So I’ve been home pretty much all day. I went to class this morning but I just had a test so finally my spring break has started. I’ve had plenty of time today to just think. I know I posted this morning, but I’ve been thinking about one topic in particular all day: the walls we put up as people. I have a few walls, in which I will describe, but first, the more important thing is the reason I have these walls or why other people put up walls as well.
My first wall is built to keep people’s opinions from hurting me; this is where Ed plays his iconic role. For a very long time now, I’ve worried about what people say to me and think about me. In a sense, I “created” Ed for that. I “created” him so I wouldn’t have to worry what people said because Ed was my voice of reason. Ed was there at the end of the day to judge and scrutinize my progress. He was there to pinpoint out all of my flaws, when I ate too much and what beauty level I was. I wouldn’t have to worry about what my friends, family, strangers or the world’s opinion of me, I had Ed for that. To shield myself from possible hurtful views of others, I created something almost worse, Ed.
The second wall is just about me. I built it in order to keep others out. I need to guard my heart because people have a tendency to stomp all over it with their dusty boots. I’ve always been the girl on the outside of everything. I don’t remember a time in middle school where I fit in. My group of friends was always planning and doing things without me. Therefore, I kind of felt insignificant and like I wasn’t worth their time. There’s not really a time in my life where I really remember being someone’s actual best friend. I was always just another friend it felt like. These girls usually had sisters so they were automatically closer, or I really was just another friend. It always felt like I didn’t belong. Then there has been my relationship history. Somehow, I seem to get into something where I give my whole, entire heart and everything I have into a relationship and I have someone who doesn’t always return those same actions. Now, these boys weren’t awful, just maybe a bit neglecting at the time. It almost always seemed though, that I gave it all I had and they really didn’t. I got tired of sitting alone, tired of waiting for the phone to ring, and tired of being forgotten. I suddenly went into rooms and accepted that nobody would probably talk to me. I let it be okay with myself that I went to a movie theater by myself and watched a movie. I learned to have fun with myself. But it was isolating and still a little painful.
I thought I needed these walls. I thought they kept me safe from the outside world. I thought they kept me from being let down. I became too accustomed to loneliness and being left out.
Those weren’t good feelings or good walls. I’m in the process of breaking down the second wall right now. I’ve made a friend while in some of my college classes. We’re similar and we have the same aspirations at school. We’re relate-able to each other and I think this is a really good thing for me. I’m pretty thankful for what God is doing in my life right now.