At The End Of The Day

You know what’s frustrating? This feeling:

I feel pathetic. I just feel like, like I’m not pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough, and maybe even ridiculous because I don’t go to work I just go to class.

Do you know what that feels like, not being good enough? Terrible. No, awful. No, I don’t even know the words for that. Anyways, find the worst word that describes the worst feeling, and that’s the word. Peg that word for what that description makes me feel. That’s it. I really have no other words. That’s it. That’s all.

You know what’s frustrating? When the one person you want to talk to at the end of the day doesn’t want to talk to you. I know it’s difficult to talk to me. I know it’s painful and extremely exhausting to listen to me say the same thing ‘that I feel bad’ over and over again. But sometimes that’s what I need. Sometimes that’s all I can say. It’s the only way that I can describe the demons, monsters and name calling that goes on inside my head. I know it’s difficult to listen to me. I know it’s hard to find the right words to comfort me. But what you don’t realize is that all words are comforting. Knowing that you want to listen is comforting. Knowing that you just want to hold me and let me stare at the wall, cry if I feel like it, or let me just ramble on for five minutes straight; that’s comforting. Knowing you want to go through this with me, that’s helpful. I know it all sounds stupid. I know that I sound kind of stupid and a little repetitive. But this is me. You might have to accept it. You might now. But this is me. This is who I am. I’m fighting day in and day out to fix myself. Working up the courage to speak to you and talk to you about what’s going on in my head is scary and it take a tremendous amount of trust.

Can’t Go Far But You Can Always Dream

What do you do when someone who means the world you you tells you they can’t help you unless you want to help yourself? Does that sound discouraging to anyone else besides me? I’m hoping it’s not just me. It kinda made me wanna go cry in the corner.

How do you lose motivation? It’s not very difficult when you don’t really have any at all. Have you ever felt like you might just be slightly depressed? I have for a little while today and after talking to my counselor today, I learned that it’s pretty much normal for me to feel depressed. How could I expect myself to actually be in the correct state of mind? Let’s take a look at everything I’m trying to juggle at once. I’ve got first and foremost, school. I take 15 hours and observe in the classroom, that’s a pretty busy schedule. I’m trying to get the best grades I possibly can, which means studying, giving 110% and going the extra mile. Then there’s babysitting two young, impressionable girls. There’s a real exciting adventure. Literally. Then let’s throw in trying to tackle Ed and all the anxiety, obstacles, and pressure that goes along with that. That may not sound like all that much, but it’s a lot to take on for a 19, almost 20 year old. Breath.

I feel sad often. There’s really no reason. If you take a step back and look at it, I’d say I have pretty good life- aside from the ED fiasco. Nevertheless, depression doesn’t depend on or take into account what kind of life you live, depression is a state of mind.

Depression is a dark, dark place. It starts out slow, like you feel sad because your pet died. Then, it slowly creeps along, adding itself more and more into your daily life. Allowing itself to creep into your happiest moments, whisk away the smile and replace it with a more painted on and less genuine half-hearted one.  It moves itself into your dreams, into your happiest memories until suddenly, it’s somehow painted all your skies gray. You wake up, glance around and all your left with is dark walls, cold rooms that no amount of blankets can cure. When did all of this happen to you? When did you stop having a real laugh and  a fake smile? Suddenly all of this pressure is thrust upon you and you find yourself trying to justify your feelings to others, even yourself. Depression is starting at the blank white wall in your apartment room waiting for something to happen. Waiting to feel something new. It’s waking up every morning to the sound of your alarm clock, rolling over and thinking ‘Am I suppose to feel happy today?’ I think a lot of the time that I’m just making this up. However, this is a real fear for me. What if I feel like this forever? What if I’m destined to try and explain my blue feelings to others forever.

This is a journey that you don’t just fall into over night. It slowly eats away at you and one day, steals your soul. But there is a ray of hope. You don’t have to live in this darkness forever. The sun will eventually shine again, as long as you keep trying. Keeping your head up is only the beginning of the never ending battle. You need support. Support from others for those days where you just think that you can’t possibly take anymore and then you need support from yourself. The support from yourself is for those days where everyone thinks you’re getting better, but only you truly know that you’re only 5% of the way there. Not only are you the most important person in this journey, but you’re really the only person you can truly count on 100% of the time.

I’m Not Crazy, I’m Just a Little Unwell

I feel like I’m in a large dark hole right now. I pretty much feel miserable. Why, do you ask?I have no idea. I have no answer to your question. I just feel…really awful. Maybe I’m sad. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe I’m just upset because I have a bunch of school work. Maybe it’s just that point in the semester. Actually though, it’s probably because I ate a salad for dinner when I much rather would’ve had a hamburger (with cheese), Schlotzskys, Chick-Fil-A, some cheese pizza, or for crying out loud some freaking french fries. Why don’t I eat those? Well, my answer is simple, because I can’t. Stupid answer and reasoning, I know. There’s no need to tell me that. I know I sound utterly ridiculous. Telling me to just eat would just be you wasting your breath and barking up the wrong tree. Why can’t I just eat those things? Because I immediately feel bad! I feel bad for even considering them. I just have this horrible crippling fear of being fat. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel sad? Is there something I can do to make myself feel better or am I just destined to be like this forever? Do I just get to feel the need to work out constantly and like that’s the only way to fix anything for the rest of my life? Do I get to feel like curling up in a ball and crying forever? Do I get to feel like I’m only of value and my worth is determined by what I look like? Maybe, at the end of the day, I just want to hear these words of encouragement from one person. Just one person. I just want to hear him say he believes in me and that even though I’m scared to death of everything I’m feeling and experiencing right now he still believes in me. I just want to be open about it. I want to feel like I’m not hurting anyone with it when I feel this way. I think I just want to cry.

That was a really giant jumbled rambling mess. Basically, the point of this internal questioning is what’s going on with me and why do I feel like this? I didn’t ask to feel this way and I’m trying everything I can to somehow change that. I just feel like I’m a little girl and this shouldn’t be happening to me.

When the Right One Comes Along

“There’s no music, no confetti, crowds don’t cheer and bells don’t ring, but you’ll know it, I can guarantee, when the right one comes along.”

I used to be sure about the saying “when you find the one, you just know.” I was just never quite sure if this was true or one of those love at first sight type things. (I don’t think I really believe that.) I think that finding “the one” so to speak is something you only understand once you experience it. You can’t comprehend that situation until you are actually in the middle of he process. I think that once you find the right person you suddenly realize what was wrong with all  the previous relationships or what should have been different. You realize that it’s like the missing piece to your puzzle that you’ve suddenly found. And that’s how I feel.

When I’m with the right person, I’m suddenly not worrying about what type of food I eat, or how much of it I ate, what was in it, or if the other person across the table from me is silently judging me for what I just ordered or consumed. For some strange reason that’s completely unreal to me, I forgot for just a little while that I have this ridiculous disorder. For 5 minutes, 5 hours, or even 48 hours, I can forget that food isn’t the sole thought that consumes my mind. I can forget that food doesn’t control me. I can forget that I am more than the food I eat. I remember that there are more things to be than beautiful.

 

I’ve come to believe this a lot these past few days (or really these past 48 hours.) I truly believe that we belong together. If someone can magically make me feel better without doing anything special at all except being with me, I think we belong together. At least, I sure hope we belong together. I can’t explain how good that feels to me. I can’t explain how grateful how I! I can’t even explain that to him! I wish I could, but try as I might, it seems near impossible. I don’t love him because he makes makes me feel better about eating, it’s because I love him that he makes me feel better. Not everyone is lucky enough to find that one person. I’m really thankful that I have 🙂

You always have to remember this. No matter who you are with, and no matter how much you care for each other, if they make you feel bad, bring you down, or “dull your sparkle” they really can’t be the right person for you. As sad as that sounds, you have to do what’ best for you.

 

Invisible

Have you ever had a day where you just feel like a failure? Then two days later you feel like, “you’re worth more than gold,” ?? I myself have those days quite often. I’ve recently had some days where I’m having a good and bad day at the exact. same. time. WHAT?! Is that even fully possible? Apparently so.

I found this quote by one of my favorite people, Taylor Swift. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t compare yourself to others? Don’t compare yourself to others. Took me a few times reading that to fully comprehend the meaning of her quotation. There is nobody better than me. Nobody is better at being me, then well, me. And yes, I think Taylor Swift is absolutely, drop dead gorgeous (see evidence under here), but she’s not a prettier person that I am; she just has different qualities to offer the world. Just like ALL of us have different, great qualities to offer the world that make us great. You can’t ever put yourself down just because you don’t look like this certain girl, or you’re not as funny as someone else, or as smart as someone else doesn’t mean you are less of a person, it just means you have different qualities.

 

Which brings me to another point…You’re Not Invisible.

This song holds a special place in my heart, because let’s face it, sometimes I just feel invisible and like I’m always going to have this pain in my heart. This song gives me hope for recovery, hope for the future, hope for tomorrow, and hope that one day the pain will subside.

“There’s so much more to life
Than what you’re feeling now
Someday you’ll look back on all these days
And all these pain is gonna be…
Invisible“

Hunter Hayes paints this beautiful picture of hope and tells us to keep trying, keep struggling and keep pushing forward. One day it’s all going to be worth it. One day I’ll be free from this struggle. And one day, all of the pain just might seem invisible.