So, I haven’t written lately but I think that’s because I’ve felt pretty good lately. That could be a product of a couple different things. I think I’ve gotten my medicine under control and to the right dose that actually helps me and doesn’t have me all messed up somehow. I’ve got a best friend and the best boyfriend I could ever ask for and a puppy that’s absolutely adorable and who has totally stolen my heart. For now, and for the first time in a while, I think that things are going really well for me.
Anyways, I’ve been listening to Kellie Pickler tonight and I’ve heard her songs before and I’ve liked her but I never listened to all of her songs. I came across her, Don’t You Know You’re Beautiful song. That’s a really difficult for me to accept, as well as many other girls in the world. There’s just always a constant feeling of you’re not good enough. But as I listen to that song, I continually think, “hey, you know what, you’re totally right Kellie Pickler, I’m beautiful. I don’t need to change that. I’m fine that way I am.”
Really, the moral of the story here, is that, it someone doesn’t accept you or like you for exactly who you are, screw them. Okay, okay, I know there’s a more polite way to word that and that’s awfully blunt, but in the end, that’s exactly what it comes down to. If you let someone into your life and all they want to do is change you, that’s absolutely ridiculous! I’ve heard it said before that before someone can love you, you have to love yourself. I agree with that but only to a point. I think that before someone can love you, you have to merely accept yourself first. To truly allow yourself to be loved to your full potential and allow yourself to fully love someone else, you have to accept yourself as you all, with all your flaws, strengths, fears and triumphs. You have to begin to understand that even as screwed up as you think you are, someone else can think you’re perfect and that you hung the moon. It’s all about perception.
So, today’s Father’s Day, so in my family on holidays it’s kinda the norm to eat cake. Which really, I’m not arguing with. I’m pretty fond of that tradition, and I’d like to keep it that way. I mean, who doesn’t like cake?! However….that’s really turns into quite an issue for me. Like…I just digested a bunch of cake and I’m trying to deal with that in the best way possible. (When I say best way, I mean in the not going in throwing up my food.)
Anyways, while I’ve been sitting here and dealing with this overwhelming feeling of guilt, I’ve been watching the CMT Crossroads of Kacey Musgraves and Katy Perry. I happen to be embarking on a bit of a love affair with Kacey Musgraves and her music; poor Taylor Swift seriously. But, as they were singing Roar, it reminded me of myself and Ed.
“You held me down, but I got up, already brushing off the dust.”
Ed holds you-I mean me- down. That’s all he does, that’s his sole purpose in life. That’s it. His purpose is to live inside my head and tell me I’m a piece of dirt. But I have to try- and I use try loosely- to make myself realize that. I have to try to remember that people for love me for me (it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Ha ha.) But I have to remember that I’m just Kairos, and if people like me, they are gonna have to take all of me, as is, damage and all, a gain of 5 pounds and all, a loss of 5 pounds and all, no makeup and messy hair and all.
“I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire, ’cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar.”
I think that I have stumbled upon my new favorite person. Miss Indiana 2014: Mekayla Diehl. Mekayla is a 25 year old who recently competed in the Miss USA pageant. Even though she didn’t win the crown, she’s a winner in my heart.
Normally, when you watch beauty pagents, the women are up there in their bathing suits and are usually super slim, have skinnier legs, sometimes have much muscle tone but more often times than not, don’t depict a “normal” body image or the “normal” American woman.
Miss Alabama 2013 Mary Margret McCord
What I thought was really cool was that Mekayla wasn’t trying to be as tiny as possible, not eating like a normal person and depriving herself of things she really wanted just to be deemed beautiful at the contest or in regular life. And it worked! Nobody is frowning upon her for her physique! She looks fantastic! She doesn’t need to be skinny as a rail, and have abs that pop out all over the place for all of America to think she looks pretty. I find that inspiring not only to be but to girls everywhere.
Not that some women aren’t just naturally thin, and have great muscle tone, visible abs and model features because there are. But I love that Mekayla was able to be in this Miss USA contest or win the title of Miss Indiana, because it shows all of us that everyone can be beautiful. It’s not just the slender women that can participate in these contest and have all of America fawning over them. I think that it’s inspiring to young teen girls, little girls and women as a whole. It shows little girls that just because they look different doesn’t mean they have to give up on their dreams and older girls that sometimes being different sets you apart.
Bottom line, Mekayla Diehl has a special place in my heart <3.
“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”
Have you ever done something you’re kind of ashamed of? I have. Haven’t we all? Have you ever done something that you were ashamed to tell someone? Even out loud to yourself? I have. I did…today.
The thing about people with eating disorders, well, at least me, is that, no matter what you do you never feel like its working or like you’re good enough. Constantly, I have this overwhelming feeling of being inadequate, of being not pretty enough, smart enough, fit enough, healthy enough, happy enough, or kind enough. I go through at least 3 of these cycles throughout the day. Despite anything anyone tells me, I don’t feel good about myself. I could run a marathon and burn allllll of those calories and still feel like I didn’t work hard enough and that I could’ve done more.
Anyways, back to that horrible thing that I didn’t want to tell anyone today. I ate dinner, felt terrible, like I always do; then I traveled into the bathroom….and well I’m sure your imagination can take you to the correct place on this one. For the first time, in my entire life, throughout my entire journey with this torturous eating disorder, I threw up my food for the actual first time. It wasn’t all of it, just a little bit, but nevertheless I did it. It didn’t make me feel better. It didn’t make me feel worse either. It didn’t make me feel anything. I just feel like I’m anything. I’m feel like I’m not worth it to some people.
I’m not a stupid girl. Don’t think that. I know that it’s not the ideal way to lose weight; I know it’s completely absurd. I know that it’s stupid and that people die from it. I don’t plan on doing it all the time. I don’t. I just thought, that in that moment, that it might alleviate some of the pain. It doesn’t.
Is anyone else left scratching their head when it comes to clothing sizes or is it just me? When your mother was younger did it seem like it was more common for more slender women to wear larger clothing sizes. Not everyone was a size 0, 2 or 4 then. It was normal for women to wear a size 8 and still be considered on the lower end of the weight charts. So, I decided to do a little research to figure out what’s going on with this mystery sizing.
Apparently in 1983, the United States Department of Commerce chose to uniform sizing system because the current one didn’t reflect the new sizes of people. If you take a look at the sizes and average size of women from years back are dramatically different. About 50 years ago, the average American woman was about 5’4” with a waist size of 24-25” and weighed around 120 pounds actually worse a size 8! But in today’s society, the average woman is 5’4”, weighs 140-150 pounds, has a waist of 34-35” and wears a size 12-14. What???
Since vanity is so important in today’s time, from models to movie stars, in order to change to fit the mold the designers have changed the sizes so that sizes that are actually larger are marked as smaller! So, therefore, what was a size 8 in 1950, is currently a size 4 or smaller in today’s system. I don’t know if that startles anyone else, but it freaks me out a little and make me wonder why that was really necessary. Why did the whole sizing system need to change? Was being a size 0 really that important? Let’s just think about the fact that what used to be a size 8, is not a size 4. Size 8=Size 4. Arrggg, bleh, what?! I can’t even piece that together in my mind or make that connection to the sizes. This just really frustrates me.
Grace Kelly & Audrey Hepburn 1956
It’s amazing the amount of rejection that I see
In my reflection and I can’t get out of the way
So, Miranda Lambert’s new album Platinum came out today. In case you didn’t know this about me, I happen to be a pretty big Miranda fan. I love her. I loved her when she was first starting out and just a small town East Texas girl and I love her still even though she’s finally being recognized. What I used to love about her is that she was never ashamed of her body for the way it was. She always felt beautiful and comfortable in her own skin. Now, even though she’s revamped her body and gotten it toned, to a smaller size and is now eating healthier, she is still someone to look up to regarding body image. She doesn’t let other people tell her how she should look.
“Bathroom Sink” is one of the songs on her new record. I’m really loving it because it shows that even she struggles with body image. It’s saying that the bathroom sink, a.k.a. the mirror, gives us all problems. For me, it usually tells me I’m not good enough. That’s why I bolded my favorite line from the song. It’s really easy to see rejection and flaws in myself, however, I can’t stop standing in front of that stupid mirror and picking at all of my “flaws”. Glamour is a really easy way to hide yourself, to hide your feelings and flaws and try to make yourself feel better and more presentable. But it’s not everything and all the amount of makeup, glitter, and pretty clothes can’t make up for a lack of confidence. What you think of yourself is pretty important. It’s the most important opinion, not someone else’s.
It all gets complicated
Glamour at its finest
Just means someone’s hiding
From their own reality and the mirror at their bathroom sink
I really relate to and love this song because while it is talking about how that mirror and bathroom can make you feel completely awful, at the same time, it’s not important and you can find your own power over it. You can take all of the self criticism and put it to good use. You can either let it weigh you down or you can let it go and “clean up the bathroom sink” and go on with the rest of the day. You can’t “spend too much time in front of the bathroom sink.”
All of that is easier said than done, especially for me. But one day, I think that I can take the mirror’s power and let it go elsewhere.
I’m lookin’ forward to the girl I wanna be…