Eating Disorder Annie

Annie doesn’t like the chase

She’d rather be some other place

But she’s stuck in this battle

About to come unraveled

You want to know her but she always escapes

The mysterious girl with a sad look on her face

Seeing on the outside she’ll never let you in

You’ll never see the dark side behind her fair skin

Because what she hides behind her tear stained face

Is something she never wants to have to embrace

She’ll want to spare you the heartache of never being enough

She tries so hard but that voice is rough

Tears her down instead of bringing her up

Chasing perfection is a never ending race

She and the voice are just never on the same base

Annie doesn’t like the chase

She’d rather be some other place

This Is The Last Straw, Don’t Wanna Hurt Anymore

I have this friend, his name is Ed. This guy has been my friend for gosh, as long as I can remember. Man, we’ve just been through everything together. What a great guy. Anyways, even though Ed and I have been friends for a long time, he gets on my nerves a lot! Half the time, he finds some way to insult me. He’ll talk about my clothes, my makeup or say I didn’t make a good enough grade, or something ridiculous. Like he is perfect, right?! But everything that Ed says to me, hits me in the heart. Breaks my heart, honestly.

You know what? Actually, I’m telling you all a really good lie right now. While I have known Ed forever, he isn’t actually my friend. He’s my worst enemy and his name is actually short for Eating Disorder.

So before I start, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I’m not saying this for attention or pity. This is really my life. This is really something I struggle with. This is all too real and something I know all too well.

First I want to start with this verse:

“I praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that well.” –Psalms 139:14

Do you know what I think about almost every time I hear that verse? **Throws paper** I think bull corn. I don’t feel that way.

 

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You know, honestly, I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought I’d be the girl with the eating disorder. But the fact of the matter this is my life and I’m about to share my journey with you. This is the first time I’ve ever admitted to this in public.

So, has anybody here ever been made fun of because of how they looks or ever felt bad about themselves because of a comment someone said? Have you ever felt like you weren’t smart enough? That nobody wanted you? That you weren’t pretty enough, or weren’t interested in the things that other guys were? Have you ever looked at somebody and tried to find something negative or bad about them. And finally, have you ever looked at someone and tried to find something beautiful about them?

I guarantee that every single one of you has felt that way once. Personally, I have felt every one of those ways. But you know what I do these days? I see a person and I try to find at least one thing that I like about that person. But to understand why I feel this way, you have to know the darkness inside my head.

Ever since I was a little girl, for as long as I can remember I’ve always had a terrible relationship with food and my body. It wasn’t until I got into high school however that things escalated. I found myself doing 100’s of crunches, thinking about what I ate and becoming more into workouts. By the time I was a senior, I remember getting on the scale every single night, measuring my waist and trying to figure out ways to make myself smaller. I found myself having my absolute best relationship with my bathroom floor because it saw basically all my tears. All of my pictures from graduation, I pretty much hate them because every time I look at them, all I can think about is how I look good in that heart dress because I didn’t eat all day.

When I started college, everything got worse instead of better. I insisted on working out every single day, no matter what, for at least an hour. I did countless numbers of ab workouts, barely ate anything and had an overwhelming desire to see my abs. I would come home on the weekends stand in the kitchen and cry to my parents saying that I wasn’t skinny anymore. No matter how much I worked out or how little I ate, it was never good enough. I had a lot of firsts last year in college, from my first year in a dorm, to the very first time I found myself starring at the toilet bowl. Scary moments. Finally, I stopped showing and talking altogether because nobody believed me. I felt stupid. Like people thought was doing it for attention. Nobody understood there’s a constant voice.

In August, I started at ASU and for the very first time, I admitted I needed help. I started to go to therapy and tried to start talking about my issues. It’s helped some, but not very much.

 

I still find Ed screaming at me constantly. Ed still makes me feel bad every single time I eat. Ed still makes me cry every day. Ed still makes me run 3 miles every day. Ed is still very present and a very loud voice. I judge myself every morning and depending on how skinny I am that day determines what kind of outfit I get to wear and what food I eat that day. The charm bracelet that I wear every day is also another way to measure myself. If it hangs on my wrist, it’s a good day.

Anorexia isn’t just a physical attribute. It’s a mental way of thinking. Restriction, constant measurement, and compulsively working out all factor in its OCD. Often times, I wonder how anyone could ever love me with this disorder.

There’s a lot of things I can’t do because of Ed. I can’t wear a swim suit. I can hardly wear a dress or high heels. I can’t just go to a restaurant and order anything on the menu. Before I go there, I have to look up the nutrition facts and order the food with the lowest number. I only eat about 6 or 7 different foods because Ed has designated those as “safe foods”. And worst of all, I can’t wake up every day and not have Ed be the first thing on my mind.

So, since I go to therapy every week, I came up with another idea to help me cope when I’m not there. I write in this blog at least once a week, if not more often. It’s kind of life my online journal. It allows me to post songs, lyrics and pictures that I relate to or say exactly what I feel. It lets me have more personalization and share my journey with people.

I wear this ring with anchors on it now, and for me, that symbolizes Ed and my eating disorder. I found this verse and I hold it very close to my heart now.

“God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may greatly encouraged.”

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” –Hebrews 6:19

And I really hope that one day; I will be able to say this verse to myself.

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9

And one day, I hope that I finally get to live a life without an eating disorder.

Never Really Can Fix A Heart

So here I am, finding myself eating probably an obnoxious amount of raisin bran crunch, but nevertheless, I’m pretty much gorging myself with it. Why am I doing this you ask? I suppose it’s a binge? I’m not even sure I even halfway know what that is. I’m going to choose that word though because it seems to fit. Am I actually hungry or just bored and looking for something to do? I can’t even decide.

Here I am, eating cereal at 7:30 at night. I feel like that sounds completely pitiful. That’s my food of choice? Really? Of all things to pick I’m going to pick cereal? I guess I still wanted to make a “healthy” choice.  I just feel long I’m dragging myself through this extremely long cycle of bad days. I can’t catch a break. I just feel like every morning I wake up and it’s just another day where I’m going to feel fat or judged on what my stomach looks like. It’s like nothing helps anymore. The other day I literally found myself crying in the middle of a run. I’ve never done that! I’ve never had to stop multiple times during my steady jog to ball my eyes out and gasp for air. I’m actually pretty surprised that nobody stopped me and asked what I was doing. What’s even going on with me? This is beginning to feel just like a big black hole. I find myself asking the question why can’t I simply just not eat? Why can’t I do that? Am I that weak of a person that the mere thought of food compulsively send me on a frantic search for something to eat? Why can’t I just skip a meal or for once not eat 85% of what’s on my plate? I don’t understand what my issue is. How can I have utterly no self restraint or control at all? Am I just some type of failure?

I’m not even sure talking about it even helps anymore. I just want to be okay, I really do. I’m just sad of disappointing people, and disappointing myself. That might be the worst.

 

Don’t You Think Nineteen’s Too Young?

As we have all clearly read, post after post, I clearly have this slight obsession with Taylor Swift songs. Today’s post is no different than others. Here we are again talking about a sad Taylor song; this time its Dear John.

As I was listening to the song yesterday on the way home (after I had one of my worst days). I’ve always thought this song  was one of her saddest but also one of the best written. As the song went on I started to relate the “John” in the song to my own personal struggle, Ed. Everything she was saying about how he made her feel, or how he tore her self-esteem down or made her feel insignificant was everything that is currently happening to me.

That lyric in particular rings true to me. Ed really does “paint me a blue sky” and then go back and change all the rules! He’ll let me think I’m doing great and on track with everything he’s trying to make me do, but the very next minute, hour, day, or week he can change the rules!! How insane is that? He’ll change the rules to say that I haven’t lost enough weight, I ate too much, or some other obnoxious rule. How am I suppose to keep trying to please someone who you virtually can’t please?! You can’t!! Or, I can’t I guess.

This part of the song really strikes me in the heart. Not that Ed is gone, but I can still step back from out “battered relationship” and see from another point of view that what Ed does to me is wrong! Don’t you think  I was too young? I guess there really isn’t a great age to start having an eating disorder, I just feel like I’ve been battling this from such a young age. In a later part of the song she sings “Don’t you think nineteen’s too young?” Which really hits home for me seeing as that is my current age. And I have also cried all the way in a dress before. Needless to say, I relate in quite a number of ways to this song.

 

I really do wish that someone could’ve warned me that this would happen to me. I wish someone could have given me a task to do, or a phrase to say to prevent Ed from ever coming into my world and making me cry during the middle of my run, or all alone in my room. I wish there would’ve been a warning. Almost like I wish I could have just told Ed that he’s ridiculous and just ran before a problem could ever start!

However, if I would have been able to prevent this at all, would I still be the same person? I don’t think I would. As bad as it all seems or actually is I guess that I kind of have to suffer before I can get through this and be a more well rounded person. Maybe that makes no sense or maybe it’s kind of right.

“You are an expert at sorry, and keeping lines blurry, never impressed by me acing your tests, all the girls that you’ve run dry, their tired lifeless eyes, cause you’ve burned them out.” 

All I know is that I have this terrible ed and there’s nothing I can do but work through it. As much as I want to please everyone else, let it fade away quickly, or tell people that I’m doing better than I actually am, I have to do this at my own pace. I’m doing everything I can right, its just going to take longer than a few months.

Hey Little Fighter

I finally had my appointment today with my therapist. I actually was feeling pretty anxious about it. I didn’t want to go in at all. I didn’t want to go in there and have to say that I failed or that I feel sad or that I’m still in the exact same thing at a month ago. I feel like this broken record saying the same thing, over and over again. Is that how it’s suppose to be? I said something to my therapist today actually that I just realized. I’m a perfectionist and the reason I feel like a failure is because I can’t overcome the eating disorder and I can’t obtain the results that the eating disorder wants me to be. It’s both ends of the spectrum fighting each other. Do you realize how impossible that sounds? How can you achieve both of those things at once?! Right, you can’t! I also think that I’m a bit of a “people pleaser” and therefore I feel bad when the people that are trying to be a support system don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t know what to say to me either. It’s really just a combination of all this compliments/encouragements of sorts that I need. I just need to hear the words that I’m doing okay (i.e. great, fine, doing the right thing, **insert positive comment here**) I just want to let go.

Yesterday, I was on this website where I was reading all these positive and inspirational recovery stories that made me hopeful and made me believe that I can do this. I can win this battle. I just have to keep getting up everyday and be willing to cope, be willing to fight, be willing to cry and be willing to pick myself up off the bathroom floor and keep going.

I also ran across this really neat app yesterday! (Thanks, Pinterest 😉 ) It’s called Recovery Recorder. It’s an app where you enter your meals, workouts, feelings, and all sorts of other eating disorder related questions. I was so excited when I found it; it’s honestly almost ridiculous how excited I was. The app alerts you every time around a meal time and say it’s time to log a meal, and at the end of each entry, it gives you some sort of positive quotation. I’m really liking that idea.

You’re a Wild Card

I had to re-read this quote about 4 times to fully understand what it was saying. When I finally understood it I then understood the point. What a true statement!

So, I’ve been doing a whole bunch of thinking over the past few days. I’ve been thinking a lot about these pictures of me over the past 2 years, when my Ed was probably at it’s worst. I thought that I would just take the time to post them and then kind of reflect on it.

MARCH 2012

Can you see the “lines” in my abs? I was pretty proud of that at he time. Of course I didn’t eat anything that day, gotta look nice for prom. Now I see this picture and it just reminds me of something I can’t obtain again.

AUGUST 2012

The very beginning of my college career. If you would’ve asked me then, I would’ve said I was fat. Looking back now, I guess it was a healthy weight?

DECEMBER 2012

This picture…..I just think I look like a bobble head. I had hardly eaten…in my mind I know that isn’t healthy, but I kinda want that.

JUNE 2013

I remember really being able to see my abs this day. And eating mcdonald’s for lunch. Gee, I wish I would’ve stayed that size…oh wait

OCTOBER 2013

I was feeling really good and “thin” this day and after this color run. I ate pancakes after

OCTOBER 2013

I

If I look like a bobble head again it wouldn’t surprise me. I kinda passed out a school but not from not eating! I don’t know what it was from.

I just want to feel okay. I just want to know what it feels like to not feel guilty after every time I eat.

I’m thinking about taking up lifting some weights in the exercise room after I use the elliptical. I’m thinking that’s pretty good for you. I was also on blogilates.com and saw so many positive posts. I think I’m going to start looking around more for positive and uplifting HEALTHY body images and sites. You can’t change old ways and habits by still doing the same old thing and expect spectacular results. I’ve got to make that change. I have to want to leave Ed behind bad enough to want to stop that intrusive thoughts, the bad behavior and leave the guilt behind.

 

Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

I met this boy named Ed

He was special, or so they said

I met him at school one day

He was cunning so I let him stay

I know this boy named Ed

He greets me every morning when I get out of bed

He says don’t drink that orange juice

Your jeans need to stay very loose

I know this boy named Ed

He’s always in my head

He wants me to be perfect

He also says I’m not worth it

I’m friends with this boy named Ed

I knew I should have fled

When he told me he would like me better unfed

I guess he’d also like me better dead

My best friend’s name is Ed

I usually wish he would go away

But then I just beg him to stay

And so this is the road I now tread

I know this boy named Ed

It’s a dreary path we tread

He carved our initials into a tree

Now my chainsaw  will set me free

I hate this boy named Ed

I don’t care what he said

He needs to leave but instead he screams

He used his wicked words and turned them into schemes

There will be a day when I can make Ed go away

My skies will no longer be dark and grey

I will no longer have to obey

I can do this, breakaway

I will be free from Ed

He will no longer be my best friend

I’ll never have to be too skinny

Then I can believe that I look pretty

This boy named Ed is gone

I am no longer his pawn

My life is finally my own

Oh, oh, the places I’ll go

Opinions Aren’t Facts

So I’ve been home pretty much all day. I went to class this morning but I just had a test so finally my spring break has started. I’ve had plenty of time today to just think.  I know I posted this morning, but I’ve been thinking about one topic in particular all day: the walls we put up as people. I have a few walls, in which I will describe, but first, the more important thing is the reason I have these walls or why other people put up walls as well.

My first wall is built to keep people’s opinions from hurting me; this is where Ed plays his iconic role. For a very long time now, I’ve worried about what people say to me and think about me. In a sense, I “created” Ed for that. I “created” him so I wouldn’t have to worry what people said because Ed was my voice of reason. Ed was there at the end of the day to judge and scrutinize my progress. He was there to pinpoint out all of my flaws, when I ate too much and what beauty level I was. I wouldn’t have to worry about what my friends, family, strangers or the world’s opinion of me, I had Ed for that. To shield myself from possible hurtful views of others, I created something almost worse, Ed.

The second wall is just about me. I built it in order to keep others out. I need to guard my heart because people have a tendency to stomp all over it with their dusty boots. I’ve always been the girl on the outside of everything. I don’t remember a time in middle school where I fit in. My group of friends was always planning and doing things without me. Therefore, I kind of felt insignificant and like I wasn’t worth their time. There’s not really a time in my life where I really remember being someone’s actual best friend. I was always just another friend it felt like. These girls usually had sisters so they were automatically closer, or I really was just another friend. It always felt like I didn’t belong. Then there has been my relationship history. Somehow, I seem to get into something where I give my whole, entire heart and everything I have into a relationship and I have someone who doesn’t always return those same actions. Now, these boys weren’t awful, just maybe a bit neglecting at the time. It almost always seemed though, that I gave it all I had and they really didn’t. I got tired of sitting alone, tired of waiting for the phone to ring, and tired of being forgotten. I suddenly went into rooms and accepted that nobody would probably talk to me. I let it be okay with myself that I went to a movie theater by myself and watched a movie. I learned to have fun with myself. But it was isolating and still a little painful.

I thought I needed these walls. I thought they kept me safe from the outside world. I thought they kept me from being let down. I became too accustomed to loneliness and being left out.

Those weren’t good feelings or good walls. I’m in the process of breaking down the second wall right now. I’ve made a friend while in some of my college classes. We’re similar and we have the same aspirations at school. We’re relate-able to each other and I think this is a really good thing for me. I’m pretty thankful for what God is doing in my life right now.

Sparkle Gold

Puff. Puff. Inhale. Exhale. Right foot. Left foot. Puff. Puff.

As I walked towards my car, breathing heavily, I began to realize what I just did. I ran two miles. As I reached out to pull the door handle on my car, I suddenly realized that what I just did, wasn’t fun at all. I realized that I actually, legitimately hate running. So why do I do it? Well, I think it has to do with two things. In my mind, I’m not good enough, so I think that running will make me better and keep me at a low weight (which seems to be the driving factor here.) The other reason is that I think people will look down upon me if I don’t do some type of workout.

It’s been another one of those weeks for me. Just blah. It was a little better than last week, at least I wasn’t trying to throw up my food or only eating yogurt for dinner. It’s just been a little stressful with midterms and things like that. Gotta love college. I did do something kind of exciting last night. I went to a tae kwon do class with one of my friends. It was actually really fun. I felt pretty empowered once the class was finished. I now realize why so many people choose this activity. It was a fairly good workout too.

In the midst of my not so great week, I heard a song on the radio that made me feel pretty great. I needed to hear those words at that moment, and so, as I was listen to K-Love, I heard them. The song is called “Gold” by Britt Nicole. It just talks about how not everything people say about you is true, and that everyone is beautiful and is really worth more than gold.

I feel very inspired by this song every time I hear it. It keeps me believe that I can still be a beautiful person even if one person doesn’t think so. It’s not always about what others think. Sometimes, its the opinion of yourself that needs to change. I’ve never been the best with self confidence or self esteem and that song reminded me that I need those things. What other people think of me doesn’t determine my worth. If only I could actually believe that. That’s one part of my issues. I wish I could blame it on something else, however the fact of the matter is, it’s mostly my fault. If my self confidence wasn’t so low maybe I wouldn’t be as down about how I look.

But really, why do we need to tear each  other down? Why do we need to scrutinize other people’s bodies? Whether they are boys or girls, it just doesn’t make any sense to look at a person and try to pinpoint all their flaws. Why do you want another person to feel bad about themselves? Are you that insecure? I know that I personally do not like to feel bad about myself so I try my best not to look at other people’s flaws, but their good traits. I feel that’s a better use of my time and emotions.

I could go on and on about this. But at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is that I don’t feel like people like the way I look or I don’t like the way I look. Sometimes, I think a girl just needs to hear the words that she looks nice, just the way she is.

Breathe Without You

Imagine a world without anxiety or guilt. Just stop for a second, close your eyes and imagine what life would be like if you could never experience those feelings AT ALL. Personally, I can’t even fathom that world. But, I love to entertain the whole thought of never having to feel guilt over wanting to eat, what I want to eat, and eating. That’s just not explainable to me.

I’ve been having a rough week. This Monday just added to it. But as I was driving home last night, I came upon a realization. I’m afraid of eating. I’m afraid of feeling full. I’m not in control of the fact that my body wants food and wants to feel full. I’m afraid of not being hungry or not having enough bones popping out. Apparently, that somehow constitutes as beauty to me.  I don’t even know why. Deep down inside I really know that’s not what makes a person pretty or attractive, but that doesn’t keep me from wanting that. It’s very frustrating to me. I can’t not think about it. It’s constantly banging around in my head. All I can think about is what I will eat for my 3 meals, what the calorie content is, and how it will show up on my body. I can never break free from that. I’m a victim of my own scenarios. I feel like I’ve said all this a million times.

I’ll never forget the look and the words said by my boyfriend when I told him I had made myself throw up. I had this honest, heartbreaking confession to tell him and I just wanted a hug and he just asked ‘I thought you were getting better?’ Mega disappointment for him. I fall back  in my old  ways too easily. I understand his point though and I’m not upset with him at all. I can’t imagine what it’s like for him. It’s not even that I want him to feel sorry for me, because I don’t!!! I just hate feeling like I disappointed him because I just can’t seem to consistently get better.

All I know is that Ed’s voice is a little quieter, but he’s not fully gone.

And then I come to the point where I realize that I can’t breathe without Ed, but I have to learn how to.