Tag Archives: Taylor Swift

Thinking Out Loud 5/18

Linking up with Amanda over on Running with Spoons for a Thinking Out Loud again 🙂 It’s been a very, very nice week 🙂 Amanda’s Blog

Thinking-Out-Loud2

  1. I had a really important job interview this past Monday morning. So, naturally, after my interview I OF COURSE carried on my tradition of an after interview Coke Zero and a selfie. I was really nervous, but it turned out that I think it’s going to end up being a new adventure 🙂

2. I can finally sing the Taylor Swift 22 song!!! Yay!! “Everything will be alright, if we just keep dancing like we’re 22!!!!” I’m pretty pumped.

3. Apparently, I no longer live in Texas. I live in Seattle or some sort of rain forest or permanent tropical storm. I know, I know, I’m a bad Texan for wishing away the rain, but it’s the middle of May, it’s yet to be actually sunny and it’s a whopping 58 degrees.

4. My little brother is now in NHS. He’s so cute, he wanted to take a picture with me yesterday 🙂 He’s getting too old!!!

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5. Lastly, birthday stuff!!!! Part of Marty’s present was this mug. It cracks me up and is pretty true. He’s adorable. 2016-05-17 20.22.21

My mom got me these super adorable Raggedy Ann salt and pepper shakers and a watch! I’ve learned through subbing that as a teacher, wearing a watch is super useful because you don’t always have a pocket to check your phone.

Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Thinking Out Loud

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Link Love 3/20

Fun Stuff-

21 Disney Prince Facts You Never Knew as a Kid– Hilary White via Popsugar

How To Dress ‘Cute Sexy’ Like Taylor Swift– Sheena Sharma via Elite Daily

I love Taylor Swift and her style is pretty cute. I will NOT be wearing crop tops anytime soon, but the ‘sexy teacher’ outfit suggestion cracked me up!

sexy-schoolteacher

Image: http://elitedaily.com/women/taylor-swift-style/1418001/

Royal Reckoning: Modern Moms Say Strong Girls Love Princesses Too– Allison Slater Tate via today.com

I loved this because I really strongly dislike all the hate Disney princesses get because they want to have a prince, fall in love, or wait for a man.

TV Shows/Entertainment-

19 Recipes For the ‘Gilmore Girls’ Fanatic – Emma Karpinski via HerCampus

Because I’m totally in love with Gilmore Girls and my husband relentless makes fun of me for it.

Seriously, FICA, seriously?The struggle has been real. Thanks to Buzzfeed for coming up with 23 times Rachel Green summarized your twenties.

23 Happy “Grey’s Anatomy” Moments That Prove It’s Not All Bad– Zakiya Jamal via Buzzfeed.

Because I am seriously beginning to doubt.

Health/Body Positive-

An Open Letter to the Body I Destroyed through Anorexia – Anonymous Author via HerCampus

This is probably going to be a difficult read. It was for me because it resonates with me so deeply and I can pretty much check mark most of the things off my list that this author writes about. It just made me ache a little.

Emma Watson Opens Up About Her Struggles With Low Self Esteem– Sarah Lindig via Harper’s Bazaar

As if you didn’t love her already.

 

God Thinks You’re Beautiful– Sheila Walsh via Proverbs 31 Ministries

This was kind of a lengthy article, but it was good for the most part.

Like Razor Blade Pain

So, this is what I get, y’all. This is what I get for trying to be healthy and trying to get better. I get bruises that cover my entire knee on both my legs, cuts on my wrists, this bruise/scrape all down my right arm and then finally, a huge scrape/gash on my right knee. Needless to say, I’m unfortunately pretty dang clumsy. I mean, seriously, one second I was running along minding my own business, and the next second I was on the ground!! (I was running in a very public place by the way, so I’m sure somebody got a good laugh out of my fall.) This is like a major flashback from the summer of 2013.

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Normal people might consider this a bit of a blessing. It would give them a chance to recover, get back to normal with health, and just take an overall breather from their hectic/rigorous/time consuming workout. Wellllll, if only I could relate to that or say it was me. I didn’t fully finish my run today because I fell, and that’s been driving me absolutely nuts all day, not to mention I have to figure out a way to actually do workouts now. Because I’m totally positive actual running is completely out of the question seeing as how it’s kinda hard to walk. So now, I’m faced with another challenge to add to my plate. With my eating disorder, I’ve made working out a part of my daily routine. I have to do it and I usually don’t have a choice. Truthfully, I’m obsessed. Not on purpose though, don’t get confused there. Now I have to figure out some way to do it. I think I might go crazy if I can’t. I don’t see how bending my knee is going to be easy, but I’m so crazy….that I’m gonna try to find some way to do it. I feel like if I don’t, that leads to even more restricted eating, even more fear, and that ultimately leads to even more deteriorated mental health. I can’t do that! I can’t live like that! It’s not living. I’m already kind of maxed out on stress in that department. With the stress I’ve already created for myself in that department over the years, the extra stress from my upcoming nuptials, and anxiety from the student teaching adventure I’m about to embark on, I really don’t need this added on to it.

leg

That being said…I found this the other day——->
rain came pouring down

I feel like all the time that people don’t take me seriously or they don’t think I’m “sick” because I’m not skin and bones and I actually make myself eat some food (even though it may not be sufficient.) The truth is though….I am sick. Sometimes I think maybe sicker in some ways than I was before. Sometimes I think it’s worse than it was in 2013 or when I first went to therapy. I’m just not totally positive.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody hears me.

But what are they even going to do anymore? I don’t really want to hear anyone say to me “just eat” or “it’s going to be okay”. I think maybe, I want them to feel it?

On a lighter note, just FYI, being clumsy and running don’t mix (haha) AND I’ll be doing my student teaching in 1st Grade 🙂

If You’re Ever Gonna Find A Silver Lining

On staying curious: | 16 Walt Disney Quotes To Help Guide You Through Life

It’s late at night while I’m writing this, but that’s when all the best writing happens isn’t it? Over the past week I’ve been a roller coaster. I’ve done many things that have put me out of my comfort zone, literally made me want to cry and run FAR away and most of all, challenged me to be in ACTIVE recovery.

This past week, I had to go to the doctor for the whole “checkup” nonsense. Anyways, anybody who has been to the doctor knows that the first (possibly most annoying) thing they do is take your weight. It infuriates me. I’m sure the nurses at the office hate me because I literally grumble every time I have to do it. So, I stepped on the scale, backwards 🙂 it’s just what I do. I don’t want to see the number, so why act like it? I don’t need to know. I don’t want to know. There’s no need to subject myself to that torture when clearly I didn’t seek the scale out. (Side note: This is a giant hurdle for me, considering I don’t even know where the scale in my own house is.) Anyways, I avoided a crisis there, so I’d say that was a solid win for the week.

The curious paradox...

Then today, when I was with my fiancé, we ate Whataburger for lunch. I tried my best to be healthy, like I always do. I’ve scrupulously have studied the menu at this burger joint and know what are and aren’t the “best” choices. So, I picked what I thought was best, pretty much ate around the bread on the sandwich, BUT I ate the french fries that came with the order. I ATE FRENCH FRIES Y’ALL. I didn’t even freak out til hourssssss later. It was a minor win though. Minor because of the fact that I freaked out later and just about wanted to die (literally). I came home from my fiancé’s house and almost lost it. I changed clothes and tried my best to “run” it off, or get on the elliptical and get it off/out of me in some way. But I’m still here, I’m still breathing and my clothes still somehow fit. It’s all a difficult process for me. I know that it was a win. I know that eating food is good for me. (Side note: We aren’t even going to talk about how I’ve eaten this week.) But I’m slowly, slowly, slowly going to get there.

Track 2 lyrics! I knew Incredible Things (the perfume) had to have a meaning!!! Like Wonderstruck and Enchanted!!

It’s like Taylor Swift says in Blank Space, “Darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.”  That’s what an eating disorder is! A ‘nightmare’ clothed in a ‘daydream’. It’s not! It’s soooooo not. Ed starts out by saying “Nice to meet you, where you been. I could show you incredible things.” His and my version of incredible things, are VERY different. Everyone idolized the women who can eat little to nothing at meals, eat low calorie meals, shows self-restraint around sweets or foods deemed unhealthy, and basically because they are thin. They shouldn’t though because you don’t know how those women feel alone or at night. They could feel like they are in the middle of their own nightmare when you see it as a daydream. I just think it’s one of the best lines to describe an eating disorder in a quick manner.

Taylor Swift - Blank Space  Like if this is you too! Cause this is soooo me!

“Every moment of light and dark is a miracle.”  ― Walt Whitman

I’m trying really hard not to bring this Ed into my new marriage. However, that just doesn’t seem possible. It’s going to come with me. Like it or not, this e.d. is a part of me. I can’t just blink it away, but I can accept it and I can accept that I’m always going to be recovering.

Make The Moves Up As I Go

Do you ever wonder how you got yourself into a situation? Do you retrace your steps; go back to where it all began? Sometimes I just sit, fully immersed in thought and how I got to where I am and trying to even minimally comprehend God’s intense and beautiful plan. The other day I was enjoying this thought process. How did I get here? How did I get to be almost 21? How did I get to be at this level at college waiting to retake my last teacher certification exam? HOW did I get to the age where I was ready to get married? I mean, I’m about to go in for my dress fitting! Like, what? How did I even end up with this man and how did someone not find him in North Carolina before I did? How did I get here?

10 Memorable Carrie Bradshaw Quotes to Live By

I think that a lot of people go through this thought process. You go through life thinking that everything is the same. You live day to day, in the same routine until suddenly; you realize that your life has changed without you even realizing it! And no, it’s NOT a bad thing! It’s a good thing, because if you actually got to see your life changing I don’t think you would let it happen. Change is scary and usually quite unwelcome. It’s difficult to embrace but it’s something that we all need. For now, at 20 years old, all of these changes are really exhilarating and sometimes overwhelming. That’s the beauty of it though 🙂 Overwhelming is sometimes a good emotion. I’m trying to embrace this crazy ride right now. Between school, wedding planning and sorting out things with a new house to live in, things are a little nuts. But this is one of the best times of your life right? At least that’s how I see it. Everything is new and fresh and still sparkly. I can’t tarnish that; I have to take mental pictures to be able to remember as much of this as I possibly can. I don’t want it to pass me in a blur.

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Which brings me to my final point about change….I’ll never be able to fully comprehend what makes a person go through ups and downs emotionally. I never understand what makes this happen to me. I don’t get how sometimes I can just magically feel fine and then 12 hours later feel completely awful and I want to lie on my floor and give up. How does that work? I don’t know where it comes from or how to be rid of it. It’s been like this for a couple of weeks now; I don’t think I cope with it well. I don’t cope with stress, or uncertainty, or myself changing very well. I don’t know how to handle myself looking differently. I can’t wrap my mind around someone looking at me differently, scrutinizing my body in weird ways. Actually, maybe that second part is just me. Maybe this is all pre-wedding dress fitting jitters, but I’m just trying to keep all my thoughts collected and in one place. Change is a long and constant road. There’s no escaping.

Girl Crush

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0TxUL_5Gl0

Here this goes.

So, something that has become popular in today’s society is “women crushes”/ “girl crushes” etc. It’s done by both men and women. Whether it’s men who find these women insanely attractive or women who just acknowledge the fact that this famous women is pretty, I assure you, it’s a real thing. I mean, there are whole Pinterest boards devoted to this subject.

I even have some of my own: Emma Watson, Emma Stone (okay, any woman named Emma apparently), Leighton Meester, Taylor Swift, Shailene Woodley, Amiee Teegarden, I’m positive there are others but this is ALL beside the point.

How to get Blair Waldorf's Hair and Makeup Look.

Amiee Teegarden! Such an inspiration. Great body, great quote! (Wish FNL hadn't ended!)Shailene Woodley is so inspiring. She picks you up when your down, and she is beautiful. She inspired me to maybe be an actress when I grow up! Shes sooo amzing and down to earth definitely #WCW Wednesday

My point is, I think that I have a “girl crush” on a figment of my imagination. I think that I have created an ideal image of what I am supposed to look like. I think I’ve somehow meshed and mashed all these women together and then morphed them into something that I think that I want to be. The other option is that I’ve taken myself, grown about 2 1/2 to 3 inches, grown my hair and changed pretty much how my body functions altogether.

“I want her long blonde hair, I want her magic touch.”

I was in my car the other day and that Little Big Town song came on and I suddenly related to about have the things they were singing about in that song in a completely different manner than how they meant. I realized that I want everything that this fictional and completely imagined “Kairos” has. What she smells like, her hair, her clothes, the way she smiles and laughs, her friends, carefree attitude, and whoever in the world is wanting her in this song (insert laugh track here). 

“I got it real bad, want everything she has.”

“I don’t get no sleep, I don’t get no peace,

thinking about her.”

That’s the line where I realize, you can’t be constantly trying to make a “better” you. I’ve got to be happy with the person that God created me to be, whatever she may look like. I know that it’s a hard concept to fully accept who you are, but I will never find peace if I don’t start at least trying to be happy with myself. 

Be Your Own Angel

Time for my annual rant. If you don’t wanna hear it and you’re going to say “they work hard for their bodies and train as hard as anyone else.” Stop reading now. Go!

First thoughts when you first hear about the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show:

“Oh, great I like to watch that every year.”

“Then again, I just love to torture myself.”

“Skinny and pretty models parading around in underwear. Lovely.”

“Oh, but I love T-Swift. Ed Sheeran too!”

“I guess I’ll watch. Stupid models. Making girls self esteem go down every year around this time.”

So, I admit it, I pretty much watch this every year. I guess you could say it’s “torture”. I don’t know if I feel quite that way about it though. I’ve read and researched a lot of information about this fashion show and how the models workout and how they diet and how they prepare for this upcoming show. I don’t even want to explain that. It’s a lot of words that you could probably guess at or make your own assumptions about how those “angels” live. I’m not saying they don’t eat pizza, because I don’t know how those women live. I’m also not saying that they don’t work hard to maintain those “perfect bodies”. What I am saying though, is that does this industry have to only showcase this singular type of woman?

There are plenty of different sized women in the world. Plenty. And not one single type of woman appeals to all men. I’m not saying that we have to necessarily only showcase bigger than size 10 women, size 0 or size 6. I’m just saying that there could be variety added to the show! Seriously. Let’s spice up this thing or change it up so that it’s not horrifically predictable.

Thoughts during the VS Show:

“Well I feel fat.”

“She’s not even pretty.”

“I hope she falls.”

“Is she married?”

“Tomorrow I start running. I’m never going to look like that.”

I think that it’s important to show that all different body types are beautiful. I think it’s vital to show little girls, teen girls, young women, college girls, and even older women that their bodies are beautiful just the way they are. I know that I for one have trouble accepting these compliments or truths, I struggled with it all today. I just believe that it’s important to show young girls and daughters and mothers that just because they aren’t a size 0-2 doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful. It means that they are beautiful to their friends, boyfriends, fiances, and husbands just the way they are.

Yeah, the VS Show gets a lot of heat each and every year. Sure, the whole company catches flack for these models. I’m sure they don’t blink an eye at it anymore. But let me just say…..seeing your ribs isn’t normal nor do I feel that it should be praised. Final point, yes, they are pretty and work hard, but I don’t like the message they are conveying (whether it be intentional or not).

VS and Society’s view of beauty literally is “a nightmare dressed like a daydream”. Believe me, I live that nightmare. It seems like a sparkly dream, but it’s not, it’s really not. The vision at the end is not worth the journey to get there…….(insert experience here).

Positivity Is Always Welcome

So yesterday, I was browsing Yahoo! like I usually do when I stumbled upon these 3 articles that interested me.

  1. Even Taylor Swift Isn’t Safe From Body Shaming-  https://www.yahoo.com/style/taylor-swift-looks-so-much-like-a-supermodel-that-102535446423.html
  2. Hilary Duff Tells Health Magazien She Was ‘Way Too Skinny’ As A Teen- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/13/hilary-duff-skinny_n_6152136.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592
  3. Demi Lovato Slams Meghan Trainor After Eating Disorder Remarks- http://www.celebuzz.com/2014-11-13/megahn-trainor-demi-lovato-eating-disorders/

So, what do all of these articles have in common? The fact that they are stars either trying to promote positive body image or talk about the fact we should stop body shaming. Let’s start with the first.

  • The first is about poor Taylor Swift and how no matter how good she looks, somebody is always going to say that some part of her isn’t good enough. Some famous person decided to say that she ‘needed to get a booty’ like really? Who’s business is that? Pretty sure just Taylor’s. That’s how it is for all people though. There’s always someone who doesn’t think you’re good enough. There’s a quote from Taylor that I just read the other day that I think is fitting.

“If we continue to show young girls that they are being compared to other girls, we’re doing ourselves a huge disservice as a society,” Swift states. “I surround myself with smart, beautiful, passionate, driven, ambitious women. Other women who are killing it should motivate you, thrill you, challenge you and inspire you rather than threaten you and make you feel like you’re immediately being compared to them.”

shake it off performance - her outfit is like the 1989 version of the sparks fly dress and I love it

  • When I was a kid I used to watch Lizzie McGuire ALL THE TIME. I loved that show and I totally loved Hilary Duff. Even after her Disney Channel years I still continued/continue to love her. I never even thought anything of her weight. However, in her later year I did notice she was like superrrrr skinny. Probably not healthy. But I absolutely love what she said in this article.

“When I was 17, I weighed, like, 98 pounds. I was totally obsessed with everything I put in my mouth. I was way too skinny. Not cute. And my body wasn’t that healthy — my hands would cramp up a lot because I wasn’t getting the nutrition I needed. That constant pressure of wanting something different than I had? I regret that. I feel like there was way too much time spent thinking about that.”

Skinny Minnie

Best Dressed: Hilary Duff (September 2013)

  • Finally the Meghan Trainor incident. During an interview she was talking about her songs ‘All About That Bass’. At first she talked about how she grew up and how her parents fed her and then how once someone told her she would look better if she was 10 pounds lighter. Then she goes on to say something pretty offensive.

“I wasn’t strong enough to have an eating disorder. I tried to go anorexic for a good three hours. I ate ice and celery, but that’s not even anorexic. And I quit. I was like, ‘Ma, can you make me a sandwich? Like, immediately.'”

Enter Demi Lovato who went on this fairly epic twitter rant about how eating disorders aren’t choices and it’s NEVER about having the ‘strength’ to have anorexia or bulimia. It’s a REAL mental disorder and anyone who has is suffers tremendously.

Meghan Trainor "Close Your Eyes"

Speaking of Meghan Trainor, I actually stumbled upon this song by her the other day that I really really love. 

CLEAN

addict (noun)-a person who is addicted to an activity, habit, or substance.

"The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself" -Mark Twain Repinned from Noble Quotes

I’ve never thought of myself as an addict. I’ve honestly never even considered the word or the fact that someone other than a person addicted to drugs or cigarettes was an addict. However, as I ponder this thought, I realize, by the definition, I can fall under this category.

I’m addicted to the idea of looking pretty. Addicted to the thought of being a size 2. Addicted to feeling or seeing bone and well..just anything pertaining to eating disorders. I don’t even know what the ideal image I’m searching for looks like. I don’t even have that mental picture! It’s an intriguing thought though, considering yourself an addict. 

I know  that people are going to say ‘you’re pretty no matter what’ or ‘inside and out’, but sometimes that’s not enough and sometimes….it is. Sometimes you need to feel they mean it, or feel pretty inside and out. 

There is a ray of sunshine at the end of this very very dark tunnel. There’s always an opportunity for an addict to come clean.

 “10 months sober, I must admit
Just because you’re clean don’t mean you miss it.”

Just because you are in recovery doesn’t mean you don’t go through periods of time where you feel the heavy burden of being perfect or being whatever your ideal image is. You….just sorta miss it. It doesn’t make sense. It’s never going to make sense. You just miss it; there’s really no logical explanation for why you miss something that hurts you. 

“Baby I know places we won’t be found and they’ll be chasing our trace tryin’ to track us down”

I need go someplace where Ed can’t find me. That’s not a possibility though simply because Ed is in my head. He knows my every waking thought and every emotion. He lives with me. He’s a part of me and he’s always going to be. BUT when you become clean, that voice that usually screams at you? Well, that voice, suddenly becomes silent much more often. More than you every fathomed possible. 

Band-aids Don’t Fix Bullet Holes

This quote can apply to all of us. It is so true though!

There’s all kinds of rapid heart beats. The sweaty palms, Christmas morning, falling in love and crossing the finish line of your latest achievement. The two types that I think are most prominent though, is the rapid heart beat of excitement and the rapid heart beat of your absolute worst fear.

Sitting at a table with two people to my left and one to my right, it seemed like an ordinary class day. I’m an education major so I take all sorts of classes. In this class, we are currently discussing nutrition, a subject already touchy for me. I figured it was going to be fine, I mean, it’s about kids. How back could this be? Bad. Very bad. Things are about to take a turn for the worst.

Now, back to these three people I’m sitting with. I know them, we’re friends, but they know nothing about e.d. Nobody really does, nor should they. As the professor starts class, all of us are about to be asked to do something nobody in the class wants to do. As the professor goes on ranting about obesity I’m already cringing and sliding down in my seat. She’s lost my interest and my heart is already beating abnormally. Then, I hear a dreaded sentence that evokes fear in me. I can feel my heart beat speeding up, my hands shake and I’m almost certain my face is pale. Let’s hope nobody notices. “Go to the BMI website on your ipad and go ahead and calculate your BMI.”

Wait. Stop. Pause. Slow Down.

Who in their right mind would do this? Who’s ever okay with this?! I watch as the whole room clicks open the screen and does what they were asked, as I sit still, angry beyond belief and trying to distract myself. I hear the girl cry out at the table behind me, upset about her own BMI being too high. Exactly why this assignment was absurd. Thank goodness it wasn’t for a grade and she didn’t notice I didn’t participate.

I felt completely blindsided by this. I suddenly felt like everyone was analyzing me, my professor mostly. I wanted to punch her. I know, that’s a little extreme, maybe just throw my pen at her. Definitely give her a gigantic piece of my mind and a little insight into how that assignment made me feel.

Bullet hole in the chest. Gasping for air. Faded eyes and pale face. 

I did not appreciate that.