Tag Archives: wife

Link Love 3/13

Hello, all 🙂 This week has been a rainy one ’round these parts but I don’t really mind. I have kind of enjoyed it! But here is some link love to hopefully give you some fun ideas or an interesting read and bring some sunshine into your day 🙂

Fun:

33 Ridiculously Hilarious Schmidt Quotes That Will Brighten Your Day- Koty Neelis from Thought Catalog http://thoughtcatalog.com/koty-neelis/2013/11/33-ridiculously-hilarious-schmidt-quotes-that-will-brighten-your-day/

“Youths!”& “Please take that off. You look like a homeless pencil.” He says some pretty interesting lines sometimes.

6 “Guilty Pleasures” You Don’t Have To Feel Guilty About- Maya M-Bustle- http://www.bustle.com/articles/144631-6-guilty-pleasures-you-dont-have-to-feel-guilty-about

Body Positive-

If Your Daughter Fears Being Fat- by Allison Kenny, Raising A Go Girl! http://www.raisingagogirl.com/if-your-daughter-fears-being-fat/

Melissa McCarthy opens up about body positivity in Redbook magazine- Jordon Muto, Today.com http://www.today.com/style/melissa-mccarthy-opens-about-body-positivity-redbook-magazine-t78676

Quick read! “A little bit of joy goes a long way.”

Image: http://www.today.com/style/melissa-mccarthy-opens-about-body-positivity-redbook-magazine-t78676
Image: http://fyeahgilmoregirls.tumblr.com/post/7724344181

Health Type:

The Problem With Fit & Skinny Teas- Blogilates- Cassey Ho http://www.blogilates.com/blog/2016/02/27/the-problem-with-fit-teas-skinny-teas/

5 Ways To Have A Better Relationship With Food- Huffington Post- Willow Jarosh & Stephanie Clarke http://www.huffingtonpost.com/willow-jarosh-ms-rd/5-ways-to-have-a-better-relationship-with-food_b_6615230.html?utm_hp_ref=diet-and-nutrition

Things I Baked/Made This Week:

Gingerbread Banana Bread from Chocolate Covered Katie-http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2015/12/07/gingerbread-banana-bread/

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Yes, I’m well aware it’s March but I LOVE gingerbread and I also had these bananas…so, naturally.

Cheese Enchiladas 🙂

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Look at me, being all domestic.

 

I also had a failed attempt at pancakes this week. I’m just not even sure what I did wrong there. Gotta laugh that one off.

 

 

Rhythm of YOUR Heartbeat

I’ve never had to love someone who hated themselves. I’ve never had to watch someone dislike themselves to much that they curl up into a ball on the bathroom floor and cry until their eyes are slightly sore. I’ve never had to experience someone telling me they are angry at themselves for eating actual food for dinner. I’ve never had to hold someone as they cried and felt like they were insane because they didn’t like what the mirror reflected. Finally, I’ve never had someone tell me that sometimes they felt like they wanted to die instead of keep on hating themselves.

anorexia:

Personally, I’ve never been exposed to the receiving end of all those emotions that are probably more difficult to hear than I know. However, I have felt every single one of those emotions, last night to be exact.

I’ve found that at  night for the past couple of weeks, I’ve grown infuriated with myself. I get so angry because I made dinner for my husband and I and then I eat it. I get so angry that I ate a meal that wasn’t yogurt. I feel like I can feel my body changing….getting bigger with each passing moment. My brain is screaming, Ed is screaming, I literally feel like screaming and my fingernails dig into my skin. There’s nothing I can compare this feeling to. Then, mixed in with all the anger, I feel….sad. Sad because I literally can’t handle it all or make myself do it. I’m angry, I’m sad and I’m hurt.

With you, I'm comfortable.  I know I can talk to you about anything, or sit by your side in complete silence.  You see me at my worst, but only talk about my best.  I can be happy about my biggest achievements, while you know my deepest insecurities.  I'm comfortable with you, and you should know that means everything to me.:

As I’m sitting there on my bathroom floor, pretty positive that my legs don’t work anymore because I can’t get up and I haven’t moved in probably 20 minutes, something I’m highly unaccustomed to happens. My husband some in. He says nothing. He doesn’t ask what’s wrong and he doesn’t ask what I’m doing. He quickly shuffles around to the other side of me and I can feel his arms encircle me. He is literally sitting on the bathroom floor with me while my head is buried in my knees. I didn’t say anything for a while or even look up because I’m pretty ashamed of my puffy red face and snot nose. It’s just shaky breath sounds for a while. Finally though, when I do speak it’s just telling him I hate food and I don’t see how I can do this. All he does is reassure me that it’s all going to be okay and somehow, in that moment, it helps.

The Best Quotes About Love and Marriage:

Whoever said that marriage isn’t worth it or doesn’t work was mistaken. I didn’t realize what it would be like to have someone to always come home to and to always be there for you (or sit on the bathroom floor with you 😉 ) It’s pretty freakin’ cool/amazing/fantastic/a feeling indescribable. I didn’t realize until my drive to work this morning that the part in our vows that goes “in sickness and in health” was something we would experience right off the bat. Not that I forgot I had an eating disorder, I just forgot that qualified as a “sickness”.

That was my Wednesday and this is my Thursday, feeling sad and unsure. Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it yet.

Anne of Green Gables “Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” ― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables:

It’s Just A Relapse

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBCSZbZTnSw

This classroom is an icebox. I am just so cold. Sometimes I can’t tell if that’s more attributed to me, or to the fact that my cooperating teacher keeps the room at a very cool 70 or 69 degrees. It’s quite miserable actually. Anyways, that’s beside the point of this entire post. (Just thought I’d share that I’m literally freezing all day and for me that’s torture seeing as I’m already notoriously cold.)

I’ve been married for almost a week now. It seems so odd that the kids and most people refer to me as Mrs. Powell now. Now that the wedding is over, it gives me more time to focus on school and maybe a little bit of recovery, well plus my actual marriage.

That Saturday, I had at lease 3 people ask me if I “ate food” or that “I needed to eat something” or some sort of phrasing like that. I can’t exactly remember. But that stung a little. Those words are hard to swallow; they are hurtful. I don’t even know how to respond to that or how I’m supposed to even feel about someone saying that. It’s not that I don’t want to be better y’all. It’s just that you don’t understand the fear that is stapled to that package.

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It’s the fear that if I actually do start to eat something else for dinner that’s not yogurt, that people, especially those who noticed at the wedding, will think that I was just a crazy bride who lost weight so that she would be able to fit into a wedding dress. That’s not the case! Did it make me a little more neurotic? It sure did? But does that mean that I legitimately don’t have a disorder? Unfortunately, no.

I don’t handle change very well AT ALL. And literally everything about my life has just changed. I changed where I live, I mean, I have a completely different route home now!! I changed my workout routine, a week ago I changed my grade level in student teaching. I now have to make dinner at night because I have a husband. It’s a really huge transition. I’m not going to be used to it all at once. I’m already just really terrible with change….so this may take me a while.

Don’t get me wrong…I am so extremely happy. I’m so happy to have married my husband. I think about that everyday. It’s so amazing. God blessed me by allowing me to marry him!  I’m so blessed by the fact that I don’t have to go home to an empty house or empty bed. I’m always going to have someone to hold my hand, always have someone to talk to and I’m always going to have someone who will try their hardest to love me with all they have. I’m so thankful and so blessed that God sent me a man that’s going to love me no matter what, takes care of me and loves despite my eating disorder. It’s a really ugly part of me, it’s not something to be romanticized. I sometimes I to force myself to keep E.D. at bay and take him from the forefront of my mind so that I can focus on my husband and being what he needs. That’s someone I want to be better for. I want to be better for him. I want to be okay…I want to be able to eat dinner with him and not be mentally freaking out and mentally crying.

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Recovery is hard y’all. Harder than I can explain. It’s draining, frustrating, infuriating, complex, and extremely painful. I personally feel like I fail at it constantly, which I’ve been told is part of the whole process. I’ve been told that you fall down countless times and sometimes you are crawling to the next step. I feel like I’m constantly falling and actually like I’ve never been able to get up from the ground. I can’t even begin to explain to you what it feels like to be in the process of recover…or even having an eating disorder at all. It’s not something words can describe. It’s a feeling that I personally believe that unless you have been dealt that card, you can’t begin to imagine what a person who has an eating disorder is in recovery is going through.

Finally, the last point I want to make is kinda about society and marriage in general. As I was driving to lunch today thinking about this post, I was thinking about how women are thought about when they get married. I’ve heard it countless times on TV or movies where the men are always joking that “when you marry a women, remember what she looked like when you married her because after that her figure is going to change”. That’s so unfair is unbelievable! It’s infuriating! How is it that a woman’s worth is reflected by the mirror or a scale? How did it become okay to poke fun at a person’s outer image like that? If you are marrying someone or are in love with someone, you are supposed to love them for who they are as a person, not solely because they are a pretty face or you are attracted to their body. I just think it’s shallow and downright mean.

Pretty sure that post was all over the place. Sorry about that (:

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Going to the Chapel….& We’re Almost Married

10.17.15. A day I’ve been waiting for, for almost a year now. It seems like ages since last Thanksgiving when we actually got engaged and now it’s FINALLY here!! I’m so excited I can hardly concentrate on anything else. I find myself consumed with thoughts of the wedding all day long while trying to concentrate on student teaching. It’s strange to think that in 2 days, I’ll be married. In about 48 hours…..I’ll be a Mrs. People can refer to me by a different last name. It’s an odd feeling, but also a warm and fuzzy one. I mean, I’m marrying my best friend; can I really ask for more?

10.17.15. A day that also caused me a gigantic anxiety attack during lunch break yesterday. I was asked to do something clearly last minute and clearly out of the blue on Thursday afternoon that clashed with previous plans. It wasn’t til 8 last night I knew it was an anxiety attack, but it was. I found myself struggling not to ball my eyes out crouched down in a corner in the classroom. That would’ve been some sight, having a bunch of 5th graders march in from lunch to find their student teacher (who they’ve known for merely 2 days at that point) crying in the corner. I managed to compose myself and realize that it wasn’t that Earth shattering. It just happened to not be in my plan. Everything could still happen, it was just going to be shifted 30-45 minutes or so. I also toyed with the idea yesterday during the attack of just going into the bathroom and throwing up. It wasn’t a pretty 20 minutes I’ll tell you. Did I do it? No. Did I want to? Hell yeah. But was that actually going to make me feel better? No, definitely not. Will ED be there Friday and Saturday? Probably. Can I shut him up? Probably not. But I can lower his volume for 12 hours? I can really try harder than I ever have. I’ve got to really try. I’ve got to block out ED’s voice. For 3 days, I’ve got to listen to him scream, stomp his feet and throw a tantrum because I don’t have the time to devote a whole hour to the elliptical and him!

Getting married is stressful and really is so much effort and work to plan/coordinate. (I do have to remember though, I’m the idiot who wanted to get married in October in the middle of student teaching.) It can also be a very beautiful though. This is a magic time. It’ll never happen again. I know everyone says “you won’t remember a thing from the wedding.” I plan to prove them wrong. Sure, I won’t remember what we ate, the flowers, probably majority of the reception or special moments though: my Daddy walking me down the aisle, our first kiss as husband and wife, the vows, our first look pictures, heck, maybe even our first dance. Those are the parts that matter. I want to soak it all in. Take the time and effort to remember. Because this is a magic time and day in life. 

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