Monthly Archives: December 2013

My Demons Hide

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Smf5seVgynk

“My outsides are cool, my insides are blue, every time I think I’m through it’s because of you, I’ve tried different ways but it’s all the same, at the end of the day I have myself to blame.”- Unpretty– Glee Version

Have you ever tried to keep yourself from crying ALL day long? If you haven’t, I can personally say, don’t try it. It’s ridiculous. I wish I didn’t have to. All day long, no matter what I had on, who I was with, or what I was doing, never for a minute, did I feel okay. What an awful feeling right? I just, wanna literally break down in tears right now. But I know that if  I do start crying someone will ask what’s wrong, or try to help me. I can’t explain what’s wrong and really, how is someone going to help me? They can’t really. I just… don’t want anyone to ever think  I don’t look pretty. It’s a terrible fear that I have inside me.

As I go throughout the day, the worst I felt. I felt myself analyzing what I was eating, if I was allowed to eat, what I could possible wear tomorrow or even if I wanted to eat tomorrow. You’ve gotta give that some serious consideration sometimes. Or at least  I do. I just…I can’t do this. I can’t. I feel like I’m hiding in a corner and pretending that everything is okay, when really, it couldn’t be any worse. I can’t disappoint people. Sometimes, I just wanna throw things out of my frustration.

I’m trying very, very hard to be everything that a person needs or wants and really, I just feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I haven’t done enough recovery or I’m afraid that other person will think that I’m only concerned with me or what I look like. Like I said earlier, sometimes, I think I just wanna burst out in tears.

shame

It’s Christmas, shouldn’t I be happy, cheerful and excited?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW7MD4p2dGs

“And it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.” – Shake It Off –Glee Version

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Try to Have Yourself Merry Little Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Np9QrkUO554

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I’ve been sitting here on my couch for the past 15 minutes trying to do research on how people with eating disorders manage to somehow survive the holiday season without losing their mind. I never thought finding answers on the internet to a question I have would be so difficult! With 4 days until Christmas Eve, I’m starting to get a little nervous about all the food, candy, relatives and conversation that will be occurring over the next week and a half or so.

Sooo, anyways, all of the articles that I have read have basically said the same kind of thing. They say to create a list of things you fear could happen during the holidays, make sure you have a friend you can go to, and then to plan out everything as best you can. Some other articles I visited also stated that  I need to keep in mind that there will be obstacles over the holidays, and that I need to be open about Ed, my treatment and what I want and do not want to eat. They also reminded me not to be too hard on myself, because this is all part of the recovery process.

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One of the scariest houses I will have to go to over the next few days is my grandmother’s. This is because she is almost always asking if you are hungry, how your food tasted, what you think of it, if you want more and then she’s constantly hovering over you while you attempt to eat!!! It’s so nerve racking and turns  my anxiety up about 10 notches. It’s also pretty scary because of the fight that we had this summer because she wouldn’t stop talking about how everyone’s food tasted. So, again I say, I’m just completely terrified of going there. It’s just that all of her words put thoughts (that are already to common in my mind) in my head. They give Ed more power, (and like Ed needs anymore reasons to scream at my constantly).

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I just have to remember to take a deep breath. Think positively, and well, slowly and choose my words carefully. Try to remember that people just want to help and that they love me. And always, always remember that there is always something to be thankful for 🙂

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Never Thought I’d Be That Girl

My mind has been in so many different places lately. Literally, all over the place. Sometimes, I just take a step back and have to realize how blessed that I am. However, Ed makes that difficult to do sometimes. Especially at this time of year where things like food, candy, cookies and other treats are so easily accessible. Yeah, good luck trying not to binge or restrict yourself or telling Ed to go screw himself.

Anyways, the other day I was looking on Pinterest, when I came across this pin.

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That really hit home for me. When I was younger I used to see the lifetime movies or hear the health lectures at school about not having an eating disorder, and even though I kind of knew I had a problem, I NEVER actually thought I’D be the girl with an eating disorder. With my very own personal struggle, and with my very own personal Ed.

Sometimes it’s difficult to wrap my mind around the fact that this is my actual life. This is actually happening to me. This is my daily battle. And as much as I don’t want it to be and as much as I’d like to pretend Ed doesn’t exist, this is real life. 

It’s at the point in the day, where I start to feel discouraged and like Ed is never going to let me out of his heavy grasp (and I have alot of those lately) that I have to remind myself that getting rid of Ed’s voice is a daily thing and an ongoing process. It takes courage to admit I have a problem. It takes courage to just eat something sometimes. It takes courage NOT to go work out. It takes courage to stand up sometimes and say ‘Screw you, Ed. I’m going to do what I want for 5 minutes.’

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I’m really into anchors lately, and some people think I’m a little strange for that. I think they are pretty neat though. They are a symbol for me. A symbol of hope. Mostly because of the Bible verse that I have come to cherish.

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pink stripes anchor

 

 

Oh Joy, the VS Fashion Show is Here….

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/13/victorias-secret-models_n_4266776.html  (Body Makeup)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/13/victorias-secret-casting_n_4266647.html  (VS Fashion Show Casting)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/07/victorias-secret-angel-diet_n_1079315.html  (VS Diet)

http://www.blogilates.com/diet-2/the-victorias-secret-model-diet (Diet)

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Oh joy. It’s my favorite time of year, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is here. Ugh. Blah. (Insert other annoyed words here.) I really do not care. Honestly, the whole thing just kind of upsets me. I don’t want to turn on the TV and see women walking around in their bra and underwear just kind of having everything exposed. I just don’t see why it appeals to people to see women showing “fashion” in that manner. Is it the media, women, men, or the world that makes everyone feel fine about this broadcast? I know, I know, if I don’t like it, I don’t have to watch it. Please spare me the lecture. I’m well aware of this. 

My whole problem with this show is what it’s message is to both young girls and women. Why is being so skinny that we see all the stomach muscles or the occasional rib attractive? Why is this deemed beautiful? What makes those women any more desirable than those women who are a normal weight and don’t start to starve themselves 9 days before they have a big event? On that note, who even wants to not eat solids or drink anything?! That just sounds crazy to me. 

For me, being as I have my own eating disorder, this show represents a huge Ed to me. As I see the models walk down the runway, all I can hear is Ed screaming at me. He says that those women are something that I will never be able to attain. Nothing but negative words, and negative images. Basically, I’m pretty against having women walk down the runway in their underwear and having the rest of the women in the world compared to them. Those are a specific group of women, and most women in the world don’t actually look like that. I just feel like its unfair for women to be compared to that of models. Everything in the world revolves around what we look like. We think that if we look a certain way, dress a particular way, wear are hair in the current style, or wear the smallest size in the store possible, that all of that makes a prettier or have more desire to be wanted. I just think that’s totally wrong. We are more than a size and hairstyle. We are actual people. 

Basically, screw you media, screw you modeling industry, screw you clothing sizes, and screw you ED!

 

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I Wanna See You Be Brave

Yesterday morning as we picked my brother up from Sunday School, he began to explain how the girls in the class were basically putting each other down and calling other girls fat. When I heard this, I basically flew off the handle! How could young girls just stand there and call another girl fat? SERIOUSLY. What’s their problem? I just don’t understand what makes another person want to tear someone else down in order to build themselves up. Does that make them feel better? 

It literally breaks my heart to have to hear this coming from other people. Because honestly, I never, ever want anyone else to feel the way I do. The mind is a terrible place to be.I also don’t understand when your outside appearance became of higher value rather than the type of person you are on the inside. I know, that sounds completely cliche, but its the truth. I know, I know, this is the pot calling the kettle black……

This just really had my blood boiling yesterday morning and I could just feel my heart ache for these young girls. I just wanted to sit down and tell them that who you are is NOT solely what you look like. 

 

“It’s not enough to be pretty out here [the face], you have to be pretty in here too [the heart]. -Loop, Bright Eyes