Christmas Time Is Here

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Ah, Andy Williams (he’s apparently the first one to sing it.) Anyways, Christmas time 🙂

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source: http://www.prettydesigns.com/35-christmas-quotes-you-will-love/

I haven’t written in a very, very, very long time. Mainly because I have so much to do these days and I have all these adult responsibilities now. I feel so old…ha. Even when I do get a spare moment, I like to just sit, or clean something, watch TV, of trying to frantically finish this cross stitch chart I’m doing. Tonight though, I attended the Christmas pageant at my church. This is where all the kiddos in the church get up and act out/sing about the birth of Jesus. It’s the sweetest thing! I was sitting there listening to them and watching them and laughing at/enjoying all their little quirks which got me thinking about the students in my classroom that I’m with every single day. I was sitting there trying to soak it all it and I realized that…..this is what life is about. Life is about singing, rejoicing, talking, laughing, playing, and wondering. It’s not supposed to be difficult. You aren’t supposed to spend every minute trying to control and fix every little thing. It’s about freedom and enjoying yourself and life. I was sitting in a pew with all these thoughts swirling around and coming to me and filling my heart. Maybe it’s just the Christmas spirit coming into my heart and filling it to the brim. I’m choosing to think something else though. Maybe this is God stepping into my heart and filling it even more. I found myself listening to the lyrics of Joy To The World and thinking about how much joy I was feeling and how thankful I am about how far I have come since August.

Halloween

It’s been a long and rough 4ish months. I’m a new, first year teacher and things were TOUGH at the beginning. I found myself in tears so often and thinking I would never get the hang of anything and like I was going to have to find a different career path because this was NOT working. But I stuck it out, I dragged myself through it every day. It was hard. It was so freaking hard. But about a week ago when my students were writing letters to Santa (and telling me seamlessly unending stories about their Elf on a Shelf), I found myself reflecting on how we are almost to the end of the semester and how far I have come and how far the students in my room have come. This isn’t so bad anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like the cliffhanger at the end of a TV show each week. “Tune in next week to find out what happens on Mrs. Powell’s Corral. Will she get all her grading done? Will she be prepped and ready for next week? Will all the parents remember to pick up their children?” It’s been an interesting ride and quite the learning process so far and I can only imagine what the second semester will bring.

 

I’ve come quite far in a number of aspects in life.

(Fall Festival Day. Can you see my holiday leggings?! Yes, I did find quite a few Christmas pairs!)

That’s not to say that Ed hasn’t been here with me the last 4 months. Boy, has he. He’s there every day. But most days he has shut up a little more. He shows up every day at lunch to tell me that what I’m doing is dumb, but I’ve just gotta drown him out really. He’s there most afternoons telling me to go run my little heart out (Christmas videos and shows have been helpful entertainment lately). He’s still present. But I think he may be quieter. It’s been so hard to wrap my mind around how my body looks now. So hard. I don’t even know an expression that is great enough to explain how I feel. I’m trying to focus on the positive aspects of it and learn to accept myself.

Instead of trying to focus on the negative things I’m trying to hard to focus on the good: what’s positive, what brings me joy, what brings others joy, what makes me feel good. Like I said, maybe it’s all the Christmas décor in my house, the Christmas movies on TV, the thought of a break from school and all the Christmas crafts I’d like to do, but I’m trying to think of it as more of a healing process.

There is probably so much more I could say but I’m trying to frantically get these words out on the page before I completely lose what I have been thinking about for the past few hours. I hope you are well and are having a wonderful Christmas or Holiday Season 🙂

We start reading The Polar Express tomorrow!

 

You Are My Sunshine

It was a weekend filled with family, love, super scary food adventures and most importantly celebrating love 🙂

This past weekend my husband and I traveled to Marathon, Texas for a family wedding. There isn’t a whole lot in this town, however the hotel we stayed at was phenomenal and the views were just spectacular! It really was a highly enjoyable weekend and great to get away for just a few hours.

We stayed at The Gage Hotel which was also the location of the wedding. It was a beautiful venue! I don’t know how the bride found it but it was lovely.

We stayed in this old colonial style house (I think it said it was colonial. I can’t really remember all that well. Who cares, it was gorgeous.) with some other family members as we enjoyed the weekend.

Most of my time was filled with visiting with family members, getting to know them better or just spending time with my husband. On Saturday morning Marty and I walked from our room down to this super adorable restaurant to enjoy breakfast. We were the only ones there because we are both such early risers.

I did manage to get a run in that morning as well. Marathon is really small so I basically ran the entire town as my route. The first part of the run I was basically playing photographer instead of running. The view of the “mountains” was just too neat! Very pretty. Also, windmills. Windmills everywhere! I actually find windmills a nice view by themselves.

Throughout the whole weekend I tried my very hardest to keep the screaming ED thoughts at bay. This is so difficult when they are usually so prominent. I wanted to enjoy the mini vacation and time with my husband and family. This is difficult though when I’m eating foods that are just SO foreign and sometimes you don’t even know that they are. I’m terrified of food that I don’t know the caloric content of and so I was face to face with one of my biggest fears every meal every day we were there. I was faced with people asking how my food was, asking if I had eaten and I felt like were watching me. I’m just different when it comes to food. I just want to eat it and not discuss it. Other people, normal people, that don’t have eating issues, are probably able to enjoy food more easily and discuss among themselves. It just keeps me like a cat on a hot tin roof! I tried to keep myself from being too on edge about it. I really did.

I did make one discovery at lunch Saturday though! I ate part of M’s sandwich and I learned that I think I like rye bread. I need to go to HEB asap so check this stuff out!

Saturday evening was wedding time!!! The location for the ceremony was in the backyard of the house we were staying at and it was just gorgeous. It was simple but the scenery really took your breath away. The weather in Texas was finally cooperating as well!

We ended the evening by having dinner at the reception and celebrating with the bride and groom.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray 🙂

This weekend I had to learn to let go of some of my control. I can’t ALWAYS pack my lunch. I can’t ALWAYS know about food beforehand. I can’t ALWAYS be expected to pick the lowest calorie/most healthy choice on the menu. There are just some things I literally cannot know prior to events. I can’t let that damper my experiences though! I can’t let food keep me from having fun or a good time. I can’t let myself walk around in one giant ball of worry and anxiety because I’m worried about how this piece of bread will work in my body and where I’m going to find it in the mirror lately. Sometimes, you have to try and live in the moment and actually live.

Sometimes, you have to be fearless.

Fun Things Friday 5/13

The 1950s called…they wanted to know if they could have their housewife back.

I wish!! There’s a time period I wished I lived in 🙂

This week while I was subbing the class I was in was reading Charlotte’s Web so I got to read them a few chapters. I forgot I liked that book! It was so cute and pretty great to re-live those moments with the kiddos.

Also in positive things this week….mail.

My birthday is next week so my Grandma mailed me a birthday present. Apparently my new obsession with salt and pepper shakers has been conveyed to her because she got me these 2 cute sets!!!!! The came from this old drugstore/old style restaurant where she lives that I love to go to.

Are the pigs not the cutest things you’ve seen?!?! They just made me smile. She also sent me her old George Foreman Grill!!! I’ve been wanting one of these! So, naturally, I already created a Pinterest board so I can make some new recipes. She did really good this year.

When I went to the local grocery store yesterday, the checker randomly gave me a rose. I don’t know why. I think all the women that went in there yesterday received them for some reason. It was nice though. Lastly, the world just needed to know how cute I think that it is when my Grandma mails me something. Ever since I got married, whenever she mails me something she always makes sure to write “Mrs.” and my first and last name. I don’t know if other people find that cute, but I think it’s super sweet and kind of adorable.

I’m kind of a dork and still over the moon about being married 🙂

For the most part, it’s been a pretty good week. There’s my random ramblings.

Link Love: Mother’s Day Edition

Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful mothers out there!!!!

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Happy Mother’s Day to my Mommy who I have to say, is pretty amazing. We may or may not have this best friend relationship type going on. Be jealous. She’s been one of my-if not the biggest-supporter through all these years of eating disorder recovery and I could not be any more thankful 🙂 (Think Gilmore Girls) I can’t show you what I got her for MD but it’s pretty dang cute and I’m proud of the cuteness and symbolic part I got from it. Hopefully she’ll like it.

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Health/Body Positive:

Eating Recovery Day: Why We Celebrate– via Eating Recovery Center

11 Totally BS Things Life Is Too Short For– by Lindsay Holmes via Huffington Post

HA HA #5!! #6 I also think is pretty important.

Candace Cameron Bure Opens Up About Her Recovery From Bulimia– Alexandria Gomez via Women’s Health Magazine

The 5 Things Your Scale Would Say If It Could Talk– by Cayanne via HealthyEzSweet

Fun/Quizzes:

13 Stages Every Jesse & Becky ‘Shipper Experiences When Watching ‘Full House’– by Jordana Lipsitz via Bustle

They are just so sweet ❤ But Becky’s wedding dress…..”have mercy!!!”

12 ’90s Movies That Will Take You Right Back To Your Childhood Summers– by Courtney Lindley via Bustle

YES. Babysitter’s Club, Parent Trap, A League Of Their Own! Just, all of them.

When Are Bath & Body Works 90’s Scents Coming Back? – by Kali Borovic via Bustle

I’m totally guilty of wearing Cucumber Melon. (Major icky to me now!) I think it was my first scent?? I just miss Brown Sugar and Fig.

14 Things You Would Have Said To Your Parents In The 90’s– by Lara Rutherford-Morrison via Bustle

Personally, I found the Internet boring this week.

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Happy Happenings<3

1.I thought I was going to miss Coca Cola’s names on all their bottles that they did last summer (I finally found one with Marty’s name) but I think I’m going to be a fan of these lyrics they are doing. Especially if I can get some T-Swizzle lyrics.

2. 6 month celebration, anyone? Marty had requested Pizza Hut pizza. He wanted the pizza with the garlic knots as the crust but they apparently don’t make that anymore. So I got his favorite kind of pizza….I ate a different kind.

I also got some chocolate cake for him and angel food cake for me 🙂 It’s THE best stuff! The cupcake selection turned out to be pretty lame.

3. Instead of garlic knot pizza crust, I just got some garlic knots. Still a win, right???

4. These little guys got here yesterday!!! Mr. and Mrs. Humpty Dumpty. They are super precious. Just saying. We’ll see how long it takes for Marty to notice them.

5. My feeling about all the rain lately? Well, I’d be a bad Texan if I said I didn’t like it. I enjoy the rain. However, I do not enjoy the mud, flooding for some people and the humidity that comes with it. I actually don’t really think I mind cloudy grey skies every now and again.

6. Lastly, I saw this on the Facebook page I follow, Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LGSW

She has so many great posts! I find myself cheering along and saying ‘yes!’ pretty much every single time she posts a picture. I have wayyyy too many screen shots from it.

Have a happy day! 🙂

 

Silly Holiday, Love Is Constantly Around!

The holiday of Valentine’s Day is upon us!!!! The spirit of love fills the air and hopefully YOU!!! I know, I know, it’s kind of a silly holiday. I’m right there with, ya! I hear you. It’s goofy to have a specific date tell you when you are supposed to publicly proclaim your love for another individual. But also…..don’t you sort of secretly like it/love it? (slowly raises hand) I’ll admit it!! I’m a closet Valentine’s Day lover/appreciator. I mean, you don’t HAVE TO or NEED TO get me anything expensive or cool, just tell me you love me and we can eat pizza.

On that note, I’ve decided to just say some things I’m thankful for this holiday or that make me feel all the butterflies/fluttery hearts/warm and fuzzy inside ❤

1. Family that Cares: Marty’s grandmother made enchiladas and somehow got them across the county to us! Nobody asked her to make them, it was literally out of the kindness of her heart that she just took it upon herself to make them. It was so stinkin’ sweet! So kind and thoughtful! Just to have someone think about you can make you feel all fuzzy 🙂 Marty said they were good.

2. Shared TV Shows: When Marty waits to watch the new episode of The Big Bang Theory until I get home, even though he doesn’t have to.

3. Children/Teaching: The kids at school who come up to you and how they are always excited to see your face and always willing to give you multiple hugs. Even IF they don’t know you!!

4. These quite spectacular zebra slippers that I forgot I had at my parents that now live with me again. Yay! Warm feelings.

5. Little things: Like when you come home a baby shower on a Sunday and haven’t been home since very early Saturday morning and your husband has picked up the house, run the dishwasher, cleared up some clutter, and separated the laundry piles. Little things can be big things.

6. Husbands/Marriage: When Marty and I find funny pictures on Facebook at night to laugh at together before bed.

Sometimes in all of the hardships in life, we have to stop and find the little things that make life so spectacular. We have to stop, refocus, and marvel. Not everything in life worth marveling at will hit you straight in the face or out rightly make you realize that it’s something big. Often times, little things are the big things. They are always there though. Always. You just have to be willing to take a minute to appreciate them, soak it all in. 

To The Blueberry!!!

Image: capncarrot.tumblr.com/post/15820626024/squashthatmelon-pineappledeliciousness

I just LOVE Psych 🙂 One day, when I eventually buy a new car, I think it MUST be blue just so I can say “to the blueberry!” like they do in the show.

In other news, I’m doing the “wife” thing and I baked blueberry muffins!! 🙂 THE best kind of muffins you can make-your argument is invalid 😉 Aw, now, “don’t be an incorrigible Eskimo pie with a caramel ribbon” like Gus if you don’t like blueberry muffins.  I got the recipe from the lovely Running With Spoons

http://www.runningwithspoons.com/2016/01/22/blueberry-oat-greek-yogurt-muffins/

I was really nervous about how these were going to turn out while I was mixing them. They have oats in them so I was nervous that they wouldn’t rise or they would be lumpy, but thankfully, to my surprise they turned out fantastic!

Hopefully, Marty will think so too. I think the plan is for him to eat some for breakfast in the morning (I made these at night). I tried part of one and I think they are delicious, however, I’m not sure M always quite appreciates my “healthy” recipes.

ANDDDD now I wanna watch Psych. Dang you, country living where we get terrible internet!!

Image: imgur.com/gallery/3EAcy

Rome Wasn’t Built In A Day

Chocolate chip cookies anyone??? M wanted some chocolate chip cookies the other night, so yesterday when he went into town I made him get chocolate chips. It gave me a great opportunity to use my new measuring cups (which you can barely see there). It also gave me a good excuse to wear one of the cute aprons I own and bake because I LOVE baking 🙂 I’m not super positive that I’ll be partaking in a whole bunch of this cookie eating, but we shall see. I did eat a little tiny piece. But M is a bit of a cookie monster at times…not constantly though.

Enter a MAJOR fear food here. MAJOR. I’m currently slightly freaking out at the thought of having to eat it later for dinner. M kept seeing commercials for Pizza Hut (he’s also a rather big pizza fan.) So while I was in Angelo today I picked up some pizza for dinner. I’m continually reminding myself to breathe even while writing this post.

I got the veggie lovers pizza. Wayyyyy back in the day pepperoni was always my favorite, but as I grew older and learned more about food nutrition, overall health and my eating disorder began to slowly become more prominent, I switched to cheese. I absolutely love love love cheese pizza! Don’t let me misconstrue that to you AT ALL!!

However, it’s been at least 9 months if not even longer since I’ve eaten pizza that I didn’t physically make for myself at my house. I made it myself so that I knew exactly how many calories and what was in the pizza. So, I figured, if I was going to try this gigantic fear food I was going to have to start small and ease myself into it. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know!!! I personally don’t think that I can just throw myself into a cheese pizza and come out fully on top of that mountain. I think that this is about forming a new path, fighting the battle and eating some freakin pizza. This is about eating a small amount of a fear food, not consuming a whole entire pizza. This is about taking a small step. I say again, Rome was not built in a day.

Yes, you do see 2 pizzas here. One is M’s. He likes meat lover’s pizza. I’ve had that kind before, I used to eat it sometimes when he first lived in Houston. I like that kind. It’s pretty darn good, because let’s face it, I’m a carnivore and not a full on vegetarian. However, like I stated above, I can’t just throw myself into a meat lover’s pizza and expect to come out alright. I need to start with something that I can feel like I can conquer and overcome. I don’t care if that’s not what the experts say, it’s what I’m comfortable with.

I’m doing what I need or at least what I think is going to be best for me and not leave me completely collapsed on the bathroom floor. I’m terrified. Very, seriously terrified. But I can do this. I can.

(Side Note: M has been very supportive today and I could not be more thankful for him especially on a day like today.)

Here’s to pizza night!!!

Mac & Cheese, Please

Last night was macaroni and cheese with turkey sausage night!! (Shh, don’t tell my husband it was turkey.) Anywhooo, I was pretty unsure about this  whole mac and cheese in the crock pot situation. It seemed a little sketchy while I was making it. It was what I like to call an “experimental dinner”.

BUT!!! Thank goodness, it was actually pretty good. I used whole wheat pasta, so that gave it kind of a funky “whole wheat” taste, so I think next time I’m just going to use a regular pasta. Overall though, it was pretty much given the green light! YAY!

What I’m trying very, very hard to do is almost force myself to eat actual food for dinner. It’s harder than you can imagine! I’m so used to eating yogurt or a protein bar or something that I think is a “safe” food. I’m working at it. Failing some day, but who doesn’t? I find myself going through these phases during the day where I’m in the “I can do this” mode. I’m motivated and I’m convinced that I can eat dinner. Then I have the other mode of “I HATE food. I HATE dinner and I HATE eating.” This usually happens after I have my dang yogurt at lunch. For some reason my brain thinks that’s so much food. I’m not even sure why…I don’t know.

What I fail to remember every single day is that I didn’t become this way overnight or even a week. I didn’t do this to myself in a month, so how can I expect myself to get better or recover in just a week or even one month?! That’s not reality and it’s so unrealistic. Everyday however, I fall victim to this thought process because I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel and finally feel good about myself. However, this is a long journey that is going to take time. I have to learn to be patient with myself, patient with my body and try to stay fearless throughout the whole process.

Then, after dinner my husband got a wild hair and decided he wanted to watch a Disney movie 🙂 He knows I own ALOT of these movies so he had to go look in my movie drawer and he picked The Lion King. It was a very comforting way to end the evening 🙂

Find Your Bliss

Life is beautiful. There, I said it. It is. Even if you are in the worst mood no matter where you look, if you try hard enough you can find something that’s beautiful. You just have to be willing to try. The same can be said for fear. Life has fear, it just does. However, I’ve heard it said that the flip side of fear is excitement. So, as individuals, we have to be willing to harness our fear and see the excitement in it. We have to take control of whatever we are afraid of and use it for something positive! I’m preaching to myself here, as usual.

Today I graduated from college. That brings on a whole flood of emotions. I worked attentively, purposely, duteously, and with much perseverance to be able to complete college in 3 ½ years. It’s been a long road, especially battling an eating disorder the whole way. Graduating bring fear and anxiety itself. It’s new and unknown and means that you are about to be thrust into the world and thrown into a new job or something unfamiliar and uncomfortable. You can choose to see that as fear and think that you have no earthly idea what you are doing! OR you can choose to see this next step as an adventure and as a brand new sparkling chapter in your book. It’s new, unmarked, and blemish free. You can make it anything you want! It’s a clean slate that can carry you to any place you want to go. You have to remember that God clearly led you to that position you are in and He wouldn’t have done that if He didn’t have faith in you and want you to succeed. God doesn’t want us to fail!! That anxiety and fear that we feel…well, it’s evil! No good, negative, throw it in the trash can evil! It can steal joy from happy moments and make you feel like you aren’t good enough. We have to continuously choose joy and happiness. We can’t let the fear creep up on us and steal the new adventure we are about to embark on.

“I want to be a woman who overcomes obstacles by tackling them in faith instead of tiptoeing around them in fear.” -Renee Swope

For me, I’m graduating in December and then I’ll start a new job in January teaching English to high school students. I’ve got some limited experience in that department, therefore I have so much fear, anxiety and major nerves building up. I’ve noticed lately that because of those 3 elements combining, that I’m trying to compensate for that in other departments (and by that, I do in fact mean the food/exercise department).  Because I can’t control the unknown, I’m trying to figure out ways to control what I can, which is food. I don’t wanna do that! I don’t want to go back to being miserable in a little corner. What a wonderful and joyous time of year this is!! I want to listen to Christmas music, watch cute animated Christmas films, shop, think of ways to decorate classrooms, and eat some Christmas treats! I don’t want to try and figure out ways to count calories or how to get rid of them. I want to choose joy, love and happiness and I’m going to try my very hardest! I want to celebrate life not hate it!!

Life is constantly calling us to make decisions, hard and simple. Today I had to choose to enjoy graduation and being with people I love the most. Sometimes, you have to search for the positive and joyous and block out the fear and others the bliss simply just appears.