Tag Archives: upset

You Don’t Have To Try So Hard

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnKodtLnqLQ

 

try- colbie caillatI don’t have a whole bunch to say about this song, considering it easily speaks for itself. The only reason I picked the Danielle Bradbery version over the original Colbie Caillat track is because I’m just a gigantic Danielle fan and I just love her voice. The actual Colbie Caillat video is actually pretty amazing too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

danielle bradbery : my role model!

Danielle Bradbery - Baltimore Orioles v Houston Astros


I had never heard heard of this song until just the other day. I immediately knew that it was a song for people just like me going through the same things I’m going through. It’s just a song about trying to fit it and pushing yourself to your absolute limit just to attempt at being accepted. But what she’s saying is what we all need to realize, that people that truly love you, should accept you for exactly who you are; without the makeup, without the perfectly placed hair and without the endless hardcore workouts. You don’t have to try so hard…you don’t have to try, try, try.

“Look into the mirror, at yourself,

Don’t you like you?

Cause I like you.”

 

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Speak Now

Powerful reminder to THINK before you speak.Think before you speak.  My father's lesson for sure.

Think before you speak. We have all heard those words countless amount of times and we definitely comprehend the meaning. However, the question is here is are we listening to what that phrase really means? Thinking before we speak is more important than we think it is. It’s more than insulting someone’s new outfit, haircut or dating choices. Words have the power to destroy people or build people up. It just all depends on how we choose to use to put these words together to make phrases, sentences and paragraphs.

I know from firsthand just how much words can hurt. The words that someone once said to me when I was a young girl led me to spiral into this darkness that I’m still trying to dig and crawl my way out of. My self esteem was already at a low level and adding that comment into my  repertoire didn’t  help my case any.

I recently had a friend that had the same thing happen to her. My heart hurt for her because I knew exactly how she felt and how much that stung. I seriously wanted to drive over their and punch that person in the face for her! Here again I say, think before you speak please!!!

You can never ever know what another person is going through, what their personal struggles are or how they will take what you say to them, whether it was meant as a joke, sarcastically or in any other manner. My point is, overall, think before you speak. Words are more powerful than you think. They can slice people into tiny pieces, make them cry on the floor or they can make them smile and believe in themselves. Use yours for positive and good experiences and not negative ones. 

speak now prolouge - words of absolute wisdom. thank you taylor swift

Be careful with your words...

Flawed People

http://mytinysecrets.com/you-say-flawed-he-says-sexy-what-men-really-think-about-your-body/

I was reading this the other day after it was sent to me. I’ve read something similar to this before but I can’t exactly remember it. Anyways, I was reading this and tears started to build up in my eyes (if you haven’t caught on by now, I’m a pretty big crier). I’ve read before that men don’t see your body they way that you do at all. They only see the parts that make you “unique” and “you”. Is that true? Like do men really think that or is that just something people say to self conscious women to make them feel better and shut up about their insecurities? Or do people really think that way? Because if they do, that might make me feel a thousand times better.

There is no such thing as perfect and you should strive to develop an attitude of gratitude to make all those around you feel loved.

I think that I just wished that we lived in the world where people-both women and men alike-didn’t have to constantly live in comparison to other people. I know that I personally compare myself to other women all the time. And I know that’s dumb and you shouldn’t keep doing that because ‘you’re only hurting yourself’. I can’t help it though. It just seems to keep coming back and keep playing over and over again. …….yay……

Back to my point though, this article enlightened me. Whether this has any truth to it or not, it made me feel better for 5 whole minutes.

"Riser" -Dierks Bentley

I’m A Trier

 

Love yourself! @brittany valania <3

Have you ever had to restrain yourself from throwing up? Well, actually for me, look it up. I mean, I know how to and all, I just can’t ever make myself actually do it, or perfect that are. Yeah, yeah, “that’s bad for you”, “don’t do that”, “that’s self harm”. Blah, blah,  blah. I’ve heard all of that before. I get it. Thanks so much for contributing to the “love yourself as you are” party.

EDNOS, or 'eating disorder not otherwise specified,' affects 24 million Americans. EDNOS is dangerous, because its unknown to some, and easily overlooked, Those with EDNOS show signs of bulimia and anorexia, where their symptoms are the same, but don't fully meet the full criteria of those disorders.'A lot of people think - just because you don't meet the weight criteria, "Oh, you don't have an eating disorder."' People get caught up in physical appearance which can't reveal the real suffering -

It’s like no matter what I do nothing works. Being around people, eating what they eat, acting like they act, nothing. It just doesn’t work. Wanna help me out here? Like seriously, I literally cannot do this. I recently got…well…in a fight I guess about having this insecurity/eating disorder/craziness going around in my head. I don’t have a handle on this. No matter how much you think I do. When I get oddly quiet for myself, you should probably be concerned. I’m sitting in that chair there thinking about it. I’m sitting next to you on the couch thinking about it. I’m laying in bed at night thinking about it. Thankfully I haven’t dreamed about it. It eats away at me, day after day, night after night, hour after hour. I’d say I need help but I swear that doesn’t even seem to be working. Am I to damaged to help?  Beyond the point of repair? Am I at that point where nobody even cares that it upset me anymore? If there was a magic pill, believe me, I’d take it in a heartbeat. But there isn’t.

Love Yourself First | LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. | via Tumblr | We Heart It

But in my car ride home today, I found myself grasping at the fat at my body, over analyzing my legs thinking about everything I couldn’t eat and every way I could avoid eating. I was with my friends tonight and they always manage to comment on how much I didn’t eat or how I need to eat more. I don’t think they truly comprehend the condition. Then again, I don’t really plan to go into explaining what’s going on in my mind and with my body.

I think that I just have this overwhelming feeling that nobody is going to think I’m pretty. I guess that’s irrational considering there is literally and infinite amount of people with allllllll different body types on this planet. At the end of the day, at least one person will find something beautiful about them. I’ve also heard it said that beauty is only skin deep and it’s really the type of person that you are that makes you truly beautiful. If you’re heart is beautiful then it flows from the inside out and allows you to glow and shine on the outside. That’s the goal here. It’s the ultimate finish line. We’ll get there….eventually.

This is for any recovery... a bad relationship, abuse, violence, eating disorders, etc. Recovery is never easy, but we hope and pray that in the end, we get there, and its worth it in the end.

Words of truth. We can find the way forward if we listen to our hearts and learn to change our thoughts. #inspirational #quote #recovery

Battlefield

Stillbirth, stillborn, pregnancy loss, infant loss, misscarriageHave you ever wonder what it would be like to be inside someone else’s mind? To know all their thoughts, the way they process things, the way they feel about others, but most importantly, how they think and speak to themselves? Okay, maybe that last part is just me. I wonder that all the time. How do others speak and perceive themselves? Do they constantly beat themselves up? Continuously tell themselves they aren’t good enough? Do they even feel bad about anything to eat? I don’t have all the answers to any of those questions, I only know what I think and what my own personal experience is.

Today, I wanted to eat Rosa’s for lunch, so I did. When I walked into that restaurant, I told myself that I wasn’t going to feel bad about what I was eating and for three whole minutes, I believed myself.  But as soon as I held that to go bag in my hand, I knew that everything I had just tried to prepare myself for was about to happen.  I was about to eat my lunch, and literally, as I was in the process of eating it, I was going to feel bad about it. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to fix that feeling that I have right now. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do at this moment that are going to take this pain and heaviness I’m feeling on my heart right now and make it go away. I guess I can try, but I don’t even know where to begin, which is the problem I come to the majority of the time.

Glee | Quote

There’s some days, where I can handle anything that this ed wants to throw at me, and then there’s others, where I eat a cracker or drink some water and I just want to die because I blew my whole entire eating plan. Don’t ask me  how I have either of these days, because if I knew I’m completely eliminate one from my life. But that’s not how it is. That’s not how it is for my life. I live in  world where beauty and looks are what everyone values. However, I was reading the Bible the other day, and I know this verse to be true already, but 1 Peter 3:3-4 says that it’s not your outward appearance that should validate you and make you who you are as a person, but the person that you are on the inside who should define who you are.

Scripture Art Bible Verse Art Faith Based Art 1 by faithforward, $39.00

Glee

Make You Notice

This stands true for me since i've shut down from people, i feel more confident without their negative vibes bringing me down. I was tired of being excluded, and looked down on all while being friendly, polite, & supportive. I'm much more confident now. Self respect has taken away the insecurities. I'm also getting a very sharp intuition as i get older that i listen very closely to.

Yes, confidence is completely silent and it’s true that the opposite of that, insecurity, is extremely loud. They scream in your head, over and over again, telling you that you’re simply not good enough. For me, they are they quite often. Most of the time, I’m pretty good at keeping them under control or quieter, but there’s just some days that I tend to need more reassurance from another person. Well, one person in particular. I know, I know, you don’t need another person to validate your existence. Yeah, yeah. Sure you don’t. Of course you don’t. You can be happy all on your own and give yourself your own meaning, purpose and fulfill your own confidence. This is just my personal opinion, but I think that you’re lying to yourself if you say that you never ever need reassurance from another person. I think that everyone does no matter who you are. Every once and a while, you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to doubt your talents, your purpose, what you look like and the path you have chosen for yourself. Every once and a while, you need someone to tell you that you’re just fine how you are and they love you just the same. For me, every once and a while, I need someone to tell me they think I look pretty in this outfit I’m wearing.

Imperfection By Skillet

Maybe I’m not in a normal situation. I’m going through this whole recovery journey, and it’s really hard for me. I feel guilty, I feel normal, I feel great, I feel sad, I feel happy, and then the whole thing starts back over again. It’s an emotional roller coaster that I’m trying to very hard to get off of. And I think that because I’m on this journey, that I need more reassurance that some people. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I’m ridiculous for wanting someone to tell me that I’m doing everything just fine.

Don’t get me wrong, I know who I am as a person. It took me a really long time to get to this point, but I know who I am now. That was a very long process. I know what I want to do with my life. I don’t need anyone to validate me on either of these things. But is it really so wrong to want to be told that no matter how my body changes and no matter what I look as long as I am still me that you’re still going to love me? I don’t think its unreasonable.

Damn right.... Something I need to yell out often. To remind myself I am a good person and i do deserve the best

I’m not going to apologize for having insecurities however. Now, I know that might seem wrong, but I’m not. These insecurities are a part of me and help mold me into the person I am.

This is who I am. I have insecurities. I need you to say I’m okay. I need a little reassurance every now and again. I know that’s a hard concept for some people to understand, but with me, trying to get better, I think that it helps sometimes.

Our Deepest Fear

“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”

Have you ever done something you’re kind of ashamed of? I have. Haven’t we all? Have you ever done something that you were ashamed to tell someone? Even out loud to yourself?  I have. I did…today.

The thing about people with eating disorders, well, at least me, is that, no matter what you do you never feel like its working or like you’re good enough. Constantly, I have this overwhelming feeling of being inadequate, of being not pretty enough, smart enough, fit enough, healthy enough, happy enough, or kind enough. I go through at least 3 of these cycles throughout the day. Despite anything anyone tells me, I don’t feel good about myself. I could run a marathon and burn allllll of those calories and still feel like  I didn’t work hard enough and that I could’ve done more.

Anyways, back to that horrible thing that I didn’t want to tell anyone today.  I ate dinner, felt terrible, like I always do; then I traveled into the bathroom….and well I’m sure your imagination can take you to the correct place on this one. For the first time, in my entire life, throughout my entire journey with this torturous eating disorder, I threw up my food for the actual first time. It wasn’t all of it, just a little bit, but nevertheless I did it. It didn’t make me feel better. It didn’t make me feel worse either. It didn’t make me feel anything. I just feel like I’m anything. I’m feel like I’m not worth it to some people.

Most days are so hard for me, but i try to do better, i hate my bulimia, i wish it would just leave me already

I’m not a stupid girl. Don’t think that. I know that it’s not the ideal way to lose weight; I know it’s completely absurd. I know that it’s stupid and that people die from it. I don’t plan on doing it all the time. I don’t. I just thought, that in that moment, that it might alleviate some of the pain. It doesn’t.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, Fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? - Marianne Williamson

I’m Not A Doll

So, it’s been a rough couple of days for me. Let’s just say I’m having a lot of bad days in a row. A LOT. Last night, my night ended in hyperventilation and sitting on the couch with my daddy and my new puppy. (His name is Pepper by the way. I think he’s super cute.) But I made the mistake of stepping on the scale and thinking that that number somehow defines me. I know that everyone says that it doesn’t, but I just feel like it does. It’s not like I go around judging people by what they look like, because I absolutely do not!!!! But I feel like people do when they look at me! Ugh, what’s my issue? I mean, I pretty much cried all morning today. I’m just in one of those bad ruts I think.

I’ve been on my favorite place lately, pinterest, and I stumbled upon this video of a girl who reads her poem. It’s beautiful. It made me cry when I watched it. It kind of inspired me to write my own poem, although it is not eloquent, eye opening or helpful as hers, it’s the raw words that my own mind has said over the past 72 hours.

These collarbones will never stick out

But it’s not like I’m actually stout

My thighs are too big, they’ll never form that gap

So I guess I’ll need to dwell on being fat

These bones on my wrist, used to let my charm bracelet hang off it

Now these arms seem thick and make me feel sick

“You’re soooo skinny.” “You just need to eat”

“Why do you worry, you live so thin.” “I wish I could be like you.”

Shut up, shut up, you don’t know what it’s like to have these voices talk all the time

The lines in my abs won’t pop out,

I guess everything has just gone south

Those hip bones live under a layer of fat

What are you going to do about that?

Puke, take pills, run like hell, no matter what you’ll  never get that body back

Give up the cake, chips and junk food

Then being skinny will come easier tomorrow

Eat clean, eat right

That’s how you get the right body type

Cry, hyperventilate and fall on the floor

That’s what this has come to, do I even wanna do this anymore?

Can’t my clothes just hand off, my pants be too big, can’t I just be a twig?

These standards of beauty are just too hard and high

How am I suppose to achieve this, I don’t even know how to try

Escape This Town For A Little While

treacherous taylor swift lyrics "I'd be smart to walk away, but you're quicksand."

You know, I would be smart to walk away. I’d be smart to walk away from the feelings, from the heartbreak, from the pills, muscle milk, from the tiny amounts of food to the large amounts that are almost too much, from the feelings of depression and wanting to cry. I literally should walk away from it all. But it pulls you back in and drags you down, just like quicksand.

I’ve had this sinking feeling all day. All Day. This feeling of where I could just break into tears any given second. How do you walk around all day like that? How do you tell someone that’s how you feel? I don’t even think I want someone to feel sorry for me. I think that I just want to talk about t. But what am I even supposed to say?

Forever going with flow, but you're friction

“Skin and bones, trained to get along.”

Can I be like that?

“This hope is treacherous, this daydream is dangerous…” (Is the hope of this ‘recovery’ treacherous?)

Love Story | Taylor SwiftCan I escape for a little while? Is there even a place that I can go?

Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come <3

Sometimes I think that’s just what I want, someone to save me. That’s illogical, however.  That’s not a plausible way to get rid of, or out of this situation. It’s not fair to me or the other person. I can’t rely on someone else to drag me out of this dark hole, or take me out of this place that I’m in. But dammit……somebody just save me. I just…I can’t. I can’t make it all work. I swear not all of the pieces are here or they don’t all fit together to put this broken puzzle back together.

Fade into you - Nashville. I can't really sing so I guess I drew the lyrics

At The End Of The Day

Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what it is that make us hold it together.

You know what’s frustrating? This feeling:

I feel pathetic. I just feel like, like I’m not pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough, and maybe even ridiculous because I don’t go to work I just go to class.

Do you know what that feels like, not being good enough? Terrible. No, awful. No, I don’t even know the words for that. Anyways, find the worst word that describes the worst feeling, and that’s the word. Peg that word for what that description makes me feel. That’s it. I really have no other words. That’s it. That’s all.

You know what’s frustrating? When the one person you want to talk to at the end of the day doesn’t want to talk to you. I know it’s difficult to talk to me. I know it’s painful and extremely exhausting to listen to me say the same thing ‘that I feel bad’ over and over again. But sometimes that’s what I need. Sometimes that’s all I can say. It’s the only way that I can describe the demons, monsters and name calling that goes on inside my head. I know it’s difficult to listen to me. I know it’s hard to find the right words to comfort me. But what you don’t realize is that all words are comforting. Knowing that you want to listen is comforting. Knowing that you just want to hold me and let me stare at the wall, cry if I feel like it, or let me just ramble on for five minutes straight; that’s comforting. Knowing you want to go through this with me, that’s helpful. I know it all sounds stupid. I know that I sound kind of stupid and a little repetitive. But this is me. You might have to accept it. You might now. But this is me. This is who I am. I’m fighting day in and day out to fix myself. Working up the courage to speak to you and talk to you about what’s going on in my head is scary and it take a tremendous amount of trust.

18 LIFE lessons to be learnt from Greys Anatomy | Heartstring