Peanut Butter Swamp

Stop Comparing Yourself To Others And Focus On You — Here’s How– by Lisa Quast via Forbes

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Do you ever feel like you are standing completely still and the world is just whizzing by? Like you are sprinting as fast as you can but the peanut butter you are trekking through is slowing you down? It just won’t let you move any quicker than you are already going? Am I the only one who feels like I’m trying so hard, exerting all the efforts and doing everything I can the “right way” but still coming up a little short than others? Am I the only one who feels like they are stuck in a peanut butter swamp?!

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Don’t get me wrong, I love my peanut butter; but I don’t love running in it.

We’ve heard it said before that comparing yourself to others won’t get you anywhere. It won’t make you feel better about yourself. It won’t make you more successful and it doesn’t mean you are better than anybody else. Comparison creates misery. It doesn’t matter what we are comparing ourselves to others on, whether it be our body, our job, our intelligence, relationships, cooking skills, friendships or anything else under the sun, it’s all so self-destructive and damaging.

Everyone is on their own journey in life. We are all in different places. Lately, I’ve noticed in myself that as I look at these snapshots of other people’s lives on Instagram or Facebook I feel a little discouraged. I see people around my age getting married or graduating (which I’ve done both), getting a job, becoming more physically fit, reaching diet goals, reaching life goals, having a baby, traveling and seeming to have these grand successes. And I’m happy for them! I truly am but I feel like I’m standing in thick peanut butter. I can’t seem to stop myself from comparing my life to theirs! What is wrong with me?! It’s not that I’m not content with where I am. I love my life and everything God has provided me. I think that at times I just feel discouraged because I feel like I’m trying as hard as I possibly can to get a job and just come up short. Or, I see other women my age having a baby and it starts to me nervous and think… “Oh, should I be trying to have a baby? Am I getting old?!” (I know that’s an irrational thought. I’m NOT old. I also know that starting a family right now is not a road I want to venture down. However, that doesn’t stop my panic every now and then.) Then I see all the ads, progress pictures or just already in great shape women I follow and think that I’m “letting myself go”. I begin to think that I’m not pretty enough, I’m not working out hard enough and I’m going to gain all this weight and not be happy.

Here’s where my history with an eating disorder does not work in my favor. When I’m stressed out (which I already am with working towards recovery) I originally found my eating disorder voice. When I felt like I wasn’t good enough I found myself masking my emotions and feelings aside and trading them in for workouts, food restriction and cutting myself off from others. I was scared just like I am now. I have to fight so hard to keep my mind away from those thoughts. Some days they get the best of me. Some days I have to coach myself and say, “It’s okay to eat. It’s not going to make you less of a person.” or “You don’t have to run more than 4 miles. Moving a little is better than not moving at all.” I’m so terrified by other’s success that I feel like my minor ones are insignificant or even worse, failures.

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The fact that I can run 4 miles now, is a success. However, when I see these Instagram posts, “super fit pregnancy” pictures or Pinterest things with photographs of way physically fit women, I suddenly feel like less of a person and my confidence is shaken. I just start to wonder what I’m doing wrong or what else I could do to achieve their success. I feel like I’ve fallen behind. When I see someone else finally get the job they have been looking for, I begin that exact same cycle of comparison and wonder what I could do differently…..to achieve their success.

The two key words here are their success. Wait, why do I have somebody else’s success?! I AM capable of my OWN success. I just have to be patient. I have to work on myself. I have to be content with where I am in my journey in life. I don’t want someone else’s used gum, so why would I want someone else’s success? It’s already being used there. I want my own! Just like I want my own York patties, pizza and peanut butter sandwich 🙂

We haven’t “fallen behind” as we so often feel. We aren’t less of a person because we don’t look like someone else or aren’t in the exact same place as some people in our journey in life! We don’t know how long the person we are comparing ourselves to has been stuck in their own peanut butter swamp or what it took to get them to their current success. We are just us. We are all just doing the best we can. The best thing we can remember is this:

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And to remember to be patient and content-even in hard times-in our own peanut butter swamp.

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Where’s My Magic Wand?

It’s been a long day. I can’t turn my thoughts off (which are mostly negative). But I can’t make them cease and I can’t stop myself from thinking I’m still going to hate myself tomorrow, as terrible as that sounds. Usually I can watch some childhood movie and have myself feeling a little better, but I don’t think my Fairy Godmother is showing up with her magic wand anytime soon.

Image: http://drinkupmehertiesyoho.tumblr.com/

I literally fear being hungry but I fear eating as well. I’ve spent 95% of my day focused on these type of thoughts. It’s been a hard day. I know that for most of you, my “hard day” probably seems minuscule and it’s actually not a big deal at all compared to what you deal with….but it was hell. I’ve also spent a fair amount of time today Googling odd things such as:

“you are more than your weight”

“do people still love you no matter what you weigh?”

“does weight really matter?”

And finally, “if I eat a donut will it hurt my diet?”

None of these searches really gave me the bold, punch me in the face answer I was looking for-especially the last one! However, I did find a few articles that made me feel better for a few minutes. They made me smile and think, “Hey, maybe everything isn’t so gray and dreary. Maybe I’m doing good and this is all alright. Maybe it is okay to like myself even just a little bit.” Then, after my 4 minutes were up, I basically went back to the same thoughts that brought me back into my distorted reality where I just feel…..almost hopeless. These thoughts steal my joy and don’t give me anything, yet I can’t turn them off. Maybe it stems from being alone most of the day. Maybe it stems from not watching the new Netflix show I’ve been enjoying over the past few days. Maybe it stems from….well I just don’t freaking know! I don’t know where it comes from and I don’t know why I currently feel like laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling. I just can’t explain it.

I’m not sure I really have much else to say. However, I’d like to feel happier. I mean, Easter is this weekend and I’d like to be able to feel happy on the inside. Also, I’d like to watch an Easter movie! Why are there none of those on TV?!

Image: http://www.themarysue.com/baby-disney-villains/#7

Here are those articles I was talking about:

The one in Cosmopolitan was pretty touching for me.

17 Reasons to Love Your Body Just the Way It Is– by Amy Odell via Cosmopolitan

You Are More– by Selah via Operation Beautiful

A Teaspoon of Almond Butter

Sometimes celebrating a holiday late is even sweeter than celebrating on the actual day 🙂 Just like in 2014, when Marty and I celebrated our 1st (of course it was a few days late because he was being released from the Army and all) Valentine’s Day he brought me those wooden roses in the background. In 2016, he’s having both of those traditions continue. Flowers that don’t die 🙂

In more….less happy news. We have some things to lay out on the table here. Let’s talk about yesterday and today (mostly the morning).

After that doctor’s appointment a few weeks ago, it kind of scared me into recovery. I realize that I can’t keep doing what I have been and I CAN’T fix myself. So, yesterday, I got some help. I had a visit with a nutritionist who showed me a graph of what my body needs in high priority and what it’s currently getting with what I’m supplying it with. She gave me suggestions, meal ideas and kind of told me what would happen if I didn’t eat. Basically, it’s stuff I knew I needed, but I just needed to be told by someone certified in that field that it was okay to eat “fat” and “protein”. Mainly the fat. I’ve been so scared of it. I find myself wondering lately how death actually hasn’t already greeted me after seeing those results……………..

Back to the “fat” part. I need those for so many reason. To function properly, to digest, for my brain to operate correctly, to have a baby one day, ultimately to not die and for those essential amino acids. Scary/serious stuff y’all.

Here I am. Staring at the cold hard information. Someone can tell me to eat all day and that it’s good for me, it’s the applying it over and over, day in and day out that’s the hard part. I’m sitting here trying to make a grocery list remembering…BABY STEPS. I CAN’T automatically start eating like that. My body literally won’t be able to handle or process it because I’ve deprived it for so long. Ease into it. Baby steps. I’m completely and utterly terrified. Scared out of my freaking dang mind.

I had extreme anxiety last night at the though of eating Justin’s Maple Almond Butter that I had my mom get so I could start my first baby step this morning.

I drove home with this almond butter sitting shotgun the whole way and as I got out to open the gate in front of my house I felt like I was going to cry. I’m just scared. This is the most horrifying adventure I’ve ever had to go on. But I HAVE to go. I have no choice. I was stressed out and nervous and I knew the next day was going to be different and HARD. And the day after that, and the next week……

Turns out though, almond butter is pretty good. Even if it was only a teaspoon.

In Omnia Paratus

This sandwich right here is a really big freaking deal. Huge. To you, it looks like an ordinary sandwich (well, maybe not because of the bread). I used cinnamon raisin bread, because well that’s the BEST kind of bread there is. Anyways, you’re looking at it probably asking yourself what is so dang special about this particular sandwich. It’s a peanut butter sandwich and an apple. The special part: the fact that there are 2 whole pieces of bread. 2!!!!! Not 1. Not 1 1/2….but 2! I never never never ever eat sandwiches with 2 pieces of bread. I’m scared of it and I don’t like it and I don’t wanna do it. I felt like eating a “sandwich” with 1 piece of bread gave me some type of discipline and control that other people just didn’t have. That’s so not true!!! It means that I irrationally fear a piece of bread. Who in the world is afraid of bread? Me.

I ate that sandwich with 2 pieces of bread because I’ve recently come to a very startling, harsh and horrifying fact that’s staring at me straight in the face. I’m scared/nervous to even type it out. This is my heart on my sleeve. This is an insight into the most vulnerable part of my being. Exposing all of my elements, secrets and disguises.

Some times things just happen to you. I didn’t mean for this eating disorder to happen to me. While it could probably be argued that I did in fact do this to myself, I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing initially. I just thought I was “getting healthy”. I didn’t originally set out to lose more than 5 pounds or just gain a little bit of muscle tone. I didn’t. I didn’t realize that “getting healthy” meant becoming a slave to my own mind, being frightened of almost all foods, being afraid to be around people, sleeping just plain awful at night, having my thoughts consumed with food, and worst of all being unnerved, and sent into an utter panic over my own feelings and emotions that I buried deeper the more I developed my eating disorder.

So, what the heck am I rambling on about? I went to the doctor last Monday so I’ve had an entire week to process and cope with this. When you go to the doctor, they make you get on a scale (which I get on backwards as to not see the numbers) and take your blood pressure. Twas that day that I was suddenly slammed with the reason why I’m so cold all the time, my fingernails are often found a shade of purple, sometimes why I’m kind of mean and angry, and why tired so quickly in the evening. At first I just noticed that my blood pressure was lower than usual. Like way lower. I already have a lower blood pressure but this was abnormal for even me. Then, at the end of the appointment, the nurse handed me this paper that was just going over what the doctor had said to me. I glanced at it, not realizing that it would have my weight on it…..it did. It was at that point, that I realized why I always seemed to live in Antarctica and everyone else seemed to live on a normal continent.

It was at that moment where I felt panic and my heart ached. I never meant to do that to myself. I never meant for things to get quite that bad. I didn’t even realize I was doing it, that it was happening, that things changed or how I even achieved that. I didn’t want my gold star……..

It was at that moment that I realized……I might actually be sick.

So here I am. Trying to make arrangements to change that. Arrangements that are going to push me. They are going to help me heal and enjoy life and live in color instead of living in black and white and watching the colors swirl around me. These things are going to push me and I’m going to push back because I DO NOT WANT TO do them. I don’t. I don’t wanna change. I worked hard for this. BUT I HAVE TO. HAVE TO. I don’t have a choice anymore. If I want to continue living, if I want to continue to have a life with my husband, if I want to teach kids, and one day if I want to have a family. I have to keep pushing for the healthy version of me. I have to fight for the good.

But following inspiration people who are doing the same things as me or are a little further along in their journey than me is helpful. Especially when they are so kind as to stop, reach out their hand, and touch others.

God bless, Julia of http://www.lord-still-loves-me.com/

On a much happier note 🙂

Image: http://bluesclues.wikia.com/wiki/Blue’s_Clues_House

I also finished my mini cross stitch this afternoon while I watched a ton of Gilmore Girls AND the Charlie Brown Valentine’s Day DVD I got!! I’m kind of obsessed with Charlie Brown and all things Peanuts. And maybe it’s just me, but this little house I did sort of reminds me of the Blue’s Clues house….haha.

Now I just want to go watch all the animated movies in my drawer!!!! Really, I’m just a child in an adult body.

Link Love: Channeling Love Today

There’s another blogger I follow, her name is Julia and her blog is called Lord Still Loves Me.

http://www.lord-still-loves-me.com/

 She’s pretty cute and inspirational 🙂 She usually does a “Link Love” blog each week where she links to articles, quizzes, fun things, and interesting finds all across the World Wide Web. I’ve found myself coming across many good finds/reads this week so I’m going to follow suit.

This is her link to her Link Love this week: http://www.lord-still-loves-me.com/link-love-february-6th-2016/#more-5182

Health:

Food and Fitness: The Case for Letting Go of Extremism- Jennifer Rollin

Pretty much a hit home with me.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-rollin/food-and-fitness-the-case_b_9106092.html

Things That Make You Think:

7 Things I’d Rather Be Than Hot- Grace Valentine

This just goes along with today’s society and thinking about how people are more than just what they look like.

http://theodysseyonline.com/baylor/7-things-rather-hot/168793

66 Things To Be Grateful For, Big and Small- Sierra Horton

YES! Your pets, heating, coffee (or Coke if you are me), #48, #59, and #65

http://www.popsugar.com/smart-living/Things-Grateful-36053829

Books I Want To Read:

You’re Already Amazing- Holley Gerth

Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things- Jenny Lawson

Fun Stuff/Quizzes: My fun things are pretty much all in the spirit of the upcoming Valentine’s Day 🙂 ❤ I’m not really a super fan of Valentine’s Day, but I love the concept of it. (It’s super mushy gushy, and I don’t totally buy into the whole ‘buy me expensive jewelry, flowers and post allllll over social media that you love me. But it’s still a cute day in theory)

Can We Guess Your Favorite Holiday With Questions About Food? Buzzfeed I  got Halloween. They are definitely wrong!!!!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/sjufmkjgjesj/we-know-your-favorite-holiday-based-on-your-food-c-1xu0n

Which Disney Prince Should Be Your Valentine? Buzzfeed I got Prince Eric. Ehh, I’m more of a Prince Phillip kind of girl.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jonmichaelpoff/which-disney-prince-should-be-your-valentine#.vsL5ZDGX7

8 Pun-tastic & Printable Valentine’s Day Cards! One Good Thing! By Jillee http://www.onegoodthingbyjillee.com/2015/02/8-pun-tastic-printable-valentines-day-cards.html

Hope your week is filled with love,

XOXO ❤

 

 

 

Chocolate & Peanut Butter

This is me making a terrified/goofball of a face because eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Hear is literally the most petrifying thing I’ve done today.

Because Valentine’s Day has slowly crept it’s way upon us, there are constantly-and I do mean constantly-commercials with chocolate and candy on TV. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a Reese’s commercial or a jewelry commercial. (Heads up, just give me York patties for Valentine’s Day). Anyways, I saw a ton of these peanut butter cup ads on TV and I decided that I just wanted one so freakin’ bad.

So, today, when I had to go trash can shopping because we somehow lost the lid to our trash can yesterday (WHO even does that?! Seriously!) I had my mom buy some Reese’s hearts….I ONLY wanted hearts. I wanted to be in the spirit of Valentine’s Day. Plus, food is just better when it is cut in a cute shape.

Just looking at the bag was scary. I didn’t even really wanna touch it, almost like it was evil and forbidden. I had to tell myself that the voice I was hearing telling me that if I ate one that I was “bad” or “dumb” was from Ed and from the Devil. It wasn’t really and truly my voice. I mean, peanut butter cups combine 2 of my all time favorite foods. Literally. Chocolate and peanut butter. Those are 2 foods that I wish I could solely survive on. They could possibly be equivalent to heaven on Earth.

Then, I unwrapped the pretty shiny packaged chocolate hearts and ate the scariest thing that I’ve eaten since my wedding cake. Reese’s hearts. Were they good? Uh, yeah! You’re talking to a peanut butter lover!!! Am I still living? Yes. Did the world come crashing down around me? Well, not yet. I’m still scared out of my mind. I’m still squirming in my seat. I’m still freaking out slightly and I might be for a few days. I can’t even explain it to you. But that’s not the point. The point is that was a major K-Pow moment!

No, Satan, I Don’t Want Your Hot Dogs and S’mores!

I apologize WAY in advance for this…..this is pretty much raw thoughts of a person who had to get up out of bed to write this because I couldn’t go to sleep. There’s almost no organization to this.

This is stupid. Recovery is stupid. Ed is stupid. Satan is stupid. Hell, I’m stupid. All of this…..is stupid. What a harsh word that is. I’m not even sure it has meaning anymore after writing it down that many times.

Unplanned meals. Unknown calories resources. Hold up…..actual food. Why doesn’t any of it make me feel okay? Why doesn’t any of it make me feel like I’m doing the “right” thing? It all freaking sucks. I don’t care what you say. It sucks. All of it just isn’t fun. It makes my life not fun. It’s all a whole lot of work and time and effort.

I literally had to get up out of my bed tonight because this was bothering me so much. I went to a movie and dinner tonight with my husband and my brain is just on overload. Then again, that could happen when nobody wants to discuss it…….then again, who wants to discuss how I hate myself for the millionth time??? Nobody, that’s who. I don’t think that it matters what I ate, I think I’d still feel bad and hate myself for it. There is literally no way around it….I hate myself. Don’t ask me why. Don’t even feel bad for me. On my way home tonight I was thinking about this and the Bible study I started with church this week. It’s called ‘Breathe’ by Priscilla Shirer and this week we talked about how God sets boundaries and how boundaries are actually beneficial to us. (Literally, God must have been there that evening for me. Because originally the plan that night was for everyone to go around the room and introduce themselves and then say something about themselves that not everyone else in the room would know about them. What the heck was mine going to be? Hi, many of you don’t know that I’m trying to recover from an eating disorder??? Nope!)

Anyways, I was just thinking about love and how my parents can love me, my brother can love me, my husband can love me, my friends and the rest of my family can and God can. And on the flip side, I can love all of them, I can love yogurt, I can love owls, I can love teaching, I can love God, I can even love my dogs, but I can’t love me. Why?! What is so wrong with me that I don’t think that I deserve love? Because I ate some damn rice?! Is that why? That’s stupid. But that’s the gosh darn freaking truth. I think that because I don’t always eat foods that are safe zone that I don’t have anything to offer the world or other people. In my head I believe that I’m a piece of dirt at that point that has no value because I ate some food that gets chewed. That’s……excruciatingly painful. I wish I could think of a better word for that feeling.

We ate at Rosa’s Cafe last night. I order the chicken tacos WITHOUT cheese. Then, I picked the chicken OUT of the tortillas and ate it. AND I still feel bad about that. As I have probably said before, I think I could’ve eaten yogurt for dinner last night and STILL felt guilty about that.

We live a little over an hour away from where we saw the movie, and I don’t think I’ve taken a breath since then. My mind has been going over and thinking about ways that I can get rid of this. I could just throw it up. I could run 3.5-3.75 miles. I could just not eat food tomorrow. I could “run” 2 hours on an elliptical. BUT literally NONE of that would make me feel any better about myself. NOTHING would get rid of the physically awful and emotional pain that rips throughout my entire body and head. Imagine digging long sharpish fingernails into your arm (or somewhere) and just holding them there. Can you imagine that? Well, that’s what I feel like doing with mine. Actually, that’s what I feel like is happening and my fingers are literally typing right now. It feels like someone has taken my fingers and just plunged them deep into my skin causing me this heartbreaking pain. My heart feels literally broken, y’all. It’s a treacherous slope.

(Side note: I’m listening to Julie Andrews sing ‘My Favorite Things’ from The Sound of Music to try and cheer myself up before bed. Feel free to laugh with me about that.)

IMAGE: https://www.etsy.com/listing/125297296/the-sound-of-music-movie-musical-poster

But all of these bad and negative thoughts and feeling aren’t from God. This isn’t what He wants for me (well, I sure hope it isn’t). He wants me to be happy and free; well, free within the boundaries He has given me. It’s Satan that plants these horrible, horrible seeds and nurtures them so they can grow. When I was at this Bible study the other night I thought of something about him and what he’s doing in my mind.

“Sometimes Satan just isn’t out in the world tempting you with things or experiences. Sometimes, Satan lives inside your head. He’s got a permanent campground….he’s in there roasting hot dogs, eating his s’mores planning and plotting how to keep me busy or find something he can nit-pick at.”

But GET OUT of here Satan!!! I didn’t invite you to Camp KP!! I didn’t invite you to make up a negativity committee. Just get out! I don’t want to partake in your hot dogs (Devil Dogs lol), s’mores and camp food! Because it sucks and it’s not good for me! That’s not positive Godly nourishment….that’s you disguised at things I enjoy. My head isn’t your playground! It’s not the place for you to come in and torture me. My head should be a place I feel slightly safe and closer to Jesus, but instead it’s running rampant with Negative Nancy thoughts and maybe even Pessimist Polly outlooks on life. I have to learn how to battle Satan with God’s help. I have to learn to like and love myself with God’s help. Without God can I even learn those things? Probably not. I’m at this point where I know that I have to turn to a higher power than myself. I can’t handle this all on my own. I can’t make this issue disappear….only God can help me over that mountain.

IMAGE: http://www.papersparrowblog.com/

Sharing Sunday

Image: http://artjournaling.tumblr.com/post/45451839848/the-loft-challenge-3-by-our-misadventures

I’ve been thinking about this list for quite some time but I’ve never actually sat down and written it. There has just been a running record of all of my fear foods in my brain that I scan through before I eat something. Today, I made this list in a note on my phone and I probably still left out some. So, here’s my Sharing Sunday:

Fear Food List:

• Pizza
• Breakfast tacos/burritos
• Bacon
• Peanut Butter (I usually eat Pb2 or Better n’ Peanut Butter)
• Bread (sandwich, bagel, rolls, etc.)
• Cheese
• Juice drink (well, liquid calories)
• Candy/chocolate (that’s not a York Patty or starburst)
• French Fries
• Butter
• Pastries (pie, donuts, etc.)
• Ice cream/cake
• Hamburgers (not with extra lean beef)
• Grilled Cheese
• Baked Goods (brownies, cookies)
• Pop Tarts (which I used to love. Especially the gingerbread, sugar cookie and brown sugar kind!)
• Basically ANY fast food
• Cinnamon Rolls
• Yogurt with fat
• Nuts
• Salads with dressing
• Starbucks
• Things I don’t know the caloric content of
• Pasta
• Mexican food

Looking at this list is totally overwhelming. Totally intimidating. Are there any foods in the world that I do eat? Geez!! I mean do you know how long it’s been since I’ve eaten a grilled cheese? I literally don’t even know! But I’m seriously super petrified of EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of these foods. I’m scared of eat them and of what they might possibly even kind of do to my body. For the longest time-still currently-I’ve viewed food as negative. I view it as a chore and something that I have to do. It’s not enjoyable or fun! I don’t view food as nourishment and fuel as view it as evil and such a stupid thing that I need to survive. At my house, people sometimes joke that I’m the “air child” meaning that I can sustain life by consuming merely air. I SO wish!! Wouldn’t that make my problems just disappear and be that much simpler?

However, viewing food in this manner isn’t correct. It’s a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad (see my Alexander and the Terrible Day joke???) way to live. It’s crippling and miserable at times and I always feeling negative thoughts about food, me and from Ed creeping around every corner. Every time I swallow, actually. Even in the safe foods!!

In order to take a step in recovery I’ve got to start down the path of repairing my very broken relationship with food. Ed as well as myself have associated negative feelings and thoughts with food for so many years that there is some major damage. It’s going to take time to repair my relationship with food. It’s going to take many baby steps and honestly, it’s probably going to be painful to eat some of these foods.

(I did eat pizza the other day though, y’all!! And I’m still walking around here.)

I’m not saying that I need to eat these foods immediately! It may take a few months to even try another one. I’m not saying that I’m going to eat these foods all the time either (but maybe once in a blue moon I can eat a donut or drink a Starbucks beverage without completely flipping out). In the end of all of this, I just want to come out stronger. I want to be able to live a “healthy” lifestyle. That means that most of the time I eat the foods that are good and nutritious for my body and then sometimes I indulge and eat that food that isn’t always so great for you. I have to learn that I don’t have to be 100% healthy and “on my game” constantly.

Image: fightthewhispers.tumblr.com/post/55658747516/peenutbutterprincess-a-guide-to-overcoming-your                                                                             fightthewhispers.tumblr.com/mystory

This is a journey of one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. 

Pizza & Heart Sunglasses

So, basically, this is just what I’ve been doing for the past few days. Not really a whole bunch, but in case you care 😉

Saturday night I made homemade pizza (I didn’t make the crust this time.) This was my pizza (M would’ve thrown a fit if I made him eat my turkey pepperoni and “weird cheese” pizza.) FUN FACT: I actually neverrrrr put pepperoni on my pizza at home, but that day, I just sorta went for it. Pizza is a MAJOR fear food for me, so even when I eat it at home it’s kind of an epic thing. One day I’ll eat real pizza…one day.  I’m actually considering making a whole “fear foods” list. But we’ll see how that goes.

SUNDAY 🙂

It just seemed like a good opportunity to take a selfie in my poncho, my Grandma’s owl whistle necklace and heart sunglasses (I ❤ these!!) The sun was shining and it just seemed perfect. And sometimes, you just have to take a selfie, right???

Then, I went for a run at my house. I was a little concerned that it was going to be too cool outside to run but M reassured me over and over that it was going to be fine. Actually, his exact words were “well are you going to be walking the whole time? Then, you’ll get warm. You’re running.” I’m such a baby with cold so I still wore this big long sleeved shirt.

While I was on this run at my house, (I run on our paved road so it’s pretty nice) I met these 2 dogs!! They have never joined me on a run before..haha. They were so random!! Thank goodness they were super sweet though!! And then other times, you just have to run with sheep, right?! Those sheep basically live with us because our house is just basically in a pasture and these sheep are constantly there. So anytime I run actually, I’m always running with some kind of animal. Getting my wildlife fix.

One of my goals in this journey is to try and eat actual dinner (lunch….now that’s a stretch and freaks me out.) But dinner seems doable because well, I’ve gotta fed my husband. On that note, tonight I’m going to try making this homemade macaroni. So, we’ll see how that turns out!!!

I’m going to try to K-Pow life and Ed this year (or at least make it quieter.) Get it? K-Pow???? 🙂

 

A Marshmallow World

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

It’s also one of the scariest times of the year if you have a “lovely” eating disorder. Yipee…..I’ve been having a rough past couple of weeks. It just seems that no matter how much I eat healthy and workout, I can’t shake these bad feeling I’m constantly feeling. They are overwhelming and all consuming. I try to combat them by watching tons of Christmas movies (especially ones for kids 😉 ) and sometimes it seems to help for a little while. However, most of the time though, I’m left worrying about how to get rid of the food I ate or dreading and wondering if I’ll gain weight from holiday activities. It’s Christmastime. Shouldn’t I be trying to guess what someone got me for Christmas, shaking presents under trees, worrying about what I’ll wear to Christmas gatherings and commemorating first Christmas with my husband? Trick question, I’m actually doing all of these along with worrying about my Ed. I am doing all of those things while continuously allowing the Ed thoughts to swirl around in my head.

I know you’re probably thinking that I can help it, but I can’t.  Recovery is a hard journey as it is, then tack on the fact that this is just a difficult time of year. You are constantly bombarded with images of dinners and festive Christmas treats while also being the main target of weight loss ads and New Year’s resolutions. I’m walking a fine line between trying to get better and not slip back into old habits as it is, I don’t need that added pressure. Whether I like it or not though, it’s going to be there and I’m going to have to deal with it. All I can’t think about though is how freaking painful eating food is. No matter what I eat it just hurts me. Eating is pain. Don’t ask me why.

With today being Christmas Eve however, I’m trying to think about the joy that I should be feeling tomorrow. This year, I have dessert duty for Christmas dinner so I’ll be baking a sugar cookie Bundt cake, doing some last minute tidying up and getting ready to go to the candlelight service at church to celebrate the whole reason for this time of year: the birthday boy Jesus J So while I’m singing Silent Night at church tomorrow I’ll actually be praying for a silent night of my own where everything is calm and bright.

It’s super easy to get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season, which I find happening to me. But there are times like tonight and tomorrow where I’m trying my hardest of focus on the hymns we sing and the thoughts I’m actively thinking and trying to direct them towards the baby in the manager. And even though I’m no longer a child, I can’t help but think about Santa Claus and all the children leaving him milk and cookies tomorrow night (unless you’re from my house as a kid where we left him Dr. Pepper and vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting because we made cupcakes for Jesus.) It’s just so magical! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I think about it. I so wish that I could be a child again and just go back and live Christmas all over. As a child I wasn’t worried about what I looked like, I was just so excited for Santa, to see my family and celebrate Jesus that the worry about what I looked like in my outfits was totally foreign.  What a beautiful time of year this is.