Tag Archives: scared

In Omnia Paratus

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This sandwich right here is a really big freaking deal. Huge. To you, it looks like an ordinary sandwich (well, maybe not because of the bread). I used cinnamon raisin bread, because well that’s the BEST kind of bread there is. Anyways, you’re looking at it probably asking yourself what is so dang special about this particular sandwich. It’s a peanut butter sandwich and an apple. The special part: the fact that there are 2 whole pieces of bread. 2!!!!! Not 1. Not 1 1/2….but 2! I never never never ever eat sandwiches with 2 pieces of bread. I’m scared of it and I don’t like it and I don’t wanna do it. I felt like eating a “sandwich” with 1 piece of bread gave me some type of discipline and control that other people just didn’t have. That’s so not true!!! It means that I irrationally fear a piece of bread. Who in the world is afraid of bread? Me.

I ate that sandwich with 2 pieces of bread because I’ve recently come to a very startling, harsh and horrifying fact that’s staring at me straight in the face. I’m scared/nervous to even type it out. This is my heart on my sleeve. This is an insight into the most vulnerable part of my being. Exposing all of my elements, secrets and disguises.

Some times things just happen to you. I didn’t mean for this eating disorder to happen to me. While it could probably be argued that I did in fact do this to myself, I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing initially. I just thought I was “getting healthy”. I didn’t originally set out to lose more than 5 pounds or just gain a little bit of muscle tone. I didn’t. I didn’t realize that “getting healthy” meant becoming a slave to my own mind, being frightened of almost all foods, being afraid to be around people, sleeping just plain awful at night, having my thoughts consumed with food, and worst of all being unnerved, and sent into an utter panic over my own feelings and emotions that I buried deeper the more I developed my eating disorder.

So, what the heck am I rambling on about? I went to the doctor last Monday so I’ve had an entire week to process and cope with this. When you go to the doctor, they make you get on a scale (which I get on backwards as to not see the numbers) and take your blood pressure. Twas that day that I was suddenly slammed with the reason why I’m so cold all the time, my fingernails are often found a shade of purple, sometimes why I’m kind of mean and angry, and why tired so quickly in the evening. At first I just noticed that my blood pressure was lower than usual. Like way lower. I already have a lower blood pressure but this was abnormal for even me. Then, at the end of the appointment, the nurse handed me this paper that was just going over what the doctor had said to me. I glanced at it, not realizing that it would have my weight on it…..it did. It was at that point, that I realized why I always seemed to live in Antarctica and everyone else seemed to live on a normal continent.

It was at that moment where I felt panic and my heart ached. I never meant to do that to myself. I never meant for things to get quite that bad. I didn’t even realize I was doing it, that it was happening, that things changed or how I even achieved that. I didn’t want my gold star……..

It was at that moment that I realized……I might actually be sick.

So here I am. Trying to make arrangements to change that. Arrangements that are going to push me. They are going to help me heal and enjoy life and live in color instead of living in black and white and watching the colors swirl around me. These things are going to push me and I’m going to push back because I DO NOT WANT TO do them. I don’t. I don’t wanna change. I worked hard for this. BUT I HAVE TO. HAVE TO. I don’t have a choice anymore. If I want to continue living, if I want to continue to have a life with my husband, if I want to teach kids, and one day if I want to have a family. I have to keep pushing for the healthy version of me. I have to fight for the good.

But following inspiration people who are doing the same things as me or are a little further along in their journey than me is helpful. Especially when they are so kind as to stop, reach out their hand, and touch others.

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God bless, Julia of http://www.lord-still-loves-me.com/

On a much happier note 🙂

Image: http://bluesclues.wikia.com/wiki/Blue’s_Clues_House

I also finished my mini cross stitch this afternoon while I watched a ton of Gilmore Girls AND the Charlie Brown Valentine’s Day DVD I got!! I’m kind of obsessed with Charlie Brown and all things Peanuts. And maybe it’s just me, but this little house I did sort of reminds me of the Blue’s Clues house….haha.

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Now I just want to go watch all the animated movies in my drawer!!!! Really, I’m just a child in an adult body.

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Chocolate & Peanut Butter

This is me making a terrified/goofball of a face because eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Hear is literally the most petrifying thing I’ve done today.

Because Valentine’s Day has slowly crept it’s way upon us, there are constantly-and I do mean constantly-commercials with chocolate and candy on TV. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a Reese’s commercial or a jewelry commercial. (Heads up, just give me York patties for Valentine’s Day). Anyways, I saw a ton of these peanut butter cup ads on TV and I decided that I just wanted one so freakin’ bad.

So, today, when I had to go trash can shopping because we somehow lost the lid to our trash can yesterday (WHO even does that?! Seriously!) I had my mom buy some Reese’s hearts….I ONLY wanted hearts. I wanted to be in the spirit of Valentine’s Day. Plus, food is just better when it is cut in a cute shape.

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Just looking at the bag was scary. I didn’t even really wanna touch it, almost like it was evil and forbidden. I had to tell myself that the voice I was hearing telling me that if I ate one that I was “bad” or “dumb” was from Ed and from the Devil. It wasn’t really and truly my voice. I mean, peanut butter cups combine 2 of my all time favorite foods. Literally. Chocolate and peanut butter. Those are 2 foods that I wish I could solely survive on. They could possibly be equivalent to heaven on Earth.

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Then, I unwrapped the pretty shiny packaged chocolate hearts and ate the scariest thing that I’ve eaten since my wedding cake. Reese’s hearts. Were they good? Uh, yeah! You’re talking to a peanut butter lover!!! Am I still living? Yes. Did the world come crashing down around me? Well, not yet. I’m still scared out of my mind. I’m still squirming in my seat. I’m still freaking out slightly and I might be for a few days. I can’t even explain it to you. But that’s not the point. The point is that was a major K-Pow moment!

11/7/15: A Fearless Day

Sometimes there are just some things in life that you can’t handle all by yourself. I think that I finally reached that point…..So on Saturday, I did something pretty freakin’ terrifying. I went to meet with someone about eating disorder recovery coaching.

AND guess what? The world didn’t catch on fire, I didn’t die from complete terror, the person I met with was the absolute nicest and it helped me start a very rocky, long, difficult journey down a new path without an e.d. (I even got a pet rock out of it. Okay, it’s not really a pet. It’s one of those chakra rocks.) Doing that was probably more terrifying for me than intentionally going and buying a ticket to a horror movie at the movie theater or watching creepy things on Halloween night. But I did it and I lived to tell the tale.

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While I met with this coach, we talked about a lot of things, my goals, how I wanted my recovery to be, why I felt like I was ready for recover, (did I already mention my goals?!) what the eating disorder made me feel and some of the underlying reasons we have eating disorders. For example, often times, we use eating disorders as a way to suppress feelings, keep away unwanted emotions and numb ourselves. I see myself feeling numb all the time, I just didn’t know that’s what I was doing. I thought I was walking around “sad”. NO! I was really just numbing my emotions. I didn’t even realize that’s one of reasons I may have developed this. At the end of the discussion, we decided that maybe I should try and eating like “a normal person” as I call it. We decided that I should try eating 3 meals and 3 snacks. This is going to be literally hell. There’s no other words. This is hard for me. SUPER hard.

I'm commemorating this day. This was 1 hour after my session was over.
I’m commemorating this day. This was 1 hour after my session was over.

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I started on Sunday, so I’ve been doing this for 2 days. This kinda sucks. But as much as it sucks, it feels oddly….good. So here I am….trying to start this new journey.

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These help me to know I’m doing the right thing, even if it doesn’t always feel completely comfortable. (These are from my coach.)

The 5 of Us vs. The Battle

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Sounds easy, right? Well, for me admitting I had a problem was simple. Actually referring to the problem by it’s correct name and wanting help for it, well that’s another story. A story that actually plays out for a number of years. Yesterday, September 11, 2015 was the day that a step was taken. The word was thought, typed and finally spoken. I was ready to admit it. So, here it goes……I, Kairos Brynn McCollum, have Anorexia. (I’ve now starred at this screen for 5 minutes without typing). That’s it y’all. That’s all I’ve got. It took me a while to be even able to think this word. Then….I had to admit to myself that that’s what was actually going on with me. Then, I had to type it out and send it to my Mom…and then Marty. Two of THE most important people in my life, I had to tell me. I had to say the word to them and make it real and not just some figment of my imagination.

Anorexia kills people y’all. It’s really scary. It’s a really terrifying moment when you realize something is eating you alive. Day by day, piece by piece it eats and chips away at you.

Perfectionism kills people y’all. I have this stupid, stupid need to have everything be perfect. But guess what, life isn’t perfect! I know that! But for some reason I still continue to strive for something that is literally impossible. What’s up with that?

Anxiety kills people y’all. My life is one giant anxiety ball. Every little thing can set it off. It’s been my whole life, not on purpose, but it has.  I’m so ritualistic that I can’t have one thing be off during the day. I eat the same foods I need to. I do the exact same thing everyday-wake up, get dressed, eat the same breakfast, go to school, WORKOUT, eat some safe food for dinner, then, if there is time for anything else do it, and finally sleep. Anxiety is scary.

I’ve been to therapy before, my first year at ASU, at that point, I had only admitted that I had an eating disorder. I had an “ED”. I didn’t have…..anorexia. It wasn’t really real until the other day. So, here I am, typing it out, boldly attaching myself to this hideous, ugly, downright vulgar word. Think about it, what an ugly word that is!!!

Recovery

So, you may be wondering, ‘How did I get to the point where I decided to admit this? What made me come to this sudden realization?’ Well, for student teaching, we have to record ourselves for 2 minutes teaching a lesson. As I watched myself teaching, I saw how truly thin I was…and how that wasn’t healthy. I knew I’d been doing some things differently lately but I didn’t realize they were actually making me thinner. I didn’t realize that I was thinner in the mirror than I was in my head. I think getting married has just escalated things, well the dress I mean. (Not that I think getting married is bad at all. I’m so so excited to marry the love of my life. I can’t wait for it to get here.) I think I’ve just been stressed. So, here I am, saying that I’m gonna have to get help. I’m gonna have to do some things differently. Am I ready to do that before I get married in 34ish days? I’m not sure. Am I going to be ready on October 18th? Yes. Am I ready to feel better? Yes! Am I ready to not hate myself? Definitely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to love myself.

So, how did I get here? How did this happen to me? Sometimes I wonder if I did something to make myself deserve this? Do I deserve to physically and mentally be in pain over eating a peanut butter sandwich or a hamburger? Or heck, even bread? I used to be mad at God, but now, I think I’m just a little upset sometimes with Him but I don’t think I’m angry anymore. I realize that I need to be able to turn to Him for prayer and comfort and that He DIDN’T do this to me.

"The Lord heals the brokenhearted, binds up their wounds, numbers all the stars, calls each of them by name.":

I used to think it was just me against the world. But after talking, I’ve realized it’s really not. It’s not Kairos v. Eating Disorder v. Anorexia v. the world. It’s Kairos (well, plus God) and Dad, Mom, Keegan and Marty against all those evil things.

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I’m really scared, totally terrified and completely petrified. I don’t like change. Even just saying the word right now literally means that nothing is the same. My entire mind and body changes. But for now, step 1 is saying the word. I did that. That’s pretty much all I can give right now. I’ll get to step 2, it’s just going to take a little bit. It took years to get to step 1, but it’s a positive step no matter how much time it took. I’ve never been more scared, but I know that there are at least 4 truly wonderful people who are more than willing to hold my hand through this.

The Cruelest Words Come From Our Own Mouths

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I read that quote and I just realize how incredibly harsh and critical I am on myself. What ever taught me to be so cruel? At times when I’m feeling down, I like to get on Pinterest and look up inspirational quotes or just ones that make me feel good. This afternoon, I’ve been doing that.
#edrecovery #recovery #eatingdisorder:

I know that I’ve been saying over and over again that I’m afraid lately, which is probably annoying. I don’t know a better way to describe it though. There’s not a better word. I’m just afraid to eat foods outside the comfort zone, afraid to eat more than “x” many times a day, and pretty much afraid to gain/lose weight. I’ve sat in bed at night wondering if I was going to die if I didn’t start bringing more of a variety into the comfort zone of eating. I’m just…scared y’all. I’ve got a bunch of anxiety lately and insecurity seems to take over sometimes. I struggle with perfection. I’m such A perfectionist that it’s literally killing me. With student teaching and getting married (6 weeks..AHHHH!!) I find myself wanting to be perfect in every aspect, which totally is impossible!! I find myself though, at a crossroads. I know that it’s okay to eat food. I really do know that, now do I necessarily live like that….no. I can’t bring myself to realize that not being able to see my ribs is a good thing. I can’t bring myself to say that losing weight is bad! There’s been times lately where I have and sadly, I’m proud of myself. (I know I shouldn’t be.) But I’m at this point where I’m proud of how hard I’ve been working at it, subconsciously that is. It’s like I’m proud of the control that I’ve been getting??? Not even sure. Sometimes I find myself not able to breathe or fighting back tears because I’m suddenly so upset about something that I did eat, that I wanted to eat,  I suddenly just feel sad, or in that moment I just feel scared.

THE WORST KIND OF SAD IS NOT BEING ABLE TO EXPLAIN WHY.:

I saw a quote though, that said that my eating disorder (ED), IS NOT my friend. I keep forgetting that my ED IS NOT my friend but an EVIL, UNHEALTHY, UNFORGIVING, HATEFUL, LOUDMOUTH, HORRID, ABUSIVE, UGLY, CRUEL, HARSH, and CRITICAL voice!!! He IS NOT nice, kind, caring, passionate, or loving at all! Which are all qualities of an upstanding friend. I’m perceiving ED as loving me and wanting what’s best for me, but HE DEFINITELY DOESN’T. He wants me to hate myself and strive to be something that I don’t need to be! I forget all of this when I don’t stop myself  and tell myself to really consider what I’m doing. I think I forget that I really don’t have to try so hard. I don’t have to kill myself everyday.

Refuse to give in. The greatest battle is not physical, it is mental. Give it all you've got! #totalbodytransformation #fitness #skinnyms

I know that what I’m doing isn’t good for me. I know that I somehow have to fix it. I really really do know that I need help. I think that I just have forgotten how to actually get help. I think that I haven’t been/felt this low point in such a long time…since I was at UTSA probably, or the very first couple of months at ASU. I just keep holding onto the bright thought that there will be an end of all of this and I am going to be better one day. Somebody just give me a hug….

Days like this I am just happy if I can sit upright, speed certainly doesn't matter!:

Lost&Insecure

PLEASE DON’T ASK ME TO GO OUT TO EAT WITH YOU…… Sorry for the all capital letters but I just HAD to get that out there. Whew! Now deep breath. Monday and Tuesday signify a start to a new school year. This semester is different than all the rest. It’s uncharted territory for me. It’s MY LAST ONE! Since I start student teaching on Wednesday, Monday and Tuesday are ‘work days’ for us up at the university. During both these work days we get to leave for lunch and that means that there will be girls that want to go out to eat for lunch and then will probably invite me.

Hungry Girl Survival Guides: Best & worst choices at chain restaurants, holiday parties, Chinese takeout, coffee shops, & more! #FoodAdvice

It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of others or that I’m a total people hater (insert laugh here) it’s just that I literally cannot handle it. I can’t do it. I can’t make myself do it. I’m especially on edge lately. I was just explaining to Marty last night that I literally live my life day to day trying to figure out a way to eat the least amount of calories as possible. I’m crazy…I know. You don’t have to say it. But don’t feel bad for me either. IS “this” a choice I’m making on purpose? I don’t know honestly. Some people might say it was. I’m unsure.

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It’s just that I can’t make spur of the moment decisions that involve food. I’m obsessed (actually, I’m not going to call it obsessed, because that’s not it.) I just NEED to know what the food is I’m eating. I need to be able to trust that it’s within the realms of what I deem ‘healthy’. Sometimes, even if I know that the food I will consume is healthy, I still can’t go eat at that restaurant because the calories are still too high in my mind. I know that’s not normal.

I know that wanting to eat yogurt for literally every meal IS NOT GOOD. I can’t help it. Even drinking this Quest protein shake mix I have is difficult sometimes because I have such a routine. I had a freak out the other night as I was lying in my bed. I’m trying to fall asleep and my brain says “No, let’s think!!!!!” I was thinking about how I’m about to be in a school all day long and I’ll come home to work out like usual (no big deal). Then, I realized that in 56 days, I will have to begin a new routine. I’ll still go to a classroom all day, but then I’ll go home to a new house which doesn’t have an elliptical. CHANGE. So, then I was thinking about how I would need to run before I came home from school/work (not a big deal…yet). I figured I could run at the track, but what about Thursday/Friday home football??? The courthouse would do, I guess. But what if it’s too cold? What if it’s too hot? WHAT IF?! Suddenly, I couldn’t handle being in my own brain.  Suddenly, everything was thrown out of control and I couldn’t get a handle on it. Thank goodness I fell asleep so I didn’t end up in tears that night.

I’ve just had many bad, bad, bad days in a row and the pressure and stress of school is already starting. This certainly does not aid my anxiety. I was just thinking about the other day, how I used to throw my food up from time to time, especially my first 2 semesters at UTSA and my first semester at ASU and how now I do that much, much less. I have made a baby step.

SIDE NOTE: I’ve been thinking about confidence lately. I’ve seen many pins about it lately on Pinterest and I’ve been thinking about how I need to have that in the classroom as a teacher. But, just because you merely don’t have confidence in your brain or body does not mean that you have some sort of a disorder or are damaged. Everyone has doubts about themselves at times, you aren’t totally going to be pleased with your body 100% of the time! Everyone has some sort of insecurity. Everyone feels like they aren’t good enough from time to time. What I’m saying is…..don’t label yourself “damaged” or “disordered” just because you lack confidence sometimes. We are ALL great 🙂

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don't need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.

SIDE NOTE AGAIN: I read somewhere the other day that eating disorders were genetic. I didn’t research it further, but what if I give one to my child?!

Be Happy. Be You.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/temimah-zucker/postive-body-image_b_5572909.html

Comparison is the thief of joy. — Theodore Roosevelt *Let go of comparing yourself to moms on Facebook & Pinterest! XO

I know that I’ve been thinking and talking to a lot of people lately about thinking before we speak. I ran across this article the other day that was talking about just that plus some more wonderful and insightful things that I hadn’t really thought of before.

Humans are like flowers in a garden. Some compete for the sunlight others just make do & ... blooms

In today’s world, most people (women predominately) are constantly on a diet of some type. Now I’m going to be talking more about women in this post as opposed to men, HOWEVER I am VERY aware that men have just as difficult as a time with body image and eating disorder as women. With that being said, I’ve seen so many people, and heard as well, people being praised and upheld for “being good” and staying on track with their diet. By not eating a cupcake, cheese, or a milk less than 2%, these “we” are praised for being “healthy”. But are we really considered healthy if we are constantly miserable or constantly striving for perfection or constantly trying to be something other than what we are.? We are constantly comparing ourselves to others. Constantly!!!! Are we really considered healthy if we do not allow ourselves to enjoy all wonderful things that life has to offer including all types of food and NOT exercising every single day? We are never satisfied with the body we have. I don’t even think that’s entirely our fault.

Be blessed with what God has given you. Because there is someone out there that would love what you take for-granted....

The media has changed images so many times it hard to keep track of. They also feed us over and over again that we need to be “toned” “tan” “eating less” or “insert latest healthy phrase here”. Then they slap some toned and beautiful model on front of the magazine cover so that we can wish and criticize ourselves over how we do not or will not ever look that way.

And another point, when are we going to let women enjoy themselves? And stop looking down on them if they ate a cookie or didn’t count all their calories in the day. What would even happen if we didn’t pay attention and didn’t count how many calories we consumed in the day??? What?? Nothing!!!!!! That’s right! When do we actually get to enjoy our life? I mean, at what age do we stop to get worrying and stressing over our physical appearance? When do we stop expecting all people to be tan and stop making fun of them if they are anything less than a crisp orange from the tanning bed? When do we stop expecting all men to be perfectly sculpted and muscular? Basically, my point is, when do we stop having unrealistic expectations and start letting people look like people and not perfect little dolls?

Be happy Be Bright Be YOU https://www.facebook.com/pages/kidsdingecom-Origineel-speelgoed-hebbedingen-voor-hippe-kids/160122710686387?ref=hl www.kidsdinge.com

I don’t mean that people shouldn’t workout, should never watch what they eat or anything of the sort. Everything can be fine in moderation. But the key to all of this is happiness. Would you rather be miserable or happy? Do you want to enjoy your life, or constantly feel like you have to work toward and unattainable goal? Ask yourself, is all the dieting, working out, stress, anxiety and worry really worth risking your happiness?

Be so happy that when others look at you they become happy too. Elephants by sevenstar on Etsy

Anxiety Jeans

I’m been having quite few bad/off days lately and for a while, I couldn’t put my finger on what was bothering me so much. Well, aside from the fact that I literally have on going battle and a long road to full recovery, I decided that it had to do with this upcoming weekend. Now, don’t laugh when you read this. Pretty please. One word, 5 letters.

PANTS.

This weekend it is my hometowns rodeo, and I usually go, which isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, it’s just a rodeo, what’s the big deal right? And what do pants have to do with anything? Good question, I’m sooo glad you asked. Well, normal people that don’t think about food, body image and how others perceive them every second  don’t even think twice about putting on their clothes. To them putting on their pants is merely another step to getting ready for the day or whatever event they go to. For me though, pants are apart of a very scary thing to me. It scares me to even think about the idea of putting these pants on in 3 days. I have actually purposely been avoiding wearing jeans for months now. I love these jeans that I own, they just put this gigantic shock wave of fear pulsing throughout my body.

Find These At Missme.com And Some Western Stores Near You!

 I feel so incredibly silly saying that I have this fear of my own blue jeans! It sounds goofy. This is a legitimate fear for me though. For me to put these pants on is a huge step. I’m going to do it, so there are no worries there, but it’s going to take a huge amount of effort. I’m going to take control of those jeans, pull them on and show them who is really the boss here. I can do this.

Here’s my final point I want to make. Let’s all remember to think before we speak please. It’s such a true statement that you never truly know what is going through a person’s mind. They could be stressing over their job, their relationship, money, or having thoughts that they simply aren’t good enough to be in those blue jeans they have on. Just remember, everyone is going through something, whether they look like it or not; because not everyone actually looks like they are suffering from an eating disorder.

So very very true. I always try to choose my words so as not to seem like I don't care or that they don't understand. To those fighting your silent battles, be strong :) you will conquer all things!

Make You Notice

This stands true for me since i've shut down from people, i feel more confident without their negative vibes bringing me down. I was tired of being excluded, and looked down on all while being friendly, polite, & supportive. I'm much more confident now. Self respect has taken away the insecurities. I'm also getting a very sharp intuition as i get older that i listen very closely to.

Yes, confidence is completely silent and it’s true that the opposite of that, insecurity, is extremely loud. They scream in your head, over and over again, telling you that you’re simply not good enough. For me, they are they quite often. Most of the time, I’m pretty good at keeping them under control or quieter, but there’s just some days that I tend to need more reassurance from another person. Well, one person in particular. I know, I know, you don’t need another person to validate your existence. Yeah, yeah. Sure you don’t. Of course you don’t. You can be happy all on your own and give yourself your own meaning, purpose and fulfill your own confidence. This is just my personal opinion, but I think that you’re lying to yourself if you say that you never ever need reassurance from another person. I think that everyone does no matter who you are. Every once and a while, you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to doubt your talents, your purpose, what you look like and the path you have chosen for yourself. Every once and a while, you need someone to tell you that you’re just fine how you are and they love you just the same. For me, every once and a while, I need someone to tell me they think I look pretty in this outfit I’m wearing.

Imperfection By Skillet

Maybe I’m not in a normal situation. I’m going through this whole recovery journey, and it’s really hard for me. I feel guilty, I feel normal, I feel great, I feel sad, I feel happy, and then the whole thing starts back over again. It’s an emotional roller coaster that I’m trying to very hard to get off of. And I think that because I’m on this journey, that I need more reassurance that some people. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I’m ridiculous for wanting someone to tell me that I’m doing everything just fine.

Don’t get me wrong, I know who I am as a person. It took me a really long time to get to this point, but I know who I am now. That was a very long process. I know what I want to do with my life. I don’t need anyone to validate me on either of these things. But is it really so wrong to want to be told that no matter how my body changes and no matter what I look as long as I am still me that you’re still going to love me? I don’t think its unreasonable.

Damn right.... Something I need to yell out often. To remind myself I am a good person and i do deserve the best

I’m not going to apologize for having insecurities however. Now, I know that might seem wrong, but I’m not. These insecurities are a part of me and help mold me into the person I am.

This is who I am. I have insecurities. I need you to say I’m okay. I need a little reassurance every now and again. I know that’s a hard concept for some people to understand, but with me, trying to get better, I think that it helps sometimes.

Our Deepest Fear

“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”

Have you ever done something you’re kind of ashamed of? I have. Haven’t we all? Have you ever done something that you were ashamed to tell someone? Even out loud to yourself?  I have. I did…today.

The thing about people with eating disorders, well, at least me, is that, no matter what you do you never feel like its working or like you’re good enough. Constantly, I have this overwhelming feeling of being inadequate, of being not pretty enough, smart enough, fit enough, healthy enough, happy enough, or kind enough. I go through at least 3 of these cycles throughout the day. Despite anything anyone tells me, I don’t feel good about myself. I could run a marathon and burn allllll of those calories and still feel like  I didn’t work hard enough and that I could’ve done more.

Anyways, back to that horrible thing that I didn’t want to tell anyone today.  I ate dinner, felt terrible, like I always do; then I traveled into the bathroom….and well I’m sure your imagination can take you to the correct place on this one. For the first time, in my entire life, throughout my entire journey with this torturous eating disorder, I threw up my food for the actual first time. It wasn’t all of it, just a little bit, but nevertheless I did it. It didn’t make me feel better. It didn’t make me feel worse either. It didn’t make me feel anything. I just feel like I’m anything. I’m feel like I’m not worth it to some people.

Most days are so hard for me, but i try to do better, i hate my bulimia, i wish it would just leave me already

I’m not a stupid girl. Don’t think that. I know that it’s not the ideal way to lose weight; I know it’s completely absurd. I know that it’s stupid and that people die from it. I don’t plan on doing it all the time. I don’t. I just thought, that in that moment, that it might alleviate some of the pain. It doesn’t.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, Fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? - Marianne Williamson