It’s late at night while I’m writing this, but that’s when all the best writing happens isn’t it? Over the past week I’ve been a roller coaster. I’ve done many things that have put me out of my comfort zone, literally made me want to cry and run FAR away and most of all, challenged me to be in ACTIVE recovery.
This past week, I had to go to the doctor for the whole “checkup” nonsense. Anyways, anybody who has been to the doctor knows that the first (possibly most annoying) thing they do is take your weight. It infuriates me. I’m sure the nurses at the office hate me because I literally grumble every time I have to do it. So, I stepped on the scale, backwards 🙂 it’s just what I do. I don’t want to see the number, so why act like it? I don’t need to know. I don’t want to know. There’s no need to subject myself to that torture when clearly I didn’t seek the scale out. (Side note: This is a giant hurdle for me, considering I don’t even know where the scale in my own house is.) Anyways, I avoided a crisis there, so I’d say that was a solid win for the week.
Then today, when I was with my fiancé, we ate Whataburger for lunch. I tried my best to be healthy, like I always do. I’ve scrupulously have studied the menu at this burger joint and know what are and aren’t the “best” choices. So, I picked what I thought was best, pretty much ate around the bread on the sandwich, BUT I ate the french fries that came with the order. I ATE FRENCH FRIES Y’ALL. I didn’t even freak out til hourssssss later. It was a minor win though. Minor because of the fact that I freaked out later and just about wanted to die (literally). I came home from my fiancé’s house and almost lost it. I changed clothes and tried my best to “run” it off, or get on the elliptical and get it off/out of me in some way. But I’m still here, I’m still breathing and my clothes still somehow fit. It’s all a difficult process for me. I know that it was a win. I know that eating food is good for me. (Side note: We aren’t even going to talk about how I’ve eaten this week.) But I’m slowly, slowly, slowly going to get there.
It’s like Taylor Swift says in Blank Space, “Darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.” That’s what an eating disorder is! A ‘nightmare’ clothed in a ‘daydream’. It’s not! It’s soooooo not. Ed starts out by saying “Nice to meet you, where you been. I could show you incredible things.” His and my version of incredible things, are VERY different. Everyone idolized the women who can eat little to nothing at meals, eat low calorie meals, shows self-restraint around sweets or foods deemed unhealthy, and basically because they are thin. They shouldn’t though because you don’t know how those women feel alone or at night. They could feel like they are in the middle of their own nightmare when you see it as a daydream. I just think it’s one of the best lines to describe an eating disorder in a quick manner.
I’m trying really hard not to bring this Ed into my new marriage. However, that just doesn’t seem possible. It’s going to come with me. Like it or not, this e.d. is a part of me. I can’t just blink it away, but I can accept it and I can accept that I’m always going to be recovering.