Tag Archives: relationships

Christmas Time Is Here

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Ah, Andy Williams (he’s apparently the first one to sing it.) Anyways, Christmas time 🙂

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source: http://www.prettydesigns.com/35-christmas-quotes-you-will-love/

I haven’t written in a very, very, very long time. Mainly because I have so much to do these days and I have all these adult responsibilities now. I feel so old…ha. Even when I do get a spare moment, I like to just sit, or clean something, watch TV, of trying to frantically finish this cross stitch chart I’m doing. Tonight though, I attended the Christmas pageant at my church. This is where all the kiddos in the church get up and act out/sing about the birth of Jesus. It’s the sweetest thing! I was sitting there listening to them and watching them and laughing at/enjoying all their little quirks which got me thinking about the students in my classroom that I’m with every single day. I was sitting there trying to soak it all it and I realized that…..this is what life is about. Life is about singing, rejoicing, talking, laughing, playing, and wondering. It’s not supposed to be difficult. You aren’t supposed to spend every minute trying to control and fix every little thing. It’s about freedom and enjoying yourself and life. I was sitting in a pew with all these thoughts swirling around and coming to me and filling my heart. Maybe it’s just the Christmas spirit coming into my heart and filling it to the brim. I’m choosing to think something else though. Maybe this is God stepping into my heart and filling it even more. I found myself listening to the lyrics of Joy To The World and thinking about how much joy I was feeling and how thankful I am about how far I have come since August.

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Halloween

It’s been a long and rough 4ish months. I’m a new, first year teacher and things were TOUGH at the beginning. I found myself in tears so often and thinking I would never get the hang of anything and like I was going to have to find a different career path because this was NOT working. But I stuck it out, I dragged myself through it every day. It was hard. It was so freaking hard. But about a week ago when my students were writing letters to Santa (and telling me seamlessly unending stories about their Elf on a Shelf), I found myself reflecting on how we are almost to the end of the semester and how far I have come and how far the students in my room have come. This isn’t so bad anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like the cliffhanger at the end of a TV show each week. “Tune in next week to find out what happens on Mrs. Powell’s Corral. Will she get all her grading done? Will she be prepped and ready for next week? Will all the parents remember to pick up their children?” It’s been an interesting ride and quite the learning process so far and I can only imagine what the second semester will bring.

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I’ve come quite far in a number of aspects in life.

(Fall Festival Day. Can you see my holiday leggings?! Yes, I did find quite a few Christmas pairs!)

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That’s not to say that Ed hasn’t been here with me the last 4 months. Boy, has he. He’s there every day. But most days he has shut up a little more. He shows up every day at lunch to tell me that what I’m doing is dumb, but I’ve just gotta drown him out really. He’s there most afternoons telling me to go run my little heart out (Christmas videos and shows have been helpful entertainment lately). He’s still present. But I think he may be quieter. It’s been so hard to wrap my mind around how my body looks now. So hard. I don’t even know an expression that is great enough to explain how I feel. I’m trying to focus on the positive aspects of it and learn to accept myself.

Instead of trying to focus on the negative things I’m trying to hard to focus on the good: what’s positive, what brings me joy, what brings others joy, what makes me feel good. Like I said, maybe it’s all the Christmas décor in my house, the Christmas movies on TV, the thought of a break from school and all the Christmas crafts I’d like to do, but I’m trying to think of it as more of a healing process.

There is probably so much more I could say but I’m trying to frantically get these words out on the page before I completely lose what I have been thinking about for the past few hours. I hope you are well and are having a wonderful Christmas or Holiday Season 🙂

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We start reading The Polar Express tomorrow!

 

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One Night At A Time

"Your Plan" -Dustin Lynch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roB7vX2N4cs

Last week was my first week back at school…oh the joy. I haven’t had time to go back my counselor’s office, nor have I really decided what I want to do when it comes to that department. I decided that the best method to her know that I did survive my summer classes and didn’t die from excessive work overdose 😉 that I would just send her an email. Now, this summer has been interesting to me. I think that this summer was the first in a very long time I haven’t felt like I was trapped with this ED or like it’s controlling my life the entire summer. So, well, I pretty much said that in my email. Keeping it simple. I also told her that this summer has been another first for me…this is muchhhhhh more important than what I just said. I told her that after a whole year of therapy and even the whole summer, that I think that I finally can consider myself “in recovery”. That may not seem like much to you, but it really it. It’s the ultimate goal for me and I assume for many others burdened with eating disorders.

I’m not saying that I don’t have bad days, because I definitely do.

However, I am saying that I do, in fact, feel more “okay” about myself. I don’t feel “good” or “great” yet, and maybe I never will. I’m just not sure; I’m not to that point in my recovery process or life so how could I even fathom what it’s going to be like down the road????? Right now I’m just pretty pleased with the fact that I’m not flinging myself on the bathroom tile and crying, or stabbing my fingernails into my upper thighs while I cry or try to prevent the crying. I don’t have a fear of breaking down in the middle of class or having to refrain from interjecting my opinion because it wouldn’t be exactly what somebody wants to hear. I’ve come a long way in the past year and a half y’all.

But what my therapist said probably helped me more than what I typed out:

I loved that she was just so ecstatic for me!! That’s exactly what I needed and her quote that she gave me made me feel even better. It made me feel like I was doing something right and like I had been actually working hard enough to achieve something.

These days, I’m really really thankful for those who help me through this.

But I’m Just Gonna Shake It

I’ve been doing alot of thinking these past 2 weeks. I’ve spent alot of time doing well….nothing. I’ve had a break from my summer semesters of college just before I had to go back and do it all over again for the fall semester. I’ve had a little time to relax. Anywhoooo.

Since the new fall semester starts tomorrow, I decided I would make myself sit down and write this. I’ve been thinking alot about my ed. I think that I’ve made quite a bit of progress over the summer. That’s not to say that I continuously have bad days, because I do and I will still continue to. But it’s gotten alot better. These panic attacks of sorts seem to come less frequently and I’ve much better at being able to tell myself that people have bad days and that I can try again and “look” better tomorrow. It’s like I was telling my boyfriend the other night, I’m proud of myself. I’m just now starting to feel okay about myself. I’m not gonna say that I feel good about myself yet, but I’ll get there.

I’m taking a page out of the Taylor Swift book once again. I’ve got her new song currently on repeat (just go ahead and picture me jumping and dancing awkwardly around in my room and singing as loudly as I can in my car). But, this semester, I have two goals:

1. Try and learn to “Shake It Off”. Thanks T-Swizzle 😉

2. Try and get a 4.0 with my 18 hours of classes that I’m taking.

Anxiety Jeans

I’m been having quite few bad/off days lately and for a while, I couldn’t put my finger on what was bothering me so much. Well, aside from the fact that I literally have on going battle and a long road to full recovery, I decided that it had to do with this upcoming weekend. Now, don’t laugh when you read this. Pretty please. One word, 5 letters.

PANTS.

This weekend it is my hometowns rodeo, and I usually go, which isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, it’s just a rodeo, what’s the big deal right? And what do pants have to do with anything? Good question, I’m sooo glad you asked. Well, normal people that don’t think about food, body image and how others perceive them every second  don’t even think twice about putting on their clothes. To them putting on their pants is merely another step to getting ready for the day or whatever event they go to. For me though, pants are apart of a very scary thing to me. It scares me to even think about the idea of putting these pants on in 3 days. I have actually purposely been avoiding wearing jeans for months now. I love these jeans that I own, they just put this gigantic shock wave of fear pulsing throughout my body.

Find These At Missme.com And Some Western Stores Near You!

 I feel so incredibly silly saying that I have this fear of my own blue jeans! It sounds goofy. This is a legitimate fear for me though. For me to put these pants on is a huge step. I’m going to do it, so there are no worries there, but it’s going to take a huge amount of effort. I’m going to take control of those jeans, pull them on and show them who is really the boss here. I can do this.

Here’s my final point I want to make. Let’s all remember to think before we speak please. It’s such a true statement that you never truly know what is going through a person’s mind. They could be stressing over their job, their relationship, money, or having thoughts that they simply aren’t good enough to be in those blue jeans they have on. Just remember, everyone is going through something, whether they look like it or not; because not everyone actually looks like they are suffering from an eating disorder.

So very very true. I always try to choose my words so as not to seem like I don't care or that they don't understand. To those fighting your silent battles, be strong :) you will conquer all things!

Make You Notice

This stands true for me since i've shut down from people, i feel more confident without their negative vibes bringing me down. I was tired of being excluded, and looked down on all while being friendly, polite, & supportive. I'm much more confident now. Self respect has taken away the insecurities. I'm also getting a very sharp intuition as i get older that i listen very closely to.

Yes, confidence is completely silent and it’s true that the opposite of that, insecurity, is extremely loud. They scream in your head, over and over again, telling you that you’re simply not good enough. For me, they are they quite often. Most of the time, I’m pretty good at keeping them under control or quieter, but there’s just some days that I tend to need more reassurance from another person. Well, one person in particular. I know, I know, you don’t need another person to validate your existence. Yeah, yeah. Sure you don’t. Of course you don’t. You can be happy all on your own and give yourself your own meaning, purpose and fulfill your own confidence. This is just my personal opinion, but I think that you’re lying to yourself if you say that you never ever need reassurance from another person. I think that everyone does no matter who you are. Every once and a while, you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to doubt your talents, your purpose, what you look like and the path you have chosen for yourself. Every once and a while, you need someone to tell you that you’re just fine how you are and they love you just the same. For me, every once and a while, I need someone to tell me they think I look pretty in this outfit I’m wearing.

Imperfection By Skillet

Maybe I’m not in a normal situation. I’m going through this whole recovery journey, and it’s really hard for me. I feel guilty, I feel normal, I feel great, I feel sad, I feel happy, and then the whole thing starts back over again. It’s an emotional roller coaster that I’m trying to very hard to get off of. And I think that because I’m on this journey, that I need more reassurance that some people. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I’m ridiculous for wanting someone to tell me that I’m doing everything just fine.

Don’t get me wrong, I know who I am as a person. It took me a really long time to get to this point, but I know who I am now. That was a very long process. I know what I want to do with my life. I don’t need anyone to validate me on either of these things. But is it really so wrong to want to be told that no matter how my body changes and no matter what I look as long as I am still me that you’re still going to love me? I don’t think its unreasonable.

Damn right.... Something I need to yell out often. To remind myself I am a good person and i do deserve the best

I’m not going to apologize for having insecurities however. Now, I know that might seem wrong, but I’m not. These insecurities are a part of me and help mold me into the person I am.

This is who I am. I have insecurities. I need you to say I’m okay. I need a little reassurance every now and again. I know that’s a hard concept for some people to understand, but with me, trying to get better, I think that it helps sometimes.

Bring Me Black Roses

“You can throw your words,
sharper than a knife…”

Those are the words in the first verse of “Black Roses” by Scarlett O’Conner, or Clare Bowen of ABC’s Nashville. While on the show she writes the song about her terrible relationship with her mother, I-of course- relate the song to none other than my ed.

“Now you only bring me black roses,
and they crumble into dust when they’re held
Now you only bring me black roses,
under your spell…”

The first time I heard this song in it’s full entirety, tears welled up in my eyes and I had to try my hardest not to cry. I happened to be in a room with a bunch of people and I do enough crying so I really didn’t need them to see me cry more than I already do. But I felt this way, because I finally got to hear someone else struggle with something so deep and so dark that they can actually make me feel the same pain that they feel; which happens to be the same pain I feel because of my eating disorder. I’m under Ed’s spell. I really, truly am. I have to learn how to break free.

“Now you only bring me black roses,
and they crumble into dust when they’re held
Now you only bring me black roses,
under your spell…”

When I’m belting this song out at the top of my lungs in my car I literally feel like I’m screaming and yelling at Ed for what he has done to me and how he has made me feel. I’m telling Ed that he’s not good for me, that he clouds my eyes with lies, and that he fills my head with ugly pictures of myself. He’s an awful, terrible, horrible,  person. Who does that to another person?! Who crawls into someone’s personal thoughts and repeatedly says ‘you’re not good enough’, ‘you’re wrong’, or ‘you’re never going to be pretty’? Ed does, that’s who.

“And I’m done trying to be the one picking up the broken pieces, and I’m done trying to be the one who says I love you dear but I’m leaving…”

I’m done. 

I’m done picking up the pieces of myself. Over and Over and Over and Over again. 

Because I literally cannot do this to myself anymore. I can’t feel back anymore. It’s painful. It takes from my joy. It physically pains my heart. Don’t I deserve to be happy? I think I do. And that’s all that truly matters doesn’t it?

“Now you only bring me black roses but I’m not under your spell
I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell, I’m not under your spell…”

Red High Heels

So, I haven’t written lately but I think that’s because I’ve felt pretty good lately. That could be a product of a couple different things. I think I’ve gotten my medicine under control and to the right dose that actually helps me and doesn’t have me all messed up somehow. I’ve got a best friend and the best boyfriend I could ever ask for and a puppy that’s absolutely adorable and who has totally stolen my heart.  For now, and for the first time in a while, I think that things are going really well for me.

Anyways, I’ve been listening to Kellie Pickler tonight and I’ve heard her songs before and I’ve liked her but I never listened to all of her songs. I came across her, Don’t You Know You’re Beautiful song. That’s a really difficult for me to accept, as well as many other girls in the world. There’s just always a constant feeling of you’re not good enough. But as I listen to that song, I continually think, “hey, you know what, you’re totally right Kellie Pickler, I’m beautiful. I don’t need to change that. I’m fine that way I am.”

Really, the moral of the story here, is that, it someone doesn’t accept you or like you for exactly who you are, screw them. Okay, okay, I know there’s a more polite way to word that and that’s awfully blunt, but in the end, that’s exactly what it comes down to.  If you let someone into your life and all they want to do is change you, that’s absolutely ridiculous! I’ve heard it said before that before someone can love you, you have to love yourself. I agree with that but only to a point. I think that before someone can love you, you have to merely accept yourself first. To  truly allow yourself to be loved to your full potential and allow yourself to fully love someone else, you have to accept yourself as you all, with all your flaws, strengths, fears and triumphs. You have to begin to understand that even as screwed up as you think you are, someone else can think you’re perfect and that you hung the moon. It’s all about perception. 

Love Is Kind

Red heart - almost as sweet as saying it - maybe sweeter

Have you ever stopped and pondered how big your-our- God is? When I sit back and think about it, I can’t even begin to fathom how great, mighty and powerful my God is. That being said, I read a post on love, choice and soul mates. Well, I for one, actually believe in the concept of soul mates. Out of the 7 or 8 billion people in the world, I believe that God can have one set person for everyone. I believe that everyone has a person. Who am I to doubt what God can do, such as bringing to two people together as one-hence “soul mates”. Many people say that you can choose who you love, like it’s a choice. As if there are people who are bad for you, good and then best for you. I just don’t agree. I think that God has a person in mind for you. Let’s take Genesis for God’s first example:

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is right for him.’ So the Lord caused the man to sleep very deeply, and while he was asleep, God removed one of the man’s ribs. The Lord God used the rib from the man to make a woman, and then he brought the woman to the man.” Genesis 2:19,21-22

Here we see God literally went out of his way to create the perfect mate for Adam-Eve. Which to me, constitutes as a soul mate. God wants us to feel love and be in love and experience all of the spectacular things that love has to offer. In order to have this love though, we must have the passion that he displays in Song of Solomon.

Twin flame, Soul mates

Yes, as humans I do suppose that we have a choice in the matter of who we love, but in reality, I believe that God leads us to the person that we are meant to be with. He can lead you across a room, across a state, across the country or even across the world to bring you to the right person.

There are all different types of love in this world. There’s worldly love and Godly love. As people tend to do, they give up on love easily, especially when it’s worldly love, they let people go. They don’t stay and fight. They don’t stick it out together through thick and thin. Even if they have tried their very hardest, however, it still make not work. You can’t “choose” to love someone even if the chemistry just isn’t there. You can’t force the love. You can’t just choose to love someone with all your hard and even when the times get tough and rough try your hardest to make it work. If something is not meant to be, no amount of trying and begging and attempting to work it out will work. Who am I to doubt that God has one person for me? Look at everything He has done in the world. Who am I to doubt? In order for love to work out, you need to have Biblical, Godly love.

1 Corinthians 13 printable I want to print this for our bedroom. It was recited during our wedding ceremony!

In the end though, I strongly, deeply, truly believe that God has a set person for everyone, a soul mate.

Escape This Town For A Little While

treacherous taylor swift lyrics "I'd be smart to walk away, but you're quicksand."

You know, I would be smart to walk away. I’d be smart to walk away from the feelings, from the heartbreak, from the pills, muscle milk, from the tiny amounts of food to the large amounts that are almost too much, from the feelings of depression and wanting to cry. I literally should walk away from it all. But it pulls you back in and drags you down, just like quicksand.

I’ve had this sinking feeling all day. All Day. This feeling of where I could just break into tears any given second. How do you walk around all day like that? How do you tell someone that’s how you feel? I don’t even think I want someone to feel sorry for me. I think that I just want to talk about t. But what am I even supposed to say?

Forever going with flow, but you're friction

“Skin and bones, trained to get along.”

Can I be like that?

“This hope is treacherous, this daydream is dangerous…” (Is the hope of this ‘recovery’ treacherous?)

Love Story | Taylor SwiftCan I escape for a little while? Is there even a place that I can go?

Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come <3

Sometimes I think that’s just what I want, someone to save me. That’s illogical, however.  That’s not a plausible way to get rid of, or out of this situation. It’s not fair to me or the other person. I can’t rely on someone else to drag me out of this dark hole, or take me out of this place that I’m in. But dammit……somebody just save me. I just…I can’t. I can’t make it all work. I swear not all of the pieces are here or they don’t all fit together to put this broken puzzle back together.

Fade into you - Nashville. I can't really sing so I guess I drew the lyrics

When the Right One Comes Along

“There’s no music, no confetti, crowds don’t cheer and bells don’t ring, but you’ll know it, I can guarantee, when the right one comes along.”

You are Loved by God:   "God so loved the world that He gave His only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ that whosoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life".......................John 3:16

I used to be sure about the saying “when you find the one, you just know.” I was just never quite sure if this was true or one of those love at first sight type things. (I don’t think I really believe that.) I think that finding “the one” so to speak is something you only understand once you experience it. You can’t comprehend that situation until you are actually in the middle of he process. I think that once you find the right person you suddenly realize what was wrong with all  the previous relationships or what should have been different. You realize that it’s like the missing piece to your puzzle that you’ve suddenly found. And that’s how I feel.

When I’m with the right person, I’m suddenly not worrying about what type of food I eat, or how much of it I ate, what was in it, or if the other person across the table from me is silently judging me for what I just ordered or consumed. For some strange reason that’s completely unreal to me, I forgot for just a little while that I have this ridiculous disorder. For 5 minutes, 5 hours, or even 48 hours, I can forget that food isn’t the sole thought that consumes my mind. I can forget that food doesn’t control me. I can forget that I am more than the food I eat. I remember that there are more things to be than beautiful.

 

I Belong With You, You Belong With Me, You're My Sweetheart - Lyrics by The Lumineers

I’ve come to believe this a lot these past few days (or really these past 48 hours.) I truly believe that we belong together. If someone can magically make me feel better without doing anything special at all except being with me, I think we belong together. At least, I sure hope we belong together. I can’t explain how good that feels to me. I can’t explain how grateful how I! I can’t even explain that to him! I wish I could, but try as I might, it seems near impossible. I don’t love him because he makes makes me feel better about eating, it’s because I love him that he makes me feel better. Not everyone is lucky enough to find that one person. I’m really thankful that I have 🙂

Very much so. Can't explain it or put it into words how you make me feel and how in love with you I am.

NEVER! Shine on forever!

You always have to remember this. No matter who you are with, and no matter how much you care for each other, if they make you feel bad, bring you down, or “dull your sparkle” they really can’t be the right person for you. As sad as that sounds, you have to do what’ best for you.