Tag Archives: Nashville

Blazing Hearts

You were the girl with the blazing heart on fire….

I was watching Nashville last night and Lennon and Maisy sang this amazing song. At first listen, I didn’t really catch what it was saying to me, but this morning when I looked it up, I pretty much heard exactly what it meant.

Free as a dress in the breeze hanging on a laundry line, in the sunshine….

Even if it’s just for 2 measly seconds, we all know what it’s like to feel free. I know that feeling, it’s pretty amazing. Sometimes throughout the day I will just randomly feel this way. All of a sudden I can feel empowered and like I’m ready to conquer anything, which is something rare these days. Usually I feel so bogged down from all of this school work (which is literally taking over my life!!!!) but sometimes in the middle of it all, I can feel some freedom. Sometimes, I can feel like I’m in control. This song talks about how everyone goes through this, everyone gets a little down on themselves.

Who threw the punch that you couldn’t handle, what came along and blew out your candle?

Well….I think we all know who. But how does that happen? I still have yet to understand how I have managed to develop this disease over my life. I don’t mean to play the “poor me” card. I’m just saying, how did I get picked so to speak? That’s the old way of my thinking, they why. Now I should be thinking, how do I change that? How do I get myself to overcome this? I’m stronger than he is…I am.

Maybe it’s just yourself that you’re fighting, keeping the shine in your star from rising…

Technically it is just myself that I’m fighting…but it really is more than that. I don’t mean to keep myself down, but am I unintentionally doing this? I think that lately I just feel really down, almost depressed. I feel like nothing is going right these days, like I can’t get anything to go my way. This has been one of the hardest semesters of my life, just with all the complications and basically just transitioning into becoming an almost full functioning adult. I’m just tired of fighting the same battles all the time and tired of having the same conversations over and over and overrrrrrr.

….Gotta light it back up, gotta get back up.

But just like these young girls clearly say, you’ve just got to get back up, have to pick yourself back up off the ground and keep going. Keep fighting. Eventually something has to go in my favor, right? It’ll get better….I think. (:

Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can.

You were the girl with the blazing heart on fire ❤

Bring Me Black Roses

“You can throw your words,
sharper than a knife…”

Those are the words in the first verse of “Black Roses” by Scarlett O’Conner, or Clare Bowen of ABC’s Nashville. While on the show she writes the song about her terrible relationship with her mother, I-of course- relate the song to none other than my ed.

“Now you only bring me black roses,
and they crumble into dust when they’re held
Now you only bring me black roses,
under your spell…”

The first time I heard this song in it’s full entirety, tears welled up in my eyes and I had to try my hardest not to cry. I happened to be in a room with a bunch of people and I do enough crying so I really didn’t need them to see me cry more than I already do. But I felt this way, because I finally got to hear someone else struggle with something so deep and so dark that they can actually make me feel the same pain that they feel; which happens to be the same pain I feel because of my eating disorder. I’m under Ed’s spell. I really, truly am. I have to learn how to break free.

“Now you only bring me black roses,
and they crumble into dust when they’re held
Now you only bring me black roses,
under your spell…”

When I’m belting this song out at the top of my lungs in my car I literally feel like I’m screaming and yelling at Ed for what he has done to me and how he has made me feel. I’m telling Ed that he’s not good for me, that he clouds my eyes with lies, and that he fills my head with ugly pictures of myself. He’s an awful, terrible, horrible,  person. Who does that to another person?! Who crawls into someone’s personal thoughts and repeatedly says ‘you’re not good enough’, ‘you’re wrong’, or ‘you’re never going to be pretty’? Ed does, that’s who.

“And I’m done trying to be the one picking up the broken pieces, and I’m done trying to be the one who says I love you dear but I’m leaving…”

I’m done. 

I’m done picking up the pieces of myself. Over and Over and Over and Over again. 

Because I literally cannot do this to myself anymore. I can’t feel back anymore. It’s painful. It takes from my joy. It physically pains my heart. Don’t I deserve to be happy? I think I do. And that’s all that truly matters doesn’t it?

“Now you only bring me black roses but I’m not under your spell
I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell…”