Tag Archives: positive

Positive Vibes From Gingerbread Men

Baking Adventures!!!! I’ve been following this blog called Running With Spoons —> http://www.runningwithspoons.com/

And she has a whole bunch of recipes for not only dinner or snacks but some desserts/breakfasts also. Like I mentioned the other day I had these old spotty bananas that I didn’t really want to throw away. It just felt wasteful and I LOVE bananas. So I found a recipe on her blog called Banana Oat Greek Yogurt Muffins.

http://www.runningwithspoons.com/2014/06/24/banana-oat-greek-yogurt-muffins/

They combine so many of my favorite things: bananas, Greek yogurt and chocolate. What’s not to like?! So I made them 🙂

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They turned out fantastic! Baking win! I really love the banana and chocolate taste together.

In other news, today I went to run some errands in Angelo and do a little bit of grocery shopping. We didn’t need that much really but we were a little low on a few things that NEED to be stocked in the pantry. While I was at the store I remembered these Pepperidge Farm cookies that a makeup woman on Youtube mentioned the other day (MakeupByTiffanyD). She was actually talking about the Gingerbread Family cookies, but I think that they only make those during the actual holiday season. I settled for these Gingerman cookies instead. I love gingerbread…okay, seriously I love all things that smell and taste like holiday! Except eggnog, I don’t know how I feel about that beverage.

Anyways, I just decided that I needed these so I took a flying leap off a ledge, diverting from the very safe food list (even though I did read the nutrition facts) and bought them. I even HAD to try them in the car.

Aren’t they just super cute on their own?! How can you resist? In case you were wondering, they do smell magnificent and remind me of Christmas. Also, they taste pretty awesome if you are a gingerbread lover like I am.

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Not too much going on right now, just trying to keep myself and my thoughts going in a positive direction.

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These Wildest Dreams

The world isn’t black and white. Recovery isn’t black and white either. Not too long ago, I thought it was only in my wildest dreams. It’s not though! Recovery is about forging a new path in the snow. It’s like the coach I met with me said, “Recovery is like taking a sled and going down a snowy hill. You’ve been going down the same path for SO long that the tracks from the sled are carved so deeply in the snow that making a new path seems absolutely terrifying. But that’s recovery. That’s what we have to do!! The first couple of times, it’s bumpy, you may fall off, there are unexpected twists and turns, but eventually you get to the bottom. Then, you climb back up and do it ALL over again. The more we create and form the new path, the easier it gets.”

North Lake Tahoe

That’s what I’ve been doing for the past 2 weeks, forming a new path in my head and creating new habits. I’ve been trying to let go of fear and learn more about me. Recovery is about a journey to your true self. The actual person you are, your authentic self. The self without the eating disorder. I have goals, wants and needs outside the eating disorder part of me. That part of me doesn’t call all the shots! The part of me that’s constantly scared, fearful of other’s opinions, anxiety ridden, and that walks around so bogged down from fear that I’m tired and can’t be happy sometimes is NOT my authentic self! I have to learn to listen to myself, to listen to my body and what it wants. Without constantly catering to what the eating disorder part of me wants, I can have more time to focus on other things….like finding an actual hobby. This week alone, I read books I wanted to, cleaned, changed our bed set up, and even baked something (that was a slight fiasco). Nevertheless, I did have some time to focus on other things. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard as hell some days. You know that saying, “fall down three times, stand back up four times”? Or whatever it is. Yeah, that’s what I’m living.

One of my favorite quotes

Not every day is easy. Not every day is even fun. Life isn’t happy-go-lucky as soon as you decide to just stop listening to the eating disorder part of you. It’s still there. It’s still real. It still hurts! But, that’s what recovery is about. It’s about saying “hey, eating disorder voice, I hear you, I hear what you’re saying, but I’m not going to deal with/listen to you right now. I’m going to go do….” Eating disorder recovery is about healing and part of that healing is learning about yourself. Which brings me to my next point…it’s about loving, accepting and being proud of yourself.

I'll be fine if they don't:

We live in a world where people preach confidence and then turn right around and criticize you for being confident and proud of yourself. I’m about to tell you that I’m learning to accept myself by saying “I am who I am. If you like me, great and if you don’t like me, that’s great too. But this is me, and I’m going to go on and be myself.’  I’m learning to try to be an actual friend to myself. I’m proud of myself for realizing that I need help. I’m proud of myself for meeting with someone. I’m proud of myself for being about to try and make a new path. I’m proud of myself for almost being through with student teaching (I finished my last evaluation this week.) I’m proud of myself for doing student teaching and somehow managing to get married in the middle! I’m proud of all of the things that my body can somehow manage to, and finally, I’m proud of myself for about to be a college graduate. I’m never actually thought it was okay to be proud of myself, but I had a short conversation with my coach today and she said to write down all of the things I was proud of myself for. She also said it’s great to be proud of yourself! That’s self-acceptance!!!! So, there is it. I’m proud of myself. You should be proud of yourself too.

I know I need help. I have hurt people and never intended to. And that I can't live with cause I hurt the most important person in my life and I have lost her. I can't do this alone. So nervous and scared yet hopefully to be going to pine lodge tomorow. I know it's gonna be tough but so what I need. I surrender cause my way isn't working for me.

In the spirit of the season of thankfulness (considering Thanksgiving is less than a week from today), on my way home I realized that I have so many things to be thankful for. I’m actually happy. I’m so incredibly blessed by everything that surrounds me and that has happened to me in the past couple of months. I’m thankful for my family (the new and old), my friends (especially the ones who have been with me through thick and thin…nudge, nudge), KIDS to teach, music, writing, books, GOD and the opportunities that I have been given in this life BY HIM. I find myself full of gratitude and looking at the world in a positive light rather than negative. Life is beautiful.  Stay Fearless, y’all ❤

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Mood Ring

So I should have written this post the weekend of the 4th of July…..but I was literally too lazy to take the time to sit down and type. But I am doing it now, so that has to count for something right???

There’s been moments over the past few days (the July 4th weekend), that make me feel like my heart is overflowing. I find myself positively overcome with joy, love and tranquility that can only come from the Lord. Only from there. Because He loves me and us and I have the PRIVILEGE of “feeling” and “experiencing” love. How amazing is that? Soak it in. What a concept! God’s love allows us to live. It allows me to eat something terrifying (aka the peanut butter sandwich I had for lunch). It allowed me to fall in love. In love….there’s another amazing feeling. I can’t even express the pure joy this concept brings me. I can’t even grasp it. But the Lord is amazing, y’all! He allowed me to live in the wonderful country of the United States and He created people that love and are devoted enough to risk their life to protect the country God created and protect the citizens. Those willing participants are so so vital. It reminds me that God is good. Watching the fireworks yesterday while driving reminded me that the Lord provides, loves and protects.  I was in complete awe of that.  When the troubles of the world have you scared, nervous and anxious as it so often does today, remember all of the numerous wonderful things God does.

Marcy would've loved this one, hope ours is just as good. Love you and miss you, especially today.God’s hand is everywhere, take a look around. Whether it’s the random flower/tree, the love of your life next to you, your parents, sibling, or anything else imaginable, God is present.

never came to my mind so this always happens to me I am always who the WORLD wants me to be not who I want to be

The only way that I will heal and slowly feel better and possibly hear Ed less is with God. I know that everyone “sees” me feeling/doing better. In a way, that’s only slightly true. No, I don’t cry up against the bathroom door anymore, and no I don’t dig my nails deep into my thighs, but I still can’t go 1 day without running, I can’t go to a restaurant and order just anything; I can’t even walk into a restaurant without already having seen the menu and knowing calorie content.  But, I can’t do this by myself. I’ve learned this in the most difficult way. I cannot. I forget this all too often. Those fireworks reminded me in the strangest way. Honestly, the old cliche is true, God works in mysterious ways.

Perfect Peace comes from The Lord You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. -Isaiah 26:3 #peace....More at http://ibibleverses.com

The fireworks changed like mood rings and each color in a mood ring represents a different emotion, much like god has different qualities. God kind of has his own color chart.

hmm...i've been wearing a lot of purple lately....i used to be a black wearer and before that into green, turquoise and blues

Fighting Dragons With You

  • REVOLUTION
  • VARIATION
  • INNOVATION
  • SHIFT
  • ADJUSTMENT
  • MODIFICATION
  • REMODEL
  • METAMORPHOSIS
  • RECONSTRUCTION
  • TRANSFORMATION
  • REFINEMENT

Or simply put, change.


Sweeter Than Fiction

It was recently pointed out to me the other day that I’m pretty open about my eating disorder.  I’m gonna go ahead and assume that it’s a positive comment. It got me thinking, I didn’t used to be that way. In the very beginning I was really reserved. Literally, only family and 2 maybe 3 people outside of that knew what I was going through. Even when I first started my blog I hadn’t posted it on my own personal social media so that people who even kind of knew me could see what I think and feel. Even in early/middle of October I still hadn’t really let on to many people that I was going through this terrible time in my life. However, it was around that time that I decided that I wanted to speak to the youth about my personal struggle and how you have to be careful about what you say to others. But there is a reason I’m open now. I know that I always wished for someone to help me while I was going through this. If I can help someone, help them understand, by simply putting it out there how I feel, how I think and it would impact them in a positive way, why wouldn’t I do that?

Anyways, this morning I was jamming out to some old school T-Swift when Change came on my radio. You should’ve seen me in the car. I’m pretty sure I was doing some entertaining dancing. I don’t even care! In the moment, all I’m experiencing what it felt like for 3 minutes to be free. Literally all I thought about when that song was playing was me and my recovery and how you have to fight to get through it. You literally have to fight tooth and nail, use your fingernails and claw and crawl your way to the top.

“We’re faster and never scared”

Recovery is a really scary and serious process. You already feel a whirlwind of emotions constantly, and sitting in therapy only brings the nasty and negative thoughts to the surface. When I started out, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do this. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be “The Kairos without the eating disorder”. I didn’t want to be better. I was absolutely terrified, and rightfully so. I was afraid to find out who I was without my eating disorder or without it constantly breathing down my neck and over analyzing my every waking move. I had this giant misconception though. I was under the impression that once you enter recovery the eating disorder, negative thoughts and self loathing magically disappear and you become a totally new person. Wrong. So Wrong. I don’t believe that for a second. Yes, you do change, but not the the way I was originally thinking. I’m still the same person. I still have some negative thoughts, they just aren’t as dark or frequent. That’s always going to be a major part of me. It doesn’t erase or become invisible, which is something I thought was going to happen.  My eating disorder will always be a part of my life history and why I do some of things I do, but I don’t have to be chained to being “The girl with the eating disorder”. 

There comes a point where things ‘change’.

There comes a point where ‘the walls they put up fall down’.

There comes a point where coming into the slightest, tiniest bit of recovery makes you a ‘champion tonight’.

- Taylor Swift

One Night At A Time

"Your Plan" -Dustin Lynch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roB7vX2N4cs

Last week was my first week back at school…oh the joy. I haven’t had time to go back my counselor’s office, nor have I really decided what I want to do when it comes to that department. I decided that the best method to her know that I did survive my summer classes and didn’t die from excessive work overdose 😉 that I would just send her an email. Now, this summer has been interesting to me. I think that this summer was the first in a very long time I haven’t felt like I was trapped with this ED or like it’s controlling my life the entire summer. So, well, I pretty much said that in my email. Keeping it simple. I also told her that this summer has been another first for me…this is muchhhhhh more important than what I just said. I told her that after a whole year of therapy and even the whole summer, that I think that I finally can consider myself “in recovery”. That may not seem like much to you, but it really it. It’s the ultimate goal for me and I assume for many others burdened with eating disorders.

I’m not saying that I don’t have bad days, because I definitely do.

However, I am saying that I do, in fact, feel more “okay” about myself. I don’t feel “good” or “great” yet, and maybe I never will. I’m just not sure; I’m not to that point in my recovery process or life so how could I even fathom what it’s going to be like down the road????? Right now I’m just pretty pleased with the fact that I’m not flinging myself on the bathroom tile and crying, or stabbing my fingernails into my upper thighs while I cry or try to prevent the crying. I don’t have a fear of breaking down in the middle of class or having to refrain from interjecting my opinion because it wouldn’t be exactly what somebody wants to hear. I’ve come a long way in the past year and a half y’all.

But what my therapist said probably helped me more than what I typed out:

I loved that she was just so ecstatic for me!! That’s exactly what I needed and her quote that she gave me made me feel even better. It made me feel like I was doing something right and like I had been actually working hard enough to achieve something.

These days, I’m really really thankful for those who help me through this.

Anxiety Jeans

I’m been having quite few bad/off days lately and for a while, I couldn’t put my finger on what was bothering me so much. Well, aside from the fact that I literally have on going battle and a long road to full recovery, I decided that it had to do with this upcoming weekend. Now, don’t laugh when you read this. Pretty please. One word, 5 letters.

PANTS.

This weekend it is my hometowns rodeo, and I usually go, which isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, it’s just a rodeo, what’s the big deal right? And what do pants have to do with anything? Good question, I’m sooo glad you asked. Well, normal people that don’t think about food, body image and how others perceive them every second  don’t even think twice about putting on their clothes. To them putting on their pants is merely another step to getting ready for the day or whatever event they go to. For me though, pants are apart of a very scary thing to me. It scares me to even think about the idea of putting these pants on in 3 days. I have actually purposely been avoiding wearing jeans for months now. I love these jeans that I own, they just put this gigantic shock wave of fear pulsing throughout my body.

Find These At Missme.com And Some Western Stores Near You!

 I feel so incredibly silly saying that I have this fear of my own blue jeans! It sounds goofy. This is a legitimate fear for me though. For me to put these pants on is a huge step. I’m going to do it, so there are no worries there, but it’s going to take a huge amount of effort. I’m going to take control of those jeans, pull them on and show them who is really the boss here. I can do this.

Here’s my final point I want to make. Let’s all remember to think before we speak please. It’s such a true statement that you never truly know what is going through a person’s mind. They could be stressing over their job, their relationship, money, or having thoughts that they simply aren’t good enough to be in those blue jeans they have on. Just remember, everyone is going through something, whether they look like it or not; because not everyone actually looks like they are suffering from an eating disorder.

So very very true. I always try to choose my words so as not to seem like I don't care or that they don't understand. To those fighting your silent battles, be strong :) you will conquer all things!

Red High Heels

So, I haven’t written lately but I think that’s because I’ve felt pretty good lately. That could be a product of a couple different things. I think I’ve gotten my medicine under control and to the right dose that actually helps me and doesn’t have me all messed up somehow. I’ve got a best friend and the best boyfriend I could ever ask for and a puppy that’s absolutely adorable and who has totally stolen my heart.  For now, and for the first time in a while, I think that things are going really well for me.

Anyways, I’ve been listening to Kellie Pickler tonight and I’ve heard her songs before and I’ve liked her but I never listened to all of her songs. I came across her, Don’t You Know You’re Beautiful song. That’s a really difficult for me to accept, as well as many other girls in the world. There’s just always a constant feeling of you’re not good enough. But as I listen to that song, I continually think, “hey, you know what, you’re totally right Kellie Pickler, I’m beautiful. I don’t need to change that. I’m fine that way I am.”

Really, the moral of the story here, is that, it someone doesn’t accept you or like you for exactly who you are, screw them. Okay, okay, I know there’s a more polite way to word that and that’s awfully blunt, but in the end, that’s exactly what it comes down to.  If you let someone into your life and all they want to do is change you, that’s absolutely ridiculous! I’ve heard it said before that before someone can love you, you have to love yourself. I agree with that but only to a point. I think that before someone can love you, you have to merely accept yourself first. To  truly allow yourself to be loved to your full potential and allow yourself to fully love someone else, you have to accept yourself as you all, with all your flaws, strengths, fears and triumphs. You have to begin to understand that even as screwed up as you think you are, someone else can think you’re perfect and that you hung the moon. It’s all about perception. 

Ever Changing Size Chart

Is anyone else left scratching their head when it comes to clothing sizes or is it just me? When your mother was younger did it seem like it was more common for more slender women to wear larger clothing sizes. Not everyone was a size 0, 2 or 4 then. It was normal for women to wear a size 8 and still be considered on the lower end of the weight charts. So, I decided to do a little research to figure out what’s going on with this mystery sizing.

http://blogs.webmd.com/pamela-peeke-md/2010/01/just-what-is-an-average-womans-size-anymore.html

Apparently in 1983, the United States Department of Commerce chose to uniform sizing system because the current one didn’t reflect the new sizes of people. If you take a look at the sizes and average size of women from years back are dramatically different. About 50 years ago, the average American woman was about 5’4” with a waist size of 24-25” and weighed around 120 pounds actually worse a size 8! But in today’s society, the average woman is 5’4”, weighs 140-150 pounds, has a waist of 34-35” and wears a size 12-14. What??? 

Since vanity is so important  in today’s time, from models to movie stars, in order to change to fit the mold the designers have changed the sizes so that sizes that are actually larger are marked as smaller! So, therefore, what was a size 8 in 1950, is currently a size 4  or smaller in today’s system. I don’t know if that startles anyone else, but it freaks me out a little and make me wonder why that was really necessary. Why did the whole sizing system need to change? Was being a size 0 really that important? Let’s just think about the fact that what used to be a size 8, is not a size 4. Size 8=Size 4. Arrggg, bleh, what?! I can’t even piece that together in my mind or make that connection to the sizes.  This just really frustrates me.

Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly share some words backstage at the 28th Annual Academy Awards, 1956.

Grace Kelly & Audrey Hepburn 1956

Marilyn Monroe - Oscars Most Breath Taking Gowns

Marilyn Monroe

Favorite Actress: Kate Winslet    Beautiful, Beyond-Talented, Real to the Core. Titanic, Revolutionary Road, The Reader, Little Children, Mildred Pierce, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...she makes any movie worth seeing!

Kate Winslet

Whitney Thompson

Whitney Thompson

The Bathroom Sink

It’s amazing the amount of rejection that I see
In my reflection and I can’t get out of the way

So, Miranda Lambert’s new album Platinum came out today. In case you didn’t know this about me, I happen to be a pretty big Miranda fan. I love her. I loved her when she was first starting out and just a small town East Texas girl and I love her still even though she’s finally being recognized.  What I used to love about her is that she was never ashamed of her body for the way it was. She always felt beautiful and comfortable in her own skin. Now, even though she’s revamped her body and gotten it toned, to a smaller size and is now eating healthier, she is still someone to look up to regarding body image. She doesn’t let other people tell her how she should look. 

Miranda Lambert

“Bathroom Sink” is one of the songs on her new record. I’m really loving it because it shows that even she struggles with body image. It’s saying that the bathroom sink, a.k.a. the mirror, gives us all problems. For me, it usually tells me I’m not good enough. That’s why I bolded my favorite line from the song. It’s really easy to see rejection and flaws in myself, however, I can’t stop standing in front of that stupid mirror and picking at all of my “flaws”. Glamour is a really easy way to hide yourself, to hide your feelings and flaws and try to make yourself feel better and more presentable. But it’s not everything and all the amount of makeup, glitter, and pretty clothes can’t make up for a lack of confidence. What you think of yourself is pretty important. It’s the most important opinion, not someone else’s.

It all gets complicated
sometimes overrated
Glamour at its finest
Just means someone’s hiding
From their own reality and the mirror at their bathroom sink

I really relate to and love this song because while it is talking about how that mirror and bathroom can make you feel completely awful, at the same time, it’s not important and you can find your own power over it.  You can take all of the self criticism and put it to good use. You can either let it weigh you down or you can let it go and “clean up the bathroom sink” and go on with the rest of the day. You can’t “spend too much time in front of the bathroom sink.” 

All of that is easier said than done, especially for me. But one day, I think that I can take the mirror’s power and let it go elsewhere.

I’m lookin’ forward to the girl I wanna be…
Miranda Lambert & her airstreams, Platinum Album - June 3 2014

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Let’s take the idea of running away. For a long while now, I’ve contemplated running away. Not that I know where I would run away to. I often think about going to Ireland, or Disneyworld or someplace magically. But I watched The Wizard of Oz the other night, and that got me thinking….about somewhere over the rainbow.

Cinderella's Castle at Disneyworld - light show for 'A Magical Gathering of Disney Dreams' (Photo by Nick Minore)

There’s a concept; what if there really is a place beyond the rainbow? What if it’s a safe place where there are no troubles? Where they melt like lemon drops? 😉 But just for a second, just a simple second, think about what life would be like if there was a magical place you could go like that? That seems so simple. If all your troubles could just fade away by chasing a rainbow and finding the other side of it. I just love that idea.

Oh, how I love this so.- my favorite movie in the whole wide world

Maybe that’s the whole point of the song or the concept though. Maybe we have to create our own ‘over the rainbow’. We have to come up with a place that makes us feel safe, calm, relaxed and like our troubles can simply melt away. No, we can’t stay over the rainbow forever, but we can spend a little of our time there. If we create our own land of Oz that’s somewhere over the rainbow. We create our own magic.

I happen to love The Wizard of Oz, so that song just hold a special place in my heart. I think the song can be interpreted a number ways, and for me it’s about escaping what my current troubles seem to be.

Quote of "The Wizard of OZ"!!