Tag Archives: workout

Link Love 5/22

Favorite Post of the Week:

How To Be Okay Gaining Weight– by Kylie via yeah…Imma Eat That

If you read NOTHING else….read this. I especially like #4 and the acronym she uses. I seriously 100% feel that way. Kylie just did a phenomenal job.

Quizzes/Fun:

25 of the World’s Top Travel Destinations – by Emily co via PopSugar

Wow. All so beautiful!

Saint-Petersburg-Russia
Saint Petersburg, Russia

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How My Mom Taught Me To Kick My Eating Disorder in the Ass-by Cayanne via HealthyEzSweet Life

I ❤ my Mommy, too.

Most Watched TV Show Set in Each StateMost Watched TV Show Set in Each State– by Kevin O’Keeffe via Arts.Mic

Health/Body Positive:

6 Rules That Helped Me Recover From Exercise Addiction– by Kindal Boyle via Lifting Revolution

I totally view exercise the same way she did. I use running/elliptical/body movement as a way to “earn” my food. You don’t have to “earn” food! I know, I know.

#2 scares me to death to even read….lol

What To Do When You Miss Your Hard Workout (or two or three of them…)– by Janae via Hungry Runner Girl

I just love how she is real about it and says….it happens to everyone. We are only human. We can’t be hardcore and constantly going on a routine all the time. Life happens!

Food Shaming and Comparison: The Thief of Joy– by Robyn via The Real Life RD

What she said. It SUCKS the LIFE out of you. “That somehow eating less makes you more feminine or something.” WHY do I feel like she is speaking directly to me and WHY do I feel like this?!

“People don’t care about your pant size. They are about your heart.” 🙂

 

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Link Love 5/1

Happy May!!!!!! I actually really like this month. It’s also my birth month!

Fun/Quizzes-

11 Fashion Trends ‘Mean Girls’ Started-by Phoebe Waller via Bustle

Here’s What Weddings Looked Like The Year You Were Born– by Country Living Staff via Good Housekeeping

I’m soooo the “Pinterest Bride” generation. My kids are so going to make fun of that one day.

Which “Play School” Toy Are You? by Jenna Guillaume via Buzzfeed

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Laughs/Sweet Moments-

This Is How Breakfast Should Look According To Kids-  by IHOP via Buzzfeed

A cake…but instead of a cake, it’s waffles. What?! Kids are hilarious.

Military Dads Sign Up For Teatime Sessions With Their Daughters- by Marina Liao via PopSugar 

Body Positive-

Your Body Isn’t The Problem- by Amanda Tarlton via Real Life Recovery Diary

The Recovering Girl’s Guide To Working Out- by Cayanne via HealthyEzSweet Life

This. Is. Gold.

A Friendly Reminder That It’s OK To Love Your Body Exactly How It Is- by Dominique Astorino via PopSugar

These are all fantastic!

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Can I Have A Burger Now?

If you are anything like me, you have a lot of random thoughts during the day. At least, I hope I’m not the only one. Lately, I’ve had this recurring thought that I can’t seem to shake about my condition with my eating disorder, recovery and overall health.

I find myself wondering daily if working out all the time and eating “healthy” is really all worth it anymore. Sure, you should probably treat your body nicely and not just shove junk food in it all the time. But at what point do we stop? At what point does “eating healthy” stop. At what point does “healthy lifestyle” stop for me?? I keep telling myself that I can cut down on the workouts and eat different food and eat a freaking hamburger every now and then (I literally can’t remember the time I ate one. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I ate fast food.) I’m scared of it. But I just kinda want Sonic so bad! But…I’m a scaredy cat. What else can I do? When can I stop killing myself to keep fit?

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Lately, I walk around wondering when I stop torturing my body. When do I “let myself go” or “let myself live”? What is that point? I’ve been thinking lately, I’ve done the whole “super thin/fit/eating disorder look” hell, there are pictures to prove that from basically my entire college career and I’ve got bridal and wedding photos to prove that I was fairly sick. Do I really have to be that extreme anymore? Do I really have to keep trying to maintain a lifestyle where buying clothes at the store is a chore because of the size or only being able to eat certain foods on menus at restaurants because they don’t have an insane amount of calories or fat? Do I really have to constantly be a slave to some sort of running/elliptical every single day in order to maintain my current weight? Eventually, I’d like to think that I’m going to be able to take a day off from workouts and not freak the frick out or do yoga one day instead of intense cardio. There has to be a point where I can eat a sandwich on regular bread and not think anything of it, right?  I mean, there is photographic evidence in my life that I was thin and I was capable of being a thin person. I will forever have those photos. So, do I keep trekking down that road? Do I stop and suddenly eat whatever normally is?

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Does it end when I just give up working out altogether? I don’t necessarily think that’s the best idea. I think that might screw me up more. Right now I don’t have a ton going on so I would need something to fill my time. Plus, that sounds like I’m basically asking myself to be more restrictive with food. Does it end when I have a baby? If I can even have one. Does it end when I eventually get my first teaching job? I don’t think I will be able to come home from work every day and do a 30-45 minute running session. I just don’t. Which scares the ever-loving daylights out of me. You can’t even fathom how terrifying that is to me. That’s a whole bunch of change just thrown at me at once. I’ll be a first year teacher, have a job from at least 7:30-4, have to figure out dinner, commutes, and I just don’t see how workouts can always be an everyday thing. It’s scary.

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This whole thought process of mine lately is scary. I just keep wondering…..what if I wasn’t a size 2, what if it was a size 4 or 6 instead. Would that change anything? Would people suddenly think I was ridiculous or would they even notice? I’m not saying I want to go from one extreme to another (which would be having a body weight that was no longer healthy for my height) I’m just saying that what if I finally got to live like a normal person?

Also, can I just go eat something from Sonic now???

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Home Decor & Easter Cakes (TOL)

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!!! Don’t even think about pinching me.

I’m already Irish enough anyways.

It’s time for Amanda’s linkup over on Running With Spoons with Thinking Out Loud Thursday!!!

Thinking-Out-Loud21. Nature’s Bakery. I grabbed these at the store the other day because I liked the Nature’s Bakery fig bars and these were chocolate. I love chocolate so I couldn’t pass them up! I’m pretty sure I’m made up of half chocolate or something like that……

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Verdict: I thought they were super yummy and delicious, my mom did not share the same opinion. I think they kind of taste like a Little Debbie’s cosmic brownie (obviously they are NOT the same) but she says that they taste good, but they clearly aren’t the real deal.

2. Yesterday was shopping day in San Antonio with my Mommy 🙂 ❤ If you haven’t noticed, I hang out with my Mom a bunch. It’s my thing. Kinda similar to Gilmore Girls I guess. Anddddd the heart shaped sunglasses make their appearance 🙂

It was a day full of adventure. Which brings me to my next point…

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3. This picture has been a depiction of how I feel 99.9% of my life lately.

Since yesterday I didn’t really have the time to be a slave to running a set amount of miles or climb on top of an elliptical, I have just cycling this through my brain on repeat. I have to remember that I don’t NOT deserve to eat simply because I didn’t train as hard or go as far a I usually do. I have to remember that my worth does not change daily and it certainly isn’t measured by how far I can run or how close I can push my body to it’s breaking point. It doesn’t matter if I ran 6 miles or I only walked 3.5 yesterday. It was still okay to eat. I think…………..

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Image: http://fuckyeahfatvegans.tumblr.com/post/124159935513

4. Big cities are really the coolest sometimes. They have so much cool stuff that we don’t get to have in small town life!!!

I definitely notice that I’m beginning to change in life. I suppose that’s due to getting older, getting married and developing a more “grown up” style of life. The main way I noticed this was because when shopping yesterday I was basically forgoing all clothes browsing options and going straight home décor. I just want to decorate…like everything!

We went into a World Market for only the second time in my life and it was awesome! We so need one of these were I live. I didn’t get anything super interesting but I did get some more acrylic cups. We got some cups like that for Christmas and M uses them constantly so I’m always running the dishwasher. It seemed like a smart purchase.

5. WHOLE FOODS. It’s overwhelming and magical all at the same time! It was the first time I’d ever set foot in one. We weren’t even in the door yet and I was already in love with the place because they had my favorite flowers outside: tulips ❤

untitled2We got some interesting food items. Most importantly these Immaculate Baking Soft Pretzels!! I’m going to workout this morning and then bake them. I’m so excited because pretzels-no matter the kind- are some of my favorite things to eat.

6. Lastly, at Whole Foods…LOOK AT THESE CAKES!!

untitledEaster cakes are simply THE cutest! Check out the adorable bunny that is just too cute to eat and then the sweet lamb behind it. Easter is a holiday to me that isn’t really fun unless you have a kid or are a kid but the décor is just too precious!! There I go again with the home décor!

Random side note: I also updated my About Me page!

I hope you have a wonderful day and a fantastic rest of the week!!! 🙂 Thanks for letting me think out loud.

No, Satan, I Don’t Want Your Hot Dogs and S’mores!

I apologize WAY in advance for this…..this is pretty much raw thoughts of a person who had to get up out of bed to write this because I couldn’t go to sleep. There’s almost no organization to this.

This is stupid. Recovery is stupid. Ed is stupid. Satan is stupid. Hell, I’m stupid. All of this…..is stupid. What a harsh word that is. I’m not even sure it has meaning anymore after writing it down that many times.

Unplanned meals. Unknown calories resources. Hold up…..actual food. Why doesn’t any of it make me feel okay? Why doesn’t any of it make me feel like I’m doing the “right” thing? It all freaking sucks. I don’t care what you say. It sucks. All of it just isn’t fun. It makes my life not fun. It’s all a whole lot of work and time and effort.

I literally had to get up out of my bed tonight because this was bothering me so much. I went to a movie and dinner tonight with my husband and my brain is just on overload. Then again, that could happen when nobody wants to discuss it…….then again, who wants to discuss how I hate myself for the millionth time??? Nobody, that’s who. I don’t think that it matters what I ate, I think I’d still feel bad and hate myself for it. There is literally no way around it….I hate myself. Don’t ask me why. Don’t even feel bad for me. On my way home tonight I was thinking about this and the Bible study I started with church this week. It’s called ‘Breathe’ by Priscilla Shirer and this week we talked about how God sets boundaries and how boundaries are actually beneficial to us. (Literally, God must have been there that evening for me. Because originally the plan that night was for everyone to go around the room and introduce themselves and then say something about themselves that not everyone else in the room would know about them. What the heck was mine going to be? Hi, many of you don’t know that I’m trying to recover from an eating disorder??? Nope!)

Anyways, I was just thinking about love and how my parents can love me, my brother can love me, my husband can love me, my friends and the rest of my family can and God can. And on the flip side, I can love all of them, I can love yogurt, I can love owls, I can love teaching, I can love God, I can even love my dogs, but I can’t love me. Why?! What is so wrong with me that I don’t think that I deserve love? Because I ate some damn rice?! Is that why? That’s stupid. But that’s the gosh darn freaking truth. I think that because I don’t always eat foods that are safe zone that I don’t have anything to offer the world or other people. In my head I believe that I’m a piece of dirt at that point that has no value because I ate some food that gets chewed. That’s……excruciatingly painful. I wish I could think of a better word for that feeling.

We ate at Rosa’s Cafe last night. I order the chicken tacos WITHOUT cheese. Then, I picked the chicken OUT of the tortillas and ate it. AND I still feel bad about that. As I have probably said before, I think I could’ve eaten yogurt for dinner last night and STILL felt guilty about that.

We live a little over an hour away from where we saw the movie, and I don’t think I’ve taken a breath since then. My mind has been going over and thinking about ways that I can get rid of this. I could just throw it up. I could run 3.5-3.75 miles. I could just not eat food tomorrow. I could “run” 2 hours on an elliptical. BUT literally NONE of that would make me feel any better about myself. NOTHING would get rid of the physically awful and emotional pain that rips throughout my entire body and head. Imagine digging long sharpish fingernails into your arm (or somewhere) and just holding them there. Can you imagine that? Well, that’s what I feel like doing with mine. Actually, that’s what I feel like is happening and my fingers are literally typing right now. It feels like someone has taken my fingers and just plunged them deep into my skin causing me this heartbreaking pain. My heart feels literally broken, y’all. It’s a treacherous slope.

(Side note: I’m listening to Julie Andrews sing ‘My Favorite Things’ from The Sound of Music to try and cheer myself up before bed. Feel free to laugh with me about that.)

The Sound of Music - Movie Musical Poster Print  13x19 - Vintage Movie Poster - Julie Andrews - Rodgers and Hammerstein on Etsy, $19.50

IMAGE: https://www.etsy.com/listing/125297296/the-sound-of-music-movie-musical-poster

But all of these bad and negative thoughts and feeling aren’t from God. This isn’t what He wants for me (well, I sure hope it isn’t). He wants me to be happy and free; well, free within the boundaries He has given me. It’s Satan that plants these horrible, horrible seeds and nurtures them so they can grow. When I was at this Bible study the other night I thought of something about him and what he’s doing in my mind.

“Sometimes Satan just isn’t out in the world tempting you with things or experiences. Sometimes, Satan lives inside your head. He’s got a permanent campground….he’s in there roasting hot dogs, eating his s’mores planning and plotting how to keep me busy or find something he can nit-pick at.”

But GET OUT of here Satan!!! I didn’t invite you to Camp KP!! I didn’t invite you to make up a negativity committee. Just get out! I don’t want to partake in your hot dogs (Devil Dogs lol), s’mores and camp food! Because it sucks and it’s not good for me! That’s not positive Godly nourishment….that’s you disguised at things I enjoy. My head isn’t your playground! It’s not the place for you to come in and torture me. My head should be a place I feel slightly safe and closer to Jesus, but instead it’s running rampant with Negative Nancy thoughts and maybe even Pessimist Polly outlooks on life. I have to learn how to battle Satan with God’s help. I have to learn to like and love myself with God’s help. Without God can I even learn those things? Probably not. I’m at this point where I know that I have to turn to a higher power than myself. I can’t handle this all on my own. I can’t make this issue disappear….only God can help me over that mountain.

Paper Sparrow: The Sound of Music: The Hills are Alive

IMAGE: http://www.papersparrowblog.com/

Rhythm of YOUR Heartbeat

I’ve never had to love someone who hated themselves. I’ve never had to watch someone dislike themselves to much that they curl up into a ball on the bathroom floor and cry until their eyes are slightly sore. I’ve never had to experience someone telling me they are angry at themselves for eating actual food for dinner. I’ve never had to hold someone as they cried and felt like they were insane because they didn’t like what the mirror reflected. Finally, I’ve never had someone tell me that sometimes they felt like they wanted to die instead of keep on hating themselves.

anorexia:

Personally, I’ve never been exposed to the receiving end of all those emotions that are probably more difficult to hear than I know. However, I have felt every single one of those emotions, last night to be exact.

I’ve found that at  night for the past couple of weeks, I’ve grown infuriated with myself. I get so angry because I made dinner for my husband and I and then I eat it. I get so angry that I ate a meal that wasn’t yogurt. I feel like I can feel my body changing….getting bigger with each passing moment. My brain is screaming, Ed is screaming, I literally feel like screaming and my fingernails dig into my skin. There’s nothing I can compare this feeling to. Then, mixed in with all the anger, I feel….sad. Sad because I literally can’t handle it all or make myself do it. I’m angry, I’m sad and I’m hurt.

With you, I'm comfortable.  I know I can talk to you about anything, or sit by your side in complete silence.  You see me at my worst, but only talk about my best.  I can be happy about my biggest achievements, while you know my deepest insecurities.  I'm comfortable with you, and you should know that means everything to me.:

As I’m sitting there on my bathroom floor, pretty positive that my legs don’t work anymore because I can’t get up and I haven’t moved in probably 20 minutes, something I’m highly unaccustomed to happens. My husband some in. He says nothing. He doesn’t ask what’s wrong and he doesn’t ask what I’m doing. He quickly shuffles around to the other side of me and I can feel his arms encircle me. He is literally sitting on the bathroom floor with me while my head is buried in my knees. I didn’t say anything for a while or even look up because I’m pretty ashamed of my puffy red face and snot nose. It’s just shaky breath sounds for a while. Finally though, when I do speak it’s just telling him I hate food and I don’t see how I can do this. All he does is reassure me that it’s all going to be okay and somehow, in that moment, it helps.

The Best Quotes About Love and Marriage:

Whoever said that marriage isn’t worth it or doesn’t work was mistaken. I didn’t realize what it would be like to have someone to always come home to and to always be there for you (or sit on the bathroom floor with you 😉 ) It’s pretty freakin’ cool/amazing/fantastic/a feeling indescribable. I didn’t realize until my drive to work this morning that the part in our vows that goes “in sickness and in health” was something we would experience right off the bat. Not that I forgot I had an eating disorder, I just forgot that qualified as a “sickness”.

That was my Wednesday and this is my Thursday, feeling sad and unsure. Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it yet.

Anne of Green Gables “Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” ― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables:

Like Razor Blade Pain

So, this is what I get, y’all. This is what I get for trying to be healthy and trying to get better. I get bruises that cover my entire knee on both my legs, cuts on my wrists, this bruise/scrape all down my right arm and then finally, a huge scrape/gash on my right knee. Needless to say, I’m unfortunately pretty dang clumsy. I mean, seriously, one second I was running along minding my own business, and the next second I was on the ground!! (I was running in a very public place by the way, so I’m sure somebody got a good laugh out of my fall.) This is like a major flashback from the summer of 2013.

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Normal people might consider this a bit of a blessing. It would give them a chance to recover, get back to normal with health, and just take an overall breather from their hectic/rigorous/time consuming workout. Wellllll, if only I could relate to that or say it was me. I didn’t fully finish my run today because I fell, and that’s been driving me absolutely nuts all day, not to mention I have to figure out a way to actually do workouts now. Because I’m totally positive actual running is completely out of the question seeing as how it’s kinda hard to walk. So now, I’m faced with another challenge to add to my plate. With my eating disorder, I’ve made working out a part of my daily routine. I have to do it and I usually don’t have a choice. Truthfully, I’m obsessed. Not on purpose though, don’t get confused there. Now I have to figure out some way to do it. I think I might go crazy if I can’t. I don’t see how bending my knee is going to be easy, but I’m so crazy….that I’m gonna try to find some way to do it. I feel like if I don’t, that leads to even more restricted eating, even more fear, and that ultimately leads to even more deteriorated mental health. I can’t do that! I can’t live like that! It’s not living. I’m already kind of maxed out on stress in that department. With the stress I’ve already created for myself in that department over the years, the extra stress from my upcoming nuptials, and anxiety from the student teaching adventure I’m about to embark on, I really don’t need this added on to it.

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That being said…I found this the other day——->
rain came pouring down

I feel like all the time that people don’t take me seriously or they don’t think I’m “sick” because I’m not skin and bones and I actually make myself eat some food (even though it may not be sufficient.) The truth is though….I am sick. Sometimes I think maybe sicker in some ways than I was before. Sometimes I think it’s worse than it was in 2013 or when I first went to therapy. I’m just not totally positive.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody hears me.

But what are they even going to do anymore? I don’t really want to hear anyone say to me “just eat” or “it’s going to be okay”. I think maybe, I want them to feel it?

On a lighter note, just FYI, being clumsy and running don’t mix (haha) AND I’ll be doing my student teaching in 1st Grade 🙂

The Restricted List

I came to the realization last night that I probably haven’t eaten “real/solid” food since last Saturday. It’s been 5 days. That’s probably a really really terrible thing. Then, I realized why I hadn’t really eaten anything that wasn’t yogurt, a banana, an apple, pretzels, quest bars, or some kind of peanut butter…I’ve been afraid to. I’m afraid of eating a food that’s on the ‘restricted list’ because I’m afraid of the repercussions. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve actually seen it change something on me, I’m make believing something will happen or I’m just plain imagining each calorie going someplace on my body. I literally can’t tell you.

It's OK to not be OK!

I’ve been wanting to eat all sorts of things on the off limits list over the past few hours; you know, like donuts, some pizza, and really some macaroni and cheese!!! I just haven’t. I can’t bring myself to do it. I see other people doing it, and they seem fine. They even look fine. And I swear if someone tells me after reading this that I CAN eat all of those foods, I might punch them ( think it through. I don’t mean it rudely.) I just mean that you saying that to me, might anger me a little. I’m fully aware that I CAN eat those foods, it’s choosing to that’s difficult and then following through. I’m working on it, well, more like up to it.

Baked Vanilla Bean Doughnuts - these are so soft and moist and loaded with vanilla beans.When you become so afraid to eat food that’s on the ‘Restricted List’ are you really in a good place? I’m just so so very terrified. I live my life in fear. I found myself completely overcome and consumed last Saturday with the fact that nothing I ate was even close to being on the safe food list. I had cake, and well some other foods that I’m not sure the name of but they tasted good. In the moment and in the following couple of hours surrounded by people I was completely fine with it. Then came 6:00 P.M. when it was time for dinner and I literally found myself shaking, trying not to just completely fall apart and cry and trying not to snap at people because they really don’t deserve it. I realized then, but more now really that I should probably ease some off the beaten path foods into my everyday diet.

Which leads me to lunch today….I’m making my own pizza at home. I’m gonna do it and I’m going to enjoy it. It’s going to be okay.

Classic Pizza Margherita  Dough yields 4 pizzas serving 3 to 4 people total    1 recipe pizza dough (follow instructions here)  1 recipe tomato sauce  fresh mozzarella cheese  fresh basil leaves, sliced thinly after pizza is removed from oven

Also, I read this today, which seemed to help a little.

https://www.yahoo.com/style/getting-engaged-meant-facing-my-anorexia-again-124689801623.html