Tag Archives: sad

Where’s My Magic Wand?

It’s been a long day. I can’t turn my thoughts off (which are mostly negative). But I can’t make them cease and I can’t stop myself from thinking I’m still going to hate myself tomorrow, as terrible as that sounds. Usually I can watch some childhood movie and have myself feeling a little better, but I don’t think my Fairy Godmother is showing up with her magic wand anytime soon.

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Image: http://drinkupmehertiesyoho.tumblr.com/

I literally fear being hungry but I fear eating as well. I’ve spent 95% of my day focused on these type of thoughts. It’s been a hard day. I know that for most of you, my “hard day” probably seems minuscule and it’s actually not a big deal at all compared to what you deal with….but it was hell. I’ve also spent a fair amount of time today Googling odd things such as:

“you are more than your weight”

“do people still love you no matter what you weigh?”

“does weight really matter?”

And finally, “if I eat a donut will it hurt my diet?”

None of these searches really gave me the bold, punch me in the face answer I was looking for-especially the last one! However, I did find a few articles that made me feel better for a few minutes. They made me smile and think, “Hey, maybe everything isn’t so gray and dreary. Maybe I’m doing good and this is all alright. Maybe it is okay to like myself even just a little bit.” Then, after my 4 minutes were up, I basically went back to the same thoughts that brought me back into my distorted reality where I just feel…..almost hopeless. These thoughts steal my joy and don’t give me anything, yet I can’t turn them off. Maybe it stems from being alone most of the day. Maybe it stems from not watching the new Netflix show I’ve been enjoying over the past few days. Maybe it stems from….well I just don’t freaking know! I don’t know where it comes from and I don’t know why I currently feel like laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling. I just can’t explain it.

I’m not sure I really have much else to say. However, I’d like to feel happier. I mean, Easter is this weekend and I’d like to be able to feel happy on the inside. Also, I’d like to watch an Easter movie! Why are there none of those on TV?!

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Image: http://www.themarysue.com/baby-disney-villains/#7

Here are those articles I was talking about:

The one in Cosmopolitan was pretty touching for me.

17 Reasons to Love Your Body Just the Way It Is– by Amy Odell via Cosmopolitan

You Are More– by Selah via Operation Beautiful

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2 Years Ago….and Still on the Journey

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2 years ago today I went to my first counseling/therapy session. It was a really difficult decision to tell myself and actually admit that I needed help. I still need help. So much of it. I’m so scared and I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t realize it until today, actually. I’ve felt super sad all day and it’s because all this week I’ve been desperately trying to fit my “restricted list” foods into my student teacher diet/upcoming wedding dress diet. I’m trying so very hard to handle everything that I feel has come so quickly at me. I feel the pressure and the stress coming and when I begin to feel that, I restrict more and I workout more to just try and alleviate some of the anxiety I am beginning to feel. When I realized why I felt so incredibly down and sad today I hadn’t realized that it was a feeling I had suppressed for quite a while. It’s back…..with a vengeance.

You're going to get through this, okay

That’s a bunch of rambling, but for the most part, I think that this is a journey that I’m going to be on for the rest of my life. I struggle through both sides of the spectrum as well. I struggle with actually wanting help and wanting to get better and then wanting to punch anyone who wants to help me at all. It’s a strange tightrope I walk. It’s a journey to face your fears. It’s a journey to get up every day and tell yourself that you are going to love yourself today and not totally completely loathe your body. All of this combine is a journey and all of this…is well, fearless.

Nightmares

I know that I’m not the only person that has ever had a nightmare. Now normally, I’d say that I have a tendency to have some pretty odd, off the wall dreams, but they are hardly ever actually scary. However, for two nights in a row, I had nightmares. Well, for most people they probably wouldn’t be considered a nightmare but for me, these are my literal worst nightmares.

I’ve been having eating disorder nightmares the past couple of nights. I’m not even sure why. They are pretty weird too. One of them I have kind of being chased by a cloth tape measure and the other I had passed out or was about to pass out because I hadn’t eaten enough, or something along those lines.

They weren’t very pleasant dreams, but nevertheless, they happened. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. It was a very strange experience for me. I was really glad when I woke up the next morning and was very thankful that those were just dreams. I don’t think that I ever want either of those to come true.

Sadly this seems to be my life lately. Tired, no that's not the right term for how I feel, more like FATIGUE. I swear this disease is getting worse. At least a year ago my meds gave me energy and I could do things before I became worn out. FUCK YOU Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy!!!!!!

I’ve been having a rough time lately. But I’m only allowing myself to work out a little at a time and reminding myself that school starts again soon and I can go back in to counseling and that my goal is to be healthy. I don’t need to be a size zero. Because after all, zero is not a size.

The famous '0 is not a size' shirt :) how does she look so gorgeous so dressed down?? #unfair #luvmisssophiabush

Flawed People

http://mytinysecrets.com/you-say-flawed-he-says-sexy-what-men-really-think-about-your-body/

I was reading this the other day after it was sent to me. I’ve read something similar to this before but I can’t exactly remember it. Anyways, I was reading this and tears started to build up in my eyes (if you haven’t caught on by now, I’m a pretty big crier). I’ve read before that men don’t see your body they way that you do at all. They only see the parts that make you “unique” and “you”. Is that true? Like do men really think that or is that just something people say to self conscious women to make them feel better and shut up about their insecurities? Or do people really think that way? Because if they do, that might make me feel a thousand times better.

There is no such thing as perfect and you should strive to develop an attitude of gratitude to make all those around you feel loved.

I think that I just wished that we lived in the world where people-both women and men alike-didn’t have to constantly live in comparison to other people. I know that I personally compare myself to other women all the time. And I know that’s dumb and you shouldn’t keep doing that because ‘you’re only hurting yourself’. I can’t help it though. It just seems to keep coming back and keep playing over and over again. …….yay……

Back to my point though, this article enlightened me. Whether this has any truth to it or not, it made me feel better for 5 whole minutes.

"Riser" -Dierks Bentley

I’m A Trier

 

Love yourself! @brittany valania <3

Have you ever had to restrain yourself from throwing up? Well, actually for me, look it up. I mean, I know how to and all, I just can’t ever make myself actually do it, or perfect that are. Yeah, yeah, “that’s bad for you”, “don’t do that”, “that’s self harm”. Blah, blah,  blah. I’ve heard all of that before. I get it. Thanks so much for contributing to the “love yourself as you are” party.

EDNOS, or 'eating disorder not otherwise specified,' affects 24 million Americans. EDNOS is dangerous, because its unknown to some, and easily overlooked, Those with EDNOS show signs of bulimia and anorexia, where their symptoms are the same, but don't fully meet the full criteria of those disorders.'A lot of people think - just because you don't meet the weight criteria, "Oh, you don't have an eating disorder."' People get caught up in physical appearance which can't reveal the real suffering -

It’s like no matter what I do nothing works. Being around people, eating what they eat, acting like they act, nothing. It just doesn’t work. Wanna help me out here? Like seriously, I literally cannot do this. I recently got…well…in a fight I guess about having this insecurity/eating disorder/craziness going around in my head. I don’t have a handle on this. No matter how much you think I do. When I get oddly quiet for myself, you should probably be concerned. I’m sitting in that chair there thinking about it. I’m sitting next to you on the couch thinking about it. I’m laying in bed at night thinking about it. Thankfully I haven’t dreamed about it. It eats away at me, day after day, night after night, hour after hour. I’d say I need help but I swear that doesn’t even seem to be working. Am I to damaged to help?  Beyond the point of repair? Am I at that point where nobody even cares that it upset me anymore? If there was a magic pill, believe me, I’d take it in a heartbeat. But there isn’t.

Love Yourself First | LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. | via Tumblr | We Heart It

But in my car ride home today, I found myself grasping at the fat at my body, over analyzing my legs thinking about everything I couldn’t eat and every way I could avoid eating. I was with my friends tonight and they always manage to comment on how much I didn’t eat or how I need to eat more. I don’t think they truly comprehend the condition. Then again, I don’t really plan to go into explaining what’s going on in my mind and with my body.

I think that I just have this overwhelming feeling that nobody is going to think I’m pretty. I guess that’s irrational considering there is literally and infinite amount of people with allllllll different body types on this planet. At the end of the day, at least one person will find something beautiful about them. I’ve also heard it said that beauty is only skin deep and it’s really the type of person that you are that makes you truly beautiful. If you’re heart is beautiful then it flows from the inside out and allows you to glow and shine on the outside. That’s the goal here. It’s the ultimate finish line. We’ll get there….eventually.

This is for any recovery... a bad relationship, abuse, violence, eating disorders, etc. Recovery is never easy, but we hope and pray that in the end, we get there, and its worth it in the end.

Words of truth. We can find the way forward if we listen to our hearts and learn to change our thoughts. #inspirational #quote #recovery

When You’re Broken

I think that it must be a daily requirement for me to feel like complete crap at the end of the day. I’m not really sure why it is, but it sure seems to be. I mean, I know you’re supposed to take everything day by day but I’ve just about it had with all of that.

It’s like this quote from Wintergirls, and as much as I know I wish there was and everyone else, there’s no magic cure for this.

Eating disorders quote: There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.   www.HealthyPlace.com

I’m sitting here tonight going through all of these really old CD’s because I’m driving to Houston tomorrow and well, it’s  long trip and I need some decent music. I came across the Broken Bridges soundtrack, you know, that movie with Toby Keith. In the movie, the girl who play’s Toby’s daughter ends up getting beat by her boyfriend and then she and her father end up writing a song together. Say what you will about this movie, the acting and the plot, but if there’s one good thing that came from this movie it’s the song Broken by Lindsey Haun.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_O3GZmspnE

I didn’t understand it the first times I watched it, but a few years later, I was able to begin to relate the song to my life( and if you haven’t figured it out by now, my ed).

“When you’re broken in a million little pieces 
And you’re trying but you can’t hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don’t you stop believing in yourself”

Anytime that I hear a song that I can relate to my ed I can hardly make it through the song without a big lump coming up in my throat and me holding the tears back. This song isn’t any different for me. She’s literally singing about how she’s broken-well how she was-and that’s a very real concept to me. I have to come to terms with the fact that I am, in fact broken. Every tear falls down for a reason? I guess so.

“Hitting walls and getting scars 
Only makes you who you are”

You are who you are because of the experiences that you go through. Every scar you have is the product of something you experienced and it’s something that makes you different from everyone else. That’s just like me and this journey that I’m going through makes me different from anyone else. Nobody else can say that they’ve walked down my same road, only similar.

broken lyrics lindsey haun | music # broken # broken bridges # words

I think that I can say that I experience heartbreak at least once a day. And if being broken over and over makes you who you are, I’m a step closer every single day. I also believe that you can’t be broken forever though. At some point, “every piece will find it’s place” and come back together to recreate you as a whole person once more.

Bottom line is, I love this song. I’ve always loved this song. I love how it makes me feel slightly sad but a thousand times better by the time we come to the end of it. It gives off a sense of empowerment and gives me hope at the end that I’m eventually going to get better. I have to.

Make You Notice

This stands true for me since i've shut down from people, i feel more confident without their negative vibes bringing me down. I was tired of being excluded, and looked down on all while being friendly, polite, & supportive. I'm much more confident now. Self respect has taken away the insecurities. I'm also getting a very sharp intuition as i get older that i listen very closely to.

Yes, confidence is completely silent and it’s true that the opposite of that, insecurity, is extremely loud. They scream in your head, over and over again, telling you that you’re simply not good enough. For me, they are they quite often. Most of the time, I’m pretty good at keeping them under control or quieter, but there’s just some days that I tend to need more reassurance from another person. Well, one person in particular. I know, I know, you don’t need another person to validate your existence. Yeah, yeah. Sure you don’t. Of course you don’t. You can be happy all on your own and give yourself your own meaning, purpose and fulfill your own confidence. This is just my personal opinion, but I think that you’re lying to yourself if you say that you never ever need reassurance from another person. I think that everyone does no matter who you are. Every once and a while, you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to doubt your talents, your purpose, what you look like and the path you have chosen for yourself. Every once and a while, you need someone to tell you that you’re just fine how you are and they love you just the same. For me, every once and a while, I need someone to tell me they think I look pretty in this outfit I’m wearing.

Imperfection By Skillet

Maybe I’m not in a normal situation. I’m going through this whole recovery journey, and it’s really hard for me. I feel guilty, I feel normal, I feel great, I feel sad, I feel happy, and then the whole thing starts back over again. It’s an emotional roller coaster that I’m trying to very hard to get off of. And I think that because I’m on this journey, that I need more reassurance that some people. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I’m ridiculous for wanting someone to tell me that I’m doing everything just fine.

Don’t get me wrong, I know who I am as a person. It took me a really long time to get to this point, but I know who I am now. That was a very long process. I know what I want to do with my life. I don’t need anyone to validate me on either of these things. But is it really so wrong to want to be told that no matter how my body changes and no matter what I look as long as I am still me that you’re still going to love me? I don’t think its unreasonable.

Damn right.... Something I need to yell out often. To remind myself I am a good person and i do deserve the best

I’m not going to apologize for having insecurities however. Now, I know that might seem wrong, but I’m not. These insecurities are a part of me and help mold me into the person I am.

This is who I am. I have insecurities. I need you to say I’m okay. I need a little reassurance every now and again. I know that’s a hard concept for some people to understand, but with me, trying to get better, I think that it helps sometimes.

You’re Gonna Hear Me Follow My Arrow

So, today’s Father’s Day, so in my family on holidays it’s kinda the norm to eat cake. Which really, I’m not arguing with. I’m pretty fond of that tradition, and I’d like to keep it that way. I mean, who doesn’t like cake?! However….that’s really turns into quite an issue for me. Like…I just digested a bunch of cake and I’m trying to deal with that in the best way possible. (When I say best way, I mean in the not going in throwing up my food.)

Anyways, while I’ve been sitting here and dealing with this overwhelming feeling of guilt, I’ve been watching the CMT Crossroads of Kacey Musgraves and Katy Perry. I happen to be embarking on a bit of a love affair with Kacey Musgraves and her music; poor Taylor Swift seriously.  But, as they were singing Roar, it reminded me of myself and Ed.

“You held me down, but I got up, already brushing off the dust.”

Roar. oddly i love the note arrangement in this song.

Ed holds you-I mean me- down. That’s all he does, that’s his sole purpose in life. That’s it. His purpose is to live inside my head and tell me I’m a piece of dirt. But I have to try- and I use try loosely- to make myself realize that. I have to try to remember that people for love me for me (it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Ha ha.) But I have to remember that I’m just Kairos, and if people like me, they are gonna have to take all of me, as is, damage and all, a gain of 5 pounds and all, a loss of 5 pounds and all, no makeup and messy hair and all. 

And soooooo……….

“I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire, ’cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar.”

Roar Katy Perry song quote

 

Our Deepest Fear

“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”

Have you ever done something you’re kind of ashamed of? I have. Haven’t we all? Have you ever done something that you were ashamed to tell someone? Even out loud to yourself?  I have. I did…today.

The thing about people with eating disorders, well, at least me, is that, no matter what you do you never feel like its working or like you’re good enough. Constantly, I have this overwhelming feeling of being inadequate, of being not pretty enough, smart enough, fit enough, healthy enough, happy enough, or kind enough. I go through at least 3 of these cycles throughout the day. Despite anything anyone tells me, I don’t feel good about myself. I could run a marathon and burn allllll of those calories and still feel like  I didn’t work hard enough and that I could’ve done more.

Anyways, back to that horrible thing that I didn’t want to tell anyone today.  I ate dinner, felt terrible, like I always do; then I traveled into the bathroom….and well I’m sure your imagination can take you to the correct place on this one. For the first time, in my entire life, throughout my entire journey with this torturous eating disorder, I threw up my food for the actual first time. It wasn’t all of it, just a little bit, but nevertheless I did it. It didn’t make me feel better. It didn’t make me feel worse either. It didn’t make me feel anything. I just feel like I’m anything. I’m feel like I’m not worth it to some people.

Most days are so hard for me, but i try to do better, i hate my bulimia, i wish it would just leave me already

I’m not a stupid girl. Don’t think that. I know that it’s not the ideal way to lose weight; I know it’s completely absurd. I know that it’s stupid and that people die from it. I don’t plan on doing it all the time. I don’t. I just thought, that in that moment, that it might alleviate some of the pain. It doesn’t.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, Fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? - Marianne Williamson

Escape This Town For A Little While

treacherous taylor swift lyrics "I'd be smart to walk away, but you're quicksand."

You know, I would be smart to walk away. I’d be smart to walk away from the feelings, from the heartbreak, from the pills, muscle milk, from the tiny amounts of food to the large amounts that are almost too much, from the feelings of depression and wanting to cry. I literally should walk away from it all. But it pulls you back in and drags you down, just like quicksand.

I’ve had this sinking feeling all day. All Day. This feeling of where I could just break into tears any given second. How do you walk around all day like that? How do you tell someone that’s how you feel? I don’t even think I want someone to feel sorry for me. I think that I just want to talk about t. But what am I even supposed to say?

Forever going with flow, but you're friction

“Skin and bones, trained to get along.”

Can I be like that?

“This hope is treacherous, this daydream is dangerous…” (Is the hope of this ‘recovery’ treacherous?)

Love Story | Taylor SwiftCan I escape for a little while? Is there even a place that I can go?

Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come <3

Sometimes I think that’s just what I want, someone to save me. That’s illogical, however.  That’s not a plausible way to get rid of, or out of this situation. It’s not fair to me or the other person. I can’t rely on someone else to drag me out of this dark hole, or take me out of this place that I’m in. But dammit……somebody just save me. I just…I can’t. I can’t make it all work. I swear not all of the pieces are here or they don’t all fit together to put this broken puzzle back together.

Fade into you - Nashville. I can't really sing so I guess I drew the lyrics