Invincible

***New Music Alert***

“Broken glass inside, won’t cut through me.”

I DO NOT in any way, shape or form feel invincible. Ever. Which makes this title a little confusing, I know. I have never felt like I would win some crazy battle, whether it be with inner self or some other person. Anyways, Cassadee Pope has a new song out in which she talks about herself and feeling invincible. She sings about knowing that you are a strong person and not letting anyone tell you differently! She talks about taking your inner pain and issues and harnessing them and turning them around and creating a positive sense of self and inner strength. What a concept for me! There have been so so so many times over just the past few weeks, (yeah, I know, my life really) where I have completely felt helpless, out of control and like I’m never actually going to win a battle with myself or my evil inner voice, Ed.

But hearing that song this morning, hearing the words “Heart covered in scars, but my fear is gone…” I thought, is my fear actually gone? Is my battle with some major insecurity and Ed a battle I am actually working and willing to win? Well, is it? Do I want to feel invincible? YES. I do. I so do. I just don’t know how.  I just constantly feel like if I eat one wrong food, or miss one workout that everything I’ve been working towards with my body is just gonna go straight to hell. All the efforts, literal hour long workouts, stressing about meals will just all disappear. This is not healthy! It just can’t be! I can’t continue to live in a world where I MUST check out a restaurant’s caloric content on the internet before I can decide I am even slightly able to stomach eating there. When I feel more comfortable eating a Quest bar for dinner than actual food, there’s got to be some kind of issue, right? Last weekend was my bachelorette thing before my wedding. That was an interesting evening for me. I had the girls eat at McAlister’s with me because I knew the menu; I could study it and make an ‘informed’ decision about what food I chose to put in my body. Which for me, is a gigantic comfort compared to eating at a local Mexican restaurant such as Henry’s. That place drives me insane…well possibly because I am. Then, on top of eating at McAlister’s I actually had some tiny bit of alcohol. I never do that! I’m scared of drinking! I’m scared of what it does to my body. I don’t want to change. I’m just scared……all the time.

I want to feel free….invincible.

Speaking of change, this weekend is my town’s local rodeo. We all know what that means….jeans!!! Jeans everywhere!! We all know how I feel about wearing jeans. Major anxiety there. It was this time last year I found myself putting on jeans that I found to be “tight” (yet they fit fine) which brought me straight back into more intense workouts. They do still fit, and I still wear them, they just freak me out. Often times, I have to remind myself that I’m not in a competition with other women. What size jeans I wear does not define me! Having an eating disorder doesn’t define me. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not damaged because I have an eating disorder; and I am certainly not in a completion with other women I know that have issues with insecurity. I’m not in a ‘who has a bigger eating disorder’ competition. Sometimes, it’s very easy to forget that because there are always people around you, your age, talking about their diet, their workouts, their clothes, what size they want to be, and how they got to eat pizza and a burger and I ate yogurt. But that’s just life, there is always going to be some sort of trigger. The way that you overcome those triggers, become more brave, is to realize that you are just one human, and you can only do so much. You have to take a step back, take a deep breath, relax and become invincible.

Great [Positive] Expectations

I walk around pretty much constantly making mental notes in my head of things I want to write, say, or just a different way to express my current state of mind. Basically, I’m always swirling some type of thought in my head. There have been many things I wanted to write lately but it just seemed like there wouldn’t be enough to say. Anyway, something that’s been on my heart lately is this whole “body shaming” pandemic. So many people have opinions about bodies, perfect and not. Everyone’s definition is different, too. What really is “skinny”, “curvy”, “fit”, “toned”, or “perfect”? What is that? It could be different for everyone and probably is! (SIDE BAR: saying ‘strong is the new skinny’ or ‘skinny girls look good in clothes, but fit girls look good naked’…IS BODY SHAMING.)

I’ve noticed a trend lately of younger celebrities speaking out against body shaming when they are criticized by the media for not having the “ideal” body (whatever that is.) I really love this because these young women are my age. I’m currently 20, I’ll be 21 in May and technically, I still consider myself still in transition to a “womanly body”. At this age, I still feel like only certain part of me have changed and not me as a whole. This is a HIGHLY difficult for me. Women’s and girl’s bodies are drastically different. Women do have more “curves” if you will, and younger girls tend to have less fat. Understandable, women have children and their body is preparing and changing for that purpose. I feel like I’m constantly changing. Most people probably don’t notice a daily (very minor) changes in their bodies, but I do ( I factor in the eating disorder for this). Either that or I am very aware and alert to my body.

I started this transition into a new body type in the second semester of my senior year in high school (so 2012). This was just before I entered college and began into the darker journey with E.D. I began to notice changes in my hip area and areas under my arms that were closer to my chest. I literally FREAKED. I changed the way I ate, worked out, and thought about myself. Thoughts became more destructive and this was also the time I made the switch from drinking regular soda to drinking diet soda. The “changes” happened for a while and then panned out………….until just a couple of weeks ago. My body took it upon itself to reorganize my..chest..area.

Nobody else would’ve noticed, but I did. Normal people probably don’t find an issue here, but for someone who is consumed with thoughts over how to control their body and obsess over what goes into me, it would’ve been nice to be consulted about the upcoming changes. But that’s not how things work; which is why today when I read about celebrities standing up for positive body image, I was excited. These girls are my age and their bodies are probably going through similar transitions to mine. I can relate to them because it seems like they are almost just like me.

We all know about Jennifer Lawrence and how she is always an advocate for positive body image, but what about some lesser known young women?

Selena Gomez: She was recently scrutinized by the media for not being “toned” and was called “fat” like she “let herself go” or something.

After that, she took to Instagram and posted a photo with the caption, “I love being happy with me y’all #theresmoretolove.”

Emma Watson: She is a positive role model for women everywhere.

http://www.examiner.com/article/emma-watson-talks-body-image-it-took-me-a-long-time-to-accept-my-shape

She states that “it’s ridiculous that [being comfortable with yourself] seems such an unrealistic goal.”

 “We have these unbelievably high expectations of ourselves, when actually we’re human beings and out bodies have a function.

“I keep telling myself that I’m a human being, an imperfect human being who’s not made to look like a doll.”

Zooey Deschanel:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/04/zooey-deschanel-body-image-dont-need-anorexic-successful_n_2409327.html

She states that some of the women she admired were, “Debra Winger, Diane Keaton, Meryl Streep—were all beautiful and thin, but not too thin.” She then goes on to say that there are many actresses who seem like they are skinny but it’s an unhealthy type of skinny.

“I’m a very small person, and if I lost 15 pounds, I’d look like them; it’s scary. For young girls, what does that say? You need to look this way to be successful? That’s not true. You do not need to look or be anorexic to be successful in Hollywood. The range of what’s acceptable is larger than what people believe.”

Her point is, you DON’T have to be super thin to be successful. It does not define you!!!!

My whole point is, is I’m not [we are not] alone in the battle. Not everyone has “perfect body” expectations. There are people out there [women] who genuinely want other women to be happy, proud and confident in their own skin.

No Kick From The Trigger

Bang, bang, rollin’ off your tongue. 

Inferior. It’s not a nice word or a pretty word or a pleasant feeling. But we’ve all felt it at some time. Lately, I think I’ve been feeling that for numerous reasons:

• school because I don’t “have time” to read 25-50+ pages PLUS go to class
• because I’m not working and going to college at the same time
• because I’m not as pretty/insert thing here as someone else
• because I’m considering getting married before my fiance and I have been engaged for an entire year
• and sometimes, because I’m kind of afraid of the future

I’m sick and tired of that.

Words are literally like bullets shooting out of a gun. Once you pull that trigger, even the slightest bit, you set off a huge chain of events. That “bullet” leaves the barrel and immediately starts charging down its course to rip into a person. It slices the air into thin slivers and almost as easily as it left the gun, penetrates it’s victim. Straight to the heart or the head is the most lethal. The “bullet” is just as painful as words can be. I promise you. Once the bullet leaves the chamber, it is completely out in the open, out of your hands and there’s no way to take it back. No rewind button whatsoever. You can’t pull it back in and make it disappear. Just like words leave a mouth, bullets charge away.

I wish words were like little toy guns. 

Wish they didn’t break you inside.

But that’s the strangest thing about words. They do hurt. They do cause pain. Maybe the worst type of pain. So, what are you doing with your words? Do you use them as weapons to cut and slay and manipulate others, or do you use them in the best way you can? Are you trying to remember that anything you say can actually hurt someone? I think that we have to remember that words and both magical and harmful. Let’s use those to be positive : )

I don’t wanna feel inferior about not working or wanting to get married before a year has passed. The negative feelings about beauty will take time, but I can change the others now. I’m not working because I take 18 hours….that’s hard for me. Going to school is hard for me…handling this ed, that’s hard for me…and both together are difficult. But I’m going to do it….I’m going to make it.

Girl Crush

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0TxUL_5Gl0

Here this goes.

So, something that has become popular in today’s society is “women crushes”/ “girl crushes” etc. It’s done by both men and women. Whether it’s men who find these women insanely attractive or women who just acknowledge the fact that this famous women is pretty, I assure you, it’s a real thing. I mean, there are whole Pinterest boards devoted to this subject.

I even have some of my own: Emma Watson, Emma Stone (okay, any woman named Emma apparently), Leighton Meester, Taylor Swift, Shailene Woodley, Amiee Teegarden, I’m positive there are others but this is ALL beside the point.

My point is, I think that I have a “girl crush” on a figment of my imagination. I think that I have created an ideal image of what I am supposed to look like. I think I’ve somehow meshed and mashed all these women together and then morphed them into something that I think that I want to be. The other option is that I’ve taken myself, grown about 2 1/2 to 3 inches, grown my hair and changed pretty much how my body functions altogether.

“I want her long blonde hair, I want her magic touch.”

I was in my car the other day and that Little Big Town song came on and I suddenly related to about have the things they were singing about in that song in a completely different manner than how they meant. I realized that I want everything that this fictional and completely imagined “Kairos” has. What she smells like, her hair, her clothes, the way she smiles and laughs, her friends, carefree attitude, and whoever in the world is wanting her in this song (insert laugh track here). 

“I got it real bad, want everything she has.”

“I don’t get no sleep, I don’t get no peace,

thinking about her.”

That’s the line where I realize, you can’t be constantly trying to make a “better” you. I’ve got to be happy with the person that God created me to be, whatever she may look like. I know that it’s a hard concept to fully accept who you are, but I will never find peace if I don’t start at least trying to be happy with myself. 

Everybody Knows We Have No Fear

http://www.jedfoundation.org/press-room/news-archive/my-nine-year-struggle-with-anorexia-by-brittany-snow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-6IL8DCcFI

So for some reason earlier I was Googling Brittany Snow. I’m not even sure what possessed me to look her up today, maybe the Pitch Perfect 2 ad or something (or maybe just the fact I’ve loved her since American Dreams???) Anyways, it turns out that it was a really, very, wonderful thing that I did Google her today. I found something that just really helped me. Brittany Snow had the daily struggle too.

WHAT????? She. Is. Gorgeous. How does that happen?

American Dreams

John Tucker Must Die

Hairspray

Pitch Perfect

She’s precious. And maybe…I’ll carry her article around in my back pocket just like she carried hers. It’s a daily journey. Remembering you’re enough and you are worth it is key.

Love Is Louder ❤

Designed

https://www.yahoo.com/health/why-6-pack-victorias-secret-model-abs-actually-104909864872.html

I’m not going to say anything about this really. It’s kind of a lengthy article, but it makes a very good point. Let me just point out that your body looks exactly how God designed it to look and hating or harming yourself isn’t going to help you feel any better. Let the models be models, for their were designed to…and you, you just be you.

Be Your Own Angel

Time for my annual rant. If you don’t wanna hear it and you’re going to say “they work hard for their bodies and train as hard as anyone else.” Stop reading now. Go!

First thoughts when you first hear about the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show:

“Oh, great I like to watch that every year.”

“Then again, I just love to torture myself.”

“Skinny and pretty models parading around in underwear. Lovely.”

“Oh, but I love T-Swift. Ed Sheeran too!”

“I guess I’ll watch. Stupid models. Making girls self esteem go down every year around this time.”

So, I admit it, I pretty much watch this every year. I guess you could say it’s “torture”. I don’t know if I feel quite that way about it though. I’ve read and researched a lot of information about this fashion show and how the models workout and how they diet and how they prepare for this upcoming show. I don’t even want to explain that. It’s a lot of words that you could probably guess at or make your own assumptions about how those “angels” live. I’m not saying they don’t eat pizza, because I don’t know how those women live. I’m also not saying that they don’t work hard to maintain those “perfect bodies”. What I am saying though, is that does this industry have to only showcase this singular type of woman?

There are plenty of different sized women in the world. Plenty. And not one single type of woman appeals to all men. I’m not saying that we have to necessarily only showcase bigger than size 10 women, size 0 or size 6. I’m just saying that there could be variety added to the show! Seriously. Let’s spice up this thing or change it up so that it’s not horrifically predictable.

Thoughts during the VS Show:

“Well I feel fat.”

“She’s not even pretty.”

“I hope she falls.”

“Is she married?”

“Tomorrow I start running. I’m never going to look like that.”

I think that it’s important to show that all different body types are beautiful. I think it’s vital to show little girls, teen girls, young women, college girls, and even older women that their bodies are beautiful just the way they are. I know that I for one have trouble accepting these compliments or truths, I struggled with it all today. I just believe that it’s important to show young girls and daughters and mothers that just because they aren’t a size 0-2 doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful. It means that they are beautiful to their friends, boyfriends, fiances, and husbands just the way they are.

Yeah, the VS Show gets a lot of heat each and every year. Sure, the whole company catches flack for these models. I’m sure they don’t blink an eye at it anymore. But let me just say…..seeing your ribs isn’t normal nor do I feel that it should be praised. Final point, yes, they are pretty and work hard, but I don’t like the message they are conveying (whether it be intentional or not).

VS and Society’s view of beauty literally is “a nightmare dressed like a daydream”. Believe me, I live that nightmare. It seems like a sparkly dream, but it’s not, it’s really not. The vision at the end is not worth the journey to get there…….(insert experience here).

Positivity Is Always Welcome

So yesterday, I was browsing Yahoo! like I usually do when I stumbled upon these 3 articles that interested me.

1. Even Taylor Swift Isn’t Safe From Body Shaming-  https://www.yahoo.com/style/taylor-swift-looks-so-much-like-a-supermodel-that-102535446423.html
2. Hilary Duff Tells Health Magazien She Was ‘Way Too Skinny’ As A Teen- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/13/hilary-duff-skinny_n_6152136.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592
3. Demi Lovato Slams Meghan Trainor After Eating Disorder Remarks- http://www.celebuzz.com/2014-11-13/megahn-trainor-demi-lovato-eating-disorders/

So, what do all of these articles have in common? The fact that they are stars either trying to promote positive body image or talk about the fact we should stop body shaming. Let’s start with the first.

• The first is about poor Taylor Swift and how no matter how good she looks, somebody is always going to say that some part of her isn’t good enough. Some famous person decided to say that she ‘needed to get a booty’ like really? Who’s business is that? Pretty sure just Taylor’s. That’s how it is for all people though. There’s always someone who doesn’t think you’re good enough. There’s a quote from Taylor that I just read the other day that I think is fitting.

“If we continue to show young girls that they are being compared to other girls, we’re doing ourselves a huge disservice as a society,” Swift states. “I surround myself with smart, beautiful, passionate, driven, ambitious women. Other women who are killing it should motivate you, thrill you, challenge you and inspire you rather than threaten you and make you feel like you’re immediately being compared to them.”

• When I was a kid I used to watch Lizzie McGuire ALL THE TIME. I loved that show and I totally loved Hilary Duff. Even after her Disney Channel years I still continued/continue to love her. I never even thought anything of her weight. However, in her later year I did notice she was like superrrrr skinny. Probably not healthy. But I absolutely love what she said in this article.

“When I was 17, I weighed, like, 98 pounds. I was totally obsessed with everything I put in my mouth. I was way too skinny. Not cute. And my body wasn’t that healthy — my hands would cramp up a lot because I wasn’t getting the nutrition I needed. That constant pressure of wanting something different than I had? I regret that. I feel like there was way too much time spent thinking about that.”

• Finally the Meghan Trainor incident. During an interview she was talking about her songs ‘All About That Bass’. At first she talked about how she grew up and how her parents fed her and then how once someone told her she would look better if she was 10 pounds lighter. Then she goes on to say something pretty offensive.

“I wasn’t strong enough to have an eating disorder. I tried to go anorexic for a good three hours. I ate ice and celery, but that’s not even anorexic. And I quit. I was like, ‘Ma, can you make me a sandwich? Like, immediately.'”

Enter Demi Lovato who went on this fairly epic twitter rant about how eating disorders aren’t choices and it’s NEVER about having the ‘strength’ to have anorexia or bulimia. It’s a REAL mental disorder and anyone who has is suffers tremendously.

Speaking of Meghan Trainor, I actually stumbled upon this song by her the other day that I really really love.