It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
It’s also one of the scariest times of the year if you have a “lovely” eating disorder. Yipee…..I’ve been having a rough past couple of weeks. It just seems that no matter how much I eat healthy and workout, I can’t shake these bad feeling I’m constantly feeling. They are overwhelming and all consuming. I try to combat them by watching tons of Christmas movies (especially ones for kids 😉 ) and sometimes it seems to help for a little while. However, most of the time though, I’m left worrying about how to get rid of the food I ate or dreading and wondering if I’ll gain weight from holiday activities. It’s Christmastime. Shouldn’t I be trying to guess what someone got me for Christmas, shaking presents under trees, worrying about what I’ll wear to Christmas gatherings and commemorating first Christmas with my husband? Trick question, I’m actually doing all of these along with worrying about my Ed. I am doing all of those things while continuously allowing the Ed thoughts to swirl around in my head.
I know you’re probably thinking that I can help it, but I can’t. Recovery is a hard journey as it is, then tack on the fact that this is just a difficult time of year. You are constantly bombarded with images of dinners and festive Christmas treats while also being the main target of weight loss ads and New Year’s resolutions. I’m walking a fine line between trying to get better and not slip back into old habits as it is, I don’t need that added pressure. Whether I like it or not though, it’s going to be there and I’m going to have to deal with it. All I can’t think about though is how freaking painful eating food is. No matter what I eat it just hurts me. Eating is pain. Don’t ask me why.
With today being Christmas Eve however, I’m trying to think about the joy that I should be feeling tomorrow. This year, I have dessert duty for Christmas dinner so I’ll be baking a sugar cookie Bundt cake, doing some last minute tidying up and getting ready to go to the candlelight service at church to celebrate the whole reason for this time of year: the birthday boy Jesus J So while I’m singing Silent Night at church tomorrow I’ll actually be praying for a silent night of my own where everything is calm and bright.
It’s super easy to get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season, which I find happening to me. But there are times like tonight and tomorrow where I’m trying my hardest of focus on the hymns we sing and the thoughts I’m actively thinking and trying to direct them towards the baby in the manager. And even though I’m no longer a child, I can’t help but think about Santa Claus and all the children leaving him milk and cookies tomorrow night (unless you’re from my house as a kid where we left him Dr. Pepper and vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting because we made cupcakes for Jesus.) It’s just so magical! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I think about it. I so wish that I could be a child again and just go back and live Christmas all over. As a child I wasn’t worried about what I looked like, I was just so excited for Santa, to see my family and celebrate Jesus that the worry about what I looked like in my outfits was totally foreign. What a beautiful time of year this is.