I finally had my appointment today with my therapist. I actually was feeling pretty anxious about it. I didn’t want to go in at all. I didn’t want to go in there and have to say that I failed or that I feel sad or that I’m still in the exact same thing at a month ago. I feel like this broken record saying the same thing, over and over again. Is that how it’s suppose to be? I said something to my therapist today actually that I just realized. I’m a perfectionist and the reason I feel like a failure is because I can’t overcome the eating disorder and I can’t obtain the results that the eating disorder wants me to be. It’s both ends of the spectrum fighting each other. Do you realize how impossible that sounds? How can you achieve both of those things at once?! Right, you can’t! I also think that I’m a bit of a “people pleaser” and therefore I feel bad when the people that are trying to be a support system don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t know what to say to me either. It’s really just a combination of all this compliments/encouragements of sorts that I need. I just need to hear the words that I’m doing okay (i.e. great, fine, doing the right thing, **insert positive comment here**) I just want to let go.
Yesterday, I was on this website where I was reading all these positive and inspirational recovery stories that made me hopeful and made me believe that I can do this. I can win this battle. I just have to keep getting up everyday and be willing to cope, be willing to fight, be willing to cry and be willing to pick myself up off the bathroom floor and keep going.
I also ran across this really neat app yesterday! (Thanks, Pinterest 😉 ) It’s called Recovery Recorder. It’s an app where you enter your meals, workouts, feelings, and all sorts of other eating disorder related questions. I was so excited when I found it; it’s honestly almost ridiculous how excited I was. The app alerts you every time around a meal time and say it’s time to log a meal, and at the end of each entry, it gives you some sort of positive quotation. I’m really liking that idea.