Geez, was I wrong. Sometimes, I don’t even want people to feel sorry for me. I think I’m suppose to be like this, so why should they bother to fee bad for me? I don’t think that I want to talk about it out loud because I feel like they can heart the pain and breaking in my voice as well as the pain written all over my face. I’m just…tired.



“Sweeter Than Fiction”- Taylor Swift



Monster in the closet,

Monster in the hall,

The monster gets a hold of me and I have no one to call,

He lives inside my bedroom,

And in the kitchen cabinet,

He’s always telling me I can break my bad habits

I’m friends with the monster under my bed,

But I’m fairly sure he’d prefer me dead,

He stirs in the night and keeps me awake,

He always puts to much on my plate,

But most of the time he makes me hate

He makes me think I’m crazy,

Sometimes even lazy,

Tells me I’m not good enough,

and no one can ever save me,

He let’s me cry myself to sleep at night,

Thinking things will be better in morning light,

He tells me I’m unwanted and I can never know real love

I’ll like to give him a real good shove,

He screams at me and throws a fit,

Sometimes I think he’ll never quit

Just one moment of peace and quiet

He’d never go for that, just throw a riot

The monster’s name is ED,

But unfortunately he doesn’t live under my bed

But I know all this can’t be true,

I have a purpose and it’s not to be used,

There’s something great inside of me,

If he’d just be quiet he would see

I’m friends with the monster under my bed

but unfortunately, he lives inside my head