Category Archives: fear foods

Patriotic York Patties & Coke Zero Thoughts

Recovery is hard y’all. Getting to a “healthy” weight is hard. Hearing that “you look ‘healthy’ now” are very difficult words to swallow.

Today has been a pretty good/relaxing day. Happy 4th of July 🙂 I spent my day going for a run, doing some cleaning up, doing some odd cleaning jobs and working on my Christmas cross stitch (welcome to Christmas in July haha). I just finished making dinner (hamburgers/cheeseburgers I was trying to make the All-American meal) and I was sitting here drinking my Coke Zero and patriotic York patties and decided I would write I guess.

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I’ve been having a rough time lately. I don’t think anybody has really noticed but I haven’t exactly been trying to broadcast it either. I do find myself being able to eat dinner more often, however as long as I think it’s “good”, “safe”, “low calorie/low fat”. Nevertheless, I eat dinner more consistently. Lately though, I find myself with these thoughts of ‘I need to eat less tomorrow’, ‘maybe I should try skipping breakfast’ (HA. That one is super funny for me), ‘we need to work out harder’ (uh…I don’t know how I could go any harder. Crazy Ed!), or thoughts from that realm. They aren’t positive thoughts and they don’t bring goodness or happiness. They bring sorrow, fatigue, ache, rejection of myself, self-disappointment and fear. I don’t need this kind of negativity in my life!

Honestly, my life is going pretty darn well right now. I just got the keys to my very first classroom last week and I get to clean it out and decorate it and really make it my school home. That’s so exciting for me. I need exciting and happy things in my life; I don’t need to be bogged down by what the heck I’m eating for lunch and worrying about if it’s going to make my students, co-workers, family, friends or husband like me less!! I’d love to be able to blame the restriction mentality on the fact that I just got my room and I feel like I have literally no idea what I’m doing. Seriously. I went to 3 ½ years of school for this degree and I feel so unprepared…hahaha. I’m sure lots of people feel this way though. I’ve been reassured that everyone feels the nerves, anxiety and fear when they start a new job. I read this article today (it was slightly on the dirty-ish side but not really). Anyways, it was about body image in the bedroom. It was a lengthy article but it was also helpful in more than one way. It was talking about ways to make you feel better about yourself and being proud of yourself. The author also talked about how your partner doesn’t solely love you for your body. Your family and friends don’t love you solely for your body. I didn’t get my first teaching job because I eat a bunch of yogurt, fruit and “healthy” foods. The author said to turn the situation around and think about if your spouse, friends or family looked a little differently would it have any effect on how much you love and care about them? NO! Heck no! Reading that article today did help me in its own strange way. Here’s the link if you actually want to read it Body Image In The Bedroom by Sarah Vance.

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Right now, I’m trying so hard to not center my life around my freaking food and flipping workout schedule. Trying. So. Hard. There is really more to life than meal planning and doing the same workout routine right on schedule every day.

Basically, that’s what I’ve been thinking. Andddddd because I’m a dork and super-duper excited, here’s a picture of my classroom. Definitely the “before” shot!!!!!

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Oh! Also my Grandma started painting this “P” for me a few weeks ago when I was down there and she mailed it to me this week. She’s super sweet and this turned out so cute! Looking forward to finding a place in my new room to hang it.

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Road Trips and Thoughts

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It was a mother/daughter mid-week trip! My Mom and I had a change of plans this past week. We were originally supposed to go to Dallas, but instead we went to visit my grandparents in Kingsville, TX.

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While we were there, of course we have to eat at 2 local iconic places: Young’s Pizza (which has wayyyyy more than pizza) and Harrel’s Soda Fountain. Harrel’s is seriously one of THE cutest places I’ve ever been to. Every time we go see my grandparents we have to go there. Especially when we visit at Christmas because that’s when they have this extra special room filled with all sorts of exciting Christmas goodies. I also may or may not have acquired some more cute salt and pepper shakers from my grandma from that store……

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Young’s Pizza: baked potato with grilled chicken and mushrooms!!

We also may or may not have done some shopping for “big girl” job type clothes. We were pretty darn successful 🙂 It was a fun and quick trip. We got to visit with my grandparents who I haven’t seen in a long time. I got my grandma to give me some classroom ideas because she was  teacher way back in the dark ages. She also started working on a classroom door sign that I wanted to make. I brought a wooden letter P for her to draw some school type things on there and write my name. I wanted to be able to hang it on my door when I finally get my classroom 🙂 She’s also a really great artist and I am most definitely not! Thankfully, she can help in that department. She hasn’t finished yet, but when she does I think she is supposed to mail it to me.

While this past week has been fun, don’t get me wrong I’ve had some major anxiety happening. I did get to run while I was on this trip but sometimes with me I feel like running isn’t enough. It’s not far enough, it’s not hard enough, it’s not ‘something’ enough. I don’t know what “enough” would be. I just feel like I’m constantlyalways falling short of whatever I have imagined “enough” being. I don’t know how to shake that feeling or how to achieve “enough” . I feel like there is something wrong with me because of the fact that I keep feeling this way. I tried so very hard these past few days to keep eating “healthy” but it just seems like it wasn’t right and it wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing. I guess, what I’m trying to say with all of these words is that I just feel like it’s not good enough sometimes. Maybe I feel like I’m not quite good enough? How do you become “enough” ?

All in all, this week was fun and it was great just to get away for a few days. I am very glad to be back in my comfortable bed though with my husband and 2 dogs that were extra hyper when I got home last night! 🙂

 

You Are My Sunshine

It was a weekend filled with family, love, super scary food adventures and most importantly celebrating love 🙂

This past weekend my husband and I traveled to Marathon, Texas for a family wedding. There isn’t a whole lot in this town, however the hotel we stayed at was phenomenal and the views were just spectacular! It really was a highly enjoyable weekend and great to get away for just a few hours.

We stayed at The Gage Hotel which was also the location of the wedding. It was a beautiful venue! I don’t know how the bride found it but it was lovely.

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We stayed in this old colonial style house (I think it said it was colonial. I can’t really remember all that well. Who cares, it was gorgeous.) with some other family members as we enjoyed the weekend.

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Most of my time was filled with visiting with family members, getting to know them better or just spending time with my husband. On Saturday morning Marty and I walked from our room down to this super adorable restaurant to enjoy breakfast. We were the only ones there because we are both such early risers.

I did manage to get a run in that morning as well. Marathon is really small so I basically ran the entire town as my route. The first part of the run I was basically playing photographer instead of running. The view of the “mountains” was just too neat! Very pretty. Also, windmills. Windmills everywhere! I actually find windmills a nice view by themselves.

Throughout the whole weekend I tried my very hardest to keep the screaming ED thoughts at bay. This is so difficult when they are usually so prominent. I wanted to enjoy the mini vacation and time with my husband and family. This is difficult though when I’m eating foods that are just SO foreign and sometimes you don’t even know that they are. I’m terrified of food that I don’t know the caloric content of and so I was face to face with one of my biggest fears every meal every day we were there. I was faced with people asking how my food was, asking if I had eaten and I felt like were watching me. I’m just different when it comes to food. I just want to eat it and not discuss it. Other people, normal people, that don’t have eating issues, are probably able to enjoy food more easily and discuss among themselves. It just keeps me like a cat on a hot tin roof! I tried to keep myself from being too on edge about it. I really did.

I did make one discovery at lunch Saturday though! I ate part of M’s sandwich and I learned that I think I like rye bread. I need to go to HEB asap so check this stuff out!

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Saturday evening was wedding time!!! The location for the ceremony was in the backyard of the house we were staying at and it was just gorgeous. It was simple but the scenery really took your breath away. The weather in Texas was finally cooperating as well!

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We ended the evening by having dinner at the reception and celebrating with the bride and groom.

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You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray 🙂

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This weekend I had to learn to let go of some of my control. I can’t ALWAYS pack my lunch. I can’t ALWAYS know about food beforehand. I can’t ALWAYS be expected to pick the lowest calorie/most healthy choice on the menu. There are just some things I literally cannot know prior to events. I can’t let that damper my experiences though! I can’t let food keep me from having fun or a good time. I can’t let myself walk around in one giant ball of worry and anxiety because I’m worried about how this piece of bread will work in my body and where I’m going to find it in the mirror lately. Sometimes, you have to try and live in the moment and actually live.

Sometimes, you have to be fearless.

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When I don’t have to go to work all day, I can be domestic. I’m kinda like Betty Crocker…if Betty wasn’t a baker. Whoever that would make me.20160502_17380520160502_174954

Baked potatoes (one regular and one sweet) and broccoli and chicken with cheese 🙂 Side note: sweet potatoes are one of THE best foods in my opinion. Plus, I actually ate dinner that was actual solid food that you have to chew. There’s a win in that department. My husband should be proud.

I have to brag on him for just a minute. Since he and I talked last week, every single day he has made sure to ask me what I ate for dinner if he didn’t see me consume it or make it. He’s been working at night this last week and this coming week because it’s hay baling time at the ranch. It’s been a big deal that he’s actually remembered that I should probably eat some solid foods and remembered to ask me. It’s sweet 🙂 It’s also very nice and comforting to know he cares about me that much and is trying to take care of me.

 There’s dinner!

Finally, I’ve said this before and I’m saying it again. Weather (especially Texas weather) is ridiculous! I checked my TimeHop this morning and 2 years ago I tweeted something about this same time of year.

I thought it was my birth month and I thought it was supposed to start becoming warmer! Not all rainy and fall weather like. You’ve just got to appreciate the springtime.

 

It Wasn’t ‘Justaburger’

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If you live in or have ever been to Texas you know what this means. Or you could just read the cup..it’s clearly on there (lol).

WHATABURGER.

What a scary, scary place for me to eat. But I really really needed to. Like really. I needed to eat something that might add value and a little nutrition to my body. So, I pretty much up and did it. Milestone. I seriously can’t stress enough how big of a deal it is for me to have eaten at Whataburger and not order a salad.

I ordered the Whataburger Jr. The kid burger, I’m well aware. I also ate apples. Baby steps y’all. I don’t think I could’ve handled much more than that. (Of course, they gave me a burger with cheese on it at first. I’m not ready for that either.)

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Sorry, but we have to talk about this kangaroo bag they gave me my food in!!!!! How freakin’ cute is that?! How could you not be just a little bit excited?

This is me trying new things and trying not to blow a gasket. This is me, documenting the fact that I ate a hamburger. I can’t remember the last time I did that. That was brave. That was fearless.

All day I was apprehensive and trying to decide if I was going to really do this. I did it. Let me just say, that hamburger was pretty dang delicious.

Sometimes that burger can be referred to as a ‘Justaburger’ at that restaurant. For me, this wasn’t ‘Justaburger’ this was me telling myself that I’m trying to learn to accept myself. This was me saying that my body deserves to be nourished. I deserve to eat. I deserve for my food to taste good. I deserve to enjoy it without feeling guilty.

I don’t have a whole lot of words on this. I feel like I can’t really say more than I have. I mean, I ate a hamburger and I didn’t gain 7 pounds over night and I’m still here and all the people that love me are still loving me. It’s apparently…..okay.

So, when I came home last night and my husband asked me what I did today-besides get his mother’s Mother’s Day gift- I said….”literally all I did today was shop and eat a hamburger.” That was what I did. As insignificant as that sounds I did a ton yesterday.

Can I Have A Burger Now?

If you are anything like me, you have a lot of random thoughts during the day. At least, I hope I’m not the only one. Lately, I’ve had this recurring thought that I can’t seem to shake about my condition with my eating disorder, recovery and overall health.

I find myself wondering daily if working out all the time and eating “healthy” is really all worth it anymore. Sure, you should probably treat your body nicely and not just shove junk food in it all the time. But at what point do we stop? At what point does “eating healthy” stop. At what point does “healthy lifestyle” stop for me?? I keep telling myself that I can cut down on the workouts and eat different food and eat a freaking hamburger every now and then (I literally can’t remember the time I ate one. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I ate fast food.) I’m scared of it. But I just kinda want Sonic so bad! But…I’m a scaredy cat. What else can I do? When can I stop killing myself to keep fit?

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Lately, I walk around wondering when I stop torturing my body. When do I “let myself go” or “let myself live”? What is that point? I’ve been thinking lately, I’ve done the whole “super thin/fit/eating disorder look” hell, there are pictures to prove that from basically my entire college career and I’ve got bridal and wedding photos to prove that I was fairly sick. Do I really have to be that extreme anymore? Do I really have to keep trying to maintain a lifestyle where buying clothes at the store is a chore because of the size or only being able to eat certain foods on menus at restaurants because they don’t have an insane amount of calories or fat? Do I really have to constantly be a slave to some sort of running/elliptical every single day in order to maintain my current weight? Eventually, I’d like to think that I’m going to be able to take a day off from workouts and not freak the frick out or do yoga one day instead of intense cardio. There has to be a point where I can eat a sandwich on regular bread and not think anything of it, right?  I mean, there is photographic evidence in my life that I was thin and I was capable of being a thin person. I will forever have those photos. So, do I keep trekking down that road? Do I stop and suddenly eat whatever normally is?

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Does it end when I just give up working out altogether? I don’t necessarily think that’s the best idea. I think that might screw me up more. Right now I don’t have a ton going on so I would need something to fill my time. Plus, that sounds like I’m basically asking myself to be more restrictive with food. Does it end when I have a baby? If I can even have one. Does it end when I eventually get my first teaching job? I don’t think I will be able to come home from work every day and do a 30-45 minute running session. I just don’t. Which scares the ever-loving daylights out of me. You can’t even fathom how terrifying that is to me. That’s a whole bunch of change just thrown at me at once. I’ll be a first year teacher, have a job from at least 7:30-4, have to figure out dinner, commutes, and I just don’t see how workouts can always be an everyday thing. It’s scary.

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This whole thought process of mine lately is scary. I just keep wondering…..what if I wasn’t a size 2, what if it was a size 4 or 6 instead. Would that change anything? Would people suddenly think I was ridiculous or would they even notice? I’m not saying I want to go from one extreme to another (which would be having a body weight that was no longer healthy for my height) I’m just saying that what if I finally got to live like a normal person?

Also, can I just go eat something from Sonic now???

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Rest Day and Restoration

It was an Easter-filled weekend!! On Saturday, Marty and I celebrated with his side of the family by having lunch at his grandmother’s along with his cousins. I used Easter as a good excuse to get a new couple new dresses. It doesn’t help that Easter is at an awkward time of the year where it’s slightly cold and windy.

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On Sunday, we enjoyed the church service with my family and then went out to my parents’ house for an Easter barbecue lunch. It was delicious! It’s been too long since I’ve eaten barbecue. I’ve really missed it.

 

Easter with my side of the family was on Sunday. Gotta take a picture with my two boys (that’s the-not so little-little brother).

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You would not believe how unbelievably difficult it is to get my own husband to take a picture!! However, this is a pretty accurate look at the two of us.

Oh! Also, I sort of cut my hair. It’s much shorter than it was before. It’s kind of freaking me out because I’m not used to it yet but I really like it! Putting it up in a pony tail is so odd!

This whole week I’ve been struggling with the anxiety of not working out one day this week. Well, long rambling cut short, I didn’t run yesterday and I’m still living enough to type this out and I didn’t seem to gain an obnoxious amount of weight merely overnight. So, instead of going and running and spending my time in the not so warm weather yesterday I got to work on this old chest that Marty took out of storage.

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It just needed a little love and a whole lot of lemon oil. I don’t have an after picture, but I swear it looks much nicer now!!

But it was a learning experience. I learned that I don’t always have to working out. I’m trying really hard to learn about taking rest days. Was it hard? Hell yes. Am I still freaking out over and is it still kind of bugging me this afternoon? Yes, it is. But the point is that I didn’t do it, and I used the time that I had to do something other than torture myself. Plus, it was kind of fun cleaning up this old piece of furniture and doing a mini restoration. It was kind of like looking at my own life. I am that old, dirty, slightly beat up chest there in that picture, but if I take rest days and try to take care of myself then I can hopefully feel like the restored version of the chest 🙂

Home Decor & Easter Cakes (TOL)

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!!! Don’t even think about pinching me.

I’m already Irish enough anyways.

It’s time for Amanda’s linkup over on Running With Spoons with Thinking Out Loud Thursday!!!

Thinking-Out-Loud21. Nature’s Bakery. I grabbed these at the store the other day because I liked the Nature’s Bakery fig bars and these were chocolate. I love chocolate so I couldn’t pass them up! I’m pretty sure I’m made up of half chocolate or something like that……

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Verdict: I thought they were super yummy and delicious, my mom did not share the same opinion. I think they kind of taste like a Little Debbie’s cosmic brownie (obviously they are NOT the same) but she says that they taste good, but they clearly aren’t the real deal.

2. Yesterday was shopping day in San Antonio with my Mommy 🙂 ❤ If you haven’t noticed, I hang out with my Mom a bunch. It’s my thing. Kinda similar to Gilmore Girls I guess. Anddddd the heart shaped sunglasses make their appearance 🙂

It was a day full of adventure. Which brings me to my next point…

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3. This picture has been a depiction of how I feel 99.9% of my life lately.

Since yesterday I didn’t really have the time to be a slave to running a set amount of miles or climb on top of an elliptical, I have just cycling this through my brain on repeat. I have to remember that I don’t NOT deserve to eat simply because I didn’t train as hard or go as far a I usually do. I have to remember that my worth does not change daily and it certainly isn’t measured by how far I can run or how close I can push my body to it’s breaking point. It doesn’t matter if I ran 6 miles or I only walked 3.5 yesterday. It was still okay to eat. I think…………..

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Image: http://fuckyeahfatvegans.tumblr.com/post/124159935513

4. Big cities are really the coolest sometimes. They have so much cool stuff that we don’t get to have in small town life!!!

I definitely notice that I’m beginning to change in life. I suppose that’s due to getting older, getting married and developing a more “grown up” style of life. The main way I noticed this was because when shopping yesterday I was basically forgoing all clothes browsing options and going straight home décor. I just want to decorate…like everything!

We went into a World Market for only the second time in my life and it was awesome! We so need one of these were I live. I didn’t get anything super interesting but I did get some more acrylic cups. We got some cups like that for Christmas and M uses them constantly so I’m always running the dishwasher. It seemed like a smart purchase.

5. WHOLE FOODS. It’s overwhelming and magical all at the same time! It was the first time I’d ever set foot in one. We weren’t even in the door yet and I was already in love with the place because they had my favorite flowers outside: tulips ❤

untitled2We got some interesting food items. Most importantly these Immaculate Baking Soft Pretzels!! I’m going to workout this morning and then bake them. I’m so excited because pretzels-no matter the kind- are some of my favorite things to eat.

6. Lastly, at Whole Foods…LOOK AT THESE CAKES!!

untitledEaster cakes are simply THE cutest! Check out the adorable bunny that is just too cute to eat and then the sweet lamb behind it. Easter is a holiday to me that isn’t really fun unless you have a kid or are a kid but the décor is just too precious!! There I go again with the home décor!

Random side note: I also updated my About Me page!

I hope you have a wonderful day and a fantastic rest of the week!!! 🙂 Thanks for letting me think out loud.

Chicken Parm Victory & Disney

I seriously think that sometimes I should write a book about how to simultaneously be 4, 21 and 65 all at the same time. This past weekend was pretty rainy, so I was passing the time indoors on Friday night. I watched some very old episodes of The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and worked on my deer in love cross stitch (which I finally finished!!!!) I was so over the moon with the Winnie the Pooh episodes. Literally it was probably my favorite show as a kid. It was so darn cute!! I might be a HUGE dork. Don’t judge.

On Saturday, my husband and I had a “date night” of sorts. I don’t really buy into the whole “date night” thing, but I guess that’s what you would call this. I somehow or another convinced him to watch Zootopia!!!!! He’s the best 🙂 I was very thankful for this because I didn’t really want to watch Deadpool. Zootopia was adorable.It’s the best Disney movie I’ve seen in a while. You should go watch it. Like right now. 

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And finally….drum roll, please. I made a version of Parmesan chicken last night.

Clearly, mine is the one with vegetables on the plate. Anyways, it turned out really well and it was so easy. It was just chicken, tomato sauce and some cheese. So simple  and a quick meal that pretty much anyone can handle it. I was looking up recipes on Campbell’s site and came across the recipe on accident. I’m so glad I did though. I think it was even a winner with Marty.

I’m just proud of myself for eating it really. I’m trying to take things one day at a time. There are some days where I have anxiety over food the next day, which is an awful feeling. Then you just have to remember to take things one step at a time.

Enough random rambling…lol. There’s a glimpse into my life currently. This week is pretty much about relaxing and enjoying the few days of warm weather on this spring break while it lasts.

Link Love 3/6

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Saturday was a fun day 🙂 My mom and I ate lunch at this super cute place (Mr. T’s Deli) that we always somehow forget about and then did some shopping for more cross stitch supplies at Hobby Lobby. Then I did grocery shopping (ick). But overall it was fun. SO excited for a new pattern.

Quizzes/Fun:

5 Things You Didn’t Know About M&M’s- Alessandra Bulow, Rekha Shetty; Today.com

http://www.today.com/food/5-things-you-didn-t-know-about-m-m-s-t77591

Which Dr. Seuss Character Are You? Buzzfeed. In honor of the great Dr. Seuss’s birthday this past week. Of course, I’m Cindy Lou Who. I feel like I’ve taken this before.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/michelleregna/the-cats-quizzer#.skM45Pwvk

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Which Celebrity Eating Girl Scout Cookies at the Oscars Are You?- Buzzfeed http://www.buzzfeed.com/jelenaa/which-celebrity-eating-girl-scout-cookies-at-the-o-g2wy#.wglojx5pd

I was Leo.

Which Disney Princess Should Be Your Maid of Honor?- Playbuzz http://www.playbuzz.com/sydniesilver10/which-disney-princess-should-be-your-maid-of-honor

I got Rapunzel and then Jasmine….

Articles:

The Façade of Perfectionism- Barbara Spanjers http://barbaraspanjers.com/perfectionism/the-facade-of-perfectionism/

Why Are Clothes Made For Us To Fit Into Instead Of To Fit Our Bodies? -Jamie LeeLo http://elitedaily.com/women/force-clothes-to-fit/1406023/

To the Person With an Eating Disorder Who’s Worried About Never Being ‘Fixed’- Sarah Weikel

http://themighty.com/2016/02/to-the-person-with-an-eating-disorder-whos-worried-about-never-being-fixed/?utm_campaign=site_pin_image

Recipes To Try:

Flourless Banana Pancakes: 3 Ingredients- Chocolate Covered Katie

http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2016/01/11/flourless-pancakes-vegan-banana/

Oatmeal Carrot Cake Bread- Recipe Runner

http://reciperunner.com/oatmeal-carrot-cake-bread/

I just do random categories sometimes………

Movies/TV I Want To Watch:

Snoopy, Come Home

Zootopia

I’m on the fence about 2 Broke Girls. I’ve watched a few random episodes and finally got to see the pilot. I thought TBS would run them in order after that but silly me! I’m working on it.

Also, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t judge me for this. I beg you. I’m kind of interested in the Jill & Jessa: Counting On episodes that start back up on TLC on March 15th. I just like those two girls. They are close to my age and just interest me. Fun fact, Jill and I were both born on the same day actually, just a different year. I think those two girls are sweet. I do not care in the slightest about the rest of the family. Thank goodness I can record the specials so I can fast forward through those parts.

I’ve also been super obsessed with cross stitch and I’m in search of new patterns. I’ve found these two that I think I want to do so we will just see. Apparently, it’s my hobby now.

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