Christmas Time Is Here

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Ah, Andy Williams (he’s apparently the first one to sing it.) Anyways, Christmas time 🙂

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source: http://www.prettydesigns.com/35-christmas-quotes-you-will-love/

I haven’t written in a very, very, very long time. Mainly because I have so much to do these days and I have all these adult responsibilities now. I feel so old…ha. Even when I do get a spare moment, I like to just sit, or clean something, watch TV, of trying to frantically finish this cross stitch chart I’m doing. Tonight though, I attended the Christmas pageant at my church. This is where all the kiddos in the church get up and act out/sing about the birth of Jesus. It’s the sweetest thing! I was sitting there listening to them and watching them and laughing at/enjoying all their little quirks which got me thinking about the students in my classroom that I’m with every single day. I was sitting there trying to soak it all it and I realized that…..this is what life is about. Life is about singing, rejoicing, talking, laughing, playing, and wondering. It’s not supposed to be difficult. You aren’t supposed to spend every minute trying to control and fix every little thing. It’s about freedom and enjoying yourself and life. I was sitting in a pew with all these thoughts swirling around and coming to me and filling my heart. Maybe it’s just the Christmas spirit coming into my heart and filling it to the brim. I’m choosing to think something else though. Maybe this is God stepping into my heart and filling it even more. I found myself listening to the lyrics of Joy To The World and thinking about how much joy I was feeling and how thankful I am about how far I have come since August.

Halloween

It’s been a long and rough 4ish months. I’m a new, first year teacher and things were TOUGH at the beginning. I found myself in tears so often and thinking I would never get the hang of anything and like I was going to have to find a different career path because this was NOT working. But I stuck it out, I dragged myself through it every day. It was hard. It was so freaking hard. But about a week ago when my students were writing letters to Santa (and telling me seamlessly unending stories about their Elf on a Shelf), I found myself reflecting on how we are almost to the end of the semester and how far I have come and how far the students in my room have come. This isn’t so bad anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like the cliffhanger at the end of a TV show each week. “Tune in next week to find out what happens on Mrs. Powell’s Corral. Will she get all her grading done? Will she be prepped and ready for next week? Will all the parents remember to pick up their children?” It’s been an interesting ride and quite the learning process so far and I can only imagine what the second semester will bring.

 

I’ve come quite far in a number of aspects in life.

(Fall Festival Day. Can you see my holiday leggings?! Yes, I did find quite a few Christmas pairs!)

That’s not to say that Ed hasn’t been here with me the last 4 months. Boy, has he. He’s there every day. But most days he has shut up a little more. He shows up every day at lunch to tell me that what I’m doing is dumb, but I’ve just gotta drown him out really. He’s there most afternoons telling me to go run my little heart out (Christmas videos and shows have been helpful entertainment lately). He’s still present. But I think he may be quieter. It’s been so hard to wrap my mind around how my body looks now. So hard. I don’t even know an expression that is great enough to explain how I feel. I’m trying to focus on the positive aspects of it and learn to accept myself.

Instead of trying to focus on the negative things I’m trying to hard to focus on the good: what’s positive, what brings me joy, what brings others joy, what makes me feel good. Like I said, maybe it’s all the Christmas décor in my house, the Christmas movies on TV, the thought of a break from school and all the Christmas crafts I’d like to do, but I’m trying to think of it as more of a healing process.

There is probably so much more I could say but I’m trying to frantically get these words out on the page before I completely lose what I have been thinking about for the past few hours. I hope you are well and are having a wonderful Christmas or Holiday Season 🙂

We start reading The Polar Express tomorrow!

 

Rest Day and Restoration

It was an Easter-filled weekend!! On Saturday, Marty and I celebrated with his side of the family by having lunch at his grandmother’s along with his cousins. I used Easter as a good excuse to get a new couple new dresses. It doesn’t help that Easter is at an awkward time of the year where it’s slightly cold and windy.

On Sunday, we enjoyed the church service with my family and then went out to my parents’ house for an Easter barbecue lunch. It was delicious! It’s been too long since I’ve eaten barbecue. I’ve really missed it.

 

Easter with my side of the family was on Sunday. Gotta take a picture with my two boys (that’s the-not so little-little brother).

You would not believe how unbelievably difficult it is to get my own husband to take a picture!! However, this is a pretty accurate look at the two of us.

Oh! Also, I sort of cut my hair. It’s much shorter than it was before. It’s kind of freaking me out because I’m not used to it yet but I really like it! Putting it up in a pony tail is so odd!

This whole week I’ve been struggling with the anxiety of not working out one day this week. Well, long rambling cut short, I didn’t run yesterday and I’m still living enough to type this out and I didn’t seem to gain an obnoxious amount of weight merely overnight. So, instead of going and running and spending my time in the not so warm weather yesterday I got to work on this old chest that Marty took out of storage.

It just needed a little love and a whole lot of lemon oil. I don’t have an after picture, but I swear it looks much nicer now!!

But it was a learning experience. I learned that I don’t always have to working out. I’m trying really hard to learn about taking rest days. Was it hard? Hell yes. Am I still freaking out over and is it still kind of bugging me this afternoon? Yes, it is. But the point is that I didn’t do it, and I used the time that I had to do something other than torture myself. Plus, it was kind of fun cleaning up this old piece of furniture and doing a mini restoration. It was kind of like looking at my own life. I am that old, dirty, slightly beat up chest there in that picture, but if I take rest days and try to take care of myself then I can hopefully feel like the restored version of the chest 🙂

Easter Love

Image: http://www.nopatternrequired.com/2009/04/my-vintage-easter-decorations-cards-towels-and-tins/

Happy early Easter!!!!!

Since this Sunday is Easter Sunday, I think I’m going to try to theme this post out to be more Easter oriented. We’ll see how this goes.

Fun/Humor:

18 First Day Of Spring Memes So That You Can Start The Season Off With A Laugh– Chelsey Grasso via Bustle

Health/Body Positive:

A Numbers Game: Why Your Weight Shouldn’t Matter– credit, Andi Hatch and Rachel Waymire via The Everygirl

Hating Yourself Doesn’t Make You Thin, Just Like Loving Yourself Doesn’t Make You Fat– by Kylie via yeah…Imma Eat That

This was just beautiful. I totally agree with her on the woman in the yoga class. You are carrying a tiny human for Pete’s sake!!! 

We Are Being Lied To About Weight Loss– by Jessica Bailes via Jessica Bailes: Nutritionist and Dietitian

Image: http://weheartit.com/entry/8142885?group=A&imgres=

Easter!!!!!! I really like infographics….

The Origins of Easter Traditions– via Above&Beyond a blog from Bed Bath & Beyond

25 Things You Didn’t Know About Your Easter Candy– by Ole & Shaina Olmanson via Babble

Easter Fun Facts!– by PartySugar via PopSugar

I know this post is kind of dated…but still.

 

 

Easter Bunny Thoughts

Image: http://vividscreen.info/pic/cute-white-bunny-painting/20150/for-1920×1200

Does Easter make anyone else feel..well, weird? Sad-like? No? Just me? I thought so. I don’t know why but Easter has always given me this gloomy feeling, even when I was a child. I know that even if you aren’t religious like I am that it shouldn’t be a holiday that makes you feel “sad”. If you are religious, then it’s a day you should celebrate Christ rising from the grave and saving you from enduring a life of pain and suffering. Which is just even think about if you step back and let that soak in. If you aren’t, it’s still a happy day, you think about this adorable white bunny (the Easter bunny I picture in my head is white. Yours might be brown or spotted or something. Lol) that comes and brings you eggs and best of all…..CHOCOLATE!!

Image: https://sqonline.ucsd.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/chocolate-easter-bunny.jpg

I don’t know, maybe I’m just a weirdo. I was thinking about all of this last night while I was helping out with the children at church last night while the entire story of Easter was being read to them. As I was driving home it was still daylight and the sun was setting. It seems like I’m never going to get used to this whole spring forward nonsense, but yesterday it was a blessing because I got to see this:

The sun was setting and the clouds were just right to create the ray of light streaming. It was beautiful. The fact that I had just listened to the Easter story and was thinking about the whole concept of Easter made me feel like God was really speaking to my heart through the sunset. It was actually very comforting.

Also yesterday I did some fun shopping 🙂 I’m very proud of my Hobby Lobby purchase for the kitchen. We have a whole bunch of empty space above our cabinets and on one side I put these old Peanuts glasses that my mom had but the other side was awkwardly empty. I’d been wanting something that sort of represented us but still fit with the theme of our kitchen. I was really sad because these super cute old timey food/diner type things just wouldn’t work —> Seriously, how cute is that burger boy?!?!?!

But it turns out I was even more successful!!! I found this sheep!! Considering my husband works most of the time with sheep and sheep seem to always be in my front yard, this was just perfect. I just felt like I couldn’t have picked anything better.

With Easter coming up I’m having some anxiety over Easter dinners and not working out. I’m probably over compensating in areas that I shouldn’t be but I can’t really help it right now. I know that I’m almost certain to miss a workout day and that’s just kind of driving me up the wall. I’m trying to be okay with it because I really know that you actually don’t have to workout 7 days a week and that is it perfectly fine to take a rest day!! I just don’t normally do that so I’m freaking out a bit. I’m trying really hard to be at ease with it but for me that is way easier said than done. I know that God will be there with me this Easter holiday weekend though, through all the dinners (I think I have my side of the family convinced to eat Easter pizza) and hopefully a little bit of chocolate that comes my way 😉

Good Grief, Charlie Brown

There’s a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald that resonates with my eating disorder. I hadn’t read it until just the other night.

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

Looking at this now, I can see all of these steps of my eating disorder unfolding. I can see myself ‘taking the drink’ and researching how to more fit, how to lose weight, how to eat healthy and slowly becoming more involved in what I thought was a “healthy lifestyle”. Then, I can see how the ‘drink’ took its own drink when I began to see some positive results and when I felt like I was succeeding in my goals of looking thinner. I was losing myself in the eating disorder and losing the ability to stop the madness and breathe. Finally, I can see took me. I see the hell it did to me and the hell it still does now. It over takes and consumes your entire being and suddenly, ‘the drink’ has convinced you it can’t live without you. What a strange and almost vicious image. Suddenly, working out and trying to be healthy in college was no longer a hobby, it was something that was on its way to controlling my life.

Image: http://www.quotehd.com/quotes/f-scott-fitzgerald-author-quote-first-you-take-a-drink-then-the-drink-takes-a-drink

So about this Bible study……it’s some pretty good/thought provoking stuff. I’m also not real sure if I’m constantly supposed to relate this study with my eating disorder, but I do, so hope that’s all right.

Anyways, Priscilla Shirer’s series is all about boundaries and how they are our “breathing room”. So, I’m constantly evaluating my own boundaries and the ones God has in place for me. I’m constantly looking at how I’m probably going over God’s wishes when I’m pretty much, probably basically ignoring His boundaries with food and working out. Whoops……..

One of the very first things she said during this segment was about how the Israelites didn’t know how to “rest” one day. Nobody had ever told them that they should rest on one day and have that be the Lord’s day, so it freaked them out. Majorly. Israelites had a strict work routine and a set way they had to do things, basically as she went on to explain they worked themselves constantly and worked hard at their jobs. After she said that, it got me thinking (I was still paying attention to her. I didn’t fully go off on a tangent.) It got me thinking that Ed makes me a freakin’ Israelite!!! Constantly working, constantly busy and always trying to keep to a strict schedule and way of life! What?! How is it that God always knows what you need to hear? After all this time I still find that so odd.

Image: http://www.kathyhmcbride.com/#!fulness%20of%20times/zoom/cm8a/dataItem-ig9merj3

Anywho, this week in the study we are supposed to focus on coming to a full stop. We are talking about the Sabbath and how that means we need to take a day of rest. Resting/relaxing is so frowned upon these days that we feel guilty anytime we even think about engaging in it. This week we are focusing on what makes it hard for us to come to a complete stop and relax. Well, for me, it’s almost obviously my e.d. Having an obsession what my food/my workouts/my overall size and appearance makes it hard for my brain to just let me stop those actions. My brain is constantly trying to figure out new ways to keep myself “fit”. I can’t ‘just say no’ to these thoughts and actions! I need a freakin’ drug campaign/slogan to be thrown at me constantly. Good grief, Charlie Brown.

Image: http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/2015/10/02/good-grief-charlie-brown-youre-65.html

But God says resting IS GOOD!!!! He wants us to take time to rest. Our “Sabbath” is supposed to be a day to think about Him and rest WITHOUT feeling guilty, ashamed or worrying about doing the relaxing. I apparently feel like my value is somehow tied up in accumulating approval. The approval of others and me, alike. I feel like my value is determined by what stupid size I wear and like people aren’t going to love me if I’m not a size 2 or 4. Believe me, I know that’s ridiculous but I can’t deny that’s how I feel. In the end, I have to learn to somehow be able to say “ENOUGH is ENOUGH!” and that what I’m doing the other 6 days of the week is sufficient enough to keep me in the right place.

Tonight I’m supposed to go out to dinner with some friends. For normal people, this would be fun, for me, it’s painful. Not because I don’t want to see my friends, I do!! But it’s pure agony because I can’t know the nutrition facts of the restaurant, I already feel bad about food from yesterday and eating out is horrific. Good grief, Charlie Brown. I think that I just have to remember to breathe, take things one step at a time and allow myself some breathing room.

Image: https://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/live-life-quotes-love-life-quotes-live-life-3846115/take-a-shower-wash-off-day-4232919335

A Marshmallow World

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

It’s also one of the scariest times of the year if you have a “lovely” eating disorder. Yipee…..I’ve been having a rough past couple of weeks. It just seems that no matter how much I eat healthy and workout, I can’t shake these bad feeling I’m constantly feeling. They are overwhelming and all consuming. I try to combat them by watching tons of Christmas movies (especially ones for kids 😉 ) and sometimes it seems to help for a little while. However, most of the time though, I’m left worrying about how to get rid of the food I ate or dreading and wondering if I’ll gain weight from holiday activities. It’s Christmastime. Shouldn’t I be trying to guess what someone got me for Christmas, shaking presents under trees, worrying about what I’ll wear to Christmas gatherings and commemorating first Christmas with my husband? Trick question, I’m actually doing all of these along with worrying about my Ed. I am doing all of those things while continuously allowing the Ed thoughts to swirl around in my head.

I know you’re probably thinking that I can help it, but I can’t.  Recovery is a hard journey as it is, then tack on the fact that this is just a difficult time of year. You are constantly bombarded with images of dinners and festive Christmas treats while also being the main target of weight loss ads and New Year’s resolutions. I’m walking a fine line between trying to get better and not slip back into old habits as it is, I don’t need that added pressure. Whether I like it or not though, it’s going to be there and I’m going to have to deal with it. All I can’t think about though is how freaking painful eating food is. No matter what I eat it just hurts me. Eating is pain. Don’t ask me why.

With today being Christmas Eve however, I’m trying to think about the joy that I should be feeling tomorrow. This year, I have dessert duty for Christmas dinner so I’ll be baking a sugar cookie Bundt cake, doing some last minute tidying up and getting ready to go to the candlelight service at church to celebrate the whole reason for this time of year: the birthday boy Jesus J So while I’m singing Silent Night at church tomorrow I’ll actually be praying for a silent night of my own where everything is calm and bright.

It’s super easy to get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season, which I find happening to me. But there are times like tonight and tomorrow where I’m trying my hardest of focus on the hymns we sing and the thoughts I’m actively thinking and trying to direct them towards the baby in the manager. And even though I’m no longer a child, I can’t help but think about Santa Claus and all the children leaving him milk and cookies tomorrow night (unless you’re from my house as a kid where we left him Dr. Pepper and vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting because we made cupcakes for Jesus.) It’s just so magical! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I think about it. I so wish that I could be a child again and just go back and live Christmas all over. As a child I wasn’t worried about what I looked like, I was just so excited for Santa, to see my family and celebrate Jesus that the worry about what I looked like in my outfits was totally foreign.  What a beautiful time of year this is.

Life’s Anticipation

Today is the final day of student teaching (clinical teacher…whatever). IT’S MY LAST DAY!!! When did this happen?! Am I even old enough to be in college, let alone a teacher!? They are actually going to let me mold impressionable young minds!? Sometimes, I think the state of Texas is crazy. With yesterday being the conclusion of a UIL meet, today being the end of the semester and graduation rapidly approaching, there are all sorts of emotions in the air. Excitement of actually being almost certified, fear of graduation and the future, paired along with excitement of the future because there are so many more beautiful memories, experiences and adventures to come! And of course, I cannot forget the excitement of being able to watch an unlimited amount of Christmas movies/shows because of this new things I’m about to have since finishing school….time!

I’ve come so far since the beginning of the semester. I started out this timid, young, zero experience student teacher who felt like she had no idea how to even step inside a classroom (ALSO: I was Miss McCollum). Now, at the end of this journey I feel like I can walk into the classroom (still nervously) and for the most part have a grasp at what I am supposed to accomplish (and this time, I’ll never be ‘miss’ again, I’ll be Mrs. Powell). Being a “Mrs.” is funny in itself. It’s a strange concept to think about how you permanently are going to live with someone but I can also say that it is literally the best decision you can ever make. It’s amazing to always have someone there with you to talk to, to laugh with, to watch the same TV shows over and over and over, to make them watch Christmas movies with you ;), and finally (this may be the most important) to never judge you for not wanting to make dinner. Maybe it’s just that I’m a newlywed or the spirit of the holidays getting to me, but I’ve just recently realized that there is just so much to be thankful for, appreciate, step back and just be in complete awe of in live. You have to love it. You have to enjoy it while you get the chance. I’m writing this and just thinking about how amazing God is and how thankful I am that he has given me a wonderful family and wonderful close friends that I get to experience life with! He’s allowed me to accomplish my goal of finishing college and it’s been a pretty good ride. He’s allowed me to finally start thinking and working towards recovery, which is a whole new mountain for me to climb, but He is with me!

It’s been a LONG semester filled with joy, anticipation, tiredness and of course, what would college be without STRESS? But I’ve made it through! I can say that I am a graduate, which apparently is a big deal. I get to say that I worked for 3 ½ years to accomplish this goal and I finally get to cross that finish line! Finally, I think what has been one of the best lessons I’ve learned over the course of this semester didn’t come from a school or a book, it’s come from God. I’ve heard it said countless times that “God has a plan for your life” and I took that, understood, and believed. It wasn’t until very recently though that I truly, truly started to believe that and started to watch things unfold the way they are supposed to and NOT how I imagined them. Which is frustrating and I feel like my life is one giant waiting game. But how boring would that be if everything actually went according to how we planned!? There would be no anticipation or excitement in life!! Look forward to the things you have to play the waiting game for in life, sometimes the waiting could be the best part.

(SIDENOTES: I made that one face a lot during the semester.)

Chocolate Pie Attempts and Grateful Hearts

Thanksgiving. A day devoted to being thankful for everything that God has given you. Sometimes I forget to be thankful and then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere something small reminds me and I realize just how incredibly blessed I am.

For example, a few weeks ago, it was talking to the students in my classroom. There were talking about lunch and this one boy was saying that he wasn’t going to eat just to see how long he could go without food. I explained that he had to eat in order to live. Then, the entire class tried to correct me and say that another one of the students never eats lunch and that’s how she is so thin. This broke my heart in half!!!! I then explained again that she must eat a little bit or she must be eating at another point in time. It was right then and there that I remembered how thankful I was that my eating disorder hadn’t…well, killed me…and I had the opportunity to try and help those students. I was thankful to be in that room of young minds and get to interact with them and help them learn; even though in that moment I was clearly learning something from them.

The other day, it was just some random song that came on the radio that reminded me how much I enjoyed the life that God has given me! And today, it was getting the notice that I passed my final teacher certification test that I took on Monday!!!!!!! (And also getting wedding pictures. I would post some, but apparently my internet just straight up sucks!) I was so nervous and worried over it, but it was God’s will that I pass that dang test. He was with me the whole time I took it which enabled me to excel at it.

Sometimes, it’s simple things in life that remind you of everything that you have. It makes you just take a moment and soak it all in. Life is wonderful, y’all and I am so blessed with everything and by EVERYONE that is in mine!!!

Now, I’m not really a fan of the whole Thanksgiving holiday/feast thing. Like at all. Me and food, well we go way back, but we aren’t really friends. So I still have quite the aversion to the whole ‘let’s eat/make a whole bunch of food’ thing.  Food brings a whole lot of anxiety and fear that I’m currently trying to cope with. However, I am quite a fan of thinking about everything God has supplied you with and being thankful, spending time with family (even if you get to see them often), spending time with friends, traditions, baking, the love and joy, and anything else you can think of that the holiday entails (….like the start of the Christmas season maybe?)  Today, tomorrow and Friday (I’m also celebrating that day) I’m just really trying to focus on everything in my life that brings joy, happiness and is positive. This holiday does have positive aspects!!! Even if through my eyes it’s mostly all about eating. I’m trying my very hardest to overlook that part and focus on the thankful portion or what I believe is the core of the whole day.

Since I’m already rambling…this year is my first Thanksgiving as a married woman. So, I’m trying out some new recipes as well as making some foods that are new to me, like chocolate pies. I had an attempt at that today (it’s basically the only kind of pie Marty will eat.) I attempted 1…okay 2. The key word there is attempted. Hopefully one of them turns out alright! If not, well I’m sure there will be plenty of turkey left.

Anyway……God has been so good to me, y’all!!!

These Wildest Dreams

The world isn’t black and white. Recovery isn’t black and white either. Not too long ago, I thought it was only in my wildest dreams. It’s not though! Recovery is about forging a new path in the snow. It’s like the coach I met with me said, “Recovery is like taking a sled and going down a snowy hill. You’ve been going down the same path for SO long that the tracks from the sled are carved so deeply in the snow that making a new path seems absolutely terrifying. But that’s recovery. That’s what we have to do!! The first couple of times, it’s bumpy, you may fall off, there are unexpected twists and turns, but eventually you get to the bottom. Then, you climb back up and do it ALL over again. The more we create and form the new path, the easier it gets.”

That’s what I’ve been doing for the past 2 weeks, forming a new path in my head and creating new habits. I’ve been trying to let go of fear and learn more about me. Recovery is about a journey to your true self. The actual person you are, your authentic self. The self without the eating disorder. I have goals, wants and needs outside the eating disorder part of me. That part of me doesn’t call all the shots! The part of me that’s constantly scared, fearful of other’s opinions, anxiety ridden, and that walks around so bogged down from fear that I’m tired and can’t be happy sometimes is NOT my authentic self! I have to learn to listen to myself, to listen to my body and what it wants. Without constantly catering to what the eating disorder part of me wants, I can have more time to focus on other things….like finding an actual hobby. This week alone, I read books I wanted to, cleaned, changed our bed set up, and even baked something (that was a slight fiasco). Nevertheless, I did have some time to focus on other things. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard as hell some days. You know that saying, “fall down three times, stand back up four times”? Or whatever it is. Yeah, that’s what I’m living.

Not every day is easy. Not every day is even fun. Life isn’t happy-go-lucky as soon as you decide to just stop listening to the eating disorder part of you. It’s still there. It’s still real. It still hurts! But, that’s what recovery is about. It’s about saying “hey, eating disorder voice, I hear you, I hear what you’re saying, but I’m not going to deal with/listen to you right now. I’m going to go do….” Eating disorder recovery is about healing and part of that healing is learning about yourself. Which brings me to my next point…it’s about loving, accepting and being proud of yourself.

We live in a world where people preach confidence and then turn right around and criticize you for being confident and proud of yourself. I’m about to tell you that I’m learning to accept myself by saying “I am who I am. If you like me, great and if you don’t like me, that’s great too. But this is me, and I’m going to go on and be myself.’  I’m learning to try to be an actual friend to myself. I’m proud of myself for realizing that I need help. I’m proud of myself for meeting with someone. I’m proud of myself for being about to try and make a new path. I’m proud of myself for almost being through with student teaching (I finished my last evaluation this week.) I’m proud of myself for doing student teaching and somehow managing to get married in the middle! I’m proud of all of the things that my body can somehow manage to, and finally, I’m proud of myself for about to be a college graduate. I’m never actually thought it was okay to be proud of myself, but I had a short conversation with my coach today and she said to write down all of the things I was proud of myself for. She also said it’s great to be proud of yourself! That’s self-acceptance!!!! So, there is it. I’m proud of myself. You should be proud of yourself too.

In the spirit of the season of thankfulness (considering Thanksgiving is less than a week from today), on my way home I realized that I have so many things to be thankful for. I’m actually happy. I’m so incredibly blessed by everything that surrounds me and that has happened to me in the past couple of months. I’m thankful for my family (the new and old), my friends (especially the ones who have been with me through thick and thin…nudge, nudge), KIDS to teach, music, writing, books, GOD and the opportunities that I have been given in this life BY HIM. I find myself full of gratitude and looking at the world in a positive light rather than negative. Life is beautiful.  Stay Fearless, y’all ❤

 

The 5 of Us vs. The Battle

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Sounds easy, right? Well, for me admitting I had a problem was simple. Actually referring to the problem by it’s correct name and wanting help for it, well that’s another story. A story that actually plays out for a number of years. Yesterday, September 11, 2015 was the day that a step was taken. The word was thought, typed and finally spoken. I was ready to admit it. So, here it goes……I, Kairos Brynn McCollum, have Anorexia. (I’ve now starred at this screen for 5 minutes without typing). That’s it y’all. That’s all I’ve got. It took me a while to be even able to think this word. Then….I had to admit to myself that that’s what was actually going on with me. Then, I had to type it out and send it to my Mom…and then Marty. Two of THE most important people in my life, I had to tell me. I had to say the word to them and make it real and not just some figment of my imagination.

Anorexia kills people y’all. It’s really scary. It’s a really terrifying moment when you realize something is eating you alive. Day by day, piece by piece it eats and chips away at you.

Perfectionism kills people y’all. I have this stupid, stupid need to have everything be perfect. But guess what, life isn’t perfect! I know that! But for some reason I still continue to strive for something that is literally impossible. What’s up with that?

Anxiety kills people y’all. My life is one giant anxiety ball. Every little thing can set it off. It’s been my whole life, not on purpose, but it has.  I’m so ritualistic that I can’t have one thing be off during the day. I eat the same foods I need to. I do the exact same thing everyday-wake up, get dressed, eat the same breakfast, go to school, WORKOUT, eat some safe food for dinner, then, if there is time for anything else do it, and finally sleep. Anxiety is scary.

I’ve been to therapy before, my first year at ASU, at that point, I had only admitted that I had an eating disorder. I had an “ED”. I didn’t have…..anorexia. It wasn’t really real until the other day. So, here I am, typing it out, boldly attaching myself to this hideous, ugly, downright vulgar word. Think about it, what an ugly word that is!!!

So, you may be wondering, ‘How did I get to the point where I decided to admit this? What made me come to this sudden realization?’ Well, for student teaching, we have to record ourselves for 2 minutes teaching a lesson. As I watched myself teaching, I saw how truly thin I was…and how that wasn’t healthy. I knew I’d been doing some things differently lately but I didn’t realize they were actually making me thinner. I didn’t realize that I was thinner in the mirror than I was in my head. I think getting married has just escalated things, well the dress I mean. (Not that I think getting married is bad at all. I’m so so excited to marry the love of my life. I can’t wait for it to get here.) I think I’ve just been stressed. So, here I am, saying that I’m gonna have to get help. I’m gonna have to do some things differently. Am I ready to do that before I get married in 34ish days? I’m not sure. Am I going to be ready on October 18th? Yes. Am I ready to feel better? Yes! Am I ready to not hate myself? Definitely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to love myself.

So, how did I get here? How did this happen to me? Sometimes I wonder if I did something to make myself deserve this? Do I deserve to physically and mentally be in pain over eating a peanut butter sandwich or a hamburger? Or heck, even bread? I used to be mad at God, but now, I think I’m just a little upset sometimes with Him but I don’t think I’m angry anymore. I realize that I need to be able to turn to Him for prayer and comfort and that He DIDN’T do this to me.

I used to think it was just me against the world. But after talking, I’ve realized it’s really not. It’s not Kairos v. Eating Disorder v. Anorexia v. the world. It’s Kairos (well, plus God) and Dad, Mom, Keegan and Marty against all those evil things.

I’m really scared, totally terrified and completely petrified. I don’t like change. Even just saying the word right now literally means that nothing is the same. My entire mind and body changes. But for now, step 1 is saying the word. I did that. That’s pretty much all I can give right now. I’ll get to step 2, it’s just going to take a little bit. It took years to get to step 1, but it’s a positive step no matter how much time it took. I’ve never been more scared, but I know that there are at least 4 truly wonderful people who are more than willing to hold my hand through this.