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New Year’s Resolutions anyone?? Oh please, I’ll pass. All those promises made are just waiting to be broken 1, 2 or even 3 months into the year. Sure they are supposed to be a commitment, but how often do people make promises or commitments that they have no intention of upholding or allow them to crumble to pieces because the “going got tough”. I think my point is that I really despise the saying “new year, new me”. Why? Just why?

I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking over the past two days. I knew that one day when I was getting ready to get married that my eating disorder was going to get worse. I knew that. Did I accept that? NO! But in the back of my mind did I probably know that was true? Yeah, I probably did. I don’t really have many words to describe the pain…well actually I don’t mean pain. I mean pressure. It’s an insurmountable pressure. I feel like there is so much pressure to look just right and achieve the correct “bridal look” whatever that may be. But it’s all I feel all the time. Pressure. I don’t even think it stems from an actual person. I think I provide this unattainable level of pressure for myself. I think I have an image and I don’t even know how that happened.

I guess I could say that I wasn’t ready for this day to get here, but that’s not true. I’m ready to get married…to be married. What I wasn’t prepared for was the pressure. Even though I knew, I knew that this would happen. The truth is, I was never going to be ready for this. I was never going to be mentally prepared to wear this beautiful white dress.  It’s terrifying and overwhelming…but magical all wrapped up together. It’s a weird time in life.

I think I have this pressure because I think that I just want to be perfect. I think I want to be perfect looking for my fiancé or soon to be husband. Not that he’s set an unattainable goal for me, but I think I have for myself.

This is about to be a really big year for me. In May I turn 21, I get married in June and then finally to end the year I’ll graduate from college. There’s so much to look forward to and be thankful for.

So, I’m not making a resolution. I’m refocusing my goals in 2015. I don’t expect to change overnight or even half my habits in a new year, but a millimeter of progress in this department is the equivalent of climbing a mountain for me.

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,800 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 30 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

JOY to the World

I’m sitting here this morning watching they Disney Parade (I’m 6, I know. No judgement please.) But as I’m sitting here, soaking up all of the Christmas morning magic it makes me consider this life and most importantly The Savior that makes this spectacular life possible.

“The Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be pregnant. She will have a son, and she will name him Immanuel.” Isaiah 7:14

“For to us a child is born, to use a son is given; and the government shall be rest upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6-7

As I’ve said before, these past 2 months have been insane; both positive and negative. In 2015, my life is going to change for the better. I get the marry the love of my life! How crazy is that?! But on the negative end, my little brother has ITP, which is a a blood disorder where he doesn’t have enough platelets in his blood. He’s been in and out of the hospital for the past couple of weeks and he even went in a day before Christmas Eve. He got to come home yesterday though, and we all celebrated Christmas Eve/Christmas with him 🙂 He’s doing so much better.

This Christmas isn’t about being pretty for me. It’s not about letting Ed live my life and control all my habits. It’s about being happy and soaking in all the love and beautiful things that God has surrounded you with. Spending time with your family and being thankful for who is present in your life and stop complaining about being ‘alone’ because you don’t have a significant other. That’s not what today is. Take your mind off the negative and refocus it on the positive aspects.

This is a beautiful, wonderful, joyous, loving, exciting, and grand life. Let’s live in the spectacular now. Merry Christmas 🙂

Designed

https://www.yahoo.com/health/why-6-pack-victorias-secret-model-abs-actually-104909864872.html

I’m not going to say anything about this really. It’s kind of a lengthy article, but it makes a very good point. Let me just point out that your body looks exactly how God designed it to look and hating or harming yourself isn’t going to help you feel any better. Let the models be models, for their were designed to…and you, you just be you.

Be Your Own Angel

Time for my annual rant. If you don’t wanna hear it and you’re going to say “they work hard for their bodies and train as hard as anyone else.” Stop reading now. Go!

First thoughts when you first hear about the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show:

“Oh, great I like to watch that every year.”

“Then again, I just love to torture myself.”

“Skinny and pretty models parading around in underwear. Lovely.”

“Oh, but I love T-Swift. Ed Sheeran too!”

“I guess I’ll watch. Stupid models. Making girls self esteem go down every year around this time.”

So, I admit it, I pretty much watch this every year. I guess you could say it’s “torture”. I don’t know if I feel quite that way about it though. I’ve read and researched a lot of information about this fashion show and how the models workout and how they diet and how they prepare for this upcoming show. I don’t even want to explain that. It’s a lot of words that you could probably guess at or make your own assumptions about how those “angels” live. I’m not saying they don’t eat pizza, because I don’t know how those women live. I’m also not saying that they don’t work hard to maintain those “perfect bodies”. What I am saying though, is that does this industry have to only showcase this singular type of woman?

There are plenty of different sized women in the world. Plenty. And not one single type of woman appeals to all men. I’m not saying that we have to necessarily only showcase bigger than size 10 women, size 0 or size 6. I’m just saying that there could be variety added to the show! Seriously. Let’s spice up this thing or change it up so that it’s not horrifically predictable.

Thoughts during the VS Show:

“Well I feel fat.”

“She’s not even pretty.”

“I hope she falls.”

“Is she married?”

“Tomorrow I start running. I’m never going to look like that.”

I think that it’s important to show that all different body types are beautiful. I think it’s vital to show little girls, teen girls, young women, college girls, and even older women that their bodies are beautiful just the way they are. I know that I for one have trouble accepting these compliments or truths, I struggled with it all today. I just believe that it’s important to show young girls and daughters and mothers that just because they aren’t a size 0-2 doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful. It means that they are beautiful to their friends, boyfriends, fiances, and husbands just the way they are.

Yeah, the VS Show gets a lot of heat each and every year. Sure, the whole company catches flack for these models. I’m sure they don’t blink an eye at it anymore. But let me just say…..seeing your ribs isn’t normal nor do I feel that it should be praised. Final point, yes, they are pretty and work hard, but I don’t like the message they are conveying (whether it be intentional or not).

VS and Society’s view of beauty literally is “a nightmare dressed like a daydream”. Believe me, I live that nightmare. It seems like a sparkly dream, but it’s not, it’s really not. The vision at the end is not worth the journey to get there…….(insert experience here).

Something Old, Something New

Tomorrow is a very exciting day for me. I get to go wedding dress shopping!!! I got engaged just a little over a week ago…..but don’t think I’m nuts. I’m just excited and this is perfectly logical. For a long time I’ve dreamed about marrying someone I cannot see myself without, just like any girl does. And now….. “I have found the one whom my soul loves.” Song of Solomon 3:4. I can’t even believe I’m at this point in life for this! I’m literally so excited. All I can think about is how different this December is so different from the last. It just seems like we, and myself too, have such an incredibly long way.

Now as extremely excited as I am, this process also gives me some great anxiety. First, I don’t know that I ever thought I was good enough, nice enough or pretty enough for someone to want to marry. I really began this thought process when I was a senior in high school and throughout my first couple of years of college. Plus, how could anyone fall in love with a girl who has an eating disorder and literally hates themselves some days? I don’t know, but it happens. That’s the funny thing about God. I firmly believe that He has a person for everyone but He didn’t allow me to realize mine until His perfect timing. Not mine, but HIS.

About these trying on dress anxieties. I’ve had a long struggle with numbers on clothing, so this could potentially turn to the dark side. But it won’t. This is such an incredible and happy day! There’s no conceivable reason that I should be worrying what size wedding dress I wear or what I look like in it. I continuously remind myself that I’m not marrying Ed, (a figment of my imagination) but a man. A kind, understanding, giving and loving man who knows that Ed is an occasional house guest. But there’s no room for Ed at this inn. He has no home or guest room here in this new journey I begin. In this new journey that we begin.

Trying on the dress is a happy moment that really lets you know that this excited dream-like feeling you’ve been walking around with is real! Actually real. This is happening. This is one of the biggest moments in my life and I’m going to enjoy it. 🙂