Stay True and Act the Part

**I feel like I’ve used this before….but when I searched it, I didn’t find anything, so I’m using the song now!**

Ghosts Mayday Parade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D4zpATVXQQ

Demons Mayday Parade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKGA0hNnl9o

Seriously, I’ve asked Ed to leave just about a millionnnnn times. Does he? Nope! It’s been a very very very very long time since I’ve listened to Mayday Parade. But the other day while I was driving the radio was just awful and so I looked over and found one of their CDs. I just put it in, started listening and remembered how I used to run up and down the Concho River to this song and how I used to think about how much it reminded me of my Ed!

“Now this is getting old”

It really is getting old, and of course, metaphorically, the “ghost” is none other than the evil Ed himself. He just doesn’t leave me alone! He haunts my dreams, nightmares, and pretty much every day thoughts. There is no sacred time, thing or memory that he won’t just creep up on or into.

“Now this ghost in my bedroom it gives me advice…when you reach that golden cloud, I’ll be there with you.”

Funny thing is, there will never be a golden cloud. There will never be an end point or a perfect body! NEVER. It’s not an attainable thing. Once I reach  the point I thought was where I wanted to be, suddenly there is a new goal to pursue, a new weight, or something! You suddenly realize that your “good enough” isn’t “good enough” for someone else (Even Robots Need Blankets). There is no finish line and definitely no pleasing Ed.

“I made a brand of my own poison that I gave to you, it was the first of my experiments I’m going to put you through, now it’ll only make you dizzy, sick, and paralyzed.”

That’s seriously the way I hear Ed in my head. He made this poison for me and I apparently willingly consumed it. It’s like I’m a living science experiment that’s never going to end. Often times, it does make me feel sick and not literally paralyzed, but paralyzed in a sense that I couldn’t move or stop doing what I’m currently doing even if I actually really wanted to. He’s a monster in my closet that no amount of nightlights or parents checking under the bed will fix! I’m not even surprised he’s in the closet anymore. (Although, I do wish he looked a little more like Sully from Monster’s INC.)

I’m gonna try to live without my demons….and even if I can’t I’m gonna stay true and act the part (Better known as fake it til you make it.)

I’m working on it though. I think I am anyways. I’m working on cleansing my closet of all the awful monsters that live there. I’m working on cleansing my head, my thoughts and my life from all the poison Ed has pumped into over the course of my entire life. It’s a process and it’s going to take more than the 2 years that I’ve been trying. Every day is a new day, a new chance and an opportunity for a little more happiness to creep into my life 🙂 Sometimes, when I feel like I’m at the end of rope…..I just picture someone holding onto me. I picture the people that mean the most to me and that’s how I know I have to keep going. That’s how I know that all of the fear I’ve been feeling lately, because I’m absolutely terrified lately, that’s how I know it’s going to be okay no matter what. The fact that I know there are people that deeply care about me makes me believe that it’s okay to try to get better.

2 Years Ago….and Still on the Journey

2 years ago today I went to my first counseling/therapy session. It was a really difficult decision to tell myself and actually admit that I needed help. I still need help. So much of it. I’m so scared and I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t realize it until today, actually. I’ve felt super sad all day and it’s because all this week I’ve been desperately trying to fit my “restricted list” foods into my student teacher diet/upcoming wedding dress diet. I’m trying so very hard to handle everything that I feel has come so quickly at me. I feel the pressure and the stress coming and when I begin to feel that, I restrict more and I workout more to just try and alleviate some of the anxiety I am beginning to feel. When I realized why I felt so incredibly down and sad today I hadn’t realized that it was a feeling I had suppressed for quite a while. It’s back…..with a vengeance.

That’s a bunch of rambling, but for the most part, I think that this is a journey that I’m going to be on for the rest of my life. I struggle through both sides of the spectrum as well. I struggle with actually wanting help and wanting to get better and then wanting to punch anyone who wants to help me at all. It’s a strange tightrope I walk. It’s a journey to face your fears. It’s a journey to get up every day and tell yourself that you are going to love yourself today and not totally completely loathe your body. All of this combine is a journey and all of this…is well, fearless.

Lost&Insecure

PLEASE DON’T ASK ME TO GO OUT TO EAT WITH YOU…… Sorry for the all capital letters but I just HAD to get that out there. Whew! Now deep breath. Monday and Tuesday signify a start to a new school year. This semester is different than all the rest. It’s uncharted territory for me. It’s MY LAST ONE! Since I start student teaching on Wednesday, Monday and Tuesday are ‘work days’ for us up at the university. During both these work days we get to leave for lunch and that means that there will be girls that want to go out to eat for lunch and then will probably invite me.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of others or that I’m a total people hater (insert laugh here) it’s just that I literally cannot handle it. I can’t do it. I can’t make myself do it. I’m especially on edge lately. I was just explaining to Marty last night that I literally live my life day to day trying to figure out a way to eat the least amount of calories as possible. I’m crazy…I know. You don’t have to say it. But don’t feel bad for me either. IS “this” a choice I’m making on purpose? I don’t know honestly. Some people might say it was. I’m unsure.

It’s just that I can’t make spur of the moment decisions that involve food. I’m obsessed (actually, I’m not going to call it obsessed, because that’s not it.) I just NEED to know what the food is I’m eating. I need to be able to trust that it’s within the realms of what I deem ‘healthy’. Sometimes, even if I know that the food I will consume is healthy, I still can’t go eat at that restaurant because the calories are still too high in my mind. I know that’s not normal.

I know that wanting to eat yogurt for literally every meal IS NOT GOOD. I can’t help it. Even drinking this Quest protein shake mix I have is difficult sometimes because I have such a routine. I had a freak out the other night as I was lying in my bed. I’m trying to fall asleep and my brain says “No, let’s think!!!!!” I was thinking about how I’m about to be in a school all day long and I’ll come home to work out like usual (no big deal). Then, I realized that in 56 days, I will have to begin a new routine. I’ll still go to a classroom all day, but then I’ll go home to a new house which doesn’t have an elliptical. CHANGE. So, then I was thinking about how I would need to run before I came home from school/work (not a big deal…yet). I figured I could run at the track, but what about Thursday/Friday home football??? The courthouse would do, I guess. But what if it’s too cold? What if it’s too hot? WHAT IF?! Suddenly, I couldn’t handle being in my own brain.  Suddenly, everything was thrown out of control and I couldn’t get a handle on it. Thank goodness I fell asleep so I didn’t end up in tears that night.

I’ve just had many bad, bad, bad days in a row and the pressure and stress of school is already starting. This certainly does not aid my anxiety. I was just thinking about the other day, how I used to throw my food up from time to time, especially my first 2 semesters at UTSA and my first semester at ASU and how now I do that much, much less. I have made a baby step.

SIDE NOTE: I’ve been thinking about confidence lately. I’ve seen many pins about it lately on Pinterest and I’ve been thinking about how I need to have that in the classroom as a teacher. But, just because you merely don’t have confidence in your brain or body does not mean that you have some sort of a disorder or are damaged. Everyone has doubts about themselves at times, you aren’t totally going to be pleased with your body 100% of the time! Everyone has some sort of insecurity. Everyone feels like they aren’t good enough from time to time. What I’m saying is…..don’t label yourself “damaged” or “disordered” just because you lack confidence sometimes. We are ALL great 🙂

SIDE NOTE AGAIN: I read somewhere the other day that eating disorders were genetic. I didn’t research it further, but what if I give one to my child?!

Like Razor Blade Pain

So, this is what I get, y’all. This is what I get for trying to be healthy and trying to get better. I get bruises that cover my entire knee on both my legs, cuts on my wrists, this bruise/scrape all down my right arm and then finally, a huge scrape/gash on my right knee. Needless to say, I’m unfortunately pretty dang clumsy. I mean, seriously, one second I was running along minding my own business, and the next second I was on the ground!! (I was running in a very public place by the way, so I’m sure somebody got a good laugh out of my fall.) This is like a major flashback from the summer of 2013.

Normal people might consider this a bit of a blessing. It would give them a chance to recover, get back to normal with health, and just take an overall breather from their hectic/rigorous/time consuming workout. Wellllll, if only I could relate to that or say it was me. I didn’t fully finish my run today because I fell, and that’s been driving me absolutely nuts all day, not to mention I have to figure out a way to actually do workouts now. Because I’m totally positive actual running is completely out of the question seeing as how it’s kinda hard to walk. So now, I’m faced with another challenge to add to my plate. With my eating disorder, I’ve made working out a part of my daily routine. I have to do it and I usually don’t have a choice. Truthfully, I’m obsessed. Not on purpose though, don’t get confused there. Now I have to figure out some way to do it. I think I might go crazy if I can’t. I don’t see how bending my knee is going to be easy, but I’m so crazy….that I’m gonna try to find some way to do it. I feel like if I don’t, that leads to even more restricted eating, even more fear, and that ultimately leads to even more deteriorated mental health. I can’t do that! I can’t live like that! It’s not living. I’m already kind of maxed out on stress in that department. With the stress I’ve already created for myself in that department over the years, the extra stress from my upcoming nuptials, and anxiety from the student teaching adventure I’m about to embark on, I really don’t need this added on to it.

That being said…I found this the other day——->

I feel like all the time that people don’t take me seriously or they don’t think I’m “sick” because I’m not skin and bones and I actually make myself eat some food (even though it may not be sufficient.) The truth is though….I am sick. Sometimes I think maybe sicker in some ways than I was before. Sometimes I think it’s worse than it was in 2013 or when I first went to therapy. I’m just not totally positive.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody hears me.

But what are they even going to do anymore? I don’t really want to hear anyone say to me “just eat” or “it’s going to be okay”. I think maybe, I want them to feel it?

On a lighter note, just FYI, being clumsy and running don’t mix (haha) AND I’ll be doing my student teaching in 1st Grade 🙂

The Restricted List

I came to the realization last night that I probably haven’t eaten “real/solid” food since last Saturday. It’s been 5 days. That’s probably a really really terrible thing. Then, I realized why I hadn’t really eaten anything that wasn’t yogurt, a banana, an apple, pretzels, quest bars, or some kind of peanut butter…I’ve been afraid to. I’m afraid of eating a food that’s on the ‘restricted list’ because I’m afraid of the repercussions. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve actually seen it change something on me, I’m make believing something will happen or I’m just plain imagining each calorie going someplace on my body. I literally can’t tell you.

I’ve been wanting to eat all sorts of things on the off limits list over the past few hours; you know, like donuts, some pizza, and really some macaroni and cheese!!! I just haven’t. I can’t bring myself to do it. I see other people doing it, and they seem fine. They even look fine. And I swear if someone tells me after reading this that I CAN eat all of those foods, I might punch them ( think it through. I don’t mean it rudely.) I just mean that you saying that to me, might anger me a little. I’m fully aware that I CAN eat those foods, it’s choosing to that’s difficult and then following through. I’m working on it, well, more like up to it.

When you become so afraid to eat food that’s on the ‘Restricted List’ are you really in a good place? I’m just so so very terrified. I live my life in fear. I found myself completely overcome and consumed last Saturday with the fact that nothing I ate was even close to being on the safe food list. I had cake, and well some other foods that I’m not sure the name of but they tasted good. In the moment and in the following couple of hours surrounded by people I was completely fine with it. Then came 6:00 P.M. when it was time for dinner and I literally found myself shaking, trying not to just completely fall apart and cry and trying not to snap at people because they really don’t deserve it. I realized then, but more now really that I should probably ease some off the beaten path foods into my everyday diet.

Which leads me to lunch today….I’m making my own pizza at home. I’m gonna do it and I’m going to enjoy it. It’s going to be okay.

Also, I read this today, which seemed to help a little.

https://www.yahoo.com/style/getting-engaged-meant-facing-my-anorexia-again-124689801623.html