Tag Archives: music

Bring Me Black Roses

“You can throw your words,
sharper than a knife…”

Those are the words in the first verse of “Black Roses” by Scarlett O’Conner, or Clare Bowen of ABC’s Nashville. While on the show she writes the song about her terrible relationship with her mother, I-of course- relate the song to none other than my ed.

“Now you only bring me black roses,
and they crumble into dust when they’re held
Now you only bring me black roses,
under your spell…”

The first time I heard this song in it’s full entirety, tears welled up in my eyes and I had to try my hardest not to cry. I happened to be in a room with a bunch of people and I do enough crying so I really didn’t need them to see me cry more than I already do. But I felt this way, because I finally got to hear someone else struggle with something so deep and so dark that they can actually make me feel the same pain that they feel; which happens to be the same pain I feel because of my eating disorder. I’m under Ed’s spell. I really, truly am. I have to learn how to break free.

“Now you only bring me black roses,
and they crumble into dust when they’re held
Now you only bring me black roses,
under your spell…”

When I’m belting this song out at the top of my lungs in my car I literally feel like I’m screaming and yelling at Ed for what he has done to me and how he has made me feel. I’m telling Ed that he’s not good for me, that he clouds my eyes with lies, and that he fills my head with ugly pictures of myself. He’s an awful, terrible, horrible,  person. Who does that to another person?! Who crawls into someone’s personal thoughts and repeatedly says ‘you’re not good enough’, ‘you’re wrong’, or ‘you’re never going to be pretty’? Ed does, that’s who.

“And I’m done trying to be the one picking up the broken pieces, and I’m done trying to be the one who says I love you dear but I’m leaving…”

I’m done. 

I’m done picking up the pieces of myself. Over and Over and Over and Over again. 

Because I literally cannot do this to myself anymore. I can’t feel back anymore. It’s painful. It takes from my joy. It physically pains my heart. Don’t I deserve to be happy? I think I do. And that’s all that truly matters doesn’t it?

“Now you only bring me black roses but I’m not under your spell
I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell…”

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In Her Simple Little Way

A Thing About You - Hunter Hayes

I go through a lot of these emotions throughout the week. Many times they range from self loathing, self love and then finally a tiny smidgen of self acceptance. Sometimes in the middle of the day, I find myself saying, ‘don’t worry about what other people think you look like. You have to accept yourself.’ Blah, blah, blah. Sure those  words are good, pure and they pave a road filled with wonderful intentions, but do I really, fully, truly believe that???

I know that I talk about embracing yourself and all your imperfections, but the truth is, currently that’s my journey and what I’m currently trying to tackle. I’m trying to be a girl..err woman (I am 20 after all)..that doesn’t require validation from anyone whether it be men, friends, instragram or any person other than me. That’s an extremely difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around. For most people, I believe that its completely normal for people want to be told that they look nice. But for me, I’m trying to shy away from that. Because I have this horrendous crippling eating disorder, I’m trying to do this whole self acceptance angle.  I’m trying my very, very best.

I just want to prove Ed wrong. That’s all. I want him to be gone, once and for all.

Proved You Wrong- Cassadee Pope

We just need to be………..

Miranda Lambert lyrics

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Let’s take the idea of running away. For a long while now, I’ve contemplated running away. Not that I know where I would run away to. I often think about going to Ireland, or Disneyworld or someplace magically. But I watched The Wizard of Oz the other night, and that got me thinking….about somewhere over the rainbow.

Cinderella's Castle at Disneyworld - light show for 'A Magical Gathering of Disney Dreams' (Photo by Nick Minore)

There’s a concept; what if there really is a place beyond the rainbow? What if it’s a safe place where there are no troubles? Where they melt like lemon drops? 😉 But just for a second, just a simple second, think about what life would be like if there was a magical place you could go like that? That seems so simple. If all your troubles could just fade away by chasing a rainbow and finding the other side of it. I just love that idea.

Oh, how I love this so.- my favorite movie in the whole wide world

Maybe that’s the whole point of the song or the concept though. Maybe we have to create our own ‘over the rainbow’. We have to come up with a place that makes us feel safe, calm, relaxed and like our troubles can simply melt away. No, we can’t stay over the rainbow forever, but we can spend a little of our time there. If we create our own land of Oz that’s somewhere over the rainbow. We create our own magic.

I happen to love The Wizard of Oz, so that song just hold a special place in my heart. I think the song can be interpreted a number ways, and for me it’s about escaping what my current troubles seem to be.

Quote of "The Wizard of OZ"!!

 

 

Pulls Her Hair Back As She Screams

Meet Virginia- Train

I heard this song the other night. I’ve known it for the longest time and I’ve liked it, but the other night when I heard it I fell in love with it. Now I’m completely obsessed. I think that I suddenly fell in love with it because it reminds me so much of me. For me, song interpretation can be taken many ways, depending what you are looking for. This song for me is about this girl that doesn’t have the best confidence and doesn’t really like the way she is living.

“Pulls her hair back as she screams….”

 

“And here she is again on the phone, just like me hates to be alone..” Much like me, I don’t like to be alone. 

“You see her confidence is tragic..” I feel like people could possible think that way about me. 

I’m suppose to go and make an appointment at the clinic this week, but I’ve yet to do that. I think that I’m avoiding it because honestly, its not something that I really care to talk about. It’s painful and that’s not something I really want to think/feel right now. Therefore, if I don’t go to the clinic, I don’t have to feel it. I don’t want to go in there and have to say, I suck at life, I can’t fix this and I’m not any better. Is there anything that we can even do anymore, or am I just like this? I guess I will never know unless I keep trying. I’m just, SO sick of crying. I’m SO sick of hurting. I’m tired of my heart feeling broken.  I thought that only love was suppose to break your heart? Geez, was I wrong. Sometimes, I don’t even want people to feel sorry for me. I think I’m suppose to be like this, so why should they bother to fee bad for me? I don’t think that I want to talk about it out loud because I feel like they can heart the pain and breaking in my voice as well as the pain written all over my face. I’m just…tired.

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“Sweeter Than Fiction”- Taylor Swift

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