Tag Archives: therapy

The 5 of Us vs. The Battle

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Sounds easy, right? Well, for me admitting I had a problem was simple. Actually referring to the problem by it’s correct name and wanting help for it, well that’s another story. A story that actually plays out for a number of years. Yesterday, September 11, 2015 was the day that a step was taken. The word was thought, typed and finally spoken. I was ready to admit it. So, here it goes……I, Kairos Brynn McCollum, have Anorexia. (I’ve now starred at this screen for 5 minutes without typing). That’s it y’all. That’s all I’ve got. It took me a while to be even able to think this word. Then….I had to admit to myself that that’s what was actually going on with me. Then, I had to type it out and send it to my Mom…and then Marty. Two of THE most important people in my life, I had to tell me. I had to say the word to them and make it real and not just some figment of my imagination.

Anorexia kills people y’all. It’s really scary. It’s a really terrifying moment when you realize something is eating you alive. Day by day, piece by piece it eats and chips away at you.

Perfectionism kills people y’all. I have this stupid, stupid need to have everything be perfect. But guess what, life isn’t perfect! I know that! But for some reason I still continue to strive for something that is literally impossible. What’s up with that?

Anxiety kills people y’all. My life is one giant anxiety ball. Every little thing can set it off. It’s been my whole life, not on purpose, but it has.  I’m so ritualistic that I can’t have one thing be off during the day. I eat the same foods I need to. I do the exact same thing everyday-wake up, get dressed, eat the same breakfast, go to school, WORKOUT, eat some safe food for dinner, then, if there is time for anything else do it, and finally sleep. Anxiety is scary.

I’ve been to therapy before, my first year at ASU, at that point, I had only admitted that I had an eating disorder. I had an “ED”. I didn’t have…..anorexia. It wasn’t really real until the other day. So, here I am, typing it out, boldly attaching myself to this hideous, ugly, downright vulgar word. Think about it, what an ugly word that is!!!

Recovery

So, you may be wondering, ‘How did I get to the point where I decided to admit this? What made me come to this sudden realization?’ Well, for student teaching, we have to record ourselves for 2 minutes teaching a lesson. As I watched myself teaching, I saw how truly thin I was…and how that wasn’t healthy. I knew I’d been doing some things differently lately but I didn’t realize they were actually making me thinner. I didn’t realize that I was thinner in the mirror than I was in my head. I think getting married has just escalated things, well the dress I mean. (Not that I think getting married is bad at all. I’m so so excited to marry the love of my life. I can’t wait for it to get here.) I think I’ve just been stressed. So, here I am, saying that I’m gonna have to get help. I’m gonna have to do some things differently. Am I ready to do that before I get married in 34ish days? I’m not sure. Am I going to be ready on October 18th? Yes. Am I ready to feel better? Yes! Am I ready to not hate myself? Definitely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to love myself.

So, how did I get here? How did this happen to me? Sometimes I wonder if I did something to make myself deserve this? Do I deserve to physically and mentally be in pain over eating a peanut butter sandwich or a hamburger? Or heck, even bread? I used to be mad at God, but now, I think I’m just a little upset sometimes with Him but I don’t think I’m angry anymore. I realize that I need to be able to turn to Him for prayer and comfort and that He DIDN’T do this to me.

"The Lord heals the brokenhearted, binds up their wounds, numbers all the stars, calls each of them by name.":

I used to think it was just me against the world. But after talking, I’ve realized it’s really not. It’s not Kairos v. Eating Disorder v. Anorexia v. the world. It’s Kairos (well, plus God) and Dad, Mom, Keegan and Marty against all those evil things.

PhototasticCollage-2015-09-12-16-51-23

I’m really scared, totally terrified and completely petrified. I don’t like change. Even just saying the word right now literally means that nothing is the same. My entire mind and body changes. But for now, step 1 is saying the word. I did that. That’s pretty much all I can give right now. I’ll get to step 2, it’s just going to take a little bit. It took years to get to step 1, but it’s a positive step no matter how much time it took. I’ve never been more scared, but I know that there are at least 4 truly wonderful people who are more than willing to hold my hand through this.

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One Night At A Time

"Your Plan" -Dustin Lynch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roB7vX2N4cs

Last week was my first week back at school…oh the joy. I haven’t had time to go back my counselor’s office, nor have I really decided what I want to do when it comes to that department. I decided that the best method to her know that I did survive my summer classes and didn’t die from excessive work overdose 😉 that I would just send her an email. Now, this summer has been interesting to me. I think that this summer was the first in a very long time I haven’t felt like I was trapped with this ED or like it’s controlling my life the entire summer. So, well, I pretty much said that in my email. Keeping it simple. I also told her that this summer has been another first for me…this is muchhhhhh more important than what I just said. I told her that after a whole year of therapy and even the whole summer, that I think that I finally can consider myself “in recovery”. That may not seem like much to you, but it really it. It’s the ultimate goal for me and I assume for many others burdened with eating disorders.

I’m not saying that I don’t have bad days, because I definitely do.

However, I am saying that I do, in fact, feel more “okay” about myself. I don’t feel “good” or “great” yet, and maybe I never will. I’m just not sure; I’m not to that point in my recovery process or life so how could I even fathom what it’s going to be like down the road????? Right now I’m just pretty pleased with the fact that I’m not flinging myself on the bathroom tile and crying, or stabbing my fingernails into my upper thighs while I cry or try to prevent the crying. I don’t have a fear of breaking down in the middle of class or having to refrain from interjecting my opinion because it wouldn’t be exactly what somebody wants to hear. I’ve come a long way in the past year and a half y’all.

But what my therapist said probably helped me more than what I typed out:

I loved that she was just so ecstatic for me!! That’s exactly what I needed and her quote that she gave me made me feel even better. It made me feel like I was doing something right and like I had been actually working hard enough to achieve something.

These days, I’m really really thankful for those who help me through this.