“My outsides are cool, my insides are blue, every time I think I’m through it’s because of you, I’ve tried different ways but it’s all the same, at the end of the day I have myself to blame.”- Unpretty– Glee Version
Have you ever tried to keep yourself from crying ALL day long? If you haven’t, I can personally say, don’t try it. It’s ridiculous. I wish I didn’t have to. All day long, no matter what I had on, who I was with, or what I was doing, never for a minute, did I feel okay. What an awful feeling right? I just, wanna literally break down in tears right now. But I know that if I do start crying someone will ask what’s wrong, or try to help me. I can’t explain what’s wrong and really, how is someone going to help me? They can’t really. I just… don’t want anyone to ever think I don’t look pretty. It’s a terrible fear that I have inside me.
As I go throughout the day, the worst I felt. I felt myself analyzing what I was eating, if I was allowed to eat, what I could possible wear tomorrow or even if I wanted to eat tomorrow. You’ve gotta give that some serious consideration sometimes. Or at least I do. I just…I can’t do this. I can’t. I feel like I’m hiding in a corner and pretending that everything is okay, when really, it couldn’t be any worse. I can’t disappoint people. Sometimes, I just wanna throw things out of my frustration.
I’m trying very, very hard to be everything that a person needs or wants and really, I just feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I haven’t done enough recovery or I’m afraid that other person will think that I’m only concerned with me or what I look like. Like I said earlier, sometimes, I think I just wanna burst out in tears.
It’s Christmas, shouldn’t I be happy, cheerful and excited?
“And it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.” – Shake It Off –Glee Version