Trying To Have Life Without Ed

 

There’s a lot of things I can’t do because of Ed, but yesterday night, I changed that.

For the very first time I admitted in public that I had an eating disorder. I went and spoke to my church youth group about self image and how what they say to people actually matters and actually effects people. Then…I told them about my own personal eating disorder.  I told them that how it got started, some of the terrible things I had done to my body and how I still felt that way. I gave Bible verses and told them that God was the only way I was going to be able to get through this. Without God, there s literally no hope for me. Often times, I have this tendency to feel like nobody could love me because I have this disorder.

It was a good experience for me. Nobody laughed, or said  out loud that I was crazy. Everyone was very accepting of me and made me feel like I wasn’t completely crazy and they accepted me even with my disorder. I really enjoyed talking to the kids. And it’s like I told some of the adults that talked to me afterwards, even though I have a very painful issues, I’d been the same shoes of those kids, I’ve been that age. I would’ve been helpful for me to know that someone else was struggling with the same thing. If God can use this and me to help someone else, then I’m all for that.

Fitch, Please

I had my first appointment back after the semester break. I guess that I feel pretty good about it. I got alot of things out in the open that needed to be discussed. Eventually, I’ll get to where I need to me….maybe.

Anyways, that is NOT the point of this post. I was on the internet as usual, looking at pinterest, yahoo and some such other websites, when I ran across and article that was talking about

The 28 Most Iconic Feminist Moments of 2013 http://www.policymic.com/articles/76145/28-most-iconic-feminist-moments-of-2013

Now, I don’t really consider myself a “feminist”. I do believe that women should have equal rights of men and things along that line, so I was just really reading it for grins. But I ran across that video where Ellen Degeneres  says “Fitch, please”. She’s addressing the Abercrombie & Fitch CEO who was saying that they would no longer sell shirts over a size 10. I just found that they way she addressed the situation was lighthearted while still being serious and showing how she really felt about the situation. I really liked what she had to say when she stated “Beauty is not between a size zero and a size 8. It is not a number at all.”

REMEMBER: Zero IS NOT a Size.

Thanks Brooke Davis a.k.a. Sophia Bush 

All Those Shadows Almost Killed Your Light

I have this friend, his name is Ed. This guy has been my friend for gosh, as long as I can remember. Man, we’ve just been through everything together. What a great guy. Anyways, even though Ed and I have been friends for a long time, he gets on my nerves a lot! Half the time, he finds some way to insult me. He’ll talk about my clothes, my makeup or say I didn’t make a good enough grade, or something ridiculous. Like he is perfect, right?! But everything that Ed says to me, hits me in the heart.

You know what? Actually, I’m telling you all a really good lie right now. While I have known Ed forever, he isn’t actually my friend. He’s my worst enemy and his name is actually short for Eating Disorder.

Pulls Her Hair Back As She Screams

Meet Virginia- Train

I heard this song the other night. I’ve known it for the longest time and I’ve liked it, but the other night when I heard it I fell in love with it. Now I’m completely obsessed. I think that I suddenly fell in love with it because it reminds me so much of me. For me, song interpretation can be taken many ways, depending what you are looking for. This song for me is about this girl that doesn’t have the best confidence and doesn’t really like the way she is living.

“Pulls her hair back as she screams….”

 

“And here she is again on the phone, just like me hates to be alone..” Much like me, I don’t like to be alone. 

“You see her confidence is tragic..” I feel like people could possible think that way about me. 

I’m suppose to go and make an appointment at the clinic this week, but I’ve yet to do that. I think that I’m avoiding it because honestly, its not something that I really care to talk about. It’s painful and that’s not something I really want to think/feel right now. Therefore, if I don’t go to the clinic, I don’t have to feel it. I don’t want to go in there and have to say, I suck at life, I can’t fix this and I’m not any better. Is there anything that we can even do anymore, or am I just like this? I guess I will never know unless I keep trying. I’m just, SO sick of crying. I’m SO sick of hurting. I’m tired of my heart feeling broken.  I thought that only love was suppose to break your heart? Geez, was I wrong. Sometimes, I don’t even want people to feel sorry for me. I think I’m suppose to be like this, so why should they bother to fee bad for me? I don’t think that I want to talk about it out loud because I feel like they can heart the pain and breaking in my voice as well as the pain written all over my face. I’m just…tired.

 

“Sweeter Than Fiction”- Taylor Swift

It’s Never Simple, Never Easy

“I’m gonna be sick. I’m gonna be sick. I’m gonna be sick.”

“I’m never gonna get through this. This is just complete torture. I’m never getting better. I’m going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life.”

These are two conversations that I have with myself almost 100% of the time, every single day. I can’t remember the last time that I actually felt good about myself, physically and mentally. All I can ever think about is how bad I look, how sad I feel, or how much food I just ate that I shouldn’t have eaten.  I feel so ridiculous and stupid.

I ask myself quite often about what I did to deserve this. Why did I get cursed with this disorder…eh, disease, I guess. What made God choose me to have this issue? Why can’t it literally only affect my life as well? I could handle it just a little better if my problem didn’t spread to the rest of the people around me, the few people who care that is.

Why is it that anytime I EVER eat something I get to feel like a complete piece of dirt? I could eat a banana and still think that I’m about to gain 3 pounds from it, or think that it’s about to make my tummy puffy. (Speaking of puffy tummies. That’s how I remember most of this beginning. Well, the beginning when I actually began to tell people. I remember telling my boyfriend at the time that I always thought my tummy was puffy after all my meals, or I would just randomly have my hand on my stomach, or just casually bring it up in conversation somehow. He probably thought I was nuts.)

Anyways, back to my point earlier. Remember that banana I mentioned? Well I feel the same way after eating that banana as I do about eating a hamburger or a peanut butter sandwich. It’s so stupid. I don’t understand what compels me to want to feel this way, or want to work out constantly and do endless crunches. Sometimes I think that this is all my life will be or that this is what my life has come to-being a calorie counting, waist measuring, only eating certain foods, and being a prisoner to workouts. Yay…….eventually I guess that will change.

 

 

I find this hilarious

Falling Apart, Barely Breathing

Breathe in. Breathe out. That’s just what I keep telling myself. Whether or not I heed my own advice is another topic completely. I keep telling myself that I look fine, that everything is okay or that if I never see the lines in my abs, or see my ribs poke out that I’m still me and people will still love me. Why? Why am I like this? Why did this screeching, screaming, loud fighting voice get stuck in my head? What did I do to possibly deserve this constant kind of thinking? It just seems unfair. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to save myself. I drown in my own thoughts daily.  I can’t change them. I can’t change me. Every day I succumb myself to becoming my very own victim; a very strange thing isn’t it? You would think I’d just turn it off and make it stop. Impossible. I mean, if there is a way to turn it off, someone please enlighten me because at this point I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel like even when I do talk about it to the two most trusted people I have, that I just hurt them. I hurt them because they don’t understand, because they sympathize for me and because they just have to continuously watch me fall apart and watch me cry my eyes out. Honestly, I’m at a loss for words. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Ed kept me up for 3 hours the other night. I was thinking, pulling and pinching at my fat, devising plans to not eat, devising ways to eat the minimal amount of food as possible. Welcome to my world, it’s almost always a dark place.